Breasts feel like sandbags

 THE 40 YEAR OLD-VIRGIN (2005)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Original review from 2006

I suppose it was only a matter of time before we saw a

comedy with a title like "40 Year Old Virgin." Though this

comedy has a few misses, it does score some direct hits

at the funny bone and it has a truly likable lead character.

Steve Carell is Andy, a 40-year-old virgin who works in

the stockroom of an electronics store. His weekends are

none too exciting, relegated to mostly making egg salad

sandwiches ("I just forgot the bread.") One day, some

staff workers invite Andy to a poker game where they

spend more time discussing sex than actually playing

(though Andy is a poker expert since he plays it online).

To the group's dismay, they discover that Andy has no

real sexual experience since he has no key details to

outline an experience (his giveaway line is stating that

breasts feel like sandbags). Thus, his co-workers are

now intent on getting him laid.

The helpful co-workers include David (Paul Rudd), who

is still pining for his ex-girlfriend and has issues over

singer Michael McDonald; Jay (Romany Malco) who's

sexually confident and takes pride on his appearance;

and Cal (Seth Rogen), who wears a Sonic Youth shirt

and declares that getting women drunk can lead to sex.

None of these guys prove very helpful to Andy, especially

after a frightfully painful chest-hair waxing scene. Then

there is Andy's first date, a disastrous encounter with a

drunk (Leslie Mann) who vomits in his face. Another

potential date follows with a younger woman, Beth

(Elizabeth Banks), who works at a bookstore and whom

Andy smoothly lays sexual innuendoes on with the flair of

a playboy. But the woman whom Andy feels connected

to is Trish (Catherine Keener), an Ebay store owner and

a divorced mother and grandmother! Yes, no spoiler alert

needed here, this Trish will be Andy's true love. Now if he

would only admit his virginity...

Critics have not admitted this but "40 Year Old-Virgin" is

really a romantic comedy with profanity and sexual

suggestions galore. This is the story of a man who is

looking for the ideal woman to marry and then have sex with.

Yes, we can believe he's had failed sexual dalliances

before, but he is really a Puritan model for abstinence.

I am a bit disappointed that the writers (including director

Judd Apatow and Carrell who co-scripted) didn't delve more

into his daily habits. Andy is an avid toy and action-figure

collector, watches "Survivor," rides a bicycle to work and

tries to make egg salad sandwiches, but there is precious

little insight into what makes him tick. He is a virgin and he

wants the right woman to settle down with, but why does

he keep women at arm's length? Fear of women, fear of

commitment or, wait a minute, fear of his virginity? Or

maybe he hopes the right woman will understand his sexual

status and want to settle down anyway? Either way, more

insight would've been nice.

Most of the movie contains scenes of Andy's co-workers

commingling by one-upping each other with graphic insults

or speaking about sex in graphic detail (one such

discussion involves the opening phrase: "Know how I know

you're gay..."). One memorably funny scene involves Andy's

boss (Jane Lynch) who suggests becoming sex buddies

("I'll haunt your dreams.") Still, despite occasionally

tickling the funny bone, most of these scenes seem like

filler when they don't directly involve Andy. I would have

liked more scenes of Andy at home, living his life the best

he can with the knowledge he is a virgin.

I enjoyed "40 Year Old Virgin" overall though it is far too

long (the version I saw was 133 minutes). The last

sequence, which involves a song-and-dance performance

of "Age of Aquarius," is certainly far more tolerable than

the song-and-dance routine at the end of "Hitch" (Question:

did "Shrek" begin this whole finale-has-to-end-with-needless-song

performance shtick?) Carrell and Keener have appealing

chemistry and the whole cast performs up to par. But with

a juicy concept and major star in the making like Carrell,

I expected more.

Traumatic Nightmare of a Movie

 THE TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE (1974)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

The best way to characterize Tobe Hooper's grossly terrifying "The Texas Chain Saw Massacre" is as a documentary of horror, horror at its purest. This is not a typical horror film at all - it is an overt nightmare from first scene to last and a complete exercise in terror. No moment in it feel sane, no scene or sequence feels safe or remotely comfortable, and there is no way that anyone can interpret this film as simply frightening. It is not frightening - it is bone-chilling in every sense of the word and a living nightmare far too unnerving to sit through calmly. In the 30 years since I first saw it, that would still describe the experience today to a tee.

The opening narration of the events that are based on a true story (not the case at all) is already tense, with no background music other than the voice of John Larroquette! Then we see glimpses, as if they were snapshots of decomposing bodies and close-ups of body parts. The rest of this grisly opener is in darkness as we hear someone grunting against the presumed sound of chopping of wood, and the cutting of flesh. The next shot is of a rotting corpse wired to a pole as we hear news reports of graveyards being pillaged leaving empty crypts. Ugh, that would be enough for a short film and this is just the beginning of this ultra-feverish nightmare. 

Next we get a group of young people in a van as they travel to that mentioned cemetery in the news report - Sally Hardesty (Marilyn Burns) is among the group who wants to know if her grandfather's body is one of the missing corpses. Sally brings her wheelchair-bound brother, Franklin (a bug-eyed Paul A. Partain) who wants to visit the old homestead and has a knife that he can't let go of. Aside from the astrology expert Pam (Teri McMinn), the other two (Allen Danzinger as the bespectacled driver and William Vail as Kirk, Pam's boyfriend) are not quite as memorable though they do their best to catch our sympathies. A normal-looking house is seen in the distance where Pam and Kirk hope to find a nearby pool area to swim in. Let's say the inside of this house is not just a house of horrors - it is a sickeningly depraved-looking house of horrors where skulls, bones, meat hooks and a chicken is seen alive in its cage. Double ugh.

The acting is not top-notch in "Texas Chain Saw Massacre" and it is not meant to be. All the young local Texan actors do well enough in their roles as unintended victims of a cannibalistic family. Even the dreaded and sickly disgusting hitchhiker (Edwin Neal) is not just a monstrosity - he doesn't care about himself as he slices his hand in front of the horrified group. He belongs to the Ed Gein family of sick people that includes an almost meek-looking gas station owner (Jim Siedow) who informs the group that he has no gas - his attempts to smile during the dinner sequence while Marilyn Burns' Sally screams at the top of her lungs will make you shiver with fright (extreme close-ups of Burns' eyeballs are enough to make you lose your appetite). Of course one can't forget Gunnar Hansen as Leatherface, a vicious killer armed with a sledgehammer and a chainsaw who also has the mentality of a child wearing makeup on his leather mask during that dinner sequence, presumably to fulfill a matronly role that is otherwise absent. 

"Texas Chain Saw Massacre" was shot in grainy 16mm yet it looks positively marvelous compared to other low-budget horror flicks at the time. The grain never looks too grainy yet just enough to pass for unfettered realism. Director Hooper and cinematographer Daniel Pearl uphold the mystery of what is not seen versus what is, which is almost nothing. Other than one bloody shot towards the end (and the aforementioned hand slicing), there is no visible gore and the film is far more unsettling without it. When one of the female victims is impaled on a meat hook, we do not see the actual impalement. Same with Leatherface's chainsaw tearing two victims apart - even the blood splatter is minimal. Hooper did this with hopes of attaining a PG rating at the time (um, yeah) and almost got the X rating. 

After the ordeal is over and Burns' bloodied Sally is safe in a truck passing by as Leatherface tries to catch her, she screams and laughs in unison and it becomes unbearable. She's safe yet Leatherface does his dance with the chainsaw and the film famously ends abruptly. No one feels safe, including us the audience, and there is no sense of relief. The chaos ends...and it lingers. In the annals of late 20th century superior cinematic horror that includes "Psycho," "Night of the Living Dead," "Halloween" and "Rosemary's Baby," the unrelenting "Texas Chain Saw Massacre" is a worthy addition. A real traumatic nightmare of a movie. 

Head and Shoulders shampoo is an effective weapon

 EVOLUTION

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Originally viewed on July 3rd, 2001

The beauty of comedy is that there are no rules and, quite simply, rules are

made to be broken in the comedic arena. Director Ivan Reitman is often aware

of this, as evidenced by his crude though subtly funny "Junior" and, his biggest

hit, "Ghostbusters." Both films redefined the boundaries of good

taste by imbuing crudeness with cleverness rather than cheap, desperate gags

a'la "Austin Powers" that only serve to make the audience puke. Consider

Arnold Schwarzenegger as a pregnant man in "Junior," a premise that is otherwise

ripe for gross-out humor. Instead that film built its premise with wit and

engaging repartee between Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito.

"Evolution" does the same thing, imbuing crudeness with cleverness. The premise

deals with a community college science teacher (and former scientist), Ira Kane

(David Duchovny), who partners with a sharp, jocose scientist, Harry Block 

(Orlando Jones), to investigate a flaming meteor that has burned a hole through 

the ground into an underground cavern. Kane's class goes on a field trip to discover

and study this meteor only to find some strange atmosphere has developed at an

accelerated rate, not to mention some expanding and evolving wormlike creatures. 

Kane and Block realize this is no ordinary meteor - it is a fertile ground for alien 

creatures. At first, the creatures seem harmless in the form of butterflies until they 

later evolve into flying dinosaurs, raging blue monkeys and some shapeless 

matter in the form of large intestines.

The only way to approach "Evolution" is by checking your brain at the entrance

door of the cinema before the first reel is projected. It is a one-note joke

movie to be sure but it has moments of eye-opening special-effects, shrewd 

one-liners and moments where you will literally jump out of your seat. It mostly pokes

fun at "Independence Day" right down to the climax involving those humongous

 intestines where a central digestive tract is the target for destruction - the 

expansive mass even looks like a spaceship. Mostly, the screenplay by David 

Diamond, David Weissman and Don Jakoby focuses on bodily functions and 

sexual entendres, as well as creepy monsters hiding inside harmless looking 

alien slugs and such. Many of the sexual entendres center around Julianne 

Moore as an assistant to a soldier-scientist (Ted Levine) - she is regarded 

at one point as an "icy goddess in desperate need of some humping." 

Speaking of the ravishing Moore, it is nice to see her as a clumsy woman

 who keeps tripping over objects every once in a while.

"Evolution" is cutesy nonsense and often quite funny and engaging. It is

actually a breath of fresh air as compared to the gross-out humor so reminiscent

of most comedies nowadays - wit and some dry humor are this

film's virtues. As for performances, Duchovny and Jones make a delightful pair

and Moore is lots of fun to watch - nice to see her handle comedy for a

change in contrast to her dramatic roles. Only Ted Levine seems a little out

of his element as the straight-faced soldier scientist, Dr. Woodman, who

doesn't want Kane anywhere near these aliens.

"Evolution" is not as frantically funny or as visually inventive as Reitman's

"Ghostbusters," but it will suffice in what has been a dry couple of years

of laughless comedies.

Kermit never ate a human

 FROGS (1972)

A Lack of Appreciation by Jerry Saravia

All Frogs Great and Small. Frog statues surround a mansion. The mansion's owner is played by Ray Milland who is in a wheelchair, barking orders at the help, and he wants to get rid of All Frogs Great and Small. Sam Elliott is a nature photographer who takes pictures briefly, is almost killed when his boat nearly collides with another and is fleetingly barechested in one scene. Elliott later visits the mansion...because it is a July 4th celebration? Oh, no, he wants to warn against the pesticides and has incredible intuition about how the wildlife will fight back? Joan van Ark has seemingly drifted in from Knots Landing, and she meets and is seemingly smitten with Sam (sans mustache, stubble and gravely voice) and says she almost went to his room at the mansion and decided against it. Why? There are ribbit sounds every few minutes. So begins "Frogs"!

This is the kind of movie where people who live at the mansion go on nature walks looking for each other, unaware that rattlesnakes and crocodiles pollute the woodsy areas. If they know this, how do they not protect themselves? Oh, yes, there are dozens of frogs everywhere and a few have a thing for July 4th cake! Yum, yet not one frog eats a human (despite the false advertising) and the snakes bite and sometimes end up in the chandelier at the mansion ruining everyone's dinner plans. Lizards can sometimes drop a gaseous poison bottle inside a greenhouse and asphyxiate a victim. This movie is allegedly a nature striking back at man B-movie only Hitchcock's "The Birds" did it better and with more sense and less pesticides. The last shot is the best, right past the end credits, as an animated frog eats a human hand. I think I will stick to Kermit the frog who never ate a human. 

Julia Roberts is my favorite sweetheart

AMERICA'S SWEETHEARTS (2001)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Originally viewed on August 8th, 2001

I consider it sinful to cast Julia Roberts in a movie nowadays. She is such a
watchable presence and has such a stunning smile that it is easy to see why
she's a movie star. Star first, actor second. The truth is that she has always
impressed me as an actress first, movie star second. Even in mediocre films like
"Sleeping With the Enemy" or "Dying Young," she has proven her worth and her
talent is undeniable, particularly her finest Oscar-nominated role in "Erin
Brockovich." Amazingly, she is given a tertiary role in producer Joe Roth's
directorial debut, "America's Sweethearts." Wise move since it gives us the
chance to see Roberts participate in an ensemble for once rather than center
stage.

"America's Sweethearts" are Gwen Harrison (Catherine Zeta-Jones) and Eddie
Thomas (John Cusack), a formerly married movie star couple who have not spoken
to each other in a year. Gwen has moved on and carried on an affair with a
Spanish hunk (a hilarious Hank Azaria). Eddie has taken leave of absence at a
clinic with the help of a long silvery-haired guru (Alan Arkin) to try and
recuperate. Gwen has gone solo at the movies sans Eddie and has remained a
box-office flop ever since. Now rumors abound that a new film called "Time After
Time" (the last time the pair had appeared together onscreen) has finally been
completed by a revered, Oscar-nominated director Hal Weidmann (Christopher
Walken). The trick is that Weidmann refuses to show the film until the day of
the press junket. This drives irate studio chief, Dave Kingman (Stanley Tucci),
insane. He decides to enlist the help of sly press agent, Lee Philips (Billy
Crystal), to concoct a supposed reconciliation between Gwen and
Eddie so that their new film can become a hit. Lee seeks the help of Gwen's 

personal assistant and sister, Kiki (Julia Roberts), to make this work. But 

will Gwen and Eddie be able to stand each other? And is Kiki interested in

 Eddie since he once kissed her when he was drunk?

"America's Sweethearts" is an old-fashioned Hollywood romance masquerading as a
smart satire on Hollywood, as well as mixing a dash of the screwball comedy
genre. It is not an even mix considering that the screwball portion is left on
the sidelines (except for one slightly tired bit about a dog) and hardly coaxes
much out of a romantic triangle that feels a tinge forced, lacking the punch
that leads to an expected payoff. The satire on Hollywood is by now a cliche
but it leads to the zingiest scenes in the film (the screenplay was co-written
by Billy Crystal). In other words, the film is often a mess but an enjoyable
mess nonetheless.

I was surprised by how good the performances were and how well-timed in terms of
comic pacing. Catherine Zeta-Jones ends up stealing the movie from everyone and
deservedly so. She plays the bitchiest diva on screen in quite some time, and
about as needy and cumbersome as one can expect. She has no conscience and
demands too much from her overworked sister, Kiki. Zeta-Jones' scenes with
Roberts lacks some insight but they are still believable as siblings.
John Cusack may have the toughest role as Eddie since we know he is still in
love with Gwen after their break-up - he also develops feelings rather quickly
for Kiki. Only we wonder what was so wonderful about a bitchy goddess like Gwen?
What exactly did Eddie see in her? Cusack has played a sad sack before but here,
he does it with more restraint than usual. His dinner scene with Roberts is
breathlessly good, exuding more romantic charisma than in most teen romance
comedies.

I am a big, supportive fan of Julia Roberts and always look forward to seeing
her onscreen. In this film, Roberts, like Cusack, is a bit more laid-back than
usual and it serves the purpose of the character Kiki. She is at her winsome
best and has a terrific scene where she erupts with rage at Cusack and
Zeta-Jones by dumping scrambled eggs on them! Also, it is a rarity to see
Roberts in a flashback appearing forty pounds heavier!

There is also a great supporting cast at hand, including Crystal who is simply
marvelous as always as the anything-goes press agent who is willing to create
drama in the actors' lives to promote a film. Seth Green is astoundingly funny
as Crystal's naive trainee who has no concept of film history. Also worth
mentioning is the amazing Christopher Walken, playing an eccentric director who
claims to have made the most honest film of his career ("Even Kubrick was
misunderstood.").

"America's Sweethearts" is largely and consistently funny enough to get a
passing grade. A riotous last half-hour gives it the necessary lift it so
desperately needs. The whole cast is sweetly engaging but Roberts is still my
favorite sweetheart.

Frolicsome dinner party you don't want to end

 WAKING NED DEVINE (1998)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Irish villages in the movies are becoming as common as actors sporting Irish
accents, such as Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt. "Waking Ned Devine" is a harmless,
pleasant black comedy that aims at the funny bone in delicate, sophisticated
ways and, oh, the actors really seem Irish, too.

The movie begins with Jackie O'Shea (Ian Bannen) clutching a lottery ticket
and claiming that he's won millions. Truth is he just wanted to tease his wife
into bringing him dessert while watching TV. Later, it turns out that in the
cozy, rainy village of Tully More, Ireland (actually the Isle of Man, which is
not quite Ireland), somebody has won the lottery. Jackie, along with his best
friend, Michael O'Sullivan (David Kelly), aims to locate the lucky winner. In a
place with a population of 51, it can't be too difficult. But who could it be?
Is it the smelly pig farmer or the single mother he pines for? The witch-like
eccentric woman? The lucky winner is actually a Ned Devine, who died while
holding the winning ticket. Jackie decides that the ticket is his, and basks in
the glory that the money will bring him.

"Waking Ned Devine" doesn't quite end there since there are many surprises and
delights that unfold along its merry way. There is also a wicked sense of humor
throughout, particularly involving naked motorists, prying a dead man's mouth
open, a funeral for a living person, and some hysterical business involving a
telephone booth.

The supporting characters could have used more depth (the pig farmer is a good
example), but the film is a breezy triumph of comic spirit and laughter. Ian
Bannen and David Kelley have the kindest faces I've seen at the movies in quite
some time - they linger long after the movie is over. When these two appear on
screen, "Waking Ned Devine" becomes a frolicsome dinner party that you don't
want to end.

Brief Encounter crossed with Lawrence of Arabia

 THE ENGLISH PATIENT (1996)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Audiences are in favor of love stories told in the traditional Hollywood
manner: sweeping locales, breathtaking scenery, crisp dialogue, and, more
importantly, romantic chemistry between two gorgeous Hollywood stars. We have
been privy to sweeping love stories such as "Sense and Sensibility," which was
much admired by Hollywood and the Academy Awards, as was "Titanic." In 1996, it
was "The English Patient," a flawed yet superbly acted romantic tragedy told
mostly in flashbacks, and set prior to World War II. It's "Brief Encounter"
crossed with "Lawrence of Arabia" (funny that they were both directed by David
Lean). It has romance to spare but, in terms of tragic love, it doesn't have
much weight.

"The English Patient" is the Hungarian Count Almasy (Ralph Fiennes), who is on
an expedition with a group of cartographers in the blazingly hot desert of
North Africa. It is there that he meets and falls in love with Katherine
Clifton (Kristin Scott Thomas), the noble, beautiful wife of one of the
cartographers. When Katherine's husband leaves for another expedition, the two
embark on a passionate love affair, instigated by their bonding in a sandstorm.

Count Almasy is the narrator of the film, telling his story in a deathbed after
being horribly burned in a plane crash. He's cared for by his nurse, Hana
(Juliette Binoche), who decides to stay in a nearly decrepit castle with this
"english patient." The present storyline is set during the last days of World
War II, but the Count remains haunted by Katharine's death and by the intrusion
of a wandering thief, Caravaggio (Willem Dafoe) - he recognizes the Count and
suffers a physical handicap as well.

"The English Patient" is a beautifully mounted film told in the typical
Hollywood style - the opening shot of the contours of the desert layered
against a plane flying overhead is an extraordinary moment to behold. The movie
has all the right ingredients of an old-fashioned Hollywood romance yet it
somehow manages to trivialize the crucial romance...between Almasy and
Katherine. Their relationship leaves you out in the cold because
writer-director Anthony Minghella ("Truly, Madly, Deeply") truncates too many
scenes between them. The strong passionate romance is only suggested and,
therefore, it misses at becoming an affair we can become involved in and its
eventual tragic repercussions. That leaves room for the other supporting
characters such as the always grinning Hana, who is completely devoted to
Almasy, and falls in love with an Indian soldier, Kip (Naveen Andrews). There's
also the thief and morphine addict, Caravaggio, who has a personal vendetta
against our scarred hero. This is a character who becomes secondary and trivial
when comparing to the overwhelming love stories the movie wants to tell.
Caravaggio keeps intruding the narrative.

The relationship between Hana and Kip is sweet and invigorating, and it
climaxes with Ella Fitzgerald singing "Cheek to Cheek" on the soundtrack.
There's also a moment that is quite intoxicating - it is when Hana observes a
bare-chested Kip washing his long, flowing black hair. She is aroused by it,
and it is a moment that is as breathtaking as you can imagine - a moment to
stop time. There are several scenes like that especially when Hana and Kip
elevate themselves with a harness to look at an enormous painting using flares
in the darkness. These are precisely the moments missing in the
Almasy-Katherine affair.

The love affair between Almasy and Katharine is handled with just as much
discretion but it feels wrongfully neglected. The chemistry between Ralph
Fiennes and Kristin Scott Thomas crackles with excitement yet the affair is not
equally handled as scorchingly - Ralph Fiennes's performance is fine but he
projects a cold, detached mood that deemphasizes the love story. As Almasy
reminisces in his final days about her, it becomes just that - a reminiscence
lacking in substance. We see how much they love each other but we never really
see how they become in love with another. It is really only the love affair
between Hana and Kip that makes us feel the passion and commitment between two
lovers. The late, great director David Lean, who made some of the most
enlightening romances of the last thirty years, showed you the passion and the
tragic loss of love in its entirety.

"The English Patient" is an exquisite film and it is beautifully acted by all
the principal actors. It certainly makes you see the tragic consequences of
their love affair, but it doesn't invite you to share them.