Greatest Vampire Film ever made

 NOSFERATU: PHANTOM DER NACHT (1979)

An Appreciation by Jerry Saravia

There are an untold number of Dracula movies and Frankenstein movies - the pair of which probably surpass the number of Hollywood westerns in existence. By my count, there have been three Nosferatu films, one which is in-name only yet all three sort of deal with the famous Count Dracula. Yet it is Werner Herzog's 1979 remake of "Nosferatu" that is easily the greatest vampire film I have ever seen. Atmospheric to its core with a muted palette of grainy colors and muted performances and only the slightest amount of blood on screen, "Nosferatu" is the vampire film where we have more compassion for the famous Count than ever before.

The story based on Bram Stoker is nothing new and it is fairly straightforward in terms of the standard events in its prose, despite changes in mood, text and themes (a necessity when you consider Bram's wife sued the makers of the original "Nosferatu" for copyright infringement). Jonathan Harker (Bruno Ganz) is commissioned to sell a housing property in Wismar, Germany to Count Dracula and travels to Transylvania; a very arduous journey. The frightened Transylvanian townspeople tell him to stay away from that castle. Harker eventually meets the fragile Count and is eventually held prisoner, bitten by the vampire and away we go with the usual shenanigans. The difference here is in the execution of such oft-told material, imagined with realistically conveyed surroundings and a near-documentary look of people (the gypsies seem more real than ever before) and some expressionistic use of shadows (though not nearly as sharp as they were in the 1922 film). This time, though, director Werner Herzog aims for a deeper reality and a deeper hopelessness when it comes to Count Dracula. Klaus Kinski (absolutely magnificent as the Count) shows some layers of humanity in this Dracula with his long nails, bald head, two protruding fangs, and cold, dead white skin. When the Drac sees blood on Harker's finger after clumsily cutting bread, black space surrounds Dracula in close-up whereas in a master shot, there is no black space at all (it is almost as if Herzog is aiming for horror when Dracula is expected to snarl and act like a panther-like creature at the sight of blood). The Count does not act like a creature of the night who relishes the act of sucking blood; instead he's a wounded animal who has been doing this for one century too many. He retreats from sucking Harker's finger yet then proceeds with some nuance of regret. "It is the oldest remedy in the book," says the Count. 

Later on, Dracula fancies Harker's wife, Lucy (the luscious Isabelle Adjani), as is often the case with most versions, but there is something more than a lovely neck to bite. The Count wants to feel love again, which he can't, and to be loved, which he also can't, and this initial confrontation between Dracula and the remorseful Lucy doesn't result in any bearing of fangs - she is initially frightened but she also feels pity for the Count. So when we get to the closing scenes where Lucy holds Dracula in an embrace as he bites her neck all night, you sense Lucy is not just sacrificing herself but also feeling a twinge of attraction to this creature (who also tries to pull her nightgown up to her bosom though she stops him). Considering Lucy loves Harker and they walk on the beach in an earlier, stunning sequence of forlorn beauty, they still sleep in separate beds (you have to wonder if these two ever got intimate at all beyond embraces and sweet kisses).

"Nosferatu" obviously differs from the original black-and-white classic in its slightly monochromatic look - substituting something far more graphic in terms of its grayish scale of soiled, decaying matter. All the actors look, excepting the gypsies, like emaciated automatons who know death is lurking (Lucy with her pale, translucent skin looks like a vampire before she's ever bitten). There is no passion or excitement to the denizens of Wismar. One sad, almost despairing sequence shows the townspeople merrily singing and dancing and dining in the outside town square, celebrating what little life they have left to live after the Black Plague has spread thanks to hundreds of rats brought by the Count. Everything in the film is washed-out, colorless, including the Harker journey to Dracula's castle complemented with music cues from Wagner's towering opera "Das Rhinegold." 

 "Nosferatu" complements and enhances the F.W. Murnau "Nosferatu" and that is an unusual comparison when it comes to remakes. Whereas Max Schreck's Dracula (or Count Orlok depending on which silent film version you see) was a rat-like creature devoid of humanity, Klaus Kinski's is all humanity - a Count who is tired from the repetition of barely living century after century. The curse exhausts him and it is a cruel existence. Dracula recognizes he is still human after all despite being a creature of the undead. Undeniably cruel.

Damn fine movie, if I say so my damn self

 CONFESS, FLETCH (2022)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

When the news was announced that Jon Hamm was playing I.M. Fletcher, a character practically immortalized by Chevy Chase, I was not convinced. Hamm is a solid actor of the "Mad Men" variety and he can be very funny making fun of himself. However, as the intrepid investigative reporter of an L.A. newspaper who often uses various aliases in the hopes of finding the clues to a mystery, Hamm would not be my first choice. There has to be a sense that Fletch is in on the joke himself, that he is purposely a smart-aleck reporter, and a damn fine one if I say so my damn self. Of course, that was the direction aimed in the Chevy Chase incarnations, and that is not quite the depiction from the books. It turns out that laid-back Hamm is perfect for the role. It is also a damn fine movie if I say so my damn self. 

Based on the second book in the "Fletch" series written by Gregory Mcdonald, "Confess, Fletch" finds Irwin (don't call him that) knee deep in trouble from the start when he finds a dead woman in the living room of the Boston townhouse he's staying in. The townhouse belongs to Fletch's Italian fiancee, Angela (Lorenza Izzo), yet Fletch (who mistakenly has his fingerprints on a wine bottle that serves as the murder weapon), is now the prime suspect in the murder. The Boston Police detective Monroe (Roy Wood Jr.) and rookie Griz (Ayden Mayeri) - both a hilarious pair - definitely suspect Fletch after the discovery of surveillance footage showing our retired reporter wearing a blue cap (though from the high camera angle, it is hard to tell if it is a L.A. Lakers hat). The culprit of said murder may tie in to Angela's unexpectedly kidnapped father and a ransom involving a priceless Picasso painting. Then we are introduced to a small gallery of eccentrics like Angela's mother, the Countess (the sublime Marcia Gay Harden); Fletch's clumsy next-door, pot-smoking neighbor (Annie Mumolo), and an art dealer named Horan (further sublimity provided by Kyle MacLachlan) who does some sort of workout to loud, techno music.

There is much more to the plot but the movie thrives successfully on contriving numerous situations with snappy payoffs. Written with quick wit and graceful, sharp notes of absurdity by director Greg Mottola and Zev Borow, "Confess, Fletch" maintains a breezy, informal comic tone throughout. It is not laugh-out loud funny like Chevy Chase's first "Fletch" film but rather it finds its own restrained humor through some histrionic performances and the murder mystery itself which keeps one guessing till the final reveal. Jon Hamm helps enormously with his daftness and poise as Fletch and he turns out to be smarter than anyone thought, though everyone thinks he's an idiot. Lorenza Izzo gets her manic act dialed up to soprana levels but it still works, and you keep hoping she's not a criminal (she loves Fletch after all). Marcia Gay Harden is bewitching and often captivating as the Countess - I love how she tests Fletch's fidelity.  

Despite a couple of supporting characters that stuck in my craw, "Confess, Fletch" is a welcome return to good comic mystery writing and a great introduction to Gregory McDonald's novels. It is not on the same comic trajectory as Chevy Chase's 1985 flick but it flies by with comic precision and tight pacing. A damn fine movie, indeed.

Something Witchy at Ballet School

 SUSPIRIA (1977)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Perhaps for some Dario Argento fans, it will be enough to see Jessica Harper running around dance studio halls beaming with blue and red colors that bounce off the walls. It may also be enough to suggest a witches' coven resides somewhere in this ballet school. Other than the elaborate production design and an obtrusive, loud though sometimes compelling music score, "Suspiria" seems to portend something evil throughout yet it only really picks up steam in the last ten minutes.

Harper is Suzy, a new student at a German ballet school filled with less than savory characters running it. Joan Bennett, in her last role, is presumably the head of the school and there are odd ducks like the stern ballet teacher; the tall assistant server with false teeth due to gingivitis; a cook who must know something about the school as she holds a glinting knife in one scene; a blind pianist with a seeing-eye dog who is fired, and several female ballet dancers who prance across the screen though we never get to know them. We get an early scene of a student stabbed to death and then hung from the ceiling after seeing a black cat's eyes outside her room window. Another student fearing for her life (Stefania Casini), while warning Suzy that something weird is happening at the academy, is later seen falling into a bed of razor wire! Meanwhile, Suzy gets weak and barely dances in this movie, and she keeps falling asleep after drinking wine and sporadically eating her dinner meals. She also confronts a bat and beats it to death. Oh, I can't omit a man whose throat is ripped apart by a dog. I am sorry but these older women at the colony are allegedly witches? They summon a creature that just stabs people with a knife? They summon a dog to eat its owner? Yet the witches supposedly want wealth and power and to achieve it, they kill people. I guess I can sort of see it.

"Suspiria" maintains some level of interest because you wonder what sort of "Omen"-like murder will occur next. You also wonder how many more incoming and random bursts of bright red, green and blue colors you will see in every frame. Only Jessica Harper is wasted in a role that doesn't ask for much except to react to goings-on in the most cursory manner imaginable. The music score by Goblin (an Italian progressive rock band) is heightened throughout the film, right from the opening scene, when in fact underscoring without overstating would've benefitted the film's power. "Suspiria" has a thrilling conclusion, looks and feels urgent in its tense depiction of murderous horrors, but there is not much else here to recall from a narrative standpoint. Once it ends, you'll wonder why the apathetic Suzy didn't just walk out of that school sooner.     

Creature Summoned by Bad Imagination

 CELLAR DWELLER (1988)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Empire Pictures made several low-budget flicks and this 1988 monstrosity known as "Cellar Dweller" might qualify as their worst. Perhaps the ambitious ideas needed more tinkering and maybe creature/make-up effects creator John Carl Buechler, who also directed this, could have shaped scenes more smoothly with the help of a good editor. Either way,  this "Cellar Dweller" is a laugh riot for 2/3 of its running time, and 1/3 a bore to sit through. 

A comic-book artist, Whitney Taylor (Debrah Farentino), is admitted as a new student at an arts colony which is essentially just a log cabin in the middle of the woods with no TV or phone. There are three other residents of this colony, and one of them is older and has a fascination with author Raymond Chandler and detective mysteries (played by a vastly underused Vince Edwards). The other two are the least interesting of the bunch, including a faux performance artist whose balloons, dolls and knives bit would not pass muster inside any arts club. Yvonne De Carlo is on hand as the teacher, though she never has a scene where she teaches, and admonishes Whitney's comic-book art as phony. It turns out that Whitney's drawings summon a demonic beast. So we get quite a few recurring scenes of the monster who decapitates and eats people and has a bloody pentagram on its chest. There is also a required nude scene in a shower, the performance artist herself, who can't find her towel because the beast took it? 

The most enjoyable bit has Jeffrey Combs ("Reanimator") as a 1950's cartoonist who first summoned the creature thanks to a Book of the Ancient Dead. "Cellar Dweller" is junk food moviemaking where a creative idea is not exploited to its fullest and the characters exist in a void. It is sort of enjoyable in a good-bad movie way ("Child's Play's" Don Mancini wrote it and probably should have directed it) but you will forget it as soon as it's over. The creature claims he exists as long as there is imagination - thankfully no imagination allowed a sequel. 

Reject these Hades rejects

 3 FROM HELL (2019)
Reviewed and Bloodily Dissected by Jerry Saravia

"3 From Hell" reminded me of my high school science class when I had to once dissect a frog. It was an ugly dissection and not much fun. Rob Zombie's extremely violent sequel seems to be meaner than the others but not leaner and not much fun. Sure, "The Devil's Rejects" (the best of this trilogy) was a raw, blood-soaked western slasher flick but it was, dare I say, far more spirited in a gruesome, albeit thrillingly bestial kind of way. "3 From Hell" had a lot of potential but it never delivers and it is Rob Zombie aiming for nothing more than excessive violence and complete nihilism. That could be said about the other two films in this grimy series but they had more of an ounce of thought to them than this.

The Firefly family, including the vicious Baby (Sheri Moon Zombie) and equally vicious Otis (Bill Moseley), had been captured by the police and nearly gunned down at the end of "Rejects" (in fact, they should have been dead). Apparently twenty bullet holes in Otis's body is not enough to cripple him or damage any organs. Same with Baby though she barely has any bullet wounds, just a lot of tattoos (are they covering up the wounds?) Clownish Captain Spaulding returns far too fleetingly due to Sig Haig's unfortunate sickness and untimely death. The prison's square warden (Jeff Daniel Phillips) has a dilemma since psychotic Otis has escaped with the help of his half-brother, Winslow Foxworth "Foxy" Coltrane (a snarling Richard Brake), during a shootout which leaves Rondo (a Danny Trejo cameo) dead - a loose end in the narrative since Otis knows Rondo and wishes him death and that is all we get, folks. There's a further dilemma involving the warden's wife and her friend held captive in their home by Otis and Foxy in scenes of such savage brutality that I almost gave up on this movie. The brutality doesn't end there since we have an earlier scene of Baby killing two female prisoners (who were about to kill Baby) by stabbing them relentlessly and removing their intestines. Yuck. Back to the home invasion, a friend of the warden's wife has her clothes forcibly removed and runs from the house only to be stabbed to death by Baby (who of course escaped in an earlier scene with the help of the warden) in a scene far uglier and nastier than Isabella Rossellini's infamous nude scene in "Blue Velvet." There's also a scene where Otis skins a woman's face off, an act mercifully committed offscreen until we get a gory close-up of her face. 

The Firefly siblings and Foxy take off to Mexico where they suspect nobody will discover they are wanted (why does everyone think Mexico is such a safe hideout?) It doesn't take long for anyone to figure out who these murderous lunatics are and you know what you are in for when Rondo's son is alerted to their presence. Just when the movie pauses for some quiet moments, the brutality re-appears and it is as unrepentant as before. I will say Sheri Moon Zombie plays a complete psychopath that reminded me of one of the Charles Manson girls - she gives a freaky, remorseless, eerie performance. Bill Moseley also reminded me of Manson himself though he is not given much to do other than shoot to kill and other grisly murder tactics. I sure hope Zombie ends his Manson Family fascination soon. 

I had hoped for something more from Zombie's possibly last sequel in this series, some more scenes between Otis and Baby would've been sweet (Otis suspects that Baby has changed after 10 years in prison but nothing comes of it). The movie serves up the slaughter and no one is safe and nobody can be trusted. There is no one to root for and, when a character dies, it is hard to care. "3 From Hell" has its blackly comic moments (the discussion about starting a porno studio elicits a few smiles) and there is an unrecognizable Dee Wallace as a prison guard that gave me a smidgeon of sympathy for someone. But the movie is pure nihilism with spraying CGI blood at every corner and in every orifice. I rather dissect a frog again than repeat this experience.

Delightful, empty escapism

 OCEAN'S THIRTEEN (2007)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

So I saw "Ocean's Eleven" once more a while ago, a film I initially
disliked but it has grown on me somewhat. If anyone were to ask me
whether I prefer the Rat Pack 1960 version or the modern one, I would
go with the Rat Pack. I have not seen "Ocean's Twelve" but I am
curious because "Ocean's Thirteen" is a delightful if empty form of
escapism that has no other angle other than to entertain. With a game
cast, I let them roll the dice and, surprisingly, they score.

Steven Soderbergh's newest sequel centers on good old slickster
himself, Ruben Tishkoff (Elliott Gould), who thinks he is buying a
brand new casino with all the expected fireworks until his greedy
partner, Willie Banks (Al Pacino), buys him out and Ruben ends up in
the emergency room from heartache (Willie also names the casino after
himself). All you need to shake things up is the reliable Danny Ocean
(George Clooney) and his merry band of hucksters, slicksters, con-
artists and thieves who have more sleight-of-hand than the old Santa
Fe zine I used to write for, Legerdemain. The idea is to undermine
Willie's whole operation, steal some precious diamonds, and cut his
profits on opening day. Unfortunately, the Ocean's group runs out of
money to stage such an operation and they have to resort to dealing
with a former nemesis, cooly played with ease and laid-back charm by
Andy Garcia.

So we get scenes where Matt Damon wears an oversized nose; the late
Bernie Mac displaying his latest card game; a Mexican factory where
the Vegas chips are made; Brad Pitt pretending to be a scientist who
fears an earthquake is on the way; Al Pacino hooting and hollering;
George Clooney getting teary-eyed at an Oprah episode; a boring
machine that has to simulate an earthquake, and much more. It is all
fun and games, with whiplash editing and flashy direction by Steven
Soderbergh. The actors all show up and give it a relaxed tone that
makes it all the more fun.

None of this preposterous nonsense makes a lick of sense but it is
spirited and has quicker, sharper dialogue than the original 2001
film. The movie is basically a caper film in-name only, since its pure
existence is to entertain the audience and provide George Clooney,
Brad Pitt, Al Pacino and Matt Damon as true attractive movie stars
with flashy suits and cool demeanors. The movie looks, feels and acts
like a cool summer breeze that is unique in its own way. It's glitzy
Hollywood entertainment - the kind you don't see anymore - so go and
enjoy that breeze.

Blooming, delightful romance with barebones plot

 THE MUNSTERS (2022)
Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

The Munsters family from Mockingbird Lane should not be in color or contain color schemes borrowed from "Batman Forever." It should be resplendent black-and-white as evidenced by the last scene of this upbeat, silly, cartoonish if occasionally lackluster effort by Rob Zombie. The last scene is a basic repeat of the opening title sequence from the 1960's TV series and it has zest and pointed humor in the body language of its monstrous characters and high energy, enlivened of course by the music score. Zombie's "Munsters" is sort of fun in a Nickelodeon-show-kind-of-way but the surefire elements are sporadic. What works wonders in this modern update is the wacky relationship between the Munsters.

"The Munsters" film is a prequel to the classic 1960's TV series and it dictates how good-natured vampire Lily Munster (Sheri Moon Zombie) met the dim-witted Herman Munster (Jeff Daniel Phillips), a Monster made out of human parts just like Frankenstein's Monster. Lily never quite finds her man - one of her first dates is with Count Orlok (a delectable touch that is one of the funniest scenes in the movie) - but she responds with such divine longing when she sets her eyes on Herman on a Transylvania talk show that her heart pops out of her chest. Herman is brought to life by a mad scientist and his witless assistant Floop and, before you know it, Herman is a standup comedian telling jokes that went out of style pre-George Burns. He does his obligatory ha-ha routine after telling a joke yet no one is laughing, including myself. The rest of the film focuses on Herman and Lily dating, marrying, going on a honeymoon to Paris while Grandpa Munster (Daniel Roebuck) does his double-takes and eyerolls and sees Herman as a complete idiot. 

There is a wisp of a plot involving the Munsters losing their home (thanks to Herman) and then deciding to head to California to buy a house at Mockingbird Lane. That thread of a plot is about as much story as we are given - it is about as thin as Grandpa Munster's coffin lid. Perhaps if the film involved varied comical, farcical situations, it might have been good, clean fun for the whole family. The situations that formed the TV series are not present here since the movie aims for the romance between Herman and Lily. Aside from Roebuck's vampiric Grandpa and Lester the werewolf (Thomas Boykin), a very spirited con man who's Lily's brother, no one else in this movie is aiming high for inspiration.

Still, I must give credit to Zombie for making me care about Herman and Lily and Grandpa. I did enjoy the first hour of this movie and there is something rather touching and affectionate about this unusual romance (Herman and Lily sing "I Got You Babe" dressed just like Sonny and Cher). Sheri Moon Zombie might overdo her hand gestures (which were fairly minimal in the show with Yvonne De Carlo, a far more sophisticated interpretation) and Jeff Daniel Phillips might be overdoing Herman's likable doofus personality but he never quite embodies Herman the way Fred Gwynne did back in the day - he is more of a sweet-tempered fool than Gwynne's authoritarian presence and deep bass of a voice that evoked an ironic Frankenstein Monster who spouted life lessons like Fred MacMurray did in "My Three Sons." Of course, I should mention Gwynne's Herman wasn't all that bright either. Yet when Sheri and Jeff are on screen together, there is some magnetism there and I love how Lily tries to give everyone a chance - she wants to express love and she loves Herman unconditionally. It is a delightful performance and nobody can say that they have ever seen Sheri Moon depicted this way before.

I recently watched an old "Munsters" TV episode where Herman is hoodwinked into buying a used car that is actually in bad shape. That episode had vitality and the right tone, not to mention beautiful black-and-white photography that served the purpose of incarnating the Universal Monster flicks. The production design in this movie is garishly colorful yet it just barely spoils the fun somewhat - it may as well have been directed by Joel Schumacher. "The Munsters" is a vapid cartoon-like oddity but not a completely bad take on one my favorite shows I watched as a kid. I suppose I expected a lot more than the Nickelodeon full-length version of "The Munsters" with a blooming romance and dated jokes that wouldn't pass muster at an SNL audition. Or maybe they would.