A bloodless Cimmerian

CONAN THE BARBARIAN (2011)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

 The original "Conan the Barbarian" with Arnold Schwarzenegger remains something of a dusty, moody sword-and-sorcery masterpiece. It had James Earl Jones as the villainous, serpent-like Thulsa Doom, Arnold flexing his muscles and thrusting his sword with flair at anything or anyone, and the intoxicating Sandahl Bergman as Conan's lover. 2011's revamped and far bloodier "Conan" film has nothing up its sleeve except gore, disembowelments, decapitations, blood spraying from various amputations and anything of the "300" variety.

If nothing else, the opening sequence shows promise. A spectacularly bloody battle scene featuring Conan's father (vividly played with prowess by Ron Perlman) shows the birth of Conan as a Cesarean is performed (in the midst of battle, mind you) on Conan's mother whose last dying breath is to call her son "Conan." Then we get an extended sequence showing Conan as a young and adept warrior in the land of wintery Cimmeria, learning how to forge a metal sword with the use of fire and water. Conan also destroys single-handedly an entire squadron of creatures who look like the descendants from "Lord of the Rings." Conan's father is eventually killed by an evil warlord named Khalar Zym (played by an unrecognizable Stephen Lang) who wishes to obtain the missing piece of the Mask of Acheron in order to resurrect his dead wife, a sorceress, and conquer the land of Hyborea. With the help of his nasty sorceress daughter, Marique (Rose McGowan), Khalar needs a "pure-blooded" woman (a virgin to the rest of you) whom he can sacrifice while he puts the missing Mask piece(s) together. At one point, in Conan's later years as a full-fledged warrior, he captures that one "pure-blooded" woman (there is only one in these lands?) and they, spoiler alert, have sex!!! I wonder if that will make a difference.

The 1982 film is evocative for showing set pieces that seemed at home in its heavy metal quirks: the Wheel of Pain, the Tree of Woe, the palace where Thulsa Doom resides, etc. This 2011 redux is not as interested in locales of such richness - the jagged camerawork and choppy editing do not allow such scenes to breathe. There are flickers of imagination. I do love the opening scenes of Conan's youth, the fight scene with the warriors made of stone that break very easily like fine ceramic pottery but these are minute flashes in a film that runs almost two hours.

Jason Momoa looks like the Conan as interpreted by the pulp writer Robert E. Howard, with his dark mane of hair and occasional flicker of a smirk. I love his one line that defines the pulpy barbarian in all his brutality: "I live, I love, I slay, and I am content." Other than that, I prefer Schwarzenegger's take any day of the week. Arnie brought humor and seemed to dominate the screen with his physique - he made Conan the king of all warriors. As for villains, Stephen Lang is menacing enough but the implied incestuous nature of his relationship with his evil daughter may make some a little uncomfortable.

The biggest fallacy with "Conan the Barbarian" is that it is not much fun. The film thrives on bloody rampage but with little momentum other than making the next swordfight bloodier than the next. There is not much soul, human interest or personality in this film. It is an ultraviolent video game but even video games have more of an edge than this.