Ho-Ho-Ho Hogan

SANTA WITH MUSCLES (1996)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

I know I should have hated "Santa With Muscles." Its got WWE star Hulk Hogan as a self-absorbed fitness guru who conks his head on a Santa statue (do not ask) and thinks he might be Santa Claus but he doesn't know the Santa rules. I know, I know, the film had a brief theatrical release that lasted about as long as "Eddie and the Cruisers II" did, playing in a paltry 98 screens. I know, I know but I have to say that "Santa With Muscles" is enjoyable through most of its screen time. It is modest, pleasant and never screechingly sentimental or too hokey. It is a live-action cartoon and, shudder the thought, it works.

So Hulk Hogan really thinks he is Santa? Yes, thanks to a hired elf at the Santa Cottage in the local shopping mall who is in desperate need of a Santa since the St. Nick stand-in has disappeared (a fact that is never resolved in the entire film). Fifty bucks from a blonde mall employee is all it takes for the elf, Lenny (Danny Stark), to find Hulk Hogan wandering the mall convinced by Lenny that he is Santa. The kids chant "Santa, Santa" and Hulk does his best to please them. The plot thickens when Hulk Hogan realizes he has a mission - to save an orphanage from a villainous Ebner Frost (Ed Begley, Jr.) who has a Howard Hughes germaphobia where he refuses to breathe regular air. Ebner has a keen interest in taking over the orphanage since, below the basement of the building, there is a cavern full of precious, deadly quartz crystals that explode when dropped on the ground and give off more energy than electricity (something that environmentalist Ed Begley might be proud of).

"Santa With Muscles" is hardly great cinema nor is it as heartwarming a Yuletide tale as "A Christmas Story." Hulk Hogan looks wild-eyed and incredulous and he isn't much of an actor but he sells the role with his physique and double takes. I do wonder why the orphans (including a very young Mila Kunis) fix his Santa suit with black gloves and a studded belt that seems to have been stolen from Chrissie Hynde of The Pretenders, or how the proprietors of the orphanage never even knew there was a cavern with a bolted door? Or why the funniest bit that ex-SNL star Garrett Morris is given to do is to be nearly run over by an ice cream truck? Or why California cops are armed with bazookas? Still, 1996 saw this movie come and go without much notice (I never heard of it until recently). It is more fun and spirited than 1996's dull AhNuld X-Mas film, "Jingle all the Way."