Bah, Humbug this cartoonish ride into Hell!

DISNEY'S A CHRISTMAS CAROL (2009)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Charles Dickens' classic novel about the curmudgeon cheapskate known as Scrooge who on Christmas Eve is visited by three ghosts and then decides to change his future has been told on the screen innumerable times. The 1984 TV movie version with George C. Scott is possibly my favorite, right up there with the Alastair Sims version. I did enjoy the modern take with the Muppets that was light-on-its-feet with good humored shenanigans, which of course would be 1992's "Muppet Christmas Carol." The best adaptations have some sense of joy and magic to them, the notion that no matter how dark the bowels of Hell become during Scrooge's Danteseque journey to the past, present and future, everything will turn out okay. Not so with Robert Zemeckis's "Christmas Carol," a bitter, joyless and far too frenetic adaptation that is so remote in feeling it will leave you cold below 0 degrees, that is if you make it past the little cheer it gives by the end.

I would doubt anyone is not aware of Dickens' most famous Victorian novel so I will not attend this review with plot particulars. Jim Carrey voices the old miser Scrooge and does an exquisite job, not to mention Gary Oldman as Bob Cratchit, Scrooge's most dedicated employee. The problem is not the performances but the overall tone and photo-realistic animated approach that makes one wish it were live-action and not rubbery animation. There is little room here for nuance - the film is an explosion of unsubtle fireworks, the likes of which we have not seen from Zemeckis since the middle part of his "Back to the Future" trilogy or "Who Framed Roger Rabbit." What worked in those films does not translate well here.

Though Scrooge is meant to go through a heart of darkness journey, it is the semi-comical moments of absurdity that threw me off. In one needlessly extended sequence, Scrooge is reduced to pint-size and tries to outrun a couple of demonic horses while almost getting stomped at Mrs. Dilber's house (Dilber being Scrooge's maid). There is some "Evil Dead" imagery here from "Army of Darkness" that is too cartoony for my tastes. The movie grows repetitious with endless flying sequences through the town of London, swerving in and out of streets, rooftops and lamps, and thus never engages us. Nothing here feels vaguely emotional or tangible - it is all too engineered, too robotic.

Two scenes truly stand out. I love the jolly nature of the Ghost of Christmas Present and his reveal of Ignorance and Want as two sickly children who look like they need an exorcism (the fact that the Ghost withers away like a skeleton was a pungent touch). I also felt more attuned to Cratchit's sad state of affairs with his sick child, Tiny Tim. The moment when Cratchit seems to be staring straight at Scrooge even though it is a moment of the future is very touching and felt true.

I did not hate Zemeckis's take on the oft-told tale but I did not take anything away from it either. It is laborious rather than enthralling, soulless rather than enchanting. Carrey gives a good melancholic kick to Scrooge but the whole film is far more despairing than it should have been. It needed more magic, more realism, and less of a video-game approach.

Sequel sucks more than the Creeper

JEEPERS CREEPERS 2 (2003)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Originally viewed in late 2003

They sayeth the Creeper would come back, and he did. They sayeth the Creeper would emerge every 23 years for 23 days and sniff the victims he can consume, and he did. Now he is back for more. They also sayeth that the number 2 after any title is reason enough to stay away. To be fair, some sequels work and others do not. This one sucks more than the Creeper does.

The scenario involves a school bus full of arrogant, mean teenagers on their way to a big game. The bus breaks down after one of the wheels is struck by some star-shaped blade made of human teeth. Slowly but surely, almost the whole cast is picked off the ground by a winged creature out for blood. The reasons are not clear, though I would assume it is because the creature, known as the Creeper, hates these teenagers for their temperamental attitudes. Or maybe the Creeper is after one of the cheerleaders who is seemingly clairvoyant! Ah, but that would mean the screenwriters would have to think of a story to support all this nonsense. We can't have that now, can we?

The first "Jeepers Creepers" was an unsettling, often scary ride, thriving on atmosphere and sheer attitude - it had an offhanded meanness about it that recalled the horror pics of the 1970's. This movie is a travesty in every respect, and it has no respect for the audience watching it. The anonymous, insipid teenagers constantly bicker and tear their shirts off (except for the cheerleaders) and make such stupid mistakes that you'd wonder why Neve Campbell's Sidney couldn't come on board and teach these nitwits a thing or two about what to do in a slasher movie. Leaving aside an astoundingly good opening sequence, this movie makes all the mistakes of any horror sequel. We see too much of the monster and we could care less about any of the victims. There are Dolby-ized shocks and thumps and bumps every few minutes to remind the audience to stay awake. I've seen the future, and I hope it does not include a "Jeepers Creepers 3." (Actually, it does)

Watch out for them peepers!

JEEPERS CREEPERS (2001)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Originally viewed on Sept. 21st, 2001

I might give more credit than deserved but I must declare that "Jeepers Creepers" is, despite lapses in logic and plot holes big enough to drive a semi through, alternately chilling and frightfully good entertainment. It is a hark back to movies like "Fright Night" and "Return of the Living Dead" where good, scary thrills and chills, not to mention characters we care about, were central to our enjoyment. The film begins in an ominous tone recalling the open roadways out in the middle of nowhere of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre." We see two kids in the car, Trish (Gina Philips) and her younger brother, Darry (Justin Long), leaving for spring break from college and headed home. There is the usual banter between siblings about former boyfriends, dirty laundry, parents and urban legends. One particular legend is about a prom couple that died out in the same road they are driving on - they were found minus a head and a body. Suddenly, a roaring, tootin' truck that seems to have come out of hell chases them and nearly runs them over. The truck disappears but later, Darry spots a cloaked figure dumping body bags down a silo. The upshot is that the very same truck that almost killed them is also there. Instead of continuing on their way home, Darry decides to go back to the church and find if anyone is alive in those body bags. What happens next is often terrifying, eerie and blackly comical - almost a horror-comedy but not quite.

"Jeepers Creepers" is sometimes uneven as it awkwardly balances itself between humor and horror. The first half-hour, however, is great, terrifically chilling fun since we are not sure where the movie is headed. When Darry ends up in the basement of the church, he finds bodies stitched together and decorating the walls like the Sistine Chapel. We sense the killer is out there and that he could be in the basement. The question is: what is this killer? In the credits, he is known as the Creeper whose murderous strategy is taken from the lyrics of the song "Jeepers Creepers." He is also able to drive a mean truck at fast speeds and materialize from one place to another.

Director Victor Salva ("Powder") does a splendid job of crafting what would normally be a poor man's Clive Barker freakshow. Salva knows how to milk suspense out of deserted roadways, dark basements, silhouetted scarecrows, black crows, and so on. Most of the movie is saturated in atmospheric details, a nice respite from slasher film cliches and postmodernist winking. There is a great moment where the Creeper assumes a scarecrow position. I also like the constant birdcalls from the crows, a reminder that death is nearby.

Surprisingly, the acting by the two leads is astonishingly good. We are not talking about prettified teens from the Freddie Prinze and Sarah Michelle Gellar school. Gina Philips and Justin Long create credible teenagers facing an unknowing, evil force. Their bickering, bantering moments are upstaged by moments where they simply talk to each other, understanding and sizing each other up. The film spends at least fifteen to twenty minutes establishing their characters and that is a noble achievement in this day and age of soulless teen characters who make self-reverential horror movie statements.

"Jeepers Creepers" would have benefited from tighter pacing towards its conclusion, less of a Psychic Lady character who gives away too much information, and less of the cops who try to kill the Creeper at the police station. I would have loved to learn more about the bodies that decorate the walls of the church and more of the Creeper's superhuman abilities. We are unsure of what to make of this creature nor do we know its ultimate goal. But that is part of the fun of "Jeepers Creepers" - its vagueness supplies the chills, especially in the final, haunting shot. Watch out for those peepers!

Mediocrity comes in threes

JEEPERS CREEPERS 3 (2017)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

It is not likely to cause much fear in the hearts of men, the Creeper's visage that is. Seen mostly in the daylight, this bat-like monster is not that frightening or scary. In fact, his booby-trapped, bulletproof truck (you know, the kind of truck where bullets ricochet off of it when struck) is more fearsome than the monster - it would've been a nifty idea for Indiana Jones to try his hand at outmaneuvering it.

Stupidly set in between the events of "Jeepers Creepers" 1 and 2, the creature is back as it is still feeding time for the mysterious Creeper in the same town of the first film.  Sergeant Tubbs (Brandon Smith returning from the original film), incredulous at the idea that he is fighting a killer that is more monster than man, reluctantly joins forces with Sheriff Tashtego (Stan Shaw, in a largely thankless role) and some band of avenging outsiders who are ready to destroy the Creeper to smithereens. Meanwhile, we get some ragtag group of young bikers who get a little too close to the Creeper's truck; a clean cut teen couple who are ready for a CBS Schoolbreak Special than a movie; a borderline eccentric grandmother (Meg Foster, always a mighty presence on screen) who sees her son's ghost issuing warnings; and a few occasional kills to keep the viewer awake.

Number 3 in the Creeper saga doesn't have the velocity and ramped-up "Duel" rage of the first film. Some scenes of terror are sprinkled throughout but a lot of it made me wince (when did the Creeper update his truck with booby traps when none of this was evident in the first film? Also, did he not fly away with a victim at the end? Why would he return to this damn town? Why not just follow the events of the second film instead of doing a semi-prequel?) Writer-director Victor Salva has forgotten some key ingredients that made the first film a sweaty mixture of dread and unseen horrors: atmosphere as in showering the Creeper in shadows as a nocturnal presence (who can forget his whistling the title tune while approaching his victims), and characters with some depth of personality whom we can care about that builds the tension. Seeing the Creeper in daylight hours robs the monster of true horrific evil - it was best when he was in the shadows.

As for the supporting characters, Meg Foster's granny is the most watchable, the one I gravitated towards yet her character is left in the winds. What passes for character motivation on her part is digging up the Creeper's severed, still living hand and grabbing it that allows her eyes to turn white and see something...what? Nothing apparently. I wanted to believe for a second that she might've been related to the Creeper - that would have been a novelty. Sadly that could've been a curious novelty in a mediocre movie that has none.  

Animated Automobile Nostalgia

CARS (2006)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Pixar's latest animated feature, "Cars," is pure automobile nostalgia or perhaps animated automobile porn. If you love cars of all different sizes and shapes (and trucks too), then "Cars" is the movie for you. For the rest of us, it is certainly sleek yet overlong with a flimsy story that feels padded out to two hours. Still, tots and adults may enjoy it more than I did.

Set in a world populated by cars and trucks only, "Cars" begins with Lightning McQueen (voiced by Owen Wilson), a bright red race car whose dream is to win the Piston Cup, the major prize for winning at NASCAR-type racing. In his latest race, he is tied with two other formidable competitors, Chick Hicks (Michael Keaton) and The King (Richard Petty), by literally his tongue on the passing line. Lightning McQueen is on his way to California for another race when he is accidentally let loose while sleeping in a truck onto Route 66. He is chased by the police in a virtual ghost town called Radiator Springs. This town used to be a busy section of a time long forgotten where all the cars would ride along the main highway for leisure. Still, the angry judge of this town, Doc Hudson (voiced by Paul Newman), sentences Lightning to community service - Lightning's job is to clean up the ripped apart road leading into town.

Meanwhile, Lightning makes fast friends with tow truck Mater (voiced by Larry the Cable Guy) and Sally (Bonnie Hunt) the Porsche who has a soft spot for Lightning. We have scenes where sleeping tractors are tipped over, houseflies are minute cars with wings on them, a couple of fast-paced racing sequences, a statue of a deceased car, and much more.

Director John Lasseter and his team of animators have invested a lot of ingenuity into the visuals and lifelike animation - it is clearly an astounding technological job. I like some of the personalities of the cars but, let's be serious for a moment, this movie is monumentally silly and didactic. And there is only so much I can take of Owen Wilson's voice, plus Larry "Get 'Er Done" the Cable Guy's voice can be monotonous. Only Paul Newman comes through with cynicism and humanity as the Judge that seems to belong to a better movie than the nostalgic one we are stuck with.

As I've said, kids and adults will probably love it. I am no fan of talking pigs or animals or cars in general (except for "Watership Down"). But on the Pixar meter of quality animated fare, "Cars" is still far below "Monsters, Inc.," "The Incredibles" or the "Toy Story" flicks.

Blackout from Excess Love

DR. T AND THE WOMEN (2000)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Originally reviewed in 2000

The last half-hour of "Dr. T and the Women," Robert Altman's latest film, is so cheery, funny and unexpected that it is a temptation to recommend the film based solely on its bright finish. Unfortunately, the backbone of the film is so pedestrian and thin that you are left wondering if Altman has lost his sense of pacing and, dare I say, motivation.

Dr. T is Dr. "Sully" Travis (Richard Gere), a gynecologist who runs a busy office full of patients who stem from the upper-class regions of Dallas. In fact, all women in this film are upper-class, as are the men. Dr. T's personal life is in complete disarray, which perfectly complements his active office life. His wife, Kate (Farrah Fawcet), has been institutionalized as a result of dancing naked on a water fountain at the local mall! Her disease is a rare ailment known as a "Hestia" disorder, where an upper-class woman blacks out from too much love (I wonder if such an ailment exists named after a Greek Goddess). Too add insult to injury, Dr. T's cheerleading daughter, Dee Dee (Kate Hudson), is about to get married yet she may also have a secret admirer. Dr. T discovers this secret through his other daughter, the conspiracy nut and tour guide Connie (Tara Reid) who uses her cell phone as if it was attached to her ear.

Wait, there is more. Dr. T's alcoholic sister-in-law, Peggy (Laura Dern), has moved in to his house with her three daughters, and also adorns a cell phone. At Dr. T's golf club, a golf pro, Bree (Helen Hunt), romances him and teaches him a golf swing or two in the process. And finally, there is nurse Carolyn (Shelley Long), who wants the good doctor for herself and senses she can provide what he is missing in his own life, particularly sex.

It is clear from the onset that Dr. T loves and cares for women, and he may love some of them too much such as his troubling wife. Altman, however, suggests that his wife, Kate, may be unhappy or unfulfilled in her life or seeking attention - dancing nude in a public area doesn't necessarily mean that you are loved too much. But T is oblivious to all women beyond what he thinks they need, namely love and compassion. In the end, he finds that with Bree, love and compassion are only temporary.

There is a potentially winning character study in Dr. T but it is buried, and thus burdened, by endless scenes of champagne drinking, chats on cell phones, anxious women in the waiting room of Dr. T's office, and so on. There is little evidence here of Altman's strong character types from films such as "Short Cuts" or his recent "Cookie's Fortune" - the upper-class women here are depicted as mostly hollow Southern caricatures. Fawcet is mostly left on the cutting-room floor, barely alive in any scene she is in - I know she is supposed to be disoriented but that is not enough for a robotic performance. Laura Dern merely embarrasses herself, acting clumsy and disoriented as well. At least, Kate Hudson and Tara Reid rise above their thin portrayals with some gusto.

The best performance in the film is Richard Gere's - his effortless charisma and good looks do not mask his portrayal of Dr. T as a modest, winsome man, trying his best not to be overwhelmed by his family and overzealous patients who demand his attention. Gere's scenes with Helen Hunt are among the most alive in the entire film - a winning movie star combo that recalls Hunt's radiance when paired with Jack Nicholson in "As Good as it Gets."

Still, "Dr. T and the Women" starts off with a whimper and never quite recovers until the last thirty minutes with a mildly comical tone that manifests in a truly strange whirlwind of events. It is offputting, however, how Altman stages his scenes in the first half of the film without any pizzazz or wit to speak of - even his vintage overlapping dialogue grows wearisome. "Dr. T and the Women" is bereft of humor, emotion or drama - only Gere brings some pathos but for strict Altman fans, that may not be enough.