Jay Leno's Car Wreck of a Movie!

COLLISION COURSE (1989)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

So what we have here is a car wreck of a movie. We have "Tonight Show" host Jay Leno (in his thankfully sole leading role) as Tony Costas, a Detroit undercover cop who does his job badly. We have another cop, Fuji Natsuo (Pat Morita) from Tokyo, who is sent to Detroit to track down a Japanese engineer who stole some sort of turbocharger prototype. Costas and Natsuo are the buddy-buddy cop team who don't really want to work together, though the screenplay refuses to acknowledge this. Instead Costas thinks Natsuo is not a cop and so we have one endless scene after another where Costas chases him, sometimes in disguise.

The introduction to the villains is so slipshod that we assume they are villains because they tell us they are. Chris Sarandon and Tom Noonan are the bad guys, and in it for the slim paychecks. Same with Ernie Hudson of "Ghostbusters" fame as another undercover cop.

For what it is worth, "Collision Course" is strictly amateur night in every department. There are no laughs, mostly flat lines and flat characters. There is no energy, no enthusiasm, no urgency, and it also contains a silly synthesizer score that is pure 80's. To say this movie belongs in a garbage dump is to still give it justice. No, it belongs on a Detroit sidewalk where people can stomp on it endlessly.

YOU'RE FIRED!

THE TEMP (1993)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

(Original review from 1993)

"The Temp" is a ridiculously stupid, unscary thriller, so how can I possibly recommend it? Well, it has a sense of goofiness to it, and it is full of surprises and twists.

The titled vampish temp is played by the ideally cast Lara Flynn Boyle - a temp secretary for a disorganized boss (Timothy Hutton) - a junior exec for Mrs. Appleby baked goods company! Boyle eventually works her way up by getting promotions to other positions. Murder and sex are her primary rules of engagement to ascend to the top of the corporate ladder - she even tries to seduce Hutton, who's trying to reconcile with his wife (an early performance by long-haired Maura Tierney, who has since appeared in TV's "E.R."). What is a boss to do in this situation? Sexual Harassment pleas? Fire the secretary? Kill the secretary?

"The Temp" is downright silly, but it is never boring and it keeps moving. Lara Flynn Boyle exudes ample sexual energy as the villainous temp. Hutton is as bland as three-day old bread but he does have some nice confrontation scenes with the campy Faye Dunaway. It is an often tempestuous flick...good for a late night rental. Do not watch this with your boss!

Kissing in a gondola

A LITTLE ROMANCE (1979)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Picture-postcard romances are not my cup of tea, particularly teenage or coming-of-age romances. Therefore, it is with great enthusiasm that I report that "A Little Romance" is one of the finest, most poignant picture-postcard romances I have seen - genial and enlightening throughout.

The film begins with a theatre showing clips from "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid." "True Grit," and "The Sting" laughably dubbed in French. The kid watching these American films is Daniel (Thelonious Bernard), a French kid with eyes full of amusement at everything he sees (he would have been at home in a Francois Truffaut film). Daniel emulates certain gestures and lines from these American heroes, such as "bingo!" and "Here's looking at you kid." One day, his class visits the film set of an American production starring Broderick Crawford (exceedingly funny cameo). While Daniel observes the action, he notices a girl reading a book rather than enjoying the action of filmmaking. Her name is Lauren (Diane Lane, in her film debut), a lover of philosophy books, who instantly senses something she likes about a kid who will carry her books and has his own homespun philosophies on literature and American movies. They start dating, meeting at subway stations, porno movie theatres, and cavorting in front of the Louvre. Their dream is to go to Venice and kiss in a gondola under a bridge where the church bells toll. This tall tale is told by the supposedly worldly con artist (Laurence Olivier), who shares a train ride with them to Venice after supposedly winning a bet at the races for the lovebirds.

"A Little Romance" moves swiftly from one episode to another, and it is the charming performances by the three leads that engages us from the beginning. Bernard and Lane have terrific chemistry, and we always hope that their romantic fantasy is fulfilled. Lane in particular was already beginning to show her flirtatious personality with her winks and frequent nods - quite a good early performance. Bernard is also winning as Daniel, and evokes a smile that is impossible to forget (say that about any recent child actors in the movies). Olivier is at his hammiest and at his most assuredly comical - he obviously is having a blast playing this fallible, elderly con artist and pickpocket.

There are also brief supporting performances by Arthur Hill as Lauren's agreeable father and Sally Kellerman as Lauren's nervous, flirtatious mother, an actress who may be having an affair with a movie director (who looks like a combination of Peter Bogdanovich and William Friedkin). She has a great line when she shouts to Lauren proclaiming the move from France to "goddamned Houston!"

"A Little Romance" could have used more emphasis on Lauren's parents and especially Daniel's father, who is practically left out of the film. Nevertheless, this is an exceptionally sweet and uplifting film delicately balancing between comedy and romance with unforced ease. And there is something to be said about a film focusing on such smart kids with aspirations. Imagine that.

A Ripper in the Space Time Continuum

TIME AFTER TIME (1979)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

For truly harmless sci-fi fare with a twinge of irony, you can't do much better than "Time After Time," a very entertaining suspense thriller that successfully hinges on its two leading stars to make it work.

Set in 1893, Malcolm McDowell is H.G. Wells, the legendary science-fiction writer who invites his friends to dinner to tell them that he has invented an actual time machine! This magnificent invention is cut short by the intrusion of Jack the Ripper, who turns out to be the main doctor in town. The Ripper (David Warner) escapes in Wells' time machine to San Francisco in 1979, where he can continue his bloody rampage. Wells goes after Ripper by going to San Francisco via his time machine, which is a museum curiosity in a show in the future devoted to Wells himself! Not only does Wells have to find the Ripper, he must also deal with modern-day society and their "motorcars," not to mention television and fast-food restaurants (his ordering a meal is the biggest laugh in the entire film).

While trying to convert his money to American currency, he meets a bank teller, Amy Robbins (Mary Steenburgen), who may be one of the Ripper's next targets. Meanwhile, Amy confesses to Wells that she longs for marriage and commitment, and Wells admits he is a strong proponent of free love (The real H.G. Wells was an advocate of free love when it came exclusively to men - he had many affairs while married to, you guessed it, Amy Robbins, his second wife).

"Time After Time" is inventive and delectably funny in spots, but too much time is devoted to the Ripper and his blood lust. One scene stands out early on when Wells finally confronts the Ripper. Chillingly, the Ripper explains that the violence of modern-day society has ironically caught up with his murderous ways - he proves it by switching channels on the television that speaks of global atrocities and war. Yet Warner never feels chilling otherwise though he certainly has a threatening presence - he looks like a stock London swinger who takes himself too seriously and just happens to cut up women. Perhaps that is the idea but I sense the Ripper may have been a more powerful man than what is depicted here. What works marvelously is McDowell and Steenburgen (who later married in real-life) - they have very sweet chemistry.

Essentially, "Time After Time" is ultimately a love story with a very moving ending. It's just that the Ripper screws up the fabric of an otherwise timeless love story.

Rob Zombie haunts our animated world

THE HAUNTED WORLD OF EL SUPERBEASTO (2009)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Rob Zombie's "The Haunted World of El Superbeasto" is the most foul-mouthed, zonked-out wet dream of an animated film since Ralph Bakshi first burst onto the animated front. This movie is about bursting, bursting in size with every bodily orifice and phallic symbol of every imaginable kind, and women's breasts that burst and are used as weapons, depending on the cup size. This movie will offend everyone but if you have the most tangible sense of humor, you'll be tickled pink by all the rosebud imagery. Huh? I don't know what that means either.

Tom Papa (who co-wrote the film) voices El Superbeasto, a masked celebrity and "man of action" who makes porn films and does music on the side. He also beats characters of all sizes and shapes to a bloody pulp, in some cases killing them accidentally, and is always after the women, mostly of the stripper variety. Superbeasto has a voluptuous sister named Suzi X (Sheri Moon Zombie) who spends her time with a Golem creature robot named Murray (!) who can convert itself into a vehicle (and has a certain aperture that also grows in size when Suzi X, ahem, rides him). Suzi seeks to rid the world of evil, I imagine, as she kills Nazi zombies who hold Hitler's head in a container! El Superbeasto is supposed to assist but he's busy banging chicks galore, including Velvet Von Black (Rosario Dawson) who is more interested in a giant ape with a screw on its head!

"El Superbeasto" is filled with sexual imagery, abundant gore, and a myriad of references to Universal Monster flicks, "The Shining", "The Fly", "Carrie" and some of Zombie's own wicked characters from "House of 1000 Corpses." Is it sickeningly funny or just plainly sick and perverted? A little of both since Zombie just aims to rev up the engine of this movie without regard to story or nuance or subtlety. Still, it is a passable, wickedly funny entertainment and I laughed out loud a few times. I don't love it but it certainly ranks higher than his dreadful "Halloween" remake.

Chuck Norris Fact: He fought the Devil once and won

HELLBOUND (1994)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

There is a special place reserved in Hell for movies made about demons and the Devil's emissaries. I am thinking this place is called "The Rental Bin of Disastrous Devil Movies Near the River Styx." Styx, by the way, is the river crossed by dead souls on the way to Hades, according to Greek Myth. I rather see a film about that than a Chuck Norris action vehicle crossed with long-haired demons who were banished by Richard the Lionhearted.

Chuck Norris is the typical stone-faced cop that he had overplayed throughout the 1980's. Calvin Levels is his ostensibly smart-mouthed partner who never says anything remotely smart-mouthed (when he waxes on about the Chicago Bulls, well, that is about as smart-mouthed as he gets). The two cops travel to Israel on the taxpayers' dime to find a killer who is actually Satan's emissary. Throw in some tomfoolery regarding a street urchin, depressingly few karate fights with Norris kicking butt, a leading lady and vastly underused love interest for Norris (played by Sheree Wilson, who would later grace her presence on TV's "Walker: Texas Ranger" that also starred Norris), a candlelit monastery and hokey special-effects and you've got grade-D Cannon fodder.

Christopher Neame is the demon who pretends to be some sort of antiquities expert. His voice becomes deeper and his eyes turn green when he is either threatened or ready to sacrifice a woman of royal blood to Satan. Why royal? No explanation is given. Why does the demon engage in hand-to-hand combat with Norris when all he has to do is use his supernatural powers to thwart the Chicago cop? Can't say.

"Hellbound" is pure garbage that never exploits its central idea - it just assumes that a demon threatening you can be beaten by flying kicks. Hell has not been this boring since "Exorcist II."

Missing in Action 4: The Return of Chuck Norris (albeit briefly)

THE EXPENDABLES 2 (2012)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

I am all for big, dumb, explosive action porn. I am not a devotee of the today's "Fast and Furious" school of Excess but, I admit with reservations, there were some decent Golan-Globus pics back in the 80's and there are some decent ones nowadays. There were also some terrible ones in the last two decades that offered nothing more than assaulting your senses with brain-dead dialogue and various explosions. "The Expendables" was a return to the old Stallone/Schwarzenegger/Van Damme/Lundgren macho action pics with barechested, brawny G.I. Joe types whose heroism was defined by their body count. "Expendables 2" is virtually action movie porn with the emphasis on CGI-blood effects, machine gun fire, and lots of bareknuckle fights and more Digitally Magnified Thud Sounds. For some, this is enough. For me, the first film offered a tinge bit more.

The macho mercenary gang who are all full of sound and fury exchange gunfire right at the beginning of the film, during a rescue attempt of one of their captured mercernaries, Mr. Trench (Arnold Schwarzenegger). Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Terry Crews, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren and company are all on board, exchanging occasional quips and extreme bravado. Back home, Stallone welcomes a new member to the group, a young sniper named Billy the Kid (Liam Hemsworth) who wants to retire, and disapproves of another new member, Maggie Chan (Yu Nan), a technical expert who is handy with a weapon. Nan's Chan is the brightest spot of this bunch. Of course, old scores need to be settled as Stallone's G.I. Joe group are commissioned by Mr. Church (Bruce Willis), a CIA operative, to find a suitcase equipped with a computer that pinpoints the location of plutonium in a Russian abandoned mine. After we get precious little exposition, the gang finds themselves in Russia and smack in the middle of the evil arms dealer, Jean Vilain (Jean Claude Van Damme), who wants the computer. Vilain? Goodness me. I miss the days of clever villainous names like Ernst Stravos Blofeld.

I rather not give away too much of the hairline fracture of a plot except to say that one of the testosteroned members of the Expendables is killed and it becomes a revenge story. If only it were more fun and involving. There are shootings galore, knives thrust into bellies and heads and necks and various other body parts, bones crushed and broken and split in innumerable ways, several bareknuckle fights which go on longer than any realistic fight, and lots of machine gun fire. I mean RAT-A-TAT-TAT on overload. There is one sequence where Stallone, Schwarzenegger, Willis, Crews and even Chuck Norris fire one round after round in complete unison. And speaking of Norris, he plays Booker, a retired military operative who is practically a one-man army who materializes out of thin air - a deus ex machina for those raised on Golan-Globus action epics. Why are the Expendables needed if this guy can mow down hundreds of villainous minions and destroy a tank in a matter of seconds? Missing in Action, much?

I found Norris and Yu Nan to be the best thing about this empty-headed exercise in plotless brutality. The first "Expendables" was a no-brainer but a mildly fun excursion that eventually went into near-Michael-Bay extremes. However, it also had moments to pause for character reflection and Stallone, who wrote and directed the first film and is replaced as a director here by Simon West, included some real-life aspects of war and torture to give it more of a spin. Here, this is all brawn and action dramatics dialed up to 111. The heroes, including the usually dynamic Jason Statham, are virtually indistinguishable from each other. Fight, kill, maim, destroy and laugh about it in the process with, ironically, no real trace of humor or character definition. 1984's "Missing in Action" at least contained a little more restraint.