H. Rider Haggard is merely flipping a coin in his grave

KING SOLOMON'S MINES (1985)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

So let's get this off our chests immediately, shall we? "King Solomon's Mines" is not to be taken seriously nor is it a good action-adventure flick. It is also haphazardly shot and acted (with quite possibly one of the worst rear-screen projected scenes ever seen in a film, at least since 1934's "Tarzan the Ape Man"). And yet I had a moderately fun time watching it, maybe because it doesn't take itself seriously for a second nor does it apologize for being so hilariously bad.

Richard Chamberlain plays Allan Quatermain, a fortune hunter hired to help the blonde Jess Huston (Sharon Stone) find her father. You see her father has a map that can lead to the mines of King Solomon where priceless jewels and diamonds are hidden. Naturally, Jess is not the only one who wants it - a German commander (Herbert Lom) and a vicious Turk (John Rhys-Davies) want the mines for themselves. As the commander points out, if Germany had access to jewels and diamonds, they would have won World War II. I suppose the implication is that with enough money, the Germans could have armed themselves with enough firepower to destroy the whole world!

"King Solomon's Mines" is one of three remakes by my count of H. Rider Haggard's classic adventure novel. The 1937 and the 1950 version are infinitely superior with little of the cartoonish quality of this movie. The only reason this flick was made was to cash in on the Indiana Jones craze of the 1980's. Allan Quatermain is modeled more on good old Indy than on the novel's character, given lines like "Oh, sure. You take the thousand on the left and I will take the thousand on the right" (referring to the numerous members of an African tribe). Ms. Sharon Stone is made to seem as dumb as possible, but even the classic blonde bombshells from the 30's and 40's had more spunk and attitude than she does. Only Chamberlain maintains some level of dignity through this mess, though he is not your standard adventure hero (he lacks any real charm). As for Herbert Lom and John Rhys-Davies, well, they overact shamelessly and who can blame them. In fact, it is rather fun seeing Lom parading up and down Africa, lip-synching to a Wagner opera with plenty of gusto. I certainly would not call their performances boring.

The action scenes pack some heat and occasional thrills (a plane sequence, though, does leave a lot to be desired). But we do get alligators, dragons, quicksand, perilous traps, African men hanging upside down in trees, lava, explosions galore (even people explode when falling into lava), huge spiders and lots more. This is pure silliness and truly campy, not to mention completely unbelievable. I never thought I would say this but here is good advice when watching this movie: check your brain at the door.