Alcoholic, thieving, sexed-up Santa

BAD SANTA (2003)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

The only words I have for "Bad Santa" is that it is indisputably funny. Many will disagree but you can't expect anyone to have the same formal opinion when it comes to a movie about an alcoholic, foul-mouthed thief who dresses up as Santa. The reason this movie works so well is because of Billy Bob Thornton, a remarkable actor who continually surprises me.

Good old Billy Bob plays Willie, an alcoholic safecracker who has a long-time partner, an angry dwarf named Marcus (Tony Cox). They have been robbing department stores at Christmas time for eight years. The basic setup is simple: Willie gets a job as Santa and the dwarf is your basic elf. By the end of the holiday season, Willie and the elf will wait for the store to close and rob it blind. They prove successful in their exploits, enough to where Willie can afford to drink himself into a drunken stupor until the following Christmas. Sadly, the newest attempt proves a disaster from the beginning. Willie obviously hates being Santa, hates kids, hates department stores, and naturally hates himself. He is always drunk, is foul-mouthed to everyone (including his employer played the late John Ritter), incessantly uses the four-letter word, has sex with customers in the dressing rooms, etc. Nobody can play a mean drunk half as well as Billy Bob Thornton.

Suspicions abound when the store's security chief (Bernie Mac) is on to the duo and wants a cut of the profits. There are also some other obstacles. Willie meets a kid (Brett Kelly), known in the credits as The Kid, who insists that Willie is Santa Claus and will do anything to help him. This includes the Kid letting Willie stay at his house, while Kid's father is in jail and the only parental guardian is his almost catatonic grandmother (Cloris Leachman). Another obstacle is Sue (Lauren Graham), a bartender who loves to boink guys in Santa suits. Willie is no exception, and the relationship seems to be nothing but sex. That is until we slowly learn that Sue has feelings for a drunker-than-thou Santa Claus.

What can we expect to see in "Bad Santa"? I saw the unrated cut (known as "Badder Santa"), which includes some extra boinking scenes (including a moment where Willie demonstrates to an underage girl how to play pinball with more thrusting), Bernie Mac getting his toenails manicured, a dazed and confused Cloris sleeping through most of the movie, the Santa-loving kid with the occasional snot in his nose, Willie knocking over reindeer models, and so on. Yes, filth and vulgarity galore. I've neglected to mention that I found this movie funny throughout. Yes, I got a kick out of it.

True, Billy Bob seems almost too intelligent to make stupid mistakes. Also true that the movie is slightly overlong (including a far-too extended and slightly sappy climax). The Kid is not always the most appealing character to look at, what with all that snot in his nose. And I would've loved more scenes with Sue so that we got an inkling as to her attachment towards Bad Santa.

Still, "Bad Santa" is funny and mean-spirited in good, healthy doses to make one smile. There is a touch of humanity thanks to Billy Bob that could've easily been nothing less than a one-joke movie with any other actor. With Billy Bob and director Terry Zwigoff ("Ghost World"), it is a socko comic triumph with plenty of belly laughs. 

Jill Schoelen is an angel pointing the way

AN ACTOR CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE

By Jerry Saravia

Celebrities (actors, actresses, directors, etc.) are people first, celebrities second. I always thought of Jill Schoelen as a person first, not a movie star or an actress. To those who are unaware of who Jill Schoelen is, she is the star of films like "The Stepfather," "Popcorn," "Rich Girl," and "When a Stranger Calls Back," among other films. From my own experience, I guess it has to do with "The Stepfather," the first film where I first took notice of her. Her Stephanie Maine character in that film instilled confidence in me that I might meet someone special later in life, and of course I have - my darling, wonderfullest Dana who has been my better half since 2003. I first saw "The Stepfather" on late night TV in the fall of 1989, not long after graduating high school. In high school, I was a loner and never had much luck with women, and didn't try to. I can't explain it but Jill Schoelen's sweetness and rebelliousness in that film was hitting me like a flash of my future - that a woman like that could be in my future and take an interest in someone like me. She was like an angelic sister at my side, somehow directing me to where I am today. It may sound odd but that is what she did for me. Although Jill is not a friend of mine beyond facebook nor have I ever met her, I would thank her for giving me the confidence to communicate with women, without feeling agitated or nervous about it. I don't know where I would be had it not been for that late night in the fall of 1989...it was fate I suppose and it still took some work (I hardly became an overnight Lothario). Of course, I don't know where I would be without my Dana either. Jill Schoelen was the first step in making a difference in my life. Thank you Jill!

1 out of 4 is a bad score

FOUR ROOMS (1995)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Allison Anders, Quentin Tarantino, Alexander Rockwell and Robert Rodriguez all have one thing in common. They have concocted a disastrously wrongheaded anthology about four different rooms in a David Lynchian hotel with one omnipresent character, a bellboy. If only these four rooms didn't all seem the same.

Tim Roth plays Ted, the bellboy who works one long night on New Year's Eve catering to the demands of every guest at the hotel. Firstly, we have a coven of witches all played by Madonna, Lili Taylor, Valeria Golino, Sammi Davis and Ione Skye. For Skye to become a witch, she needs Ted's sperm! Then Ted inadvertently wanders into a bizarre S & M game with Jennifer Beals. Later, Ted finds himself acting as a babysitter for two little rascals while the parents (Tamlyn Tomita, Antonio Banderas) are out partying. Finally, there is the movie star (Quentin Tarantino) and his cohorts on the top floor who stage a bet involving cutting someone's pinkie off.

To give Tim Roth the title role is a stroke of genius but he's not given much of a character to play. His constant tics and forced smiles in all four episodes evoke wearisome histrionics, not laughter. Just imagine what Steve Buscemi from "Barton Fink" might have done with this.

The best episode is the first one called "The Missing Ingredient" with the coven of witches - it is funny and has some zest to it, and all the actresses make witty appearances. Rockwell's awful "Wrong Man" episode is uneven, stupid and definitely the worst - this episode's idea of wit is to have Beals's character come up with various synonyms for penis. Rodriguez's over-the-top "Misbehavers" is strangely dull with Banderas overdoing his "Desperado" slicked-ponytail routine. The last episode, "The Man From Hollywood," is relentlessly dreary with Tarantino doing his one-note characterization of a movie star and his knowledge of how movies gross at the box-office. The finger foible story adds zilch to Tarantino's own pulpy film resume, and the constant hand-held camerawork and litany of f-curses is headache-inducing.

"Four Rooms" is a misguided and terminally unfunny anthology offering none of the evident talent from its star directors, excluding Allison Anders ("Gas, Food and Lodging"). It is less a movie than an excuse to show a serpentine, uncontrollable late-night party with more jeers than cheers.

The makings of a disaster

LE FEAR 2: LE SEQUEL (2015)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Making a low-budget B monster movie is sure fun for anyone involved. Making or attempting to make a quality "film noir" horror movie with Z-grade amateurs is probably not much fun. Part of the hilarity of Jason Croot's "Le Fear 2: Le Sequel" is when you expect quality with a bigger budget...and you still get horse dung.

Carlos Revalos (Kyri Saphiris) is the incompetent filmmaker who is pitching to make a horror film that features vampires and presumably witch doctors. A South African executive producer (from Nollywood - Nigeria's answer to Hollywood) named Dirk Heinz (played by Andrew Tiernan) promises a huge 10 million dollar production deal as long as Carlos puts up 500,000 pounds of his own money. Aye, there is the rub. Why on earth does Carlos have to put up money for a proposed 10 million budget? Good question.

Enter Nollywood producer Efi (Seye Adelekan) who is some sort of hip, energized yet completely hopeless and clueless man that basically ruins the production. When Carlos asks for a studio set, he gets a used, smelly caravan vehicle. Props and FX master brings in Halloween decorations! An actress plays a vampire in ways that even Vampira would object to. Queenie (played with an edgy wickedness by Victoria Hopkins) is the sex-starved makeup artist who seduces the cinematographer and an actress. A lead actress (Denise Moreno) is nonplussed by the shoddiness of it all. "I want horror," screams Carlos consistently and all he gets are inflatable alien dolls and an Ed Wood-type inflatable UFO from a FX expert who supposedly worked on "Avatar"! When the lead actress angrily exits, a Japanese actress who can't speak a lick of English replaces her. A 35mm motion picture camera and a dolly are requested and all Efi brings to the table is nothing but an old 8mm camera.

There are many laughs and a few groans in "Le Fear II." For one, the appearance of the title of the film on occasion runs a little dry (maybe it should be introduced twice during its opening credits, the second time it can be shown in bigger letters as it was in Robert Altman's "Brewster McCloud"). I also think a little tightening of a couple scenes would help - there a few dry spells that do not elicit much laughter such as Queenie aiming incessantly for a quickie with the cinematographer (far funnier and titillating is Queenie seducing the vampire actress). Carlo's shocked face at the progress of the movie could be sustained longer periodically. Still, I love the freewheeling Efi whose very cluelessness (including his misunderstanding of the word "gremlin) ups the ante on laughs that had me in stitches throughout - he steals the movie singlehandedly.

This review of "Le Fear II" applies to a work-in-progress - the official date of release is not till April 2015. In terms of other movie-within-the-movie movies, "Le Fear II" is nothing new technically (aside from the shadiness of the South African producer and money man) but it is consistently smart and witty (it will be funnier to those who have participated in the making of grade Z schlock). 

Rebel without a cause

BOYS DON'T CRY (1999)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

(Originally viewed in 1999)

It is no secret that America has its share of homophobia and racism abounding in all corners of every state. I am sure in Falls City, Nebraska, it is no different. The girl who passed herself off as a boy named Brandon Teena probably knew that such homophobia existed but that did not stop him (I will refer to Brandon as a male) from being true to herself. And so commences the bristling, highly effective "Boys Don't Cry," a debut film by director Kimberly Peirce based on a true story. An incredibly mesmerizing film, Peirce certainly shows a gift for handling actors and raw emotions.

The highly magnetic Hilary Swank stars as Brandon Teena, formerly Teena Brandon, who moves to Falls City despite the hesitations and warnings from her cousin. Brandon makes fast friends in Falls City with some beer-swilling, truck-driving, pot-smoking young people. Two of them (Peter Saarsgard and Brendan Sexton III) are former jail buddies with nothing on their minds except drinking and putting their hands through flames. But there is one Brandon has his eye on - the dour-looking female teen who loves karaoke, Lana (Chloe Sevigny). She drinks heavily and works in a factory, but is immediately smitten by Brandon because he is so unlike any other males she has encountered in this dead-end town. Brandon respects her, and suddenly, Lana seems to overcome her sullenness and becomes full of life - as if a diamond had sprung and sparkled her sensibilities.

Brandon has a troubled past to contend with, however, and it inevitably catches up with him. He has robbed, cheated and lied but all for a positive cause in a way, to stay true to himself. Brandon wants to do away with girlish sensibilities - he cuts his hair short and places a sock in between his legs. And he gets away with it! He asks girls out in roller-skating rinks and treats them like queens. Lana is the latest girl to be comforted by Brandon, and even if there is the danger of her finding out what his real gender is, we know she will still love him.

"Boys Don't Cry" has two magnificent performances that will touch the heart and rivet the soul. Hilary Swank is clearly amazing in that she looks like a boy and we respond to her as such - her beaming smile glows and makes Brandon that much more sympathetic a character. We know there is an inevitable tragedy he will face, and so the tension builds because Brandon means well and is harmless.

Chloe Sevigny also undergoes a miraculous transformation, from her binge drinking habits and dourness to a pleasing beauty with an angelic face waiting to be loved. Ever since her dramatic turns in "Kids" and "Trees Lounge," I have fallen in love with Chloe - her presence evokes compassion, much like the late Audrey Hepburn. It is a quality unheard of in most young actresses today, but Chloe has it down pat.

"Boys Don't Cry" is raw and painful, and is not intended for general audiences, but those who can deal with the subject matter will be rewarded with the performances of Swank and Sevigny. They embody the film with sweetness and raw, naked emotion - their relationship is as real as any love story I have seen of late. If I have any complaints about the film, it is only that I wished to see how Brandon tried to adapt from day-to-day as a boy - there is one scene where he has to buy tampons but ,otherwise, he seems to be able to deal with the situation remarkably well. Still, director Peirce knows that the heart of the film is Brandon, the rebel without a cause. His only concern is to have a sex operation and to live with Lana in Memphis. He has ambitions and dreams ("You hallucinate 24 hours a day," says one character about Brandon) but his main focus is to be free and to live. The fact that he couldn't is what makes "Boys Don't Cry" such a moving, poetic experience.

Broken Axel

BEVERLY HILLS COP III (1994)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia
(Originally viewed in 1994)

"Beverly Hills Cop" is an idea that could run dry quickly, witness the hideously awful "Lethal Weapon 4" which nearly destroyed the credibility of its own series. How many times can you see Axel Foley bluff his way out of any situation in Beverly Hills? Wouldn't the entire Los Angeles area have made him into a media hero by now with his motormouth skills, not to mention his mingling with Hugh Hefner at the Playboy Mansion in "Beverly Hills Cop II"? The third time is not the charm in this tired, listless though infrequently and mildly diverting sequel. The public wasn't buying it anymore either since they did not attend. Wise move. Of course, I did attend when I saw it in a theater back in May, 1994.

Eddie Murphy is back again as Axel Foley, the smart-aleck Detroit detective who laughs louder than anyone else in the United States. This time, his Inspector Todd (Gil Hill) is killed in the opening sequence, which involves some uninspired business with the FBI and chop shops. Foley is mad and wants to find the killers so, well, he puts on his Detroit Lions jacket and is back in business in Beverly Hills. Judge Reinhold returns as Billy Rosewood as does Bronson Pinchot in a brief cameo as Serge, now selling home-equipped artillery! Taggart (John Ashton) and the police chief Bogomil (Ronny Cox) are conspicuously missing. Oh, yes, whatever happened to Paul Reiser?

Something seemed wrong from the start. It is unusual for a "Beverly Hills Cop" movie to have Axel barely bluffing, but it is true. In fact, he is actually a pretty harmless, sensitive guy who buys a ticket into an amusement park called Wonderworld rather than bluffing his way into getting it free. The amusement park concept, as written by Steven E. de Souza, is dull at best, as are the cardboard villains. It doesn't have an ounce of suspense or surprise in it. We are left with Foley horsing around with costumed characters and donning a bunny costume for laughs! Ha! Ha! And the killers are using Wonderworld as a front for counterfeiting money! Wow! A great concept indeed!

"Beverly Hills Cop III" is directed with static energy by John Landis, a director responsible for more disasters than any other director. The comedy relief is so haphazard and dryly written that, at best, it elicits only a few chuckles (opening chop shop scene cueing Supremes' "Come See About Me" and Axel's verbal exchanges with Inspector Todd come off best). The action scenes are badly edited and constructed (look at the pitiful scene where Eddie is hanging around a Ferris wheel or one of the final shootouts towards the end where the killers shoot literally on autopilot). The movie eschews comedy for action and plenty of shootouts but little else. They could have cast Wesley Snipes instead of Murphy and nobody would notice the difference. We want to see Eddie Murphy firing off rounds of humor, not ammunition. 

Supercharged, action man Axel

BEVERLY HILLS COP II (1987)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Eddie Murphy was riding high back in 1987. He was one of the biggest stars in the world, turning in big box-office dollars with the original "Beverly Hills Cop," "The Golden Child," "48 HRS.," and "Trading Places." Murphy could do no wrong, and this rip-roaring, extremely loud sequel to "Beverly Hills Cop" was no exception. It reunited him with the two "supercops" from the original, John Ashton as the heavy-set Taggart and Judge Reinhold as the naive Billy Rosewood. Naturally, Murphy was at the center of the film, spouting jokes and obscenities galore. Something changed, though, and most critics picked up on it. Murphy was loud and irreverent as always, but there was a meaner edge and a sexist attitude that was standoffish to say the least.

"Cop II" begins with an L.A. jewelry robbery that is as loud and overdone as expected from the team of Jerry Bruckheimer and Don Simpson. Then we flash to the city of Detroit with Eddie back as Axel Foley, preening for the camera as he wears an expensive suit, drives a Ferrari, and goes deep, deep undercover trying to infiltrate a credit card scam! This raises the ire of returnee Inspector Todd (played by real-life Detroit police inspector Gilbert Hill) who is paying for Axel's expenses despite the fact that no arrests have been made. Before you know it, Axel (in a contrived scene) discovers that his good friend, Lieutenant Bogomil (Ronny Cox), has been shot by someone from the Alphabet Team who have committed a string of Alphabet robberies in L.A., including one in the opening sequence. So Axel decides to go to Beverly Hills, comfort Bogomil and his stunning blonde daughter (Alice Adair), and help solve the crimes with the reluctant Taggart and the giddy Rosewood.

When first glimpsed, "Beverly Hills Cop II" might be seen as a great movie if seen with the right audience, but it hardly qualifies on second viewing. For one, there are far too many inconsistencies, including the fact that Axel is friends with Taggart, Rosewood and Bogomil (the very same people who were ready to put him in jail in the original). Plus, Axel seems to get away with too much, including an improbable scene where he talks his way into the Playboy Mansion. Unlikely. The original was more clever by allowing scenes such as Axel using racism and a supposed Rolling Stone cover story to get inside a ritzy hotel. And how about the ridiculous scene where he talks a construction crew into leaving the house they are remodeling, thus allowing Axel to stay in a house in Beverly Hills for free, complete with a jacuzzi and a slippery swimming pool!

There is an underlying sexist edge to the film, which lead to Eddie's extremely raw, fitfully funny concert film "Raw" the very same year. Every comment made by Axel in the movie feels sexist. Consider the scene where he admires the long, shaven legs of Brigitte Nielsen during shooting practice. Or the deplorable Playboy Mansion scene. Or how he feels stiffed about paying seven dollars for a coke when he could get blown for the same amount of money. Axel's clever witticisms from the original are still there but a meanness has also taken over, as if Axel only sees women as sex objects. I only wish the writers took advantage and expanded the character's horizons to accommodate such sexual attitudes. All we learn about Foley in this movie is that he was a little thief when he was a kid, nothing more.

The sexist edge also feels tampered with, to some degree. In the original, Murphy had a good rapport with Lisa Elibacher, though they never developed a relationship beyond friendship, presumably because she is white and Foley does not see her as a sexual object. Same with this sequel where Murphy knows how to comfort Bogomil's white daughter and gets to kiss her on the cheek two or three times but no relationship develops. If this seems like a silly argument, consider "The Pelican Brief" as one of many examples in Hollywood history. In that film, Denzel Washington has a friendship with Julia Roberts but it never develops into anything else (though it did in the book).

Now for the pluses in "Beverly Hills Cop II." The movie begins with a superb title sequence where the song "Shakedown" by Bob Seger plays in the soundtrack. There are a few choice Murphy put downs and one-liners, as expected, and his gargantuan laugh is as loud and Dolby-ized as one can imagine. Also, Murphy still has good chemistry with Ashton and Reinhold, though their scenes do lack the pungent wit and camaraderie of the original. There is also an early appearance by Chris Rock as a whiny valet.

There is no doubt that the film is entertaining but it resembles more of a Rambo action piece than the comedy that one would hope for. The villains are left on the sidelines and the plot is far too confusing to care about (why would robbers plot their crimes with the use of coordinates?) The movie is loud (as are all Bruckheimer/Simpson productions), insanely high-pitched, occasionally funny, definitely sexist, profane at times, but also as evocative of the indulgences and decadence of the 1980's as any film of that period.