I am not a drawing!

 PAPERHOUSE (1988)

An Appreciation by Jerry Saravia

A pubescent, stubborn girl with intense dreams that mirror her drawings and real-life, Bernard Rose's "Paperhouse" leaves you thunderstruck with its potent imagery and emotionally grounded real-life drama. It is "Nightmare on Elm Street" except there is no burned jocose villain and no mortality factor in the slasher vein. It is a kid's idea of nightmares where a clear-eyed view of their world makes sense only to them, not to the adults who can't comprehend such horrific visions of wonder. Real-life and dreams seem to intersect and the joy of the film is in its ambiguity and its simplicity. 

Charlotte Burke is Anna, a very stubborn, rebellious young girl who is consistently in trouble at a private school and feigns fainting spells and ill health. The girl is as healthy can be - it is just her birthday and she just wants riding lessons. In a moment of ringing truth and those awkward moments where you start to hate your parents, Anna's mother (a sprightly Glenne Headly) is upset that her rambunctious daughter lied and takes her back to school. Almost immediately, something haunted this way comes. Anna begins having strange dreams of that very house she's been drawing. Eventually, she succumbs to her drawings and decides that a young boy (Elliott Spiers) should live there. Unfortunately, there are no stairs and the kid has no mobile use of his legs in a bedroom bereft of furniture. When she draws some legs, we get ceramic legs with no body exterior. Anna tries to erase some details of her drawings but is unable to. When we see the results of her scribbling over these finer details in her constant visit to this forlorn house, it leaves you unprepared and there is a chill felt in your bones.  

"Paperhouse" is not like any film I've ever seen before, even from a child's point-of-view. When I first saw it years back, it haunted me in ways that reminded me of "The Changeling." A notable added plus to director Bernard Rose's film is that there are barely any special effects, mostly creepy, mildly stark art direction and a spare-looking, empty, abstract and colorless house that looks like no house you would ever see except in a child's drawing. The walls look like they are made of papier mache. The window's view of a grassy field with ominous clouds and, in one truly terrifying sequence, a blind man appearing with a hammer left me shivering with fright. He resembles Anna's own absentee dad and these scenes are as scary and simplistic in their staging as anything from the Elm Street series. A scene involving the details of a photograph and reliving the moment will make you jump from your chair.

Anna's father is played by Ben Cross, who has the right side head for this film. It may sound strange but I saw a parallel between his rather swelled-looking head and that mysterious house. Perhaps I have had nightmares of this sort (and still infrequently do) about my late father appearing in them and seemingly angry at something I did. Those dreams were inexplicable, frustrating and left me breathless. "Paperhouse" taps into those interminable child-like insights that can fester for a long time.   

Nun with a dagger, Hanks playing basketball and Del Toro's delicious antihero

 THE PHOENICIAN SCHEME (2025)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Wes Anderson's greatest films often centered on the humanity and strength of its flawed characters within absurd situations. One of his early great masterworks is "The Royal Tenenbaums," which had a dysfunctional family trying to remain functional with a sick patriarch making some amends (that film has the benefit of carrying Gwyneth Paltrow's finest acting job). Lately, Anderson has gone off the cartoonish deep end in films as disparate in tone to his earlier films such as the grandly hysterical and luscious "The Grand Budapest Hotel" to the almost incomprehensible rat-a-tat-tat dialogue of "The French Dispatch" or the cornball witticisms of "Asteroid City" (a film I still feel started a whole lot better than it ended). There is a marvelous, sumptuous beauty to "The Phoenician Scheme" in that it is self-contained and quite precious yet there is a fundamental humanity to one of its characters, a young nun, that elevates it above its precious cartoonish staging. It also contains quite a few laughs and many scenes that will get to your funny bone in retrospect.

Benicio Del Toro is the amoral antihero with some sort of glimmer of a heart of gold 1950's industrialist Zsa Zsa Korda. This guy has suffered countless assassination attempts and, each time, he is up in Heaven bearing witness to his sins (and his own grandmother doesn't know who he is). Each time, he makes it back to Earth and makes some changes. Korda's latest escape from death is in a single-engine plane and it is so close to death that the international papers and TV stations report him dead until he shows up and asks if someone can place one of his severed organs back in his body! Korda already wishes to make amends, and that includes placing his daughter Liesl (Mia Threapleton, Kate Winslet’s daughter) as his sole beneficiary to his empire if he one day, you know, doesn't survive an attempted assassination. Bjorn (Michael Cera), Korda's cordial personal assistant, tutor and quasi-entomologist, travels with Korda and the uncertain yet intrigued Liesl to visit hopeful business partners in a Phoenician business "scheme" that involves not employing slave labor. Whatever it is, nothing screams ethical about Korda or his business practices or his alleged partners who will only contribute 50 percent? 

I am not very savvy when it comes to business or numbers and I do not watch Wes Anderson's films for intrinsic logic when it comes to such matters. I look for his wild and intricate production design and eccentric performances given by usually straight actors confined to a world that doesn't appear to exist (yeah, that goes double for Tom Hanks and Bryan Cranston as brothers who can play some mean basketball). Del Toro is made for this wild material and he has this curious habit of never quite making eye contact with anyone, except his daughter Liesl (who may not be his daughter and Korda may or may not have murdered her mother). An absurd mystery wrapped inside an absurd riddle. Major kudos to Mia Threapleton as a nun with definite religious convictions who has to contend with some atheistic characters. She carries a jewel-encrusted dagger and she likes to smoke (not your typical nun). Also noteworthy is Michael Cera who fits beautifully and snugly in the Anderson world as a young, harmless man who has a deep affection for Liesl. Last but not least is Benedict Cumberbatch as Uncle Nubar who has a long beard worthy of Tolstoy.    

"The Phoenician Scheme" is wild yet understated and a cartoon of extreme observations and extreme characters. None of them seems to inhabit the real world yet that is a plus for Anderson who has gone on a loopy ride of his own making since "Grand Budapest Hotel." It is all underscored by Del Toro's change in temperament as Korda who is willing to give it all up (how often do you want to survive assassination attempts) and Threapleton's consistently challenged dogma and willingness to accept Korda. Just don't ask me about the business deals.  

Carver's plans should live and let die

 TOMORROW NEVER DIES (1997)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

James Bond films are designed to entertain and astound us. When "Tomorrow Never Dies" was released in late 1997, it was already the 35th anniversary of the original sparkling diamond of a Bond film, 1962's "Dr. No." It has mostly been up with the occasional downers ever since. 1995's "Goldeneye" was one of those downers. The movie was heavily mediocre and bland and it cast the perfect Bond in Pierce Brosnan (whom most of us thought had a chance of being cast in the 1980's thanks to TV's "Remington Steele"). Brosnan was debonair, smooth as silk in line delivery and had presence in the Roger Moore School of Suavity. He was no Connery but who on earth is, and he certainly had more energy than Timothy Dalton. Without a good script and a sense of fun and adventure, "Goldeneye" tripped over itself despite a hell of an opening pre-credit sequence. "Tomorrow Never Dies" is a marked improvement and far more stylish and entertaining in every respect. It also has a stirring leading lady (Michelle Yeoh) who is smart, skillful, quick and can fight in combat without breaking too much of a sweat. The flaws may lie in an uninteresting villain and a plot that seems like it was airlifted a little from "For Your Eyes Only." Maybe the plots can be interchangeable yet the best plotted Bonds ("Dr. No," "From Russia With Love," "Goldfinger") still gave our favorite superspy a certain urgency.

Brosnan's James Bond is called into duty while engaged in relations with an Oxford professor ("brushing up on his Danish"). The imposing M (Judi Dench) has Bond investigate media mogul Elliot Carver (Jonathan Pryce) whose media powers through the Internet and beyond allow him to change media headlines and provoke deadly retaliatory reactions. A British frigate is torpedoed by Carver's own stealth ship (bares a resemblance to the octopus-like ship in "Spy Who Loved Me") as the frigate suspiciously veered off course into the South China Sea. Of course, there is nothing suspicious about since it was intentionally sent off course by a GPS encoder, which was is in the hands of a certain techno terrorist named Gupta (Ricky Jay, a David Mamet regular). The reason for all this techno cloak and dagger nonsense? Bespectacled Carver wishes to start a World War III conflict where Asia and Russia go to war, and this would help build his already successful media empire. The plots by these wealthy megalomaniacs never made much sense. 

Brosnan carries the day as Bond with several action fireworks, and a couple of romantic fireworks. I love the remote-controlled car that Bond eventually lands back at Avis rental offices! The Saigon scenes where Bond and leading lady (and agent of the Chinese Ministry) Wai Lin (Yeoh) are handcuffed and manage to ride a motorcycle through tight corners in crowded streets while evading a helicopter is vintage Bond (though it goes on a little too long). The raid on the stealth ship also goes on a bit too long but it is sweat-inducing fun and overloaded with machine gun fire and a few snappy bare-knuckle fight scenes. In terms of romance, a kiss is shared with Lin and there is some sass from Teri Hatcher as Bond's former flame. 

Pierce Brosnan is more confident here and I bought him as our favorite superspy who gets by many scrapes with just a couple of minor scratches. Yet the big issue is Pryce and I just didn't buy him as a villain - he seemed stiff to me. Ricky Jay's Gupta is underused as well. Still, "Tomorrow Never Dies" works its magic and will delight fans (myself included) and it is a real pleasure to see Michelle Yeoh appear. She has charm and is a dynamic presence. Carver's ridiculous plans should live and let die. 

Pistachios, parrots, Skiing and some Bondian action

 FOR YOUR EYES ONLY (1981)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Of all the Moore Bonds, "For Your Eyes Only" is one of the few James Bond flicks that starts with a bang, has a slipshod quality about it for almost the first half, and then builds rather impressively into a decent action flick. There is still some rampant silliness, as you would expect from a Roger Moore Bond film, but nothing as insanely over-the-top as "Moonraker," the previous installment that was more self-parody than anything else. "For Your Eyes Only" has a level of down-to-earth dynamics with our dapper Bond engaging in a few fistfights, a car chase with a diminutive vehicle that keeps belly flopping, and more. No gadgets this time, and no pigeons doing double takes.

A British ship at sea, the St. Georges, is firebombed. It is carrying a weapons system called the ATAC (Automatic Targeting Attack Communicator) and the Soviets want to grab hold of it. Not if superspy James Bond (Roger Moore) can help it, and certainly not if a couple of Greek businessmen can help it who presumably have ties to the Soviets. There is also Melina (a serenely beautiful Carole Bouquet) who witnessed the murder of her parents, one of whom was a marine archaeologist who was commissioned with finding the ship. Melina wants revenge and is handy with a crossbow. She runs into Bond and becomes smitten with him and his dry sense of humor. You know where this is going. 

The most regaling moments center on a pistachio-loving Greek smuggler named Columbo (Chaim Topol), an enemy of the villain du jour Kristatos (Julian Glover), who makes it clear he is Bond's ally and they drink a toast to it. Topol energizes the scenes he's in and thankfully he appears continuously through the eye-filling finale at a monastery on a mountain. The mountain scenes are especially suspenseful as Bond tries to scale the treacherous cliffs and has each of his suspensions ropes untied by a henchman. 

My issues with "For Your Eyes Only" rely on the villain Kristatos who doesn't seem like much of a menace and has no real memorable moments. Then there's Kristatos' protegee, ice skater Bibi Dahl (a definitely perky Lynn-Holly Johnson) with Olympics aspirations, who falls for Bond yet our superspy doesn't have the slightest interest. Bibi's character is cringe-inducing and simply marking time. On top of that, we get yet another silly ski chase (Moore's Bond did it again in "A View to a Kill") and the aforementioned car chase in the narrow streets of a town in Spain that leaves a lot to be desired.

Still, the movie does improve and has much to offer for Bond completists. A deadly coral reef trap is fairly nerve-wracking. I also admired the opening pre-credit sequence with Bond in a remote-controlled helicopter operated by someone who looks suspiciously like Blofeld. Roger Moore maintains that twinkle in his eye throughout and a little bit of grit to keep us interested. 

Double Dose De Niro in Apalachin

 THE ALTO KNIGHTS (2025)
Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

While watching the longish, often repetitive yet somewhat watchable "The Alto Knights," I was reminded that Robert De Niro will probably always be best remembered for appearing in mob movies. From "The Godfather" to "GoodFellas" and "Casino" and a host of other gangland parts (some not so memorable), De Niro is first and foremost our favorite mob boss-type - he can play the part in his sleep. With "Alto Knights," he tries a double dose, playing mob bosses Frank Costello and Vito Genovese. The surprise is that one feels more inspired than the other. 

Which is the more inspired part? De Niro as mob boss, associate to Lucky Luciano and seeking to be "the boss of bosses," Vito Genovese. With some prosthetics, it is a funny, wickedly spot-on performance by De Niro that feels like something he might have done 30 years ago. De Niro's role as Frank Costello, who is trying to be a legitimate "professional" gambler, feels like it is drawn from his Frank Sheeran role in "The Irishman" - very orderly and no fuss yet not much more. They are different roles with one performed with a sense of joy and the other performed as if De Niro just showed up, doing his diligent duty to bring the charisma but not the pathos.De Niro's big nose is not enough.

"The Alto Knights" is at its best during the last forty minutes where Costello decides to have a Cosa Nostra meeting in Apalachin, New York, to work out the details of gambling, loansharking, narcotics and much more (truth be told, this was really Genovese's plan to legitimize his role as the future Godfather). Costello purposely delays his attendance with every intention of showing up late if at all. There are unscheduled stops to buy apples and coffee. Eventually all "Five Families" in attendance at Apalachin, mob bosses and the like from around the country, try to flee when the cops start showing up and forming roadblocks.

"The Alto Knights" suffers from lack of character depth with regards to Genovese's insane short-lived marriage to Anna (Kathrine Narducci), to the point that they are so in love and then get a hasty divorce with Vito stealing from her club. Some of those scenes were grating like nails on a blackboard. Not much better is Frank's relationship to his devoted yet scared wife, Bobbie (Debra Messing), fearful that after an attempted assassination on her husband, he might not be safe in the streets even if he's retiring. The film also opens with narration courtesy of De Niro's older Costello (which basically apes "The Irishman") revealing the friendship between Genovese and Costello that developed into a bitter feud for power. Unfortunately, the film never develops that initial friendship - they always seemed like bitter rivals. 

It may be high time for Robert De Niro to quit playing these mafioso types. I'll always remember him best as Jake La Motta or Travis Bickle, characters whom De Niro played like ticking time bombs ready to go off. There was also ample humanity despite playing characters you would least likely want to spend time with. 

Despite the pedigree of journalist/screenwriter Nicholas Pileggi ("GoodFellas," "Casino") and the casting of De Niro and various other notable actors including Michael Rispoli's abbreviated turn as Albert Anastasia, "The Alto Knights" just feels merely adequate. It could have been a grand epic movie of friendship and betrayal yet it exists as infrequently compelling footnotes. 

Drax almost bought the Eiffel Tower

 MOONRAKER (1979)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

"Moonraker" is so absurd, so absolutely ridiculous, that it functions as one of those adventure movies with a wink that throws in everything including the kitchen sink (in this case, the kitchen sink is a space station with a cloaking device). It is entertaining and keeps a swift enough pace but it is not one of the great James Bond movies. I'd almost call it a parody except that Roger Moore thinks he may be in a serious Bond adventure. We know better.

"Moonraker" opens with a Moonraker space shuttle that is being carried by a plane. The shuttle takes off, killing the plane pilots. Why did this happen? An international incident? And where is James Bond? Oh, he is having his way with a flight stewardess who, too late, points a gun at him and then we get James pushed out of the plane by returnee Richard Kiel as henchman Jaws with deadly razor sharp metal teeth! It is one hell of an opening sequence, certainly as thrilling as the ski chase in the previous Moore adventure, "The Spy Who Loved Me." Once we are back on earth, Bond is up to his usual superspy routines as he investigates the Moonraker incident which leads him to the soft-spoken Drax (Michael Lonsdale), a very wealthy industrialist whose Nazi-like ambitions (repopulating the Earth after nearly vaporizing it) just made me laugh. Naturally, most Bond villains have absurd notions and absurd plans yet they are so megalomaniacal and have so much cash at their disposal, they can accomplish nearly anything. 

Speaking of absurdity at near-comical levels, early on our dapper Bond joins a pheasant shoot outside of Drax's nearly vast forest area at his headquarters and is almost killed by an assassin. Bond points his rifle, misses the pheasant yet kills the assassin. Bond walks off. Say what? I accept almost anything in a movie with a vapid brain yet why doesn't anyone grab hold off Bond? Kill one assassin on top of a tree, why does Drax not have more assassins at his disposal?

"Moonraker" leads us into very comical action scenes, one involving a gondola in Venice that is the reverse of the car/submarine vehicle in "Spy Who Loved Me" and there is even a pigeon that does a double-take! It is practically Monty Python territory, not to mention Jaws crashing a cable car and being helped by a young blonde woman with pigtails who loves our favorite henchman's sparkling metal teeth. Not so comical is Bond trapped in a centrifuge chamber, a scene that can make your heart stop and where we feel real urgency. I shan't neglect to mention Lois Chiles as a beautiful doctor who is actually a CIA agent! 

Before you know it, the movie throws itself right back into the comical including slow-motion scenes inside Drax's elaborate space station to evoke zero gravity. The big howler is the kitchen sink itself, the unleashing of Marines in space suits floating in space and firing laser blasts at Drax's guards. Yes, we have reached "Star Wars" laser battles, and that is a bridge too far for James Bond.  Of course, we learn Drax tried to buy the Eiffel Tower. As I said, Grade A for Absurdity in the world of James Bond.   

Moore amps up the dry wit

 THE SPY WHO LOVED ME (1977)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Impromptu fistfights aboard submarines or rooftops. Car chases through narrow two-lane roads. Beautiful exotic women, amazing locales. Yep, you are in another extravagant James Bond adventure starring Roger Moore in his third outing as superspy James Bond fighting a megalomaniac in some sort of underwater barge that is shaped like some emerging black octopus lair without tentacles.

The capitalist megalomaniac with webbed hands is Stromberg (a slightly underused Curd Jurgens) who lives inside this unnatural wonder of the seas. His dastardly plan? World domination? Something along those lines. Firing nuclear warheads and creating an underwater civilization is Stromberg's absurd idea (this could be a Lex Luthor plan). The bigger question in some of Moore's Bond efforts is why do men with more money than sense think that creating civilizations by blowing up countries is around the corner? If the guy had no money, would he have such a ridiculous plan? Leaving aside such thoughtful questions, Bond (Roger Moore) is ready to stop Stromberg and make peace and love with a Russian KGB agent named XXX (luscious Barbara Bach), who has a certain vendetta against a British Secret Service agent who killed her lover in the Alps. A slight narrative twist to the usual. 

"The Spy Who Loved Me" has fantastic action scenes that merit countless viewings, especially the memorable ski chase that opens the film where Bond jumps off a mountain with a Union Jack parachute. There are also nifty car chases involving high-powered motorbikes and Bond's vehicle, a Lotus Esprit, that can change into a submarine! Some of the action in the Octopus finale is a little routine (none of it is as well-staged as similar scenes from "You Only Live Twice," both films directed by Lewis Gilbert) but we do get a few good fight scenes especially with the iconic large henchman Jaws (Richard Kiel) who comes equipped with razor sharp metal teeth. Speaking of Jaws, Bond fights him at least three times including a hair-raising train fight. 

So for good old-fashioned action scenes and fistfights, buxom babes, and quick-witted one-liners courtesy of Moore's Bond, "Spy Who Loved Me" has it in spades. As for villains, other than Jaws and another thug with a wrestler's body (Milton Reid, a former wrestler), Jurgens is up to the task as Stromberg but there is barely enough of him. The revenge subplot doesn't quite deliver any payoff. Still, "Spy Who Loved Me" delivers Bond with enough flair and wit and general excitement to rate as solid escapist entertainment.