Teabagging Pecker is more fun than watching Pecker

PECKER (1998)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

(Originally reviewed in 1999)

There are always films that you are better off renting on video than seeing at a theater. "Pink Flamingos" is one of those films that I wish I had seen in a theater - it's designed for the midnight movie circuit. "Pecker" is one of those films designed for the Staten Island trash circuit. It is not meant to be seen in any cinematic form. It is so thoroughly revolting and unfunny that I have to hold my breath to remind myself that director John Waters made it. Revolting may not be the best term to use for "Pecker," since John Waters used to be the king of bad taste (hence "Pink Flamingos"). I am more astonished by how putrid the writing and directing are in "Pecker" - it has no redeeming value whatsoever.

This trash concerns a kid named Pecker (Edward Furlong), who works at a sandwich store in the run-down section of Baltimore. He constantly snaps photos of everything he sees, including steaks; his girlfriend's breasts; his sugar freak sister; a group of men "teabagging" customers at a local club; his best friend (Brendan Sexton III) posing before shoplifting from supermarkets; his grandmother's Virgin Mary statue, and on and on...but is any of this funny or remotely engaging? No.

Before you know it, Pecker is discovered by a New York art dealer (Lili Taylor) and becomes a media sensation, as does his whole family. He appears on the cover of Vogue magazine, invites comparisons to Diane Arbus, and attracts the attention of the famous photographer Cindy Sherman! But this story of how fame and fortune can be more damaging than staying true to yourself is a theme that has been done to death, and Waters does nothing to keep it new, fresh or interesting.

The actors are embarrassingly bland and uninvolving, including the always sprightly Lili Taylor. Furlong exudes little charisma or depth, and Christina Ricci as Pecker's girlfriend - an expert on stains - is needlessly over-the-top and unintelligible at times. The only actor that delivers an ounce of wit is Waters regular Mink Stole, as a voting booth attendant - she makes the screen sparkle for the few seconds she appears.

"Pecker" is brainless, unrewarding junk that will make you wince at how shockingly bad it is. Almost every scene is flatly staged and acted. Along with "Cry-Baby," this is Waters at the extreme bottom-of-the-barrel level.

Spike Lee's Kickstarter campaign!

Spike Lee's Kickstarter campaign!

By Jerry Saravia

Spike Lee recently started a Kickstarter campaign to receive completion funds (1.25 million) to finance his new film, "Da Blood of Jesus," a film about people addicted to blood (this may or may not be a vampire film). Check out my thoughts below on Lee's campaign and other notable Kickstarter campaigns, some which may make your hair curl!

Radically dull John Waters

CECIL B. DEMENTED (2000)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia
(originally written in 2001)

I am not sure what to make of John Waters at this point. The witty Baltimore trash director who opened the world's eyes with the fabulously disgusting "Pink Flamingos" has followed that hit with more lows than highs. For every "Hairspray" and "Serial Mom," there were travesties to cinematic decency such as "Cry-Baby" and "Pecker." "Cecil B. Demented" shows me a director who is sinking to such a low extreme that I found myself trying to come up for air repeatedly.

Cecil B. Demented (Stephen Dorff) is a no-budget film director/cult leader who along with his crew, known as the "Sprocket Holes," kidnap a famous movie star, Honey Whitlock (Melanie Griffith), and force her to star in their own demented production. Cecil's intent is to shoot a film titled "Raging Beauty" about outlaw filmmakers who bust in and out of multiplexes, production meetings and more multiplexes to proclaim their rant that Hollywood, basically, sucks! Their hostage, Honey with a peroxide hairdo, will help them fight their cause by threatening everyone with a gun and ranting their philosophies such as "Death to those who support mainstream cinema!"

"The Sprocket Holes" are a motley crew of punkish, insufferably smug character types that include Cherish (Alicia Witt), an incest victim who is also a former porno star; a drug addict named Lyle (Adrienne Grenier) who consumes all substances and plays the leading man in Demented's film, and Rodney (Jack Noseworthy), the hair stylist who hates being heterosexual. There is also a makeup artist, Raven (Maggie Gyllenhaal), a Satanic worshipper who adores Kenneth Anger and Aleister Crowley, and a butch female cinematographer and producer, and so on. None of these characters elicit much interest or inspiration. They come across as flat caricatures.

In the end, that may be the problem with John Waters. His last excruciating film, "Pecker", was so flatly staged that it induced boredom more than anything else. There is no drive, no energy, no real sense of movement in this film either. You get the sense that Waters only filmed one take of every scene with no punch or irony. Of course, none of that would matter if the film was funny but it is decidedly not. The fundamental question is: who is Waters really attacking in this film? It may seem like Hollywood but that is a moot point when you consider savagely funny satires such as "The Player", "Living in Oblivion" and "My Life's in Turnaround," to name but a few. Also consider how in the last few years, independent films have become almost as mainstream as Hollywood. Has Waters heard of Miramax, which is literally Hollywood in the East Coast, the same company that produced "The English Patient"? The term "indie" has been abused so often that the line between Hollywood and independent is very thin. And what company has produced Waters latest? Well, it is Artisan Entertainment, the same company that puts its label on a new video edition of Schwarzeneger's "The Terminator"!

"Cecil B. Demented" is simply not demented enough or savage enough to really attack its targets and so as satire, it fails miserably. The actors shout and rant but with little purpose or ingenuity. The film ends with a crowd forming around the drive-in showing of Honey's last Hollywood opus while Cecil and his demented group go around having sex with each other while the cops shoot at them. It may seem radical but I would call it desperate at best.

J Lost in her own Ghost World

MY FIRST MISTER (2001)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Leelee Sobieski has an earthy, ethereal presence that makes you fall in love with her. She has narrowly shaped-eyes that can see what you are really thinking, and you feel wrong to tell her anything but the truth. Sobieski is perfectly cast in "My First Mister," and yet she is miscast. How can this be? I am not sure but the last thing I'd ever expect her to play is a Goth chick who scribbles endless versions of her own eulogy. She is not Goth the way that Fairuza Balk would be and has been. There is something deeply disturbing and irksome about Sobieski in this film and yet something soulful and serene about her. Putting it midly, she is the star of the show.

Sobieski plays Jennifer, or "J" as she prefers, a cynical, misunderstood and misunderstanding teenage girl who listens to punk rock music, writes poetic phrases about death (and pricks her finger to make bloody marks on the pages), dresses in black, has dozens of piercings (though not on any private parts), and wears her hair in shades of black and purple. She despises her mother (Carol Kane) for being so blandly happy, dismisses her stepfather (Michael McKean), hates her real father, a stoner (John Goodman), and basically feels alienated from her high school peers and teachers (she even imagines a teacher with fangs snarling at her). Who can this girl relate to?

One fine day, after getting fired from her job, she meets a meek, anal retentive man named Randall (Albert Brooks) who owns a clothing store at the local mall. She tries to get a job at the store and he dismisses her. Slowly, though, after making crude remarks about his beer belly, they develop an unusual friendship based on mutual needs. Both of them are loners and they begin to know each other intimately. Randall sees a forlorn teenager who needs someone to listen to her. Jennifer sees Randall as a man who cannot relate to anyone based on fear of people, and who would rather settle for an evening reading a magazine than having a conversation. They open their eyes to each other's faults and misgivings about people in their lives, including lovers, ex-wives, and crazy parents.

"My First Mister" is nothing new but it has a stunningly good premise. A punk rock teenager who could get her "eyeballs pierced" sharing small talk with a straight-as-an-arrow store manager is ripe for good laughs, and I do mean as comedic material. Of course, opposites do attract but, in the real world, it is unlikely such a union could take place (or maybe I do not get out much at the local malls). I had a hard time believing that this could develop into a relationship beyond sharing small talk, and I think I was right. First-time director Christine Lahti (who won an Academy Award for a short film she directed) directs everything in the first hour with ease and just enough pizazz to make us wonder where this strange relationship will go. Unfortunately, as with most similar tales, it takes a route headed into that deadly maudlin road where forgiveness is possible and people can change 180 degrees from their initial behavior. Let's consider Jennifer for a moment - she talks about killing herself and she wounds herself with sharp objects. Randall notices all this so the logical solution would be that Jennifer needs help, or is merely crying for help. Or she is just a rebel without a cause? A goth chick who makes a mockery out of any and everyone suddenly warms up to Randall because he is so lonely? Something doesn't quite click here. Either A.) Make Jennifer just a hopeless rebel goth chick who has a talent for poetry and needs to belong to something or B.) Make her a mental case who needs help fast. Both ideas coincide uneasily and the problem with this kind of screenwriting is that it assumes the audience has amnesia. The Jennifer at the start of the film and at the end of the film seem to be two different people.

And surprisingly enough, "My First Mister" warrants a viewing because of Leelee Sobieski. No matter how many left turns the script takes, Leelee stole my heart and made me wish her character would better her life (the scene where she reconciles with her mother, though, left a lot to be desired). I would have eliminated the character of Randall's son completely, and focused on other aspects of Randall (like his relationship with the nurse played by Mary Kay Place). Anything but the son which seems to come from a different movie. Lovely Leelee and Albert Brooks make it worthwile in the long run. Still, for a movie that begins like the phenomenal "Ghost World" only to end up as a Lifetime special is pushing credibility a little too far.

Phone home to 1982 version

E.T.: THE EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL (1982)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

(original review from 2002 screening)

I am not a huge fan of sentimental fantasy movies, but there is still a special place in my heart for "E.T. - The Extra-Terrestrial," Steven Spielberg's superb fantasy movie that is now getting a digitally remastered look and some added footage. I do not agree with the changes but I will say that seeing it again in a theater (having seen it twice in theaters in 1982) confirms this as one of Spielberg's finest achievements. A soaring, spirited, marvelous film that will be remembered for ages, just like its antecedent, "The Wizard of Oz."

Living in small-town suburbia, Elliott (Henry Thomas) is the eight year old kid who discovers an alien outside his house. Slowly but surely he develops a relationship with the friendly alien who loves Reese's Pieces (the sales of that candy skyrocketed at the time of the film's release). When Elliott's older brother, Mike (Robert MacNaughton), and his young sister, Gertie (Drew Barrymore), discover the alien in Elliott's room, a sense of awe takes over, unsure of how to react to a strange looking creature with big eyes, an enormous head and an elongated neck. Naturally, Mom (Dee Wallace) is not told of the creature staying in their house.

E.T.'s mission is to get back home after being left stranded on Earth. He tries to communicate with his kind using phone wires, a saw, a turntable and an electronic spelling machine. He also learns rather quickly to talk, and is used to substitute for Gertie during Halloween! Before you know it, the deja vu sets in when government agents are looking for the alien creature to do experiments. Can Elliott convince the agents that the alien is not out to do harm, that he is as friendly as your neighborhood dog?

Spielberg described the film as a "a fairy tale for the 80's," and it is as magical and entertaining as any of Spielberg's other flights of fancy. What is most amazing is how incredibly convincing the creature is. Never for a moment is there an indication that the creature is an animatronic marvel of special effects. It probably helps that Spielberg wisely avoids showing too much of the creature. There are often close-ups of its face, its enormous eyelids, and its gnome-like feet but not too much more to notice how fake all of it is (the same holds true of Spielberg's "Jaws" where the shark was barely seen).

Since the film deals with kids, we see the world and E.T. through the kids' eyes. Every shot is usually from a low angle, and adults are always seen from such an angle. This includes the terrific sequence in the classroom where Elliott is able to feel E.T.'s emotional feelings and senses telepathically. In this sequence, the science teacher's face is not actually shown, only his hands and arms. With the exception of Elliott's mother, adults are usually seen as a threat, particularly to Elliott and E.T.

There is not much more to say about "E.T." that has not been said before. The special-edition of the film, however, leaves something to be desired. Although the film looks and sounds as great as it once was, Spielberg ought to learn from George Lucas how not to meddle with the tried and true. The CGI effects for E.T. destroy whatever was real about the creature in the first place. I remember best how the film showed E.T. gliding away from its pursuers in the opening sequence. Now he jumps up and down, and then appears tired as the spaceship takes off. It somehow looks more fake than when they used a puppet. Especially appalling is the deleted bathroom sequence where Elliott takes a bath with E.T. The creature in this scene looks far too animated as compared to later shots where it is drunk in the kitchen, bumping into objects and so on. If Spielman wanted to use CGI, he should have reanimated the creature completely or not bothered at all.

Most upsetting is the final sequence where the government agents chase E.T. and the kids on bikes with guns. Now the agents carry walkie-talkies, not guns, thanks to CGI technology. Spielberg has said this is the way the sequence was always intended. Is he serious? As with most remastered editions of classics, this results in the deletion of one essential shot. As you may recall, the kids on bikes are cornered by hundreds of agents, all holding guns. One agent holds a rifle aimed squarely at E.T. The suspense carries over, as we fear for the kids' lives. Deleting this shot ruins whatever suspense was initially there. Just because you can revamp a film with CGI effects doesn't mean you should.

Okay, and lastly, how about the line delivered by Elliott's mother to Mike? She tells him not to dress like a terrorist for Halloween. After September 11th, 2001, this line might carry more of a negative connotation than initially but this is a film from 1982. The word "terrorist" is now replaced with "hippie." Why would the mother object to him dressing like a hippie? And the terrorist angle carries weight during the suspenseful chase sequence...but since the agents do not carry guns. Oh, enough said.

Despite all deletions and changes, "E.T." is one of Spielberg's finest films, taking us from our own childhood the dream of what it would be like to have an a special visitor from another world in your bedroom. Thanks to screenwriter Melissa Mathison, the film brings us back to our childhood innocence, remembering the dreams and hopes we all had for a better future. If we can be friendly with an alien from another world, we can get along with anybody.

Garner gives the Hand the Finger

ELEKTRA (2005)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Watching Jennifer Garner in a billowing red dress wielding two dagger weapons might endear the prepubescent set but not me. Nevertheless, despite shortcomings in the script and character department, "Elektra" is not as bad as reputed to be and gets marginally better as it rolls along. It is not a Marvel adaptation to marvel home about, but it is no disaster either.

Garner plays the titled character, last seen in "Daredevil" where she was killed during combat. Now she is resurrected from the dead by her blind mentor, Stick (Terence Stamp), who had also trained Daredevil once upon a time in Marvel comic-book land. But instead of being a noble superheroine, Elektra is an assassin-for-hire, I think, though she seems to work exclusively for one agent. I also think she is hired to kill her enemies who mostly work for the Order of the Hand, a Japanese organization. The Hand is after the Treasure, and it is up to Elektra to prevent anyone from grabbing the Treasured Treasure. Prior to this underwhelmingly flimsy plot, Elektra is commissioned for a hit on her neighbors, a single father and his effusively smart daughter (played by Goran Visnjic and Kirsten Prout). Naturally, she has a Nikita conscience and chooses to save them from ninja assassins who are about to kill them as well. Whatever.

"Elektra" has its share of mediocre fight scenes, all edited with chainsaw ferocity rather than any real Zhang Zimou or Ang Lee flair. The movie has far too many plot holes (including a bare mention of Elektra's OCD) and a risible romantic subplot, though the special-effects and the supervillains are occasionally nifty. Still, the movie is all about intense close-ups of that angular face of Jennifer Garner's. I never bought her as an assassin, however, if nothing else, Garner has an electric presence on screen - she always seems adrift in her own thoughts and you can't help but wonder what she is thinking. Her face is the only thing that sizzles in "Elektra."

Ben Affleck as Daredevil?

DAREDEVIL (2003)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

For some reason, the Marvel comic-book hero Daredevil has never been a favorite of mine. Maybe it is that red suit or the fact that he seemed more human than superhuman. Who knows. I still find Spider-Man to be the most effective superhero of all time because of his genuine flaws and the fact that he sometimes  failed (remember the death of Gwen Stacy?) Granted that Daredevil has his flaws but this big-screen version starring Ben Affleck rarely captures his humanity, and that is one of many reasons it doesn't work.

The opening sequence is promising as it details Daredevil's origins. As a kid living in Hell's Kitchen, his father, a boxer nicknamed the Devil (David Keith), is seen working for the mob. The kid is so distraught at seeing his father involved in such business that he accidentally gets sprayed with toxic chemicals. This leaves the kid with a permanent loss of sight that has enhanced his aural capabilities, to the point where traffic and other noises get raised to a high decibel level. Naturally, such capabilities help him fight neighborhood bullies, including having a sixth sense that somehow allows him to see visions in bluish color. Cut to twenty years later, Matt Murdock (Ben Affleck) is a blind lawyer by day, a superhero in tights at night. His mission is to get rid of crime in the neighborhood streets, which includes any minions working for cigar-chomping Kingpin (Michael Clarke Duncan), the resident crime boss of New York. For Kingpin to able to operate, he needs to get rid of Daredevil. He hires Bullseye (Colin Ferrell), an Irish psychopathic freak whose one novelty is being able to throw anything at an intended target without ever missing (until he runs into Daredevil). His specialty includes knives, darts, pins, playing cards and even peanuts! Don't let any swords get in his hands.

In the meantime, Matt has a fling with a limber woman named Elektra (Jennifer Garner), who is quite the super athlete, not to mention adept at the martial-arts. Unfortunately, she is on Kingpin's hit list since her father had worked for the big boss. Can Daredevil save her in time, or is Kingpin more than he bargained for?

"Daredevil" starts strong and then quickly dissipates into an empty shell of a movie. All we learn about Matt Murdock is that he is a vigilante, aiming for revenge for his father's death, and also a Catholic who goes to confession on a regular basis. As played by Affleck, there is not much more to the character and, frankly, Affleck is not capable of giving much either. There is no sense of charisma or spark to the character, and how the heck can this CGI Daredevil defy the laws of physics and gravity? He flies around town with the ease of Spider-Man - where he did acquire such superhuman strength? I thought he just had those miraculous senses! In fact, everyone in this movie defies the laws of gravity, including a completely unbelievable introductory fight scene between Elektra and Daredevil. I don't expect much believability in comic-book movies but there must be some sense of logic. It has become a cliche to copy the slow-motion CGI effects of "The Matrix" to the point of numbing repetition - how often can we see a character do a backflip in mid-air in slow-motion during a fight scene? Enough already.

If there is one aspect of "Daredevil" I truly enjoyed, it was Jennifer Garner's spunky, funny, humane performance as Elektra. She doesn't merit much screen time, but what there is enough to make me a fan (I hear that an "Elektra" movie is in the works). I have not seen her series "Alias" but I loved her brief role in "Catch Me if You Can." She has what the rest of the flatly mediocre "Daredevil" lacks: magic.