I Heard Scorsese Will Paint Houses Again

SCORSESE'S RETURN TO GOODFELLAS' TERRITORY

By Jerry Saravia

It has been 19 years since director Martin Scorsese and actor Robert De Niro have worked together. Their last project was the vastly underrated "Casino," a sprawling, hardcore, deeply unsettling and definitely entertaining Mafia movie - a sort of "GoodFellas Goes West" where Las Vegas becomes the playground of greed and excess for the wiseguys. Since then, Scorsese has not dealt with the Mafia per se, with the exception of "The Departed" which features an underworld element that has little to do with "GoodFellas" or "Casino." The news had arrived well over a year ago that Scorsese had his eye on "I Heard You Paint Houses," a 2004 book by author Charles Brandt that deals with real-life figure, Frank "The Irishman" Sheeran.

In the book, it is stated that Pennsylvanian-born Sheeran had served in World War II for 411 days, participating in the Dachau concentration camp massacre (interestingly, this event also signaled one of the more powerful scenes in Scorsese's "Shutter Island"). After leaving the service, he worked as a trucker and became a hitman for the Bufalino crime family, working for crime boss Russell Bufalino. Sheeran also claimed to have been a hitman for Jimmy Hoffa, involved in more than 25 murders (Sheeran also worked as a labor union official for Hoffa). Sheeran also claimed support for anti-Fidel Castro forces involved in the Bay of Pigs disaster, as well as claiming that President John F. Kennedy's assassination was a Mafia hit (Sheeran allegedly transported rifles to the alleged assassins). There is also the claim that Sheeran killed Jimmy Hoffa (this would contradict the late Richard Kuklinsi's claims that he had killed Hoffa, according to the book "The Iceman: Confessions of a Mafia Contract Killer.)" 

The planned adaptation of this book is called "The Irishman." So what are my thoughts on this? This is a great idea for a film and I certainly hope Scorsese makes it. It is not an average story of a Mafia contract killer or "GoodFellas" redux simply because a lot of history is attached to it, or historical footnotes as it were. Robert De Niro claimed earlier this year that he was going play Sheeran and Al Pacino would play Hoffa. My only quibble is Pacino's casting - this man is in his 70's, playing a 62-year-old man who was very animated and passionate about his Teamsters Union (check out the interrogations by the late Robert Kennedy for proof). Not that Pacino can't animate himself to extremes but he does a look little too old to play Hoffa (it might end up being better than Nicholson's cartoon Hoffa with a prosthetic nose in the film of the same name). And since the story is told from the point-of-view of an old man, De Niro can definitely do the latter but who is going to play the role when it comes to the depictions of WW II and the Hoffa Years? De Niro is a very talented actor, able to change his body language to suit any character, but he can't make himself look too young. There are also claims that Harvey Keitel and Joe Pesci are cast, though no word on what roles they will play.

When "The Irishman" will commence filming is unclear. Scorsese recently said it wouldn't be till 2014, and it seems his long-gestating passion project "Silence" is finally becoming a reality. Either way, this is one fascinating story I look forward to from one of the greatest film directors of all time.

A Western in Your FACE!

COMIN' AT YA! (1981)

Reviewed By Jerry Saravia

The title says it all - everything on the screen comes at yah, in 3-D. Only the 3-D effects are not what they are nowadays - we are talking about cardboard glasses with red and cyan filters. That means anything red and cyan really popped out of the screen. "Comin' at Ya!" was a return to 3-D back in 1981, throwing everything at the audience except the kitchen sink. Is it a good movie? Heck, no! Is it another one of those good-bad movies? Heck, yes!

Oh, no!!! A Baby's bare ass in 3-D!

The movie directed by Ferdinando Baldi is a low-rent spaghetti western that begins with H.H. Hart (Tony Anthony) at his wedding ceremony which is interrupted by two villainous, gun-toting brothers. They kill the priest and kidnap Hart's bride who is sold as a prostitute. Hart is assumed to be dead but no - in a pure knockoff of Clint Eastwood's Man of No Name and Few Words, he is very much alive and intends to find the brothers and kill them and save his bride. That is the plot which is merely a springboard for endless 3-D effects that include flying bats, flying flaming arrows, characters who toss beans, coins and yo-yos at the audience from low-angle shots, hungry rats, snakes, guns that poke out of the screen, and there is a baby's bare ass as it sits on us! Oh, and I enjoyed the nifty opening credits which are emblazoned on several objects in a room.

On the plus side, "Comin' at Ya!" has some beautiful widescreen western landscapes (though this is the first western I've seen where palm trees show up in shots that look like they were filmed in Palm Springs). The movie is somewhat fun and has a simple-minded sense of humor, though it does drag on for a while until it gets to do the good stuff - the 3-D climax in particular is quite effective. "Comin at Ya! is not really a movie - it is just a test reel to prove that 3-D was back in a major way (all the 3-D effects are repeated at the end in case you didn't notice how cool they were). They are cool effects, but a more charismatic hero and something called a story might have been nice too.

A Killer Smile

THE STEPFATHER (1987)
An Analysis by Jerry Saravia

I first saw The Stepfather on late-night TV back in 1989 (at that time, there were TV spot ads for "Stepfather 2"). My initial reaction was that I had seen one of the more suspenseful, frightening thrillers in many years. The truth still holds today for what is regarded as a cult thriller with one of the most compelling, ambiguous psychopaths in a long time. The very notion that "a daddy may not be a daddy," a quote attributed to film critic David Edelstein, is certainly a scary thought. This is not a slasher flick nor is it a typical thriller. It is certainly not a monster movie or anything akin to the slasher routines of Jason Voorhees or Michael Myers. "The Stepfather" is along the lines of a story torn right out of today's headlines. In the 1980's, the headliner was John List, convicted murderer of his family who went on the run and adopted a pseudonym (story was later made into a TV movie with Robert Blake). List was later found and apprehended thanks to America's Most Wanted. The cinematic daddy Jerry is simply a tale of madness where a daddy can go nuts with a glinting knife if his wife and kids disappoint him.

The film opens and closes with the same image: a newspaper-delivering boy on a bicycle tossing newspapers at every house on the tree-lined street. One newspaper is flung at a particular house where the camera suddenly tracks into, slowly pushing in to the second floor bathroom window. A bearded man is seen with blood on his face and hands. He washes his bloody hands in the sink and mutters to himself. Slowly, he takes a suit from the suitcase, cuts his hair, shaves his beard and, presto, he looks like a new man! We see him leave the bathroom while framed photos of his family are shown on the wall. He finds a toy in the hallway and deposits it in the toy chest - still establishing order. This man descends to the main living room where we witness a savagely bloody scene - family members are left for dead and furniture is toppled over (the overwhelming music and the busy dial tone of a phone receiver sends chills, nicely foreshadowing the thrilling climax). One grisly sight is of a dead little girl on the floor still clutching her teddy bear. The man leaves the house, whistles Camptown Races, grabs a newspaper and leaves while other people are seen leaving for work - it is interesting how nobody seems to acknowledge his presence since he appears to be a normal Everyman going to work. So we shift from shadowy angles and morbid sights to the overcast morning light of day as life goes on. This sequence sets up the rest of the movie perfectly, aligning murder as a hidden reality in everyday modern suburbia. Though the alignment of such phenomenon is not entirely new (exposed with more visual panache in David Lynch's Blue Velvet one year earlier), it is still an unsettling image knowing that our own parents may have secrets that we can only dream about. His adjustment to normalcy in modern America is also fittingly disturbing - he has none of the distinguishing characteristics of a serial killer. Only his forced smile can be an indicator.

We shift one year later to a teenage girl on a bike named Stephanie (Jill Schoelen). She is on her way home when she is greeted with dried leaves flung at her by her mother, Susan (Shelley Hack). They start throwing more leaves at each other and finally reach a truce. Their friendly game is interrupted by a car honk. "Oh, Jerry is home. Come on honey" says Susan, though we see Stephanie is obviously disappointed ("Jerry is home. Hiiiyaa.") Now we know the name of the man we saw in the opening sequence (though it surely can't be his real name). Jerry kisses Susan and presents Stephanie with a mutt. She is delighted though she is oblivious to his reference to TV's Rin-Tin-Tin. Jerry asks her if they can give the dog a new home and she agrees. "That's my girl," says Jerry. Stephanie leaves hastily and we sense that she does not get along with this new man in her life. As she gets in the house, we see that the screen door does not close properly. Jerry says he has to fix it someday and thinks the puppy was a mistake. Susan's reply is, "The puppy is perfect. You are perfect."

This family life is far from perfect, and it is the first indication that Susan is blind to the man she has brought to her home. Jerry is a top-notch realtor for American Eagle Realty and firmly believes that he is really selling the American Dream (it isn't just some con). In the meantime, Stephanie sees a psychiatrist from time to time (with Jerry seen outside waiting by the car). This relationship with the psychiatrist, Dr. Bondurant (Charles Lanyer), is a far healthier one than the one Stephanie has with Jerry. She can confide in Bondurant of her problems with the new stepfather and with skipping and being suspended from school, blaming her own father who died a year earlier. When we see Stephanie in the car with Jerry, he tells her to stop butting heads with him and improve their relationship. He also tells her to stop screwing up in school. Next we see Stephanie engaged in a fight with another girl and getting expelled. Mr. Jerry will not stand for this nor will he see her in a boarding school as an alternative. Thus, Jerry becomes the Everyman, the one who can set things straight and solve any problem. He convinces the school principal that Stephanie is a "lost cause" who can be helped. Then we are back in the psychiatrist's office as Stephanie continues to whine about Jerry. "He scares me Dr. Bondurant. I am afraid of him." This confession startles the good doctor.

The film shifts from Stephanie's growing suspicions to the investigation of a prior murder by Jerry (the murder we see at the beginning). Jim Ogilvie (Stephen Shellen) was the brother of Jerry's formerly slain wife and now he wants to exact revenge. The police can't do much since there are no witnesses - it doesn't help that Jerry is so clever in his escape from one house to the next leaving not one shred of evidence. The newspapers will not run the photographs along with the articles. Despite a lack of support, Ogilvie persists and goes back to the crime scene to dig up something, anything, to find the family killer.

In the meantime, Stephanie is more and more convinced that Jerry is not whom he says he is. A barbecue party convinces her even more. Jerry overhears a group discussing a newspaper article of a family killer. He reads the paper, is understandably shocked and says that there is only one reason why a man would murder his family - "Maybe they disappointed him." This scene alone is a classic, showcasing Jerry's dual side perfectly. He expresses shock, disgust, and then he arches his eyebrows as he makes a telling statement. However, we do not see the group's reaction. Instead we see Stephanie's shocked reaction. Suddenly, his arching eyebrows turn to a smile worthy of Ward Cleaver. He changes the newspaper into a captain's hat and gives it to a kid, making references to Scotty's voice from Star Trek. The final nail in the coffin is when Jerry goes to the basement and yells, screams, and smashes things. He begins muttering to himself that there should be some order. He is more upset at being found out by the authorities. "We are going to keep this family together. You had better believe it!" screams Jerry. Unfortunately, he is unaware of Stephanie's presence since she went to the basement to get ice cream. Jerry says that sometimes he needs to let off some steam. Stephanie walks away and goes back to the party. After the party has ended, she finds the newspaper and decides to find out who the murderer was. She calls the newspaper and asks for a photo, claiming she is doing a paper on mass murderers. When the photo arrives in the mail, we find it in Jerry's hands, not Stephanie's. He goes to a local photo shop and gets a new photo print. When Stephanie finally gets the mail, she is quite disappointed that it didn't turn out to be Jerry after all. Interestingly, Stephanie has come closer to ID'ing the killer than Ogilvie...which makes me wish somebody had the foresight to cast Jill Schoelen as an older Stephanie in a future sequel, possibly as an FBI agent or a smart detective pursuing serial killers. Alas, it was not to be (she was reportedly offered a role in the first sequel but a deal was not reached).

Yet another brief investigation takes place, this one involving the good doctor. Dr. Bondurant suggests to Stephanie that he try to talk to Jerry. She hopes that the doctor will be on her side. He calls the house but Jerry refuses to talk to him. Dr. Bondurant tries another alternative - he will pretend to buy a house. The doctor sets up an appointment and they meet. Jerry senses right away that this guy is not interested in buying a house - he is interested in talking to Jerry. Thus, a scene of unsettling violence ensues involving a 2X4. This is the first moment of pure violence we have witnessed in almost an hour of running time. Jerry wraps the doctor's corpse in plastic and fakes an automobile accident. A problem solved quickly for Jerry who uses the incident to win some love and support from Stephanie. She cries over the doctor and hugs Jerry for support. The next day, Stephanie offers to help Jerry with one of his birdhouses and then tells him that she is sorry for her behavior. "Well, why don't we just bury the hatchet," says Jerry. He also advises Stephanie not to grow old too fast considering her interest in boys. After the birdhouse is situated, he wonders if a family of birds could live in there. Let's hope those birds don't disappoint him. (At this point, by the way, the screen door has been fixed).

Now we have a family that couldn't be happier and more homely. A Thanksgiving dinner is treated with great reverence by Jerry. "Until this moment, I never knew what Thanksgiving was really all about," says Jerry with real emotion and a butcher knife that glints. Looks like Jerry's American Dream has become a reality. For the moment. Stephanie hangs out with her friend, Paul (Jeff Schultz), who gives her a ride in his motorbike (they have an earlier scene where they mock a boxing match in one of the most tender and honest scenes depicting teenagers in the entire movie). Paul drops her off at her house. He kisses her goodnight. A pleasant moment until Jerry opens the door and lashes at Stephanie and Paul. He accuses Paul of rape and Stephanie tells him he is all crazy and hung-up about sex. Susan slaps her in the face for disrespecting Jerry. She runs off while Susan berates Jerry for throwing away all the progress they have made. He stares menacingly and walks to the street and, at this precise moment, we see that Jerry is disappointed by his family. He is now ready to move on.

"The Stepfather" has all the hallmarks of your average slasher film or thriller. It does have a brutal psychopath and the customary victims and the occasional flashes of the traditional violence and gore. But what distinguishes "The Stepfather" from others of its ilk is its protagonist and the family values it tries to bestow on the audience. Jerry Blake aka Henry Morrison is not a psychopath devoid of personality wearing a hockey mask and armed with a machete. He is a seemingly ordinary man who believes and promotes family values, and is always smiling and being kind to others. His love for Susan seems genuine, and he tries to make peace with Stephanie by giving her a puppy. This guy really does try but is continually disappointed. His disappointment gives way to an uncontrollable rage for murder. Stephanie sees something abnormal in Jerry whereas her mother Susan just doesn't see. Stephanie sees how Jerry acts in the basement "making faces to himself." She also sees his evil glances at the barbecue masked by his smile that could light up a room. Stephanie is simply not interested in smiling all the time and behaving as if she were in an episode of Leave it to Beaver - "I swear to God, it is like having Ward Cleaver for a dad." The tense relationship between Stephanie and Jerry is at the core of "The Stepfather," a relationship that has a cinematic equivalent in Hitchcock's Shadow of a Doubt. In the latter, Teresa Wright was the niece to Uncle Charley (Joseph Cotten), a similarly meek-looking counterpart to Jerry Blake who could also explode with rage. Their relationship was fraught with tension, just like Stephanie and Jerry's.

What is really at the core is what "The Stepfather" ultimately says about the importance of family in an age where old-fashioned values are ignored. Jerry Blake is the kind of man who marries widows with children. His thought process is to search for perfection - to make a family as perfect as a sitcom would from the 1950's. That he is unrealistic about such demands is barely the problem - he assumes whatever flaws exist can be eradicated to the point where they are nonexistent. If any outside forces come in to destroy the perfection, they can and will be nicely dispatched of. The most telling examples are: the newspaper account of his murderous history; the psychiatrist who assumes another identity to discover Jerry's other side;  Stephanie's boyfriend who just wants to kiss her goodnight; Stephanie's attitudinal urges and her violent fights in school; and, most importantly, Ogilvie, the brother-in-law from one of Jerry's former marriages. A subtle example of dispatching any threats to the family is conveyed through dialogue. Jerry watches Mr. Ed on television while Susan seductively brushes her hair. She comes to bed and wonders why Jerry doesn't talk about his past. He says it did not exist until he met her. Then he tells her that the past is not important, what is important is the present, here and now. They make love and all talk of the past is forgotten. Nothing can intrude upon the past and nothing can get in the way of family.

One of the criticisms of "The Stepfather" is that it allows almost no insight into Jerry Blake. As New York Times critic Janet Maslin commented, "It's disappointingly thin and no full account of Jerry Blake's psychosis is ever explored." One can agree with Maslin that we have no idea who Jerry Blake is or where he comes from. Any insights into his personal background is virtually lacking (originally, the screenplay was to have flashbacks of Jerry's younger days where he was physically abused). Just before the violent climax, Jerry forgets who he is: "Wait a minute. Who am I here?" That line still gives me goosebumps. Basically, we only get hints into Jerry's psychology. Dr. Bondurant assumes that Jerry had a strict upbringing based on his family needs and upholding traditions. We see that Jerry has a love for 50's television, including references to "Star Trek," "Mr. Ed," and "Rin Tin Tin." A deleted scene I caught when the film was televised in 1989 showed Jerry talking to Susan about meeting Dr. Bondurant. Susan asks him if he is afraid of psychiatry and if he has something to hide. Jerry jokes and tells her, "One of these days Susan. Bang! Zoom! Right to the Moon!", an obvious reference to "The Honeymooners." When he later makes love to Susan, we see a passionless reaction, as if he gets no pleasure from lovemaking. I love these hints and they do speak volumes, even if we still have no real clue why Jerry murders the families he marries into outside of the most casual disappointments. 

"The Stepfather" was badly marketed back in 1987, advertised more as a slasher flick with Jerry brandishing a knife in silhouette. The U.S. poster at the top of this page shows two different stepfathers and it is more in line with the film's theme. Though the film did well in some markets, it fared poorly overall since it had no major stars (this was after all an independent film). It did well in L.A. in its original release date, January 1987, but after being shown in New York, Philly and Chicago in the intervening months, it gained less of an audience. Unless you were a film fan, you had no idea who Terry O'Quinn was, a journeyman actor who had appeared in a string of films in largely small roles (lately he has appeared in the X-Files film and Primal Fear and of course, TV's Lost). Jill Schoelen acquired some attention as the newest scream queen, later appearing in mildly diverting schlock like "Cutting Class" and classier, smarter horror pics like "Popcorn" before actually leaving the business altogether to raise a family (of course, I became a big fan of hers as a result of this film). Only Shelley Hack remained something of a known personality at that time for having appeared in TV's "Charlie's Angels." These factors were not enough to induce any mainstream appeal. You have to remember that anything remotely resembling a slasher film in the 80's was quickly written off as a failure. Horror became synonymous with slasher films or splatter films. Amazingly, 1987 also produced "Fatal Attraction," a hugely popular psychological thriller that ends with a bloodier ending than most slasher flicks (and admittedly left one too many loopholes). Of course, the latter had brand name actors and a director with a stronger tracking record but as intense as the film was, it was not the sleeper of the year that "The Stepfather" was.

But I certainly can't think of a better cast for "The Stepfather." O'Quinn gives a wonderful performance, one that shows how a psycho can mask his origins by pretending to be an all-American father with smiles and gifts of love (he would have been at home in "The Stepford Wives" or for that matter on TV's "Leave it to Beaver"). Schoelen shows a strong sympathetic side, and her clever intuitions as a Nancy Drew type show that smart, alert teenagers are more interesting than dumb ones. Shelley Hack has a thankless role but she has her own mask - her naivete. When it is finally exposed and she sees for the first time who Jerry Blake really is, we see that her love was blind and wish she would have caught the warning signs sooner. Also the underlying moral (and not just to women) seems to be a clear warning: do not marry hastily until you know who you are marrying. The fact that she married so quickly after losing her husband within a year might stretch credibility for some, but it is very apparent nowadays.

Crisply written by the late crime novelist Donald E. Westlake, photographed with autumnal colors and a subtle TV look by cinematographer John Lindley ("Pleasantville") and directed with the flair and style of a Hitchcockian student by Joseph Ruben, "The Stepfather" is one of the classiest, scariest and most suspenseful thrillers since Hitch's own "Psycho." Its shock is never knowing when family man Jerry Blake may crack under pressure if his family does not meet his standards. When he utters the words, "Whom am I here?," it sends a chill to the bone. The sequels never did it justice. "The Stepfather" is in a class all by itself. 

SOURCES: Edelstein, David. 1987. "Review of the Stepfather." Village Voice, May 8.

Maslin, Janet. 1987. "Review of the Stepfather." N.Y. Times, May 8.

 

Hitchcock's Last Hurrah

FAMILY PLOT (1976)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Whenever the last film of a great director's career comes forth, one reacts with trepidation due to one's unfairly great expectations. This may be why I avoided Alfred Hitchcock's last hurrah, known as "Family Plot," for so many years. I have long admired and become influenced by Hitch's work. We are talking about a career that spans 54 films in its output, producing such classics as "Psycho," "North By Northwest," "Rear Window," "Shadow of a Doubt," "Vertigo" and several more. During the 1970's, Hitch was less prolific with one exceptionally thrilling and graphic thriller, "Frenzy" in 1972, and "Family Plot" in 1976. Strangely, I must say I was pleasantly surprised: "Family Plot" may not be one of Hitch's finest but it is one of his few light comedies that has a few laughs and fine performances. It is light on its feet and quietly good fun.

Barbara Harris stars as a phony psychic named Blanche Tyler (she calls herself a "spiritualist") whose latest client, Mrs. Rainbird, is trying to locate her sister's long-lost son. The trouble is that he may be dead but it hardly matters - Mrs. Rainbird wants Blanche to find him for a ten-thousand dollar fee since he stands to be the heir of a million dollar fortune . This naturally excites Blanche and her cab driver boyfriend, George Lumley (Bruce Dern), who masquerades as a private eye and a lawyer. His act, which doesn't fool anyone, is to smoke a pipe, and he stands out like a true amateur.

This whole search somehow involves another couple, in this case a rich married couple (William Devane and Karen Black - both ably cast) who are involved in kidnappings for rare diamonds. But I would not dream of giving away the connection between these two couples except to say that it is fairly foreseeable if you have seen other suspense thrillers.

The fun in "Family Plot" is in the clues and the gradual tension and suspense involved in finding this missing Rainbird man. We have cemetaries with strange plots, tremulous psychics, bishops kidnapped for ransom, Karen Black wearing a blonde wig, secret compartments in garages, and so on.

What is especially interesting about "Family Plot" is how laid-back and involving it is. There are a few great scenes told with Hitchcock's mastery of letting long-takes unfold without dialogue. Two stand out in particular: overhead shot of George walking through the cemetery dirt trails as he pursues an elderly woman; and a quietly effective sequence where George enters the rich couple's house through a garage window (shades here of Cary Grant entering a rich man's home in "North By Northwest"). There is also a very good chase scene where George and Blanche drive while unable to stop their car due to faulty brakes.

The performances are also low-key and intriguing. William Devane (who sounds like a smoother Jack Nicholson) does some of his best work here as a jeweler whose mind is always at work creating dangerous schemes. I also love Karen Black, who has one greatly funny scene where she tries to warn Devane at his jewel shop of danger while pretending to be a customer. Bruce Dern is snappy and fitfully engaging as the somewhat dim-witted George, who's disinterested in Blanche's sexual pleas. Only Barbara Harris tends to go a bit over-the-top as Blanche, especially her seance scenes which provoke more groans rather than laughter.

All in all, "Family Plot" is genial, lighthearted, clever nonsense - probably just a walk in the park for Hitch who was near the end of his health. All I can imagine is that Hitch must have been all sunny smiles while making essentially a parody of the suspense genre he helped create and perfect.

God in B-Movie Form

GOD TOLD ME TO (1976)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Along with the king of low-budget horror Roger Corman, Larry Cohen has made some of the cheesiest horror pictures imaginable. There is the absurdity of "It's Alive" and the pointlessness of "The Stuff," one of the worst films of the 1980's. "God Told Me To" (also known as "Demon") is one of those rarities, a crude but continually engaging thriller that remains original in conception, if silly in overall execution.

A series of unmotivated and unrelated killings have been occurring in New York City. The killings involve either a sniper randomly shooting people on the streets, a cop who suddenly smiles and starts shooting passerby in a parade, a family man who quietly shoots his entire family, and so on. The connection between all these killers is their motivation: God told them to do it. This raises the ire of Peter Nicholas (Tony Lo Bianco), a cop with religious beliefs who goes to church every Sunday. How could God tell these people to kill? Is this God's way of letting the world know He exists? Or did these sudden killers just snap?

Nicholas is convinced that something weird is going on in New York but the police force does not support his harebrained theory (though he is able to predict a killing in a parade from a tip). His wife (Sandy Dennis) fears for him, though they do not live together. His supportive girlfriend (Deborah Raffin) fears for Nicholas as well. And then Nicholas discovers that a blonde-haired, Christ-like figure had appeared to each of the killers prior to the actual murders. Is this mysterious figure the Son of God, or an alien force?

"God Told Me To" has lots of surprises in store and its documentary-like staginess, a hand-held camera is used in almost every scene at street level, enhances the plausibility. Perhaps due to a meager budget, Larry Cohen does not show special-effects of any kind (though one FX sequence has been reportedly stolen from the television show "Space:1999"). Cohen's strength lies in the superb, formidable cast, including Sylvia Sydney as a formerly abducted woman who bore a child though she was a virgin, Richard Lynch as the soft-spoken Christ-like figure, Andy Kaufman's brief creepy turn as a smiling cop, Deborah Raffin's compassionate girlfriend of Nicholas, and finally, Lo Bianco's slow burn as a frazzled cop who is shaken by the religious implications of these murders.

There is a lot to admire in "God Told Me To" but it does conclude with a fire-and-brimstone finale, echoing "Carrie's" similar ending, that does little to stir the imagination. And some of the scenes where Lo Bianco seems to go nutty inside apartment corridors and noirish-lit pool rooms also jettisons the philosophical nature of the material. Often thrilling, funny, exciting and tense, "God Told Me To" is one hell of a ride for a B movie. It's just that its aspirations seemed to be emanating from an A movie.

Terrorism in our front yard

ARLINGTON ROAD (1999)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

(Original review from 1999)

The threat of terrorism is as alive as one can imagine. From the recent tragedies at Ruby Ridge and Oklahoma to the World Trade Center bombings, terrorism hangs like a pall of death in our everyday existence. "Arlington Road" makes claim that terrorists may be our own next-door neighbors, ready to pounce at any given moment.

Jeff Bridges stars as a professor of terrorism at George Washington University, who teaches his students that the perpetrators of terrorism are wrongly personified by the media - they are not acts done by one man but by a group. He is obsessed by the mere act of terrorism itself, mainly due to his late wife, an FBI agent, who died at the hands of alleged terrorists. Bridges also thinks that his next-door neighbor (Tim Robbins, with a steely stare) may be a terrorist. At the beginning of the film, Bridges rescues a child in the streets (played by Mason Gamble), who is bleeding profusely from what appears to be a firecracker accident. The child belongs to Robbins and his wife, played by Joan Cusack.

"Arlington Road" is a strange, sometimes effective film that begins as a character study and quickly becomes an all too fast-paced thriller dependent on far too many implausibilities. Once the shocking ending comes into play, we rethink how the terrorist group managed to fulfill their actions and it becomes all too neat and tidy to have any credence.

Jeff Bridges, one of our most unsung and underappreciated actors, gives a fine, empathetic performance and he gives us a complex view of a man at war with his inner anxieties who can't separate the obsession from his personal life. It is Tim Robbins who overacts, simply staring like a wild-eyed fool making offbeat gestures that undermine any credibility or understanding - what does his character stand for when he commits these atrocious acts? What is he rebelling against? There is mention of how the government screwed with his father, a farmer. At times, Robbins seems to have drifted in from a cartoon. It doesn't help that his kids appear like aliens from "Village of the Damned."

The female actors are not any better and are vastly underused. Joan Cusack appears more suited to a demented "Addams Family" role than the one given here - her close-ups hinder rather than help. And I am not a big fan of Hope Davis, who nearly ruined the often funny "The Daytrippers" with her blandness and forced smile. Here, she has not improved much playing a bland housewife with a forced smile.

"Arlington Road" has its moments of suspense and tension but not enough to overcome a wholly implausible scenario dependent on contrivance rather than plot coherence. The dark ending gives it some weight, but it all rings very hollow. At the end of the road lies an exploitative and shallowly misconceived dead end.

George Lucas has turned to the Dark side, he has

STAR WARS: THE CLONE WARS (2008)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Many have accused George Lucas of directing his actors to deliver wooden performances in the "Star Wars" prequels. Nothing could be closer to the truth than in the animated "Star Wars: The Clone Wars," which not only contains wooden performances but animated figures who seemed to have been carved out of wood.

Sandwiched in between "Star Wars: Episode II" and "Episode III," this Star Wars adventure finds Anakin Skywalker training a smart Padawan pupil named Ahsoka Tano while his mentor, Obi-Wan Kenobi, continues helping the Rebellion fight the Separatists. Meanwhile, the slimy old Jabba the Hutt is tricked by Jedi Master Count Dooku and others to join the Separatists while trying to find his baby son, a slimy little version of Jabba himself. Anakin and Ahsoka are asked to help rescue Jabba's son since Master Yoda hopes that forging an alliance with the giant slimy weasel will help protect Jabba's trade routes or some such thing (we can thank the prequels for dwelling on political mumbo-jumbo). Unfortunately, since Jabba is tricked by the Dark Siths into believing that the Jedi kidnapped Jabba Jr., a war involving thousands of dumb droids and clone troopers escalates. Oh, are the droids ever so dumb. I did like one moment where a droid is thrown from a cliff and it screams, "Whyyyyyyyyyy?"

This is the first "Star Wars" flick I've seen that is boring. B-O-R-I-N-G. There is no real exposition - the narrative is framed by one lightsaber battle and laser blast sequence after another. Simple platitudes are exchanged and then it is off to war. Baby Jabba is missing and sliding away, followed by another battle. The action sequences are well-done and well-staged but there is no thrust to them because the characters are zilch in terms of personality or even the slimmest of shadings. Where is the slow simmering madness of Anakin? Here, he is just some annoying twentysomething who doesn't even know Ahsoka might be flirting with him. Master Kenobi is the same old, same old but by animating him without any real expression (like all the other characters), one misses the live-action performance of Ewan McGregor. Only Ahsoka Tano has humor and some measure of a dimension beyond looking or appearing stoic. The rest of these characters look like blank automatons from "Final Fantasy", and they are saddled with dialogue that seems to have been written on the back of a napkin and carved into a piece of wood. When Yoda appears to be a dim clone of his once sprightly self, it is clear that George Lucas is not even trying anymore.

Establishment of two different Beats

HEART BEAT (Hollywood - 1980) THE LAST TIME I COMMITTED SUICIDE (Independent- 1997): 

THE BEAT MOVEMENT - CONTRAST BETWEEN TWO FILMS 

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

The Beat generation started in the early 1950's with the advent of Jack Kerouac's groundbreaking novel "On the Road" - the story of Jack's wild adventures on the roads of America with his untamed friend Neal Cassady. "Heart Beat" is the first film to truly focus on Jack's relationship with Neal and his wife, and it is a semi-successful portrait. "The Last Time I Committed Suicide" is the superior work, which focuses on Neal Cassady's life and times before meeting Jack Kerouac. One film says more about Beat poetry or Beatniks than the other, yet they both have a sense of time and place.

"Heart Beat" has the miscast John Heard as the shy outcast Jack Kerouac, who tries to shake his Establishment origins by embarking on a journey from New York to San Francisco with the ex-convict and troublemaker Neal (Nick Nolte). Together, they drink, fight, hitchhike, smoke pot, and share Neal's society girlfriend, Carolyn (Sissy Spacek). While living in San Francisco, Jack starts to write "On the Road" using his friends, especially Neal, as models for his improvisational, rambling story.

"Heart Beat" has the right look, the right clothes, the right cars, the 
perfect atmosphere, but not the right attitude. The film is too 
conventionally directed and scripted by John Byrum allowing for little 
pizzazz or energy. It's hard to tell that the film is about the birth of the 
Beat movement because we barely hear or see anything relating to the Beat 
period.                                                                       

The actors don't help much. John Heard is adrift and unconcerned throughout - 
a far cry from the book's depiction of a lusty, charismatic individual who 
learned to strip away his introverted side. Heard exacts the same deadening 
tone through the whole film. Nick Nolte is a little out of his element 
playing the cocky, flirtatious Neal - he just acts like a funny pretty boy. 
Sissy Spacek is not allowed to do much except exude sunny smiles. Only the 
late Ray Sharkey brings any energy or enthusiasm as the Allen Ginsberg-type, 
Ira.                                             

"The Last Time I Committed Suicide" is a big improvement on every level; a lively lark of a film about the early life and times of Neal Cassady. The charismatic, perfectly cast Thomas Jane plays the wild, frantic Neal who works a night job at a tire company, and begins to get ideas about an archetypal, rebellious character who supersedes all "intellectual" men. In the meantime, Neal hangs around with his drunk friend, Harry (Keanu Reeves) at the pool hall with various girls. Neal also has a troubling relationship with Joan (Claire Forlani), a secretary prone to suicidal tendencies.

The beauty of "Last Time I Committed Suicide" is that it not only has an authentic sense of time and place, but it also contains a great performance by Thomas Jane (the drug dealer in "Boogie Nights") combining humor and pathos. Jane brings the cocky, arrogant side of Neal alive, and is pitch-perfect on Neal's pseudo-intellectual babble speeches about life and love ("It's a metaphor, man!").

I know I'm in the minority on this one but Keanu Reeves remains one of our most underrated actors; he delivered powerful performances in films such as "Permanent Record," "Much Ado About Nothing and "My Own Private Idaho," if anyone cares about his talent. Here he delivers one of his best, surliest characters in the form of the drunk, bloated Harry who reminds Neal that marriage doesn't figure in his equation. Also worth noting is the underused Claire Forlani ("Basquiat") who shimmers each time she appears on screen in a largely underdeveloped role.

"The Last Time I Committed Suicide" is briskly directed by Stephen Kay, and he employs jump cuts, black-and-white and color cinematography, freeze frames, zooms and slow-motion to emphasize the rambling, inconsequential, and languid sense of Neal's life. The Beats considered themselves beatific and weary (or beaten) from trying to shield themselves from the Establishment. "Suicide" comes a lot closer to capturing that movement than the dull, Hollywood fluff of "Heart Beat."

Trekking Where We Have Gone Before

FREE ENTERPRISE (1999)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Obsessions can be treated with care, as they don't run your life. Pop-culture obsessions, a staple of 90's cinema and Generation-X, can ruin one's hope to connect with people unless you find that special someone that shares your obsession. In "Free Enterprise," the obsession is over "Star Trek" (the original series only). You have heard of Trekkies and how William Shatner famously told them to get a life. Now we get to see how Trekkies really act, more or less.

There's Mark (Eric McCormack) who is pushing thirty and is a successful low-grade exploitation screenwriter. He is so low-grade that he has a pitch meeting where he pushes a movie called "Bradykiller," about a killer who kills any girl resembling the girls from the "Brady Bunch." Mark's friend is Robert (Rafer Weigel), an editor for those same low-grade movies who is fairly lax. He is such a Trekkie that he rather spend money on laser discs than on the rent, thus enabling the breakup with his current girlfriend. He clearly has mixed up his priorities. Of special note is the fact that this movie was made in 1999 when laser discs were a minor big deal despite the advent of DVD's.

All Mark and Robert can do is wallow in their own miseries. Mark is more sensible with money yet he is afraid of commitment with another woman. Robert only wants a woman who shares his passion for "Star Trek" and "Star Wars," yet he is also afraid of commitment. One day, they inadvertently run into William Shatner at a bookstore. By Shatner, I do mean the real Shattastic, the real McCoy, Captain Kirk himself, who is in a bit of a creative slump. He is trying to make the play "Julius Caesar" into a musical where he will play all the characters! Shatner hopes that through Mark, his vision can become reality.

"Free Enterprise" has a nice set-up for a fun-filled comedy but it loses its footing and goes into territory that simply marks time. We get too many scenes of Mark and Robert regurgitating the same conversation in one diner scene after another. There is a love story in here somewhere between Robert and his potential true love, Claire (Audrey England), who loves science-fiction and comic books but is also looking for a man that can take care of her. That may be too much to ask of Robert, but what on earth does this have to do with the central story revolving around William Shatner? Such personal relationships could've mixed in nicely with Shatner saying, "Hey, get a life you Trekkies! There is more to life than make-believe!" Interestingly, Shatner himself is shown as a middle-aged, bashful man who has trouble with the ladies. Unfortunately, Shatner has too few scenes to make a stronger connection to the narrative.

I liked "Free Enterprise" enough for its sincere performances and for Shatner's quick-witted scenes. It's just that it really falls short of going where we haven't gone before.

Leave your VHS sex tape at the door

DROP BOX (2006)

Reviewed By Jerry Saravia

I never thought that I'd see a movie featuring a character as sneaky, duplicitious and as mischievous as Randal from "Clerks." For those of you who know what I am referring to, Randal was an obnoxious, though affable video store clerk who unapologetically humiliated customers and his own small circle of friends. Well, Tom in the film "Drop Box" is twice as obnoxious, to the point that you are unsure how he can still have a job as a video store clerk.

"Drop Box" is a day in the life of Tom (David Cormican) working at a video store. He is the slacker type with no pretense of ever moving forward in life, and no real ambitions except to make customers angry. He opens the store late, forces customers to pay late fees they don't owe (though at least one does), deletes customer accounts without blinking an eye and, in short, makes no real money for the store (he even gives away twist endings to movies like "The Sixth Sense"). Of course, the customers are not the most understanding so who can blame Tom for his casual mean-spiritedness.

One customer can be more pushy than others. Her name is Mindy (Rachel Sehl), who turns out to be a spoiled, Britney Spears pop diva-type who wants to re-rent a certain Mariah Carey vehicle. Only this VHS tape is not actually the movie ("Glitter" by the way) but rather some nifty lesbian porn she shot and mistakenly returned. Tom says he doesn't recognize this pop diva who's sold 2 million albums. Of course, after Mindy pleads again and again, Tom decides to help this star if she exposes her breasts and watches the tape with him, and in front of customers! If not, he stands to make a killing selling it on ebay.

Okay, so you see that Randal might never have gone that far. Tom is unlikable but not without some measure of charm or humor, and you can see how Mindy begins to like him. These characters can get on your nerves yet thanks to newcomers David Cormican and Rachel Sehl, they make them human and empathetic enough to forgive their endless banter.

"Drop Box" is a Canadian independent film that deserves a chance to be seen in theatres. Though it has a limited setting (it all takes place in video store) and inexperienced actors, who cares? So did Kevin Smith's debut film "Clerks," which "Drop Box" only shares a slight kinship with. Though "Drop Box" is not quite as shrewdly funny as "Clerks," it can stand head and tails above most comedies that try too hard to make us laugh. Thanks to the writer-director team, Anesty and Spiros Carasoulos, "Drop Box" is a major pleasure and a genuine find, not unlike what you may find on a video store shelf hidden behind "Glitter."

Jay Leno's Car Wreck of a Movie!

COLLISION COURSE (1989)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

So what we have here is a car wreck of a movie. We have "Tonight Show" host Jay Leno (in his thankfully sole leading role) as Tony Costas, a Detroit undercover cop who does his job badly. We have another cop, Fuji Natsuo (Pat Morita) from Tokyo, who is sent to Detroit to track down a Japanese engineer who stole some sort of turbocharger prototype. Costas and Natsuo are the buddy-buddy cop team who don't really want to work together, though the screenplay refuses to acknowledge this. Instead Costas thinks Natsuo is not a cop and so we have one endless scene after another where Costas chases him, sometimes in disguise.

The introduction to the villains is so slipshod that we assume they are villains because they tell us they are. Chris Sarandon and Tom Noonan are the bad guys, and in it for the slim paychecks. Same with Ernie Hudson of "Ghostbusters" fame as another undercover cop.

For what it is worth, "Collision Course" is strictly amateur night in every department. There are no laughs, mostly flat lines and flat characters. There is no energy, no enthusiasm, no urgency, and it also contains a silly synthesizer score that is pure 80's. To say this movie belongs in a garbage dump is to still give it justice. No, it belongs on a Detroit sidewalk where people can stomp on it endlessly.

YOU'RE FIRED!

THE TEMP (1993)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

(Original review from 1993)

"The Temp" is a ridiculously stupid, unscary thriller, so how can I possibly recommend it? Well, it has a sense of goofiness to it, and it is full of surprises and twists.

The titled vampish temp is played by the ideally cast Lara Flynn Boyle - a temp secretary for a disorganized boss (Timothy Hutton) - a junior exec for Mrs. Appleby baked goods company! Boyle eventually works her way up by getting promotions to other positions. Murder and sex are her primary rules of engagement to ascend to the top of the corporate ladder - she even tries to seduce Hutton, who's trying to reconcile with his wife (an early performance by long-haired Maura Tierney, who has since appeared in TV's "E.R."). What is a boss to do in this situation? Sexual Harassment pleas? Fire the secretary? Kill the secretary?

"The Temp" is downright silly, but it is never boring and it keeps moving. Lara Flynn Boyle exudes ample sexual energy as the villainous temp. Hutton is as bland as three-day old bread but he does have some nice confrontation scenes with the campy Faye Dunaway. It is an often tempestuous flick...good for a late night rental. Do not watch this with your boss!

Kissing in a gondola

A LITTLE ROMANCE (1979)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Picture-postcard romances are not my cup of tea, particularly teenage or coming-of-age romances. Therefore, it is with great enthusiasm that I report that "A Little Romance" is one of the finest, most poignant picture-postcard romances I have seen - genial and enlightening throughout.

The film begins with a theatre showing clips from "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid." "True Grit," and "The Sting" laughably dubbed in French. The kid watching these American films is Daniel (Thelonious Bernard), a French kid with eyes full of amusement at everything he sees (he would have been at home in a Francois Truffaut film). Daniel emulates certain gestures and lines from these American heroes, such as "bingo!" and "Here's looking at you kid." One day, his class visits the film set of an American production starring Broderick Crawford (exceedingly funny cameo). While Daniel observes the action, he notices a girl reading a book rather than enjoying the action of filmmaking. Her name is Lauren (Diane Lane, in her film debut), a lover of philosophy books, who instantly senses something she likes about a kid who will carry her books and has his own homespun philosophies on literature and American movies. They start dating, meeting at subway stations, porno movie theatres, and cavorting in front of the Louvre. Their dream is to go to Venice and kiss in a gondola under a bridge where the church bells toll. This tall tale is told by the supposedly worldly con artist (Laurence Olivier), who shares a train ride with them to Venice after supposedly winning a bet at the races for the lovebirds.

"A Little Romance" moves swiftly from one episode to another, and it is the charming performances by the three leads that engages us from the beginning. Bernard and Lane have terrific chemistry, and we always hope that their romantic fantasy is fulfilled. Lane in particular was already beginning to show her flirtatious personality with her winks and frequent nods - quite a good early performance. Bernard is also winning as Daniel, and evokes a smile that is impossible to forget (say that about any recent child actors in the movies). Olivier is at his hammiest and at his most assuredly comical - he obviously is having a blast playing this fallible, elderly con artist and pickpocket.

There are also brief supporting performances by Arthur Hill as Lauren's agreeable father and Sally Kellerman as Lauren's nervous, flirtatious mother, an actress who may be having an affair with a movie director (who looks like a combination of Peter Bogdanovich and William Friedkin). She has a great line when she shouts to Lauren proclaiming the move from France to "goddamned Houston!"

"A Little Romance" could have used more emphasis on Lauren's parents and especially Daniel's father, who is practically left out of the film. Nevertheless, this is an exceptionally sweet and uplifting film delicately balancing between comedy and romance with unforced ease. And there is something to be said about a film focusing on such smart kids with aspirations. Imagine that.

A Ripper in the Space Time Continuum

TIME AFTER TIME (1979)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

For truly harmless sci-fi fare with a twinge of irony, you can't do much better than "Time After Time," a very entertaining suspense thriller that successfully hinges on its two leading stars to make it work.

Set in 1893, Malcolm McDowell is H.G. Wells, the legendary science-fiction writer who invites his friends to dinner to tell them that he has invented an actual time machine! This magnificent invention is cut short by the intrusion of Jack the Ripper, who turns out to be the main doctor in town. The Ripper (David Warner) escapes in Wells' time machine to San Francisco in 1979, where he can continue his bloody rampage. Wells goes after Ripper by going to San Francisco via his time machine, which is a museum curiosity in a show in the future devoted to Wells himself! Not only does Wells have to find the Ripper, he must also deal with modern-day society and their "motorcars," not to mention television and fast-food restaurants (his ordering a meal is the biggest laugh in the entire film).

While trying to convert his money to American currency, he meets a bank teller, Amy Robbins (Mary Steenburgen), who may be one of the Ripper's next targets. Meanwhile, Amy confesses to Wells that she longs for marriage and commitment, and Wells admits he is a strong proponent of free love (The real H.G. Wells was an advocate of free love when it came exclusively to men - he had many affairs while married to, you guessed it, Amy Robbins, his second wife).

"Time After Time" is inventive and delectably funny in spots, but too much time is devoted to the Ripper and his blood lust. One scene stands out early on when Wells finally confronts the Ripper. Chillingly, the Ripper explains that the violence of modern-day society has ironically caught up with his murderous ways - he proves it by switching channels on the television that speaks of global atrocities and war. Yet Warner never feels chilling otherwise though he certainly has a threatening presence - he looks like a stock London swinger who takes himself too seriously and just happens to cut up women. Perhaps that is the idea but I sense the Ripper may have been a more powerful man than what is depicted here. What works marvelously is McDowell and Steenburgen (who later married in real-life) - they have very sweet chemistry.

Essentially, "Time After Time" is ultimately a love story with a very moving ending. It's just that the Ripper screws up the fabric of an otherwise timeless love story.

Rob Zombie haunts our animated world

THE HAUNTED WORLD OF EL SUPERBEASTO (2009)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Rob Zombie's "The Haunted World of El Superbeasto" is the most foul-mouthed, zonked-out wet dream of an animated film since Ralph Bakshi first burst onto the animated front. This movie is about bursting, bursting in size with every bodily orifice and phallic symbol of every imaginable kind, and women's breasts that burst and are used as weapons, depending on the cup size. This movie will offend everyone but if you have the most tangible sense of humor, you'll be tickled pink by all the rosebud imagery. Huh? I don't know what that means either.

Tom Papa (who co-wrote the film) voices El Superbeasto, a masked celebrity and "man of action" who makes porn films and does music on the side. He also beats characters of all sizes and shapes to a bloody pulp, in some cases killing them accidentally, and is always after the women, mostly of the stripper variety. Superbeasto has a voluptuous sister named Suzi X (Sheri Moon Zombie) who spends her time with a Golem creature robot named Murray (!) who can convert itself into a vehicle (and has a certain aperture that also grows in size when Suzi X, ahem, rides him). Suzi seeks to rid the world of evil, I imagine, as she kills Nazi zombies who hold Hitler's head in a container! El Superbeasto is supposed to assist but he's busy banging chicks galore, including Velvet Von Black (Rosario Dawson) who is more interested in a giant ape with a screw on its head!

"El Superbeasto" is filled with sexual imagery, abundant gore, and a myriad of references to Universal Monster flicks, "The Shining", "The Fly", "Carrie" and some of Zombie's own wicked characters from "House of 1000 Corpses." Is it sickeningly funny or just plainly sick and perverted? A little of both since Zombie just aims to rev up the engine of this movie without regard to story or nuance or subtlety. Still, it is a passable, wickedly funny entertainment and I laughed out loud a few times. I don't love it but it certainly ranks higher than his dreadful "Halloween" remake.

Chuck Norris Fact: He fought the Devil once and won

HELLBOUND (1994)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

There is a special place reserved in Hell for movies made about demons and the Devil's emissaries. I am thinking this place is called "The Rental Bin of Disastrous Devil Movies Near the River Styx." Styx, by the way, is the river crossed by dead souls on the way to Hades, according to Greek Myth. I rather see a film about that than a Chuck Norris action vehicle crossed with long-haired demons who were banished by Richard the Lionhearted.

Chuck Norris is the typical stone-faced cop that he had overplayed throughout the 1980's. Calvin Levels is his ostensibly smart-mouthed partner who never says anything remotely smart-mouthed (when he waxes on about the Chicago Bulls, well, that is about as smart-mouthed as he gets). The two cops travel to Israel on the taxpayers' dime to find a killer who is actually Satan's emissary. Throw in some tomfoolery regarding a street urchin, depressingly few karate fights with Norris kicking butt, a leading lady and vastly underused love interest for Norris (played by Sheree Wilson, who would later grace her presence on TV's "Walker: Texas Ranger" that also starred Norris), a candlelit monastery and hokey special-effects and you've got grade-D Cannon fodder.

Christopher Neame is the demon who pretends to be some sort of antiquities expert. His voice becomes deeper and his eyes turn green when he is either threatened or ready to sacrifice a woman of royal blood to Satan. Why royal? No explanation is given. Why does the demon engage in hand-to-hand combat with Norris when all he has to do is use his supernatural powers to thwart the Chicago cop? Can't say.

"Hellbound" is pure garbage that never exploits its central idea - it just assumes that a demon threatening you can be beaten by flying kicks. Hell has not been this boring since "Exorcist II."

Missing in Action 4: The Return of Chuck Norris (albeit briefly)

THE EXPENDABLES 2 (2012)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

I am all for big, dumb, explosive action porn. I am not a devotee of the today's "Fast and Furious" school of Excess but, I admit with reservations, there were some decent Golan-Globus pics back in the 80's and there are some decent ones nowadays. There were also some terrible ones in the last two decades that offered nothing more than assaulting your senses with brain-dead dialogue and various explosions. "The Expendables" was a return to the old Stallone/Schwarzenegger/Van Damme/Lundgren macho action pics with barechested, brawny G.I. Joe types whose heroism was defined by their body count. "Expendables 2" is virtually action movie porn with the emphasis on CGI-blood effects, machine gun fire, and lots of bareknuckle fights and more Digitally Magnified Thud Sounds. For some, this is enough. For me, the first film offered a tinge bit more.

The macho mercenary gang who are all full of sound and fury exchange gunfire right at the beginning of the film, during a rescue attempt of one of their captured mercernaries, Mr. Trench (Arnold Schwarzenegger). Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Terry Crews, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren and company are all on board, exchanging occasional quips and extreme bravado. Back home, Stallone welcomes a new member to the group, a young sniper named Billy the Kid (Liam Hemsworth) who wants to retire, and disapproves of another new member, Maggie Chan (Yu Nan), a technical expert who is handy with a weapon. Nan's Chan is the brightest spot of this bunch. Of course, old scores need to be settled as Stallone's G.I. Joe group are commissioned by Mr. Church (Bruce Willis), a CIA operative, to find a suitcase equipped with a computer that pinpoints the location of plutonium in a Russian abandoned mine. After we get precious little exposition, the gang finds themselves in Russia and smack in the middle of the evil arms dealer, Jean Vilain (Jean Claude Van Damme), who wants the computer. Vilain? Goodness me. I miss the days of clever villainous names like Ernst Stravos Blofeld.

I rather not give away too much of the hairline fracture of a plot except to say that one of the testosteroned members of the Expendables is killed and it becomes a revenge story. If only it were more fun and involving. There are shootings galore, knives thrust into bellies and heads and necks and various other body parts, bones crushed and broken and split in innumerable ways, several bareknuckle fights which go on longer than any realistic fight, and lots of machine gun fire. I mean RAT-A-TAT-TAT on overload. There is one sequence where Stallone, Schwarzenegger, Willis, Crews and even Chuck Norris fire one round after round in complete unison. And speaking of Norris, he plays Booker, a retired military operative who is practically a one-man army who materializes out of thin air - a deus ex machina for those raised on Golan-Globus action epics. Why are the Expendables needed if this guy can mow down hundreds of villainous minions and destroy a tank in a matter of seconds? Missing in Action, much?

I found Norris and Yu Nan to be the best thing about this empty-headed exercise in plotless brutality. The first "Expendables" was a no-brainer but a mildly fun excursion that eventually went into near-Michael-Bay extremes. However, it also had moments to pause for character reflection and Stallone, who wrote and directed the first film and is replaced as a director here by Simon West, included some real-life aspects of war and torture to give it more of a spin. Here, this is all brawn and action dramatics dialed up to 111. The heroes, including the usually dynamic Jason Statham, are virtually indistinguishable from each other. Fight, kill, maim, destroy and laugh about it in the process with, ironically, no real trace of humor or character definition. 1984's "Missing in Action" at least contained a little more restraint.