Han Solo and Rambo together, oh, if only

THE EXPENDABLES 3 (2014)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Sylvester Stallone has become far more interesting nowadays, thanks to his gravelly voice and his been-there-done-that-older-wiser repartee. He looks like an older lion who still has the stamina and strength to crush you, yet he can also have a good time at a bar drinking with the rest of them. Unfortunately, "The Expendables" movie series has gotten more banal with each entry and this third chapter is inexplicably a two-hour snoozer. Stallone tries to save it but his presence is not enough.

Stallone is once again Barney Ross, the mercenary who wants to kill a former Expendable-turned-psychotic-arms dealer, Conrad Stonebanks (Mel Gibson, looking as if he wants to be home screaming at someone - perhaps his agent). The problem is that Ross's boss, an impatient CIA operative (Harrison Ford, who looks like he'd rather be piloting the Millennium Falcon), wants Stonebanks alive so that he can be tried for war crimes. A mission where Conrad, presumed dead, is initially discovered by Barney results in the near-fatal gunshots suffered by Hale Caesar (Terry Crews, always a spirited and fun actor). Ross decides to disband his older cronies for newer, fresher blood. These new recruits barely got my attention except for Ronda Rousey as a tough bouncer and mixed martial-artist - she has a tender and vicious side that makes her a perfect new Expendable. However, you start to miss the reliable pros of 80's and 90's action pic fame like Dolph Lundgren, Jet Li, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Harrison Ford - they are AWOL for almost 60 percent of the film.

"Expendables 3" is not as cartoonishly empty as the second film but it is nowhere near as decent as the first film. In the end, the movie is about nothing more than amassing a huge body count and the chance to hear Harrison Ford say the word "fuck." I am all for the small pleasures in life but with such an extraordinary cast that can bring you goosebumps when you hear all their names together, the end result is nothing but numbing monotony. 

Alcoholic, thieving, sexed-up Santa

BAD SANTA (2003)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

The only words I have for "Bad Santa" is that it is indisputably funny. Many will disagree but you can't expect anyone to have the same formal opinion when it comes to a movie about an alcoholic, foul-mouthed thief who dresses up as Santa. The reason this movie works so well is because of Billy Bob Thornton, a remarkable actor who continually surprises me.

Good old Billy Bob plays Willie, an alcoholic safecracker who has a long-time partner, an angry dwarf named Marcus (Tony Cox). They have been robbing department stores at Christmas time for eight years. The basic setup is simple: Willie gets a job as Santa and the dwarf is your basic elf. By the end of the holiday season, Willie and the elf will wait for the store to close and rob it blind. They prove successful in their exploits, enough to where Willie can afford to drink himself into a drunken stupor until the following Christmas. Sadly, the newest attempt proves a disaster from the beginning. Willie obviously hates being Santa, hates kids, hates department stores, and naturally hates himself. He is always drunk, is foul-mouthed to everyone (including his employer played the late John Ritter), incessantly uses the four-letter word, has sex with customers in the dressing rooms, etc. Nobody can play a mean drunk half as well as Billy Bob Thornton.

Suspicions abound when the store's security chief (Bernie Mac) is on to the duo and wants a cut of the profits. There are also some other obstacles. Willie meets a kid (Brett Kelly), known in the credits as The Kid, who insists that Willie is Santa Claus and will do anything to help him. This includes the Kid letting Willie stay at his house, while Kid's father is in jail and the only parental guardian is his almost catatonic grandmother (Cloris Leachman). Another obstacle is Sue (Lauren Graham), a bartender who loves to boink guys in Santa suits. Willie is no exception, and the relationship seems to be nothing but sex. That is until we slowly learn that Sue has feelings for a drunker-than-thou Santa Claus.

What can we expect to see in "Bad Santa"? I saw the unrated cut (known as "Badder Santa"), which includes some extra boinking scenes (including a moment where Willie demonstrates to an underage girl how to play pinball with more thrusting), Bernie Mac getting his toenails manicured, a dazed and confused Cloris sleeping through most of the movie, the Santa-loving kid with the occasional snot in his nose, Willie knocking over reindeer models, and so on. Yes, filth and vulgarity galore. I've neglected to mention that I found this movie funny throughout. Yes, I got a kick out of it.

True, Billy Bob seems almost too intelligent to make stupid mistakes. Also true that the movie is slightly overlong (including a far-too extended and slightly sappy climax). The Kid is not always the most appealing character to look at, what with all that snot in his nose. And I would've loved more scenes with Sue so that we got an inkling as to her attachment towards Bad Santa.

Still, "Bad Santa" is funny and mean-spirited in good, healthy doses to make one smile. There is a touch of humanity thanks to Billy Bob that could've easily been nothing less than a one-joke movie with any other actor. With Billy Bob and director Terry Zwigoff ("Ghost World"), it is a socko comic triumph with plenty of belly laughs. 

Jill Schoelen is an angel pointing the way

AN ACTOR CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE

By Jerry Saravia

Celebrities (actors, actresses, directors, etc.) are people first, celebrities second. I always thought of Jill Schoelen as a person first, not a movie star or an actress. To those who are unaware of who Jill Schoelen is, she is the star of films like "The Stepfather," "Popcorn," "Rich Girl," and "When a Stranger Calls Back," among other films. From my own experience, I guess it has to do with "The Stepfather," the first film where I first took notice of her. Her Stephanie Maine character in that film instilled confidence in me that I might meet someone special later in life, and of course I have - my darling, wonderfullest Dana who has been my better half since 2003. I first saw "The Stepfather" on late night TV in the fall of 1989, not long after graduating high school. In high school, I was a loner and never had much luck with women, and didn't try to. I can't explain it but Jill Schoelen's sweetness and rebelliousness in that film was hitting me like a flash of my future - that a woman like that could be in my future and take an interest in someone like me. She was like an angelic sister at my side, somehow directing me to where I am today. It may sound odd but that is what she did for me. Although Jill is not a friend of mine beyond facebook nor have I ever met her, I would thank her for giving me the confidence to communicate with women, without feeling agitated or nervous about it. I don't know where I would be had it not been for that late night in the fall of 1989...it was fate I suppose and it still took some work (I hardly became an overnight Lothario). Of course, I don't know where I would be without my Dana either. Jill Schoelen was the first step in making a difference in my life. Thank you Jill!

1 out of 4 is a bad score

FOUR ROOMS (1995)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Allison Anders, Quentin Tarantino, Alexander Rockwell and Robert Rodriguez all have one thing in common. They have concocted a disastrously wrongheaded anthology about four different rooms in a David Lynchian hotel with one omnipresent character, a bellboy. If only these four rooms didn't all seem the same.

Tim Roth plays Ted, the bellboy who works one long night on New Year's Eve catering to the demands of every guest at the hotel. Firstly, we have a coven of witches all played by Madonna, Lili Taylor, Valeria Golino, Sammi Davis and Ione Skye. For Skye to become a witch, she needs Ted's sperm! Then Ted inadvertently wanders into a bizarre S & M game with Jennifer Beals. Later, Ted finds himself acting as a babysitter for two little rascals while the parents (Tamlyn Tomita, Antonio Banderas) are out partying. Finally, there is the movie star (Quentin Tarantino) and his cohorts on the top floor who stage a bet involving cutting someone's pinkie off.

To give Tim Roth the title role is a stroke of genius but he's not given much of a character to play. His constant tics and forced smiles in all four episodes evoke wearisome histrionics, not laughter. Just imagine what Steve Buscemi from "Barton Fink" might have done with this.

The best episode is the first one called "The Missing Ingredient" with the coven of witches - it is funny and has some zest to it, and all the actresses make witty appearances. Rockwell's awful "Wrong Man" episode is uneven, stupid and definitely the worst - this episode's idea of wit is to have Beals's character come up with various synonyms for penis. Rodriguez's over-the-top "Misbehavers" is strangely dull with Banderas overdoing his "Desperado" slicked-ponytail routine. The last episode, "The Man From Hollywood," is relentlessly dreary with Tarantino doing his one-note characterization of a movie star and his knowledge of how movies gross at the box-office. The finger foible story adds zilch to Tarantino's own pulpy film resume, and the constant hand-held camerawork and litany of f-curses is headache-inducing.

"Four Rooms" is a misguided and terminally unfunny anthology offering none of the evident talent from its star directors, excluding Allison Anders ("Gas, Food and Lodging"). It is less a movie than an excuse to show a serpentine, uncontrollable late-night party with more jeers than cheers.

The makings of a disaster

LE FEAR 2: LE SEQUEL (2015)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Making a low-budget B monster movie is sure fun for anyone involved. Making or attempting to make a quality "film noir" horror movie with Z-grade amateurs is probably not much fun. Part of the hilarity of Jason Croot's "Le Fear 2: Le Sequel" is when you expect quality with a bigger budget...and you still get horse dung.

Carlos Revalos (Kyri Saphiris) is the incompetent filmmaker who is pitching to make a horror film that features vampires and presumably witch doctors. A South African executive producer (from Nollywood - Nigeria's answer to Hollywood) named Dirk Heinz (played by Andrew Tiernan) promises a huge 10 million dollar production deal as long as Carlos puts up 500,000 pounds of his own money. Aye, there is the rub. Why on earth does Carlos have to put up money for a proposed 10 million budget? Good question.

Enter Nollywood producer Efi (Seye Adelekan) who is some sort of hip, energized yet completely hopeless and clueless man that basically ruins the production. When Carlos asks for a studio set, he gets a used, smelly caravan vehicle. Props and FX master brings in Halloween decorations! An actress plays a vampire in ways that even Vampira would object to. Queenie (played with an edgy wickedness by Victoria Hopkins) is the sex-starved makeup artist who seduces the cinematographer and an actress. A lead actress (Denise Moreno) is nonplussed by the shoddiness of it all. "I want horror," screams Carlos consistently and all he gets are inflatable alien dolls and an Ed Wood-type inflatable UFO from a FX expert who supposedly worked on "Avatar"! When the lead actress angrily exits, a Japanese actress who can't speak a lick of English replaces her. A 35mm motion picture camera and a dolly are requested and all Efi brings to the table is nothing but an old 8mm camera.

There are many laughs and a few groans in "Le Fear II." For one, the appearance of the title of the film on occasion runs a little dry (maybe it should be introduced twice during its opening credits, the second time it can be shown in bigger letters as it was in Robert Altman's "Brewster McCloud"). I also think a little tightening of a couple scenes would help - there a few dry spells that do not elicit much laughter such as Queenie aiming incessantly for a quickie with the cinematographer (far funnier and titillating is Queenie seducing the vampire actress). Carlo's shocked face at the progress of the movie could be sustained longer periodically. Still, I love the freewheeling Efi whose very cluelessness (including his misunderstanding of the word "gremlin) ups the ante on laughs that had me in stitches throughout - he steals the movie singlehandedly.

This review of "Le Fear II" applies to a work-in-progress - the official date of release is not till April 2015. In terms of other movie-within-the-movie movies, "Le Fear II" is nothing new technically (aside from the shadiness of the South African producer and money man) but it is consistently smart and witty (it will be funnier to those who have participated in the making of grade Z schlock). 

Rebel without a cause

BOYS DON'T CRY (1999)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

(Originally viewed in 1999)

It is no secret that America has its share of homophobia and racism abounding in all corners of every state. I am sure in Falls City, Nebraska, it is no different. The girl who passed herself off as a boy named Brandon Teena probably knew that such homophobia existed but that did not stop him (I will refer to Brandon as a male) from being true to herself. And so commences the bristling, highly effective "Boys Don't Cry," a debut film by director Kimberly Peirce based on a true story. An incredibly mesmerizing film, Peirce certainly shows a gift for handling actors and raw emotions.

The highly magnetic Hilary Swank stars as Brandon Teena, formerly Teena Brandon, who moves to Falls City despite the hesitations and warnings from her cousin. Brandon makes fast friends in Falls City with some beer-swilling, truck-driving, pot-smoking young people. Two of them (Peter Saarsgard and Brendan Sexton III) are former jail buddies with nothing on their minds except drinking and putting their hands through flames. But there is one Brandon has his eye on - the dour-looking female teen who loves karaoke, Lana (Chloe Sevigny). She drinks heavily and works in a factory, but is immediately smitten by Brandon because he is so unlike any other males she has encountered in this dead-end town. Brandon respects her, and suddenly, Lana seems to overcome her sullenness and becomes full of life - as if a diamond had sprung and sparkled her sensibilities.

Brandon has a troubled past to contend with, however, and it inevitably catches up with him. He has robbed, cheated and lied but all for a positive cause in a way, to stay true to himself. Brandon wants to do away with girlish sensibilities - he cuts his hair short and places a sock in between his legs. And he gets away with it! He asks girls out in roller-skating rinks and treats them like queens. Lana is the latest girl to be comforted by Brandon, and even if there is the danger of her finding out what his real gender is, we know she will still love him.

"Boys Don't Cry" has two magnificent performances that will touch the heart and rivet the soul. Hilary Swank is clearly amazing in that she looks like a boy and we respond to her as such - her beaming smile glows and makes Brandon that much more sympathetic a character. We know there is an inevitable tragedy he will face, and so the tension builds because Brandon means well and is harmless.

Chloe Sevigny also undergoes a miraculous transformation, from her binge drinking habits and dourness to a pleasing beauty with an angelic face waiting to be loved. Ever since her dramatic turns in "Kids" and "Trees Lounge," I have fallen in love with Chloe - her presence evokes compassion, much like the late Audrey Hepburn. It is a quality unheard of in most young actresses today, but Chloe has it down pat.

"Boys Don't Cry" is raw and painful, and is not intended for general audiences, but those who can deal with the subject matter will be rewarded with the performances of Swank and Sevigny. They embody the film with sweetness and raw, naked emotion - their relationship is as real as any love story I have seen of late. If I have any complaints about the film, it is only that I wished to see how Brandon tried to adapt from day-to-day as a boy - there is one scene where he has to buy tampons but ,otherwise, he seems to be able to deal with the situation remarkably well. Still, director Peirce knows that the heart of the film is Brandon, the rebel without a cause. His only concern is to have a sex operation and to live with Lana in Memphis. He has ambitions and dreams ("You hallucinate 24 hours a day," says one character about Brandon) but his main focus is to be free and to live. The fact that he couldn't is what makes "Boys Don't Cry" such a moving, poetic experience.

Broken Axel

BEVERLY HILLS COP III (1994)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia
(Originally viewed in 1994)

"Beverly Hills Cop" is an idea that could run dry quickly, witness the hideously awful "Lethal Weapon 4" which nearly destroyed the credibility of its own series. How many times can you see Axel Foley bluff his way out of any situation in Beverly Hills? Wouldn't the entire Los Angeles area have made him into a media hero by now with his motormouth skills, not to mention his mingling with Hugh Hefner at the Playboy Mansion in "Beverly Hills Cop II"? The third time is not the charm in this tired, listless though infrequently and mildly diverting sequel. The public wasn't buying it anymore either since they did not attend. Wise move. Of course, I did attend when I saw it in a theater back in May, 1994.

Eddie Murphy is back again as Axel Foley, the smart-aleck Detroit detective who laughs louder than anyone else in the United States. This time, his Inspector Todd (Gil Hill) is killed in the opening sequence, which involves some uninspired business with the FBI and chop shops. Foley is mad and wants to find the killers so, well, he puts on his Detroit Lions jacket and is back in business in Beverly Hills. Judge Reinhold returns as Billy Rosewood as does Bronson Pinchot in a brief cameo as Serge, now selling home-equipped artillery! Taggart (John Ashton) and the police chief Bogomil (Ronny Cox) are conspicuously missing. Oh, yes, whatever happened to Paul Reiser?

Something seemed wrong from the start. It is unusual for a "Beverly Hills Cop" movie to have Axel barely bluffing, but it is true. In fact, he is actually a pretty harmless, sensitive guy who buys a ticket into an amusement park called Wonderworld rather than bluffing his way into getting it free. The amusement park concept, as written by Steven E. de Souza, is dull at best, as are the cardboard villains. It doesn't have an ounce of suspense or surprise in it. We are left with Foley horsing around with costumed characters and donning a bunny costume for laughs! Ha! Ha! And the killers are using Wonderworld as a front for counterfeiting money! Wow! A great concept indeed!

"Beverly Hills Cop III" is directed with static energy by John Landis, a director responsible for more disasters than any other director. The comedy relief is so haphazard and dryly written that, at best, it elicits only a few chuckles (opening chop shop scene cueing Supremes' "Come See About Me" and Axel's verbal exchanges with Inspector Todd come off best). The action scenes are badly edited and constructed (look at the pitiful scene where Eddie is hanging around a Ferris wheel or one of the final shootouts towards the end where the killers shoot literally on autopilot). The movie eschews comedy for action and plenty of shootouts but little else. They could have cast Wesley Snipes instead of Murphy and nobody would notice the difference. We want to see Eddie Murphy firing off rounds of humor, not ammunition. 

Supercharged, action man Axel

BEVERLY HILLS COP II (1987)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Eddie Murphy was riding high back in 1987. He was one of the biggest stars in the world, turning in big box-office dollars with the original "Beverly Hills Cop," "The Golden Child," "48 HRS.," and "Trading Places." Murphy could do no wrong, and this rip-roaring, extremely loud sequel to "Beverly Hills Cop" was no exception. It reunited him with the two "supercops" from the original, John Ashton as the heavy-set Taggart and Judge Reinhold as the naive Billy Rosewood. Naturally, Murphy was at the center of the film, spouting jokes and obscenities galore. Something changed, though, and most critics picked up on it. Murphy was loud and irreverent as always, but there was a meaner edge and a sexist attitude that was standoffish to say the least.

"Cop II" begins with an L.A. jewelry robbery that is as loud and overdone as expected from the team of Jerry Bruckheimer and Don Simpson. Then we flash to the city of Detroit with Eddie back as Axel Foley, preening for the camera as he wears an expensive suit, drives a Ferrari, and goes deep, deep undercover trying to infiltrate a credit card scam! This raises the ire of returnee Inspector Todd (played by real-life Detroit police inspector Gilbert Hill) who is paying for Axel's expenses despite the fact that no arrests have been made. Before you know it, Axel (in a contrived scene) discovers that his good friend, Lieutenant Bogomil (Ronny Cox), has been shot by someone from the Alphabet Team who have committed a string of Alphabet robberies in L.A., including one in the opening sequence. So Axel decides to go to Beverly Hills, comfort Bogomil and his stunning blonde daughter (Alice Adair), and help solve the crimes with the reluctant Taggart and the giddy Rosewood.

When first glimpsed, "Beverly Hills Cop II" might be seen as a great movie if seen with the right audience, but it hardly qualifies on second viewing. For one, there are far too many inconsistencies, including the fact that Axel is friends with Taggart, Rosewood and Bogomil (the very same people who were ready to put him in jail in the original). Plus, Axel seems to get away with too much, including an improbable scene where he talks his way into the Playboy Mansion. Unlikely. The original was more clever by allowing scenes such as Axel using racism and a supposed Rolling Stone cover story to get inside a ritzy hotel. And how about the ridiculous scene where he talks a construction crew into leaving the house they are remodeling, thus allowing Axel to stay in a house in Beverly Hills for free, complete with a jacuzzi and a slippery swimming pool!

There is an underlying sexist edge to the film, which lead to Eddie's extremely raw, fitfully funny concert film "Raw" the very same year. Every comment made by Axel in the movie feels sexist. Consider the scene where he admires the long, shaven legs of Brigitte Nielsen during shooting practice. Or the deplorable Playboy Mansion scene. Or how he feels stiffed about paying seven dollars for a coke when he could get blown for the same amount of money. Axel's clever witticisms from the original are still there but a meanness has also taken over, as if Axel only sees women as sex objects. I only wish the writers took advantage and expanded the character's horizons to accommodate such sexual attitudes. All we learn about Foley in this movie is that he was a little thief when he was a kid, nothing more.

The sexist edge also feels tampered with, to some degree. In the original, Murphy had a good rapport with Lisa Elibacher, though they never developed a relationship beyond friendship, presumably because she is white and Foley does not see her as a sexual object. Same with this sequel where Murphy knows how to comfort Bogomil's white daughter and gets to kiss her on the cheek two or three times but no relationship develops. If this seems like a silly argument, consider "The Pelican Brief" as one of many examples in Hollywood history. In that film, Denzel Washington has a friendship with Julia Roberts but it never develops into anything else (though it did in the book).

Now for the pluses in "Beverly Hills Cop II." The movie begins with a superb title sequence where the song "Shakedown" by Bob Seger plays in the soundtrack. There are a few choice Murphy put downs and one-liners, as expected, and his gargantuan laugh is as loud and Dolby-ized as one can imagine. Also, Murphy still has good chemistry with Ashton and Reinhold, though their scenes do lack the pungent wit and camaraderie of the original. There is also an early appearance by Chris Rock as a whiny valet.

There is no doubt that the film is entertaining but it resembles more of a Rambo action piece than the comedy that one would hope for. The villains are left on the sidelines and the plot is far too confusing to care about (why would robbers plot their crimes with the use of coordinates?) The movie is loud (as are all Bruckheimer/Simpson productions), insanely high-pitched, occasionally funny, definitely sexist, profane at times, but also as evocative of the indulgences and decadence of the 1980's as any film of that period.

Axel Foley bluffs his way thru town

BEVERLY HILLS COP (1984)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

"Beverly Hills Cop" is a highly entertaining, derivative and messy picture - it is an action comedy but the emphasis on the action at certain points negates the comic potential. Eddie Murphy, however, steals the movie easily and shows his talent far outweighs the average cop picture, playing the Detroit cop Axel Foley who bends the rules to his advantage.

Axel Foley (Murphy) had failed to bust an illegal cigarette-selling business in an opening chase scene that sets the pace of the rest of the movie. Axel's old friend and ex-partner in crime (James Russo) comes to town, hiding from a nefarious businessman who is in the bearer bonds and cocaine business. The crux of the movie is Axel's need to apprehend the killers with the help of the Beverly Hills police department. He does not play by the rules but the BH boys do. This causes a conflict of interests but I think you can see where the film is going. It is an action comedy in the strictest sense of the word, but somehow very uneven. The comedy does not flow easily or smoothly with the action scenes, especially the final shootout that seems to come from a different movie entirely. There is some humor there with the bumbling Rosewood and Taggart team but a bloody climax undermines the comedy and goes too far. Ever since I first saw the film in 1984, I felt the ending was crude and unnecessary.

But that is the problem. Is this a comedy or an action picture? Roger Ebert famously declared the fusion of the two genres as suspect and unworkable. The screenplay by Daniel Petrie (which was shockingly nominated for an Oscar) is at its best when we see Eddie at its center, acting drunk and foolish to nail a suspected robber at a nightclub or, in general, bluffing his way out of any Beverly Hills establishment and showing the rich, glamorous denizens of the ritzy town who is the boss. That is what I remember best about "Beverly Hills Cop." The lazily written, mediocre cops and cocaine dealers stuff is something you would see in any "Starsky and Hutch" show (Steven Berkoff is hardly a one-dimensional villain and performs ably and above the mediocrity). Had the film focused on Eddie's attempts to mingle and bluff his way through Beverly Hills and completely ditched the screenplay, then it might have been a real winner.

Martin Brest directs as well as he can, but he later proved to make a more amiable and entertaining action-comedy in the classic "Midnight Run" four years later. "Beverly Hills Cop" was a solid start for Eddie Murphy and it showed his comedic talent skillfully. I just sense that it could have been so much more.

Evil Elvis sideburns does a slasher routine

THE DARK HALF (1993)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Periodically haunting and somewhat watchable, "The Dark Half" is only a mild disappointment from the Stephen King pit of adapted horror novels. It is a schizophrenic picture, partly slasher and partly a character study. The slasher mentality dominates the second act, while the first act does a good job of establishing its rhythm and its main character, a writer using a pseudonym that makes him more marketable than his actual name. Good idea, insufficient depth.

Thad Beaumont (Timothy Hutton) is the writer living in Maine, married to a strong, devoted woman (Amy Madigan, perfect casting), and making ends meet by teaching creative writing at a college. Thad's pseudonymous novels have been discovered by a blackmailer who wants cash or he will out Thad. Thad decides to stage a mock burial of his pseudonym, thus also closing the lid on his main character, Machine, an evil, leather-bound dude with Elvis sideburns who seems to have emerged from the Coens' "Raising Arizona" with a propensity for slashing people with a razor. Naturally, the mock burial causes problems for Machine, who is actually a living, breathing being materialized out of the novels and seeking vengeance by killing everyone who knows Thad. There is a novel twist revolving around Thad and Machine that I will not disclose.

For ambience and a feverish sense of mood (complemented by the occasional use of Elvis' song "Are You Lonesome Tonight?"), "The Dark Half" maintains a sense of unrelenting gloom and doom (hey, it is George A. Romero at the wheel here). Unfortunately, a lot of the film has the standard slasher fare that feels out of context with the theme of duality and an artist's obligation to move on beyond schlock commercialized novels and segue to "real" novels that have something to say (the kind that don't sell). Hutton does a good job of playing both the nonplussed writer and the demonic rock and roll killer from the novels but I sense the depth has been left out of the screenplay. Aside from losing all of Thad's friends and acquaintances to a rampaging killer, the movie never toys with the differences between fiction and reality and Machine (who calls himself George Stark, Thad's pseudonym) is left to be nothing but a cartoonish psycho from dime-store novels. When even Amy Madigan and the do-gooder cop (Michael Rooker) do not seem alarmed by millions of sparrows that would've frightened Hitchcock (not to mention the sight of a decomposing, bandaged killer), then the filmmakers have lost me and my interest. "The Dark Half" is often disquieting and entrancing but it lacks any significant purpose.

Dante's crazed, cartoonish 'burbs tale

SMALL SOLDIERS (1998)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

(Originally reviewed in 1998)

"Small Soldiers" is director Joe Dante doing his latest Gremlins confection and it's mean-spirited fun, once the movie gets its engines rolling.

"Small Soldiers" stars Gregory Smith and Kirsten Dunst as two MUCH TOO CUTE kids with raging hormones who end up battling various reanimated toy soldiers. Chip Hazard (voiced by the typically gruffly Tommy Lee Jones) leads this platoon of robot action figures, and they are equipped to kill rival toys called Gorgonites, led by their soft-spoken leader, Archer (voiced by Frank Langella).

"Small Soldiers" begins badly with a lame introduction about how these toys are created and who their target audience is. The business meetings are led by Denis Leary as a rich tycoon, but all these scenes are unnecessary. What if we never knew how these soldiers were created or what their purpose was? Some things are better left to the imagination.

Once the movie shift gears to suburbia where the toys are sent, it gets better and better with inventive gags and superbly staged cartoonish mayhem. Two of my favorite examples: Chip Hazard searching for the human characters in a helicopter with Wagner's "Ride of the Valkieres" playing in the background, and the Barbie-like dolls who are brought to life in Bride of Frankenstein fashion (complete with the original score) and uttering lines such as, "She's gone postal."

"Small Soldiers" is light fun and frequently funny, though not at the same breath as "Gremlins." It says something about 90's kiddie fantasies, though, when the toy soldiers and monsters are more three-dimensional than the thin human characters on display here, including the late Phil Hartman as an obnoxious neighbor.

Latifah lives it up

LAST HOLIDAY (2006)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

(Originally reviewed in 2006)

The joy of a movie like "Last Holiday" is not so much its ideas but the charisma of its central leading star. Thanks to Queen Latifah, a boisterous, charming actress who is given one of those roles that Whoopi Goldberg only hopes to get, she makes the movie her own with class and gusto. Now, I will admit that I have not seen many of Latifah's movies. I remember her as the sole standout scene-stealer in the mediocre "House Party 2." She also had a memorable role in the electrifying "Chicago." But this movie probably suits her gifts more than I had expected.

Latifah plays a somewhat sullen sales clerk named Georgia Byrd, who works at a big chain store where she also gives cooking lessons. She also cooks up a storm at her house for a young boy next door, usually while watching TV cooking host du jour, Emeril. Georgia, however, chooses not to eat her cooked meals - she prefers Lean Cuisine.

One day, while admiring a co-worker (played by LL Cool J), she bumps her head and is knocked unconscious. Her doctor tells her she has a rare terminal disease and has only 3 weeks to live, maybe less. Rather than waiting for her inevitable demise (her HMO doesn't cover the medical expense of treatment), Georgia quits her job and uses her savings for a kick-ass vacation in the Czech Republic. She stays at the Grand Hotel Pupp, located in a remote mountain top area called the Karlovy Vary. She wears swanky dresses, has a luxurious bedroom with cushy pillows, and delights everyone in the hotel's dining room with her big appetite. She garners the attention of Chef Didier (Gerard Depardieu), who believes that life is simply all about the use of butter.

Also in attendance at this hotel is the arrogant, competitive retail tycoon, Matthew Kragen (Timothy Hutton), who has an affinity for firing people and happens to own the chain of stores that Georgia formerly worked in. Kragen also has a mistress (Alicia Witt), who is not always nice to the staff but learns a thing or two from Georgia. In fact, all the hotel's guests and workers seem renewed in their lives with Georgia's presence. Georgia expresses her need to be open since she's been living in a box for so long (she remarks that she hopes not be buried in one).

Nothing that transpires in "Last Holiday" will come as a surprise to anyone, not even the inevitable ending. What does surprise is Queen Latifah, who exudes grace and beauty in ways that few other actresses ever really accomplish. Oddly, she makes such a predictable, cliched story (previously made with the same title in 1950) seem new and inspired. Latifah has a touching scene where she confesses her past fears and regrets and finds that she has been repressing the joy of life for far too long. This is her moment of shining glory before exiting this world and she will live every moment to its fullest.

Most of the movie's characters are not half as interesting. Timothy Hutton is too good an actor to play a one-dimensional, cold-hearted weasel. Alicia Witt could have been used better, and reliable pros like Michael Nouri and Giancarlo Esposito merely show up as window dressing. Had this movie been made outside the Hollywood system, all the supporting characters would've been more colorfully drawn and carried some weight. A good example is the delectable wit and pathos of something like "Bread and Tulips," which also dealt with a woman feeling a similar sense of renewal on life.

"Last Holiday" has an ending that tries too neatly to wrap up everything, and more amplified scenes with LL Cool J wouldn't have hurt. Still, this is Queen Latifah's show all the way, expressing Georgia's joy with no apologies or restraint. And I'd love to visit that accommodating Grand Hotel Pupp as well.

Who's Knocking at Jill Schoelen's door?

WHEN A STRANGER CALLS BACK (1993)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

(SPOILERS IN FULL FORCE SO BEWARE)

It has been some time since I saw 1979's "When A Stranger Calls" but mostly I remember the extended and scary opening sequence with a frantic Carol Kane on the phone with some mysterious stranger ("Did you check on the children?") Charles Durning played a detective in that one, and both Kane and Durning return for an equally intense, suspenseful sequel, "When a Stranger Calls Back." It is hardly great by any means and it is flawed in its midsection, but you will not be disappointed in the visceral thrills and the compassion provided to make us care for the main characters.

The alert opening scenes set the foreboding mood fairly quickly. Jill Schoelen is Julia, a babysitter who is getting frequent knocks at the front door from some bystander who claims to have car trouble. Julia doesn't let him to use the phone to call the Auto Club, and feigns calling the club and the guy's supposed wife. The situation becomes unbearably tense when the guy knows she did not call anyone (the phone line is dead) and it all ends with a surprise twist that nobody will see coming.

Forward five years later and Julia, sporting a mullet to presumably hide her identity (though still using her same name), is a college student who senses that the same predator has been in her apartment, thanks to the appearance of a child's shirt in her closet. She triple bolts the entrance to her apartment on the third floor yet the predator still sneaks into her apartment, and sometimes through her window (though there is no fire escape). This is hard to buy even for a psychological suspense film fan like myself because people do not just materialize into people's houses and apartments out of thin air, especially if you live in the third floor. If he was a supernatural being, or maybe the Devil's emissary, I might believe it but this guy is simply a ventriloquist who does his act in blackface!

Enter returnee Carol Kane as the victim from the original film, Jill, who is now a grief counselor working at a crisis center. She knows Julia's pain and believes that someone is after the poor co-ed. Charles Durning's retired detective from the original film is summoned to find the predator - how he establishes the guy is a ventriloquist is never clear. But there are more pressing questions. What happened to the children whom Julia babysitted in the opening sequence? Sure, they disappeared and were never found again but if they were murdered, why would this mental waste of a human predator do such a thing? It occurred to me that he only wants to taunt Julia, which is mostly what he does very effectively in the chilling 25-minute opener. Why take the kids, except to suggest that middle-class or well-to-do American families living in big houses are only living an illusion? That might explain his ventriloquist act, easily one of the best scenes in the film where the spotlight is on the puppet that has no face and the psycho remains in the dark (in blackface). This mentally deficient psycho has made a point, but the sequence would have been more effective had it taken place in a performance theater setting, not a titty bar.

I do not always need motives to understand deranged psychos but a psychological thriller like this one needs a tad more depth. Also, among many loose ends (thanks to my wife who brought up a few that escaped me the first couple of times I saw the film) is the rather unfair scene where Julia is practically comatose after shooting herself in the head, or did she? It is out-of-character for Julia but in one extremely emotional scene, Julia explains to the detective that she feels she has no future, no friends and, therefore, perhaps no real existence. I am all for film directors injecting surprises into the narrative, but a comatose Jill Schoelen who disappears in the last third of the film is asking for a little trouble. Naturally, the psycho now turns his taunting voice on Kane's Jill but why except to do a reprise of the original film?

Directed by Fred Walton (who also helmed the original), "When A Stranger Calls Back" is purely a thriller exercise with three terrific actors giving the film an infusion of humanity and heart (Jill Schoelen's performance alone rates the film higher than expected which is why, once again, it is shameful to make her character disappear from the story until the last shot). This is no slasher film by any means (the killer played by Gene Lythgow has a certain degree of innocence dripping with rage) - instead it is an absorbing and contemplative suspense thriller but it ends a little too abruptly. Still, there is such a bravura finish in addition to so many other aspects that do work (Durning alone could make any film work just by showing up) that I rate this as a sufficiently scary film despite the loopholes. After all is said and done, though, you come away wishing for more meat in its riveting bones.   

Sinbad wants to get rich quick

HOUSEGUEST (1995)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Sinbad and SNL vet Phil Hartman should strike comic gold in more ways than one. Only "Houseguest" is content with being minimally and evasively funny, not laugh-out-loud funny and not built for comic gold. More like comedy barely skidding on the shaved pieces of slate rock.

Sinbad is Kevin Franklin, a "loser" to some who has borrowed money from the mob and lives for the day he can score some lottery winnings. He also invests in baseball cards that nobody wants and other get-rich-quick-schemes. Since the mob is after him, Kevin pretends to be Derek, a dentist buddy of Gary Young's (Phil Hartman) - Gary is a lawyer in the whitest suburbia you will ever see (even Gary's Edgar-Allan-Poe-loving daughter is about as white as porcelain). Gary has not seen his friend, Derek, in 20-plus-years and looks forward to watching his friend display his gifts for golf, dentistry and tasting elegant wines. Naturally Kevin doesn't possess any of these gifts, nor can he pretend to be vegetarian when the local McDonald's is a few blocks away.

Sinbad is a likable performer with a goofy grin but he has precious few scenes where he can really expand the cliched mistaken identity premise. For one, Sinbad doesn't even closely resemble the dentist he is impersonating, and you wonder why students and faculty from nearby institutions don't just pick one of the books the dentist authored and note the deception. For another, Phil Hartman is not used well here, and the notion that his home life is a wreck and that he can't stand up to his racist boss (Mason Adams) is simply marking time. Kevin is the savior of the family in scenes that are as sappy and falsely emotional as they can get, and he learns to be himself. But the get-rich-quick Kevin we see at the beginning of the movie is a lot more interesting than the sanitized Kevin who feels an obligation to Gary's family. Nothing here you haven't seen before.

"Houseguest" is poorly edited and shaped, with strange mini-dissolves during a golf cart fiasco that goes on way past the tolerable meter and frantically cut chase scenes that serve little to no purpose. The mob characters are played by actors who mug incessantly to the point way past and beyond Italian stereotypes. Kim Griest is the displaced wife of Gary's, so displaced that it looks like many of her scenes were left in the cutting room floor. But there is one of the eeriest and most displaced performances in the movie by Kim Murphy as Gary's daughter, who is searching for her family's love in a manner that belongs to a different movie altogether. Sinbad survives unscathed when the movie is over - the rest might seek comic therapy elsewhere.

Citizenfour is not playing at a theater near you

CITIZENFOUR - UNJUSTLY IGNORED BY THE MASS MEDIA

Laura Poitras, Glenn Greenwald

By Jerry Saravia

 As of November 9th, 2014, "Citizenfour" (the Edward Snowden documentary) has been playing in 51 theaters in the United States and has grossed in excess of 665,000 dollars. Why do I mention such box-office statistics? Because in a climate where comic-book franchises and some respectable Hollywood films in the fall season get released in over thousands of theaters, "Citizenfour" is being unjustly ignored by movie houses and practically all media outlets. I do not recall seeing a single television ad for the film, nor any interviews with the controversial filmmaker herself Laura Poitras nor the Guardian newspaper's own Glenn Greenwald on any TV talk shows of any kind (with the exception of Democracy Now! and Charlie Rose). Even a popular talk show like "The View," which has had its share of controversial political figures such as the revolting Ann Coulter or the polarizing Bill Maher, have not touched on the film nor discussed it (especially odd when you consider Nicole Wallace, the sole Republican and former advisor to Sarah Palin, is one of the hosts of the show). Of course, we have not seen interviews with Edward Snowden regarding the film, but that is to be expected since he is currently living in Russia for the next three years (I would rule out a satellite fed interview on the View, but disgraced former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich - no problem). Let's not rule out an appearance by the filmmaker or Glenn Greenwald at least on "Real Time with Bill Maher."

Maybe a gradual re-focus may occur since the film will be screened at the DOC/NY festival on November 18th, or perhaps if it is nominated for an Academy Award for Best Documentary. It could be that the film is being purposely downsized from its historical importance (and what Edward Snowden did was historic, love him or hate him, traitor or patriot) because it unveils the U.S. government's privacy invasion and intrusion in our daily lives (over a million-plus people are on a watchlist who are not terrorist suspects). Or maybe those who see Snowden as a traitor will not have a vested interested in seeing the film, thus blocking it is seen as the American thing to do. Still, the polarizing Oliver Stone is making a biographical film about Snowden having just cast Joseph Gordon-Levitt as the CIA/NSA whistleblower. As for "Citizenfour," the film is mandatory viewing, a taut, suspenseful and highly critical film about a post-9/11 environment where privacy invasion is legal (contrary to the Constitution) and forces the viewer to think how such massive, unwarranted surveillance is allowed. The fact that few in the mainstream media are discussing it or its relevance is to show that maybe Edward Snowden did the right thing - when you expose ugly truths about America, you and your film have to hide from the radar, from the national dialogue for fear of further retribution and unwarranted ridicule. Or maybe we should just focus on Pat Sajak's fake anger during a recent "Wheel of Fortune" segment.