Don't Piss on hospitality

TROLL 2 (1990)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

"Troll 2" can be summed in one phrase: best good bad movie you might ever see. I've seen my share of good bad films that manage to entertain in spite of everything else that goes wrong ("Plan 9" is infamous, of course, but there is also "The Third Society," less well-known but worth watching because it is not boring). But "Troll 2" is something more unique, a fifth-rate B movie that is so woefully misguided and executed that, somehow, it actually works because it is so damn entertaining. If the filmmakers admitted they made a parody of "Village of the Damned" or something of its ilk, I would've said this was exceptionally hilarious. The fact that the filmmakers intended to make a serious horror movie makes this a special good/bad movie with its own special place in the annals of idiotic cinema.

"Troll 2" has no relation to the original and very dull "Troll" from 1986, which starred Michael Moriarty, Sonny Bono and I think one angry troll. At least it had a higher pedigree than this movie, which may be the only sequel where "in-name only" feels like a cheap understatement. This movie was supposed to be called "Goblins," just as other notable films by the Italian director Claudio Fragasso like "Terminator II" and "Evil Dead V" had alternate, original titles with no relation to their popular U.S. titles. Moving on, a family goes on a vacation trip to the town of Nilbog (anyone that can't guess what that means...) where it is so sparsely populated that there doesn't seem to be a functioning grocery store (they offer unrefrigerated milk for free and it ain't Parlamat!). Lo and behold, Nilbog's residents are all goblins (hate to spoil that for anyone) and there is a resident witch living in a church with a crimson red bed in its lobby, as well as a portal to Stonehenge, and lots of plants! The family have a son (Michael Stephenson, the best actor of the bunch) who has visions of goblins eating the chlorophyll remains of dead people with green ooze in their mouths! He figures out what the town of Nilbog is up to, thanks to the spirit of his beloved grandfather. By the way, the house the family actually trade for their own has handwritten signs of the occupant's names taped on their doors.

For laughs, we get little Stephenson urinating on green-iced cookies and cake (we know he will do it when he opens his fly); the grandfather's spirit getting lost in the house; the witch seducing a young teenage boy with corn on the cob that turns into popcorn; a sheriff offering a teenager a cheeseburger with green ooze (now who would willingly eat that?); a silly jamboree; another hapless teen turned into a plant, holding a flower pot; an 80's dance scene, and there is so much more that I can't keep typing this nonsense. This is the kind of movie where any description of any scene must be followed by an exclamation mark.

What is "Troll 2" about? I can't say except that the town of Nilbog and its hungry goblins care about the environment and are vegetarian. However, they like to eat people but only after they pollute their victims' blood with chlorophyll mixed with cheeseburgers (from some 24-hour burger joint in town) or with vanilla cake and cookies. So, to destroy the goblins, it might help if you are armed with a double decker bologna sandwich that has no trace of chlorophyll. This begs the question: if the goblins are strict vegetarians, where do they get the unrefrigerated cow milk? (Unless it is Parmalat). Also, they are surrounded by the forest, so why don't they feast on plants and leaves instead of feasting on people and turning them into plants? Yeah, there is irony here but it is so slapdash and so absurdly presented that I classify it as un-ironic and unintended irony. That last statement makes about as much sense as the movie.

Apparently, the English-speaking actors in this ultra low-grade horror (shot in Utah) were not able to communicate with Fragasso (using the alias Drake Floyd) or the crew because they all spoke Italian. That explains a lot, but I can't say I was bored by this movie. It is so entertaining and so unintentionally comedic and so inanely acted and directed, it is hard to resist. It is a new high in the lower margins of fringe filmmaking. Suffice to say, once you have seen "Troll 2," you can't unsee it.

For a review of the documentary, "Best Worst Movie," check out http://jerrysaravia.blogspot.com/2012/05/dont-piss-on-troll-2.html