Watch a B-movie from "Something Weird" instead

 FILM HOUSE FEVER (1986)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

A curio is a curio until it ceases being a curio and becomes a something of a rarefied piece of junk. Such is the case with "Film House Fever" which is nothing short of an empty void filled with some sort of stench.

Steve Buscemi and Mark Boone Junior (both friends in real life) play B-movie junk food aficionados who watch movies on three TV's! This is all they apparently do and Mark Boone seems to be the one that becomes a zombie for watching too many movies. They hear of a "from Dusk till Dawn" film festival which only seems to show trailers and short segments of B-movies and grade Z zilch (this is an all-night film festival?)  Then it turns out the theater is inhabited by actual zombies who attack our two so-called movie snobs. That's all folks.

Amateurish to a fault and unwatchable from beginning to end, it resembles something cobbled together if you spent time with friends on a weekend shooting a movie on 16mm and editing it the same weekend at a non-profit TV station (nothing wrong with that because I've done it myself). At 58 minutes though, it feels 5 hours too long. It is great to see early "performances" by Steve Buscemi and Mark Boone Junior yet that is its only novelty. "Film House Fever" is best forgotten like any piece of grade Z junk.

Strictly the King of Rock and Roll

 ELVIS (2022)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Baz Luhrmann's "Elvis" is a 24-carat, gold-studded, immensely entertaining knockout of a rock and roll movie musical. There have been other film adaptations of Elvis Presley's life but this one offers more personal touches and gets deeper, especially the relationship between him and Colonel Tom Parker. 

I have to say that while watching the first half-hour of "Elvis," I felt I was being contained and thrown around through a barrage of images that dissolve in and out of each other - basically, I felt cut out of the movie. I love Luhrmann's "Moulin Rouge" which was itself a montage movie musical where no shot lasted longer than 3 seconds. I was praying that Luhrmann was not going for that headache-inducing approach which would, I originally thought, not work for someone like Elvis - it could threaten any emotional investment you might have in any character. After a while, though, I was carried along by it because the musical influences on Elvis and the discovery of Elvis as a new singer to contend with kept me happily hooked and I stopped feeling like I was being jerked around from one corner of the frame to the other. 

Austin Butler plays Elvis, through the 1950's up until his death, and I first thought he looked nothing like Elvis - Butler looks more like Val Kilmer channeling Elvis. But, once again, even if the looks are a tad dissimilar, the most important aspect is that Butler captures the swagger and  no-frills attitude of Elvis. There are moments where time stands still, as in Presley's attempt to sing on stage during the Hank Snow tour. The audience waits, the silence creeps in, and then Elvis starts singing - it is a cliched moment in musical biopics but it still works. He gyrates, vibrates his hips and makes the women go crazy screaming - he's a sexual animal using every muscle below his torso to engineer excitement for the audience and for himself. Elvis's mother is also in attendance and she is more than nonplussed by this, not to mention his strict, money-hungry manager Col. Parker (Tom Hanks, an atypical performance). After Elvis gets permission to sing by having his parents sign the contract (Elvis was still a minor at this point), the world discovers that the man with rock and roll swagger can sing and transport the audience in ways nobody imagined (many at the time, including Parker before he met the King, thought Elvis was black). That swagger and his gyrations were too hot for TV at the time, so Elvis had to dial it down. He had to dial down so much that he was drafted into the Army and was stationed in Germany where he met Priscilla Presley (the reasons he was inducted are not all accurate but it was a method per Parker to illustrate the King as a good old American boy with a crewcut). The rest is history, and his death was far too premature due to imbibing alcohol and every drug prescribed to him under the sun during his Vegas years.

"Elvis" does have its faults, especially in including Elvis' songs performed by others on the soundtrack during Elvis' prime years (to be clear, these play on the soundtrack and not while he's singing). Those cover songs feel like an intrusion though I do love the depiction of black rhythm and blue guitarists and the gospel singers from Tupelo in Elvis's younger years - you can see how young blonde Elvis is immediately entranced and influenced by them (in a church, he seems to collapse in their arms as if possessed which adds to his later Vegas performances where he is similarly possessed). Another issue is that Priscilla Presley (Olivia DeJonge) is introduced as a young girl he dates (though you wouldn't know it from watching that she was in reality a fan) and then, presto, she's his wife and then she disappears for a little while, shows up to calm Elvis during the news of political assassinations, then she is a regular in the audience showing emotional support, and then they get divorced. The movie skims their relationship unlike Elvis' love and affection for his mother (exceedingly well-cast Helen Thomson) - what I love about the mother is she's shown as someone who believes in her famous son despite his wiggle and his energetic gyrations (" The way you sing is God-given, so there can't be nothin' wrong with it."). Of course, we can't have everything when we have an Elvis movie (reportedly there is a 4 hour cut) but I wish the Priscilla relationship was beefed up.

The main focus of "Elvis" is Parker's unending attachment to Elvis to the point of controlling every aspect of his life - he sees Elvis as a money-making machine that can help with Parker's notorious gambling debts. Though Elvis's family claims Parker was a "wonderful man," there is no denying that Parker was a greedy bastard yet Tom Hanks plays him as a lovable loser who goes too far. The scene of Parker's incredulous and emotional reaction through a glass reflection of Elvis singing the glorious "If I Can Dream" at the famous 1968 TV comeback special is something to witness. We still know Parker wants to sweat every cent out of Elvis yet we do get a momentary glimpse of Parker's recognition of the kid's super talents. 

"Elvis" is a sonic boom of a movie, a cinematic odyssey of one outstanding flourish of images and colorful montages after another. This is Baz Lurhmann on hyperdrive and not one moment or image feels out of league with the story of the King of Rock N' roll. Even when Baz calms things down, there is a genuine, mystical power in seeing Austin Butler giving every ounce of himself over to the King. The movie is a workout for those who loves stable images and simplified editing but Elvis's life was too haywire to merit too much stability. 

The Eyes of Karen Black say it all

 CAN SHE BAKE A CHERRY PIE? (1983)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

I once met Karen Black at a Chiller Theater convention in the early 2000's. She signed an autograph for me and was quite moved that I picked a "Family Plot" picture for her to sign ("Family Plot" was of course Hitchcock's last film). When she looked at me, her hypnotic, witchy eyes left me feeling as if I was put in a trance. It was amazing to see her look at me this way. That is why she is so perfectly and believably romantic, goofy and kooky all at the same time in "Can She Bake a Cherry Pie?" which is among Karen Black's finest performances ever. When a man looks at her, he can't help but be transfixed and how could he not be? 

Zee (Karen Black) is unable to deal with her husband leaving her. At first, I thought he was a boyfriend who had to leave for work but then we see him packing his clothes while she puts them back in the drawers and vice versa! Meanwhile, we hear the jackhammerin' outside and director Henry Jaglom has an annoying habit of cutting from the jackhammering to Zee pleading with her husband to stay, back and forth and back and forth. Oh, God, why? I still don't understand the juxtaposition nor do I understand how Jaglom frequently has his team of editors just barely cut by slivers at the end of many scenes so you get an occasionally abrupt transition that feels out of step. It works in some films but here, there are many scenes that have a simple beauty, like the guy playing with a pigeon that flies to his hand on command in long takes without abrupt cuts. The former is just an editing pattern that you can ignore due to the cast and our engaging involvement with Zee. 

The movie is primarily about Zee though not always from her point-of-view. In one stunningly moving scene, Zee starts to sob trying to order a meal at a local cafe and a near-balding social worker, Eli (Michael Emil, a true original in this type of movie), tries to comfort her. He succeeds in making her laugh and the rest of this atypical romantic comedy has them frolicking in the city, frolicking in bed while he measures his heartbeat, and then they start to really talk to each other. Zee panics and thinks people from the cafe where she met Eli are following her, yet Emil doesn't judge and tries to calm her down. Zee sometimes sings at an underpopulated bar, and sometimes she watches Orson Welles on TV doing magic tricks (I wouldn't doubt some of this footage is from Jaglom's "A Safe Place"). 

Zee sees beauty in the everyday, even in the concrete jungle of New York City. Eli loves her for that reason and these scenes really got to me on an emotional level. Karen Black encapsulates Zee's inner and outer beauty flawlessly so that when she sings, we are touched by this emotional wreck of an angel. "Can She Bake a Cherry Pie?" is awkwardly shaped at times with the introduction of needless characters at the cafe (including a very young, almost unrecognizable Larry David and that annoying pigeon expert) and though some of these interactions are cute, they do not merit half the attention we want from Zee and Eli. Zee finds some measure of hope, of belonging to someone like Eli whom you might least expect to discover such a capable romantic partner. We see it in her eyes and they do not lie. Those hypnotic, witchy eyes. 

Paul and Mary would kill to own a restaurant

 EATING RAOUL (1982)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

"Eating Raoul" is not a lacerating black comedy or satire, nor does it try to go over-the-top firing on all cylinders at its targets. There is quite a bit of charm to it despite its potentially disturbing subject matter and its almost demure flatness is itself part of the joke. And it is a great funny joke that exploits its premise to no end at a cool and inventively hilarious 83 minutes.

What happens when a liquor store clerk and his shapely nurse of a wife run a swingers newspaper ad and confront all sorts of male chauvinist creeps? Well, they hit each one of them on the head with a frying pan, that's what. Paul Bartel is Paul Bland and Mary Woronov is Mary Bland, and their interest in swinging with any sexual fantasy welcomed by the client is initiated because they need money to buy a restaurant. Paul and Mary sleep in separate beds because they do not engage in sex! Mary is consistently sexually harassed at work and when she applies for a loan. When it comes to the sexual swinging, the men are aggressive as well and Paul and Mary think nothing of murdering their wealthy clients and taking their money. An orgy is attended by the matter-of-factly couple and let's say they make a killing.

A professional thief who is also a smooth locksmith, Raoul (a delightfully suave performance by Robert Beltran), is on to the couple and wants to assist in these murders as long as he gets a percentage of the profits. When Paul gets wind that Raoul is pleasuring Mary thanks to smoking a Thai stick, he asks for help from a dominatrix (Susan Saiger) who doubles as an INS agent, a nurse and a blind nun just to get Raoul out of the way. It almost works and these scenes made me double over with laughter.

I avoided "Eating Raoul" for years because I thought it was some sort of cannibalistic comedy and cannibalism is a subject I can do without (regardless of my perverse love for "The Silence of the Lambs"). Truth is it is anything but (though there is a feast involving eating raw meat though it is so understated that you can't possibly be offended by it). "Eating Rauol" turns out to be one of the most raucous, perfectly straight love stories you might see involving a murdering couple. Paul and Mary are not exactly amoral - they just see this killing spree as another way of making money without any regard to the consequences or the humanity of their clients (many of them are creeps and attack and attempt to rape Mary without any prior knowledge that they are to be killed by frying pan!) To the Blands, it is all fun and games that is justified as long as they attain their capitalist goal of owning a restaurant serving Bland food. Their happiness extends to that American dream and their love for each other than runs deeper than anyone thinks. Watching Paul Bartel and Mary Woronov discuss their future and their expenditures while corpses are being dragged out of their apartment in trash bags kept me laughing throughout. It is absurdist and so uniquely clever and engaging that I can't imagine seeing it less than twice.

Broken Reels

 CRIMEWAVE (1985)

An Escaped Review, not a Releasable Review 

by Jerry Saravia

"Crimewave" is a delirious puzzle of a movie - actually, it is a puzzle and I hesitate calling it a movie. Its got two killers on the loose (bug exterminators) with maniacal glee in their eyes and a cackling laughter that just might turn you off in the first few minutes. It has Bruce Campbell deliciously playing a heel (the best performance in the film). It also has Sheree J. Wilson as some glamorous 1940's-type woman who hates heels and presumably nerds. Speaking of nerds or wonky vulnerable men, it has one (Reed Birney) who tells this whole bizarre story before his scheduled electrocution in prison for allegedly killing people. I hesitate calling this a story but this "story" also has nuns who have a 40-year vow of silence. And there's Louise Lasser as some housewife. 

"Crimewave" is directed, or rather shaped into a shapeless monstrosity, by Sam Raimi who has done infinitely better. It is ostensibly written by the Coen Brothers who wisely started directing their own scripts after this - I say ostensibly because they feel like words on the page but they do not form complete sentences. I simply gave up trying to figure this incredibly tedious effort out - a sort of deeply inconsistent cross between 40's noir, farcical comedy and a chase picture with an anarchic spirit. Yep, it is pure anarchy and not much else. The version I saw did not have the title "Crimewave," it was titled "Broken Hearts and Broken Noses" (This was the San Diego test market title). Broken Reels is a more appropriate title.

Unemployment never keeps you down

 RAINING STONES (1993)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

When a couple of unemployed workers from Manchester stoop as low as grabbing a sheep and trying to sell it as meat to local butchers, you can't imagine things getting any lower. Only Ken Loach's "Raining Stones" does go lower and one of them, Bob, faces a moral crisis.

An unemployed plumber, Bob (Bruce Jones), is trying to support his wife, Anne (Julie Brown) and their young daughter, Coleen (Gemma Phoenix), who is getting ready for her first Communion. Naturally she needs a Communion dress and though the local priest says there is no shame in giving her one of their pristine dresses, Bob stubbornly says he will buy her one - he has to keep his pride (and the poor guy just had his green van stolen). Plumbing is something Bob tries from door-to-door unsuccessfully. His good friend, Tommy (Ricky Tomlinson), is also unemployed and feels shame in accepting money from his daughter who is presumably making a killing in selling perfume, makeup, etc. Bob and Tommy try everything from selling sheep meat, to cutting patches of grass to sell to a landscaping company - that's just what they do in pairs. Bob tries his hand at bouncing at a nightclub which ends with him spotting Tommy's daughter selling drugs - he is fired for being unable to prove that any drug pushing took place. This is a curious moment because Bob never tells Tommy that he spotted her. Everyone is going through enough turmoil.

"Raining Stones" is practically a documentary of the Manchester working class during a depression where financial woes and unemployment can cause a strain in families. Nothing new about that notion yet Ken Loach makes Bob and Tommy not into losers but rather optimistic men who are trying their damnedest to work for a living. He wants to keep his youngest daughter Coleen happy, to make his wife happy, yet he keeps making mistakes. A subplot involving Bob getting a loan from a tough loan shark is very intense and dramatically satisfying because we know it is all about the Communion dress. If Bob can make anyone happy, it won't be himself - it will be his daughter.

Whether it is the working class conditions from Glasgow in Bill Forsyth's "That Sinking Feeling" or Mike Leigh's own British tales of woe ("Naked" is one of his most powerful), I have a deep admiration for such stories because they are about people struggling yet nothing stops them from trying. "Raining Stones" is one tale of woe that kept me on the edge of my seat. I worried for Bob and his family and hoped that he would get out of the troubling financial situations he was in and find a job. Never has that seemed so meaningful and potent as in "Raining Stones." 

Art as salvation through the supernatural

 THE DARK STRANGER (2015)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Canadian horror films I've seen typically seem to skimp on gore and go straight for the jugular, so to speak (except maybe for director David Cronenberg). "The Dark Stranger" has some creative blood effects that do not overwhelm and yet the story doesn't seem to jell between the artist with suicidal tendencies and the art world, the process of creating. Can someone who creates a world that suffers from depression actually do it without medication, or is it willed by something supernatural?

Katie Findlay (Leah Garrison), who looks like Emmy Rossum's younger sister, refuses to leave the house and hardly ever takes a shower. She lives with her brother, an aspiring musician, and her understanding and devoted father, both of whom she cooks dinner for. Katie's mother committed suicide and left behind some drawings that has piqued someone's interest in showing them at a gallery. Katie can't bring herself to draw but when she stops taking her meds, the creative juices start flowing. Only this is not the usual creative streak that she can enjoy - something beyond her forces her to sketch drawings for a graphic novel called "The Dark Stranger." Of course, we the audience start to think this is all in her head but it turns out that by drawing these pages, a supernatural force has been summoned and wants her to finish the graphic novel. He is the Dark Stranger.

Writer-director Chris Trebilcock could have taken this in ways where reality and fantasy sometimes merge yet the distinction may remain at arm's length, at least from Katie's point-of-view. Trebilcock chickens out when he goes down the usual well-travelled path of horror films (though there is nothing as wretched here as the misshapen "Cellar Dweller" from 1988), and I won't say where that path leads but I think you can guess where. Somehow this occasionally tepid script avoids really dealing with Katie's depression. The set up is terrific and the first half-hour or so really forms the slightly dysfunctional family unit. Leah Garrison gives an amazingly potent performance as Katie and her mood swings feel completely realistic, especially when it leads to cutting herself. I also enjoyed Enrico Colantoni as the father who is troubled by Katie and her visions and still hopes she will come out of it. Also worth noting is Stephen McHattie as the Dark Stranger and a real-life stranger, an art curator, who is far too interested in Katie's mother's drawings - talk about potency, McHattie is a bit underused here but he still has a fiery presence.

"The Dark Stranger" has some intriguing ideas and I love the drawings of this graphic novel and how they come to life. I just wished it went further and that it did not progressively ignore Katie's mental breakdown and/or illness. Art is her salvation but only in a supernaturally superficial kind of way. 

Late Night Neo-Noir

 CALL ME (1988)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Within the first few minutes of "Call Me," it is easy to figure this as yet another late-night thriller curiosity that you should only watch late at night. We see a young brunette emerge from the shower, quickly answering the ringing landline phone only to find it is her boyfriend who wants her badly. He asks to meet her at the Polish Bar in New York City. She arrives and finds no boyfriend, only some creeps like a corrupt murdering cop and a murdered transvestite in the bathroom who was only collecting cash. Just another day in New York. As I said, easy to write off yet something strange happens in this film, it pulls you in and you go along for a ride that makes some unpredictable stops along the way.

Patricia Charbonneau (who had her sensational debut in "Desert Hearts") is Anna, a newspaper columnist who writes for a section called "Street Scene." Anna lives all alone in her apartment. Her boyfriend (Sam Freed) acts like a friend who stops by occasionally and they seem to have no sex life. Anna's predicament at the Polish Bar leads to more obscene phone calls from someone she thought was her boyfriend. Now she starts to think the obscene caller is a blonde-haired customer at that bar (Stephen McHattie) who may be embroiled in some bad business involving a crooked cop and a basic crook (Steve Buscemi, whose role here is no different than the one he played in "Fargo"). She can't bring herself to stop talking to the obscene caller, though she also keeps hanging up on him. Anna eventually engages in phone sex involving an orange (cue food items from "9 1/2 Weeks") and then her boyfriend shows up unannounced watching her!

Believe it or not based on the plot description, I was really taken by "Call Me." It is not an overriding success since it tackles some disparate plot elements, including the two hoodlums, the cop, Anna's neighbor who is enamored with her, the neglectful boyfriend who's also a junk food critic, and one too many scenes of Anna's best friend (Patti D'Arbanville) who wears too many layers of clothing. Sure, if "Call Me" had explored the world of phone sex and obscene callers nary the thriller elements, it might have proved to be more psychological. Still, "Call Me" is fascinating and absorbing on a perverse level - a sort of late-night neo noir thriller with an unexpected ending that seems just perfect. The obscene caller is not who we think it is either, and McHattie (who is most arresting in perfectly composed poses and never says much) strikes a nerve - we wonder about him and his allegiance to the criminal underworld. Charbonneau is too naive a journalist and she makes one too many mistakes yet I was entranced by her performance - she makes us care even when she does stupid things (like she could have exited through the bathroom window of that bar to avoid detection after that opening transvestite murder scene). Charbonneau and McHattie occupy a world where nothing is what it seems and if the film followed up on these two fascinating characters, it might have been a boozy noir masterpiece. As it stands, it is an absorbing and perverse noir thriller. Watch it late at night for maximum effect. 

Easy paycheck for Charles Bronson

 DEATH WISH 3 (1985)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

"Death Wish 3" is the junkiest and most hilariously bad Charles Bronson flick ever. Never mind consistency because aside from Bronson returning to his paycheck role as urban vigilante Paul Kersey, this movie has no real connection to the other "Death Wish" films that preceded it. Sure, there is mention of Kersey's murdered wife from the first film but that is it. Nothing here is remotely credible yet there is one major consistency - it is laughable from start to finish.

How laughable. Consider the moment where Kersey is in a gang controlled part of East New York and goes out in the streets with the intent to mow down a gang member. He brings along a Nikon camera that he carries over his shoulder as bait, and his ultra Magnum gun (a Wildey .475 Magnum) hidden in his jacket. A gang member named "The Grinner" (Kirk Taylor) steals his camera and Paul Kersey shoots him and everyone applauds! Another victory for Paul Kersey! Yahoo! This should have been a scene in a parody of "Death Wish," not an actual sequel that should be gritty yet the grit is mostly shown via the trash on the streets (and I do mean actual garbage and strewn newspapers). But the whole movie unintentionally plays like a joke, from the nonsensical use of a synthesizer score at the most inappropriate moments to Martin Balsam as a fed-up WWII vet who has a machine gun he can't operate (though Paul, who served in Korea, knows how to use it) to killings of gang members who drive by and crash into other vehicles that explode on impact. You know, a cheesy Cannon Films production of East New York that was partially shot in London (how Kubrickian).

There is the nonsensical inclusion of Deborah Raffin as a public defender who is also killed in a car crash with an explosion on impact! She has a brief love affair with Kersey so you know she will be offed. Gavan O'Herlihy is the recently imprisoned gang leader who kills another gang leader by slicing their throat, and the others all applaud as if the guy made a touchdown! This is the kind of movie where violence is celebrated at every interval. And when Kersey kills gang members, the police show up (despite the police chief giving Paul the right to kill) but when the neighborhood citizens are attacked or killed - the police never arrive. Add to that one tasteless and unnecessary rape scene that was thankfully trimmed and another where a woman is dragged out screaming about to be raped - these moments recall the original films yet their tacked-on inclusion only gives an excuse for Paul's extreme vigilantism which includes using a rocket launcher. Despite those titillating scenes, there is still Ed Lauter as the chief of police eventually joining forces with Paul and you've got "Death Wish 3" which is never boring and trimmed to a tight 93 minutes. It is not a good movie (unlike the original 1974 flick) or a heinously bad one (not unlike "Death Wish II"), just laughable and dumb with no pretensions. Easy paycheck day for Charles Bronson. 

The Garden of Eden is an abandoned factory

 THE PROPHECY II (1998)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Whatever promise the original "The Prophecy" had is lost on the filmmakers with this cheap. darkly lit, quickly pasted together sequel that will make you wish the horror genre did not bounce back after the success of "Scream."

The Second War of the Angels rages on as the angel Danyael (Russell Wong) is nearly killed in a car accident by an RN named Valerie (Jennifer Beals). Danyael forgives her by impregnating her with the sole savior to be - the one who will set right from wrong in the heavens and beyond. Not unless Gabriel
(Christopher Walken) can help it, as he continues his quest of bringing "heaven back to what it was. When we mattered most." Gabriel is relentless and uses a human named Izzy (Brittany Murphy from "Clueless") as a "monkey" for his merciless killings - pulling beating hearts from eyeless angels. Izzy has the best line as Gabriel is unable to drive a car or operate a PC: "You are keeping me alive so you can use DOS?"

Walken keeps things afloat but there is precious little of him. We are subjected to countless scenes of violent beatings, pumping hearts, car crashes, and many canted angles inside churches, alleys, and abandoned factories (some scenes are so dark that it is impossible to discern what is happening). Oh, and there is one heavy sex scene of course. Did I mention the Garden of Eden is one of those abandoned factories?

Beals is purely uncharismatic and devoid of energy throughout this whole affair - she seems unaffected by all the crazy events around her. Murphy as the frazzled "monkey" has some quirky moments but not to the degree that Adam Goldberg's "monkey" had in the original. Eric Roberts also grates the nerves as
the angel Michael - what happened to the wonderful actor from" Pope of Greenwich Village" and "Star 80"?

The original "Prophecy" had humor and horror in equal spurts and had some degree of conviction and atmosphere. There was also a level of poignance as I recall with the possessed Native American child and her relationship with a good angel. This sequel is in-name only in the most literal sense - there is no
horror, no thrills, no humor, no sympathy and no real stake in anything concrete. Seen one prophecy, seen them all.

Angels not feeling God's love

THE PROPHECY (1995)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Make no mistake: "The Prophecy" is not one of the great horror films of all time nor is it on my list among the best, but it is as intelligent and hallucinatory a demon/angel horror flick as we are likely to say for some time. And it is Christopher Walken who transcends its murky storyline.

The film is set in a small Arizona community where there are no secrets, and somehow this is an existential resting area for the archangels and demons from above and beyond. There is the sweet, bearded angel Simon (Eric Stoltz) who takes the souls of humans with him by sucking their breath (a reminder of the breath-sucking gremlin in "Cat's Eye") - in this case, he has taken the soul of the most vile human corpse on earth, a general. The archangel Gabriel (Christopher Walken) is continuing the Second War of the Angels by trying to prevent Simon from continuing his soul-sucking methods - he wants the souls for himself. Somehow, this all relates to a brooding homicide detective (Elias Koteas) who almost became a priest, an elementary school teacher (Virginia Madsen), a Native American child who may or may not be possessed, and so on. We see eyeless angels, morgues, burned corpses, demons chained to rocks, visions of angels impaled in a vast horizon, war atrocities on grainy film stock, and it is all done with style to spare and never gratuitous or exploitative.

"The Prophecy" never makes much sense and I never quite understood Gabriel's intentions - does he want to rule the heavens by taking a few souls or is he just mad at God? Some of this is supposedly based on Milton's "Paradise Lost,"
but it would have been more productive if Lucifer was the one bent on vengeance against all, including God. After all, Lucifer was a former angel, "The Bringer of Light," until he was cast down in Hell after questioning God's blind faith.
The main impetus of the film is that the angels got jealous and felt God did not love them anymore when He gave humans souls but since angels are not human anyway, what do they care?

The main attraction is the tall, entertaining wonder known as Christopher Walken - his trademark tics and maneuvering of body language keeps me interested and riveted from one film to the next. His piercing eyes and offbeat humor are enough compensation and justified when playing a miffed angel like Gabriel - imagine what he could have done as the Tall Man in "Phantasm."

"The Prophecy" is a fitful blend of humor and horror and tends to be over-the-top - Viggo Mortensen overacts and undermines as Lucifer during the fiery finale. Still, it is unusual and enlightening to see a horror film concerned with so much biblical jargon and wars between angels. Milton would have been proud.

Thank God for Black and Decker

 FORCE: FIVE (1981)
Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Robert Clouse's "Force: Five" is so darn funny for the first half-hour that it is hard to say if it was meant to be "intentionally" funny. I almost thought it was a parody of karate and/or kung-fu films and I thought I was right when Master Bong Soo Han (who was beautifully cast in the parodic "The Kentucky Fried Chicken Movie" playing the same role) appeared playing a Mr. Han-type villain who masquerades as a spiritual cult leader (to the cinematically uninformed, Mr. Han was the main villain in "Enter the Dragon"). The laughs almost continued when I saw a giant bull inside a maze chasing helpless victims. Tedium set in quickly after a man is pulled apart by ropes attached to a couple of vehicles, and this type of kill was later utilized rather tastelessly in 1986's "The Hitcher." Except for a few moments of alleged humor towards the climax, "Force: Five" feels like somebody hit the snooze button.

The main sticking point with an "Enter the Dragon" clone like this is that the five martial-arts fighters are not the most charismatic group (their introductions barely elicit a specific character trait.) Joe Lewis (in his film debut role) can punch and kick like no one's business yet he doesn't hold the screen when he starts talking. Neither does Benny Urquidez who does perform a few flying kicks. What's worse is that these fights are not staged very well and the timing is sometimes off. Worst sin of all is that this movie is directed by Clouse who helmed "Enter the Dragon" - geez, even his "Golden Needles" was superior to this and had a snappier pace. We get some unexciting fight scenes on an island that looks like an unspecified camping site. Most notable is the presence of Amanda Wyss as a senator's daughter whom Force Five is trying to rescue from this island - she has a vivid personality and sticks out from the rest of this amateurish cast. "Force: Five" is fatally hampered by its own mediocrity and lack of "intentional" humor.      

You've got to have attitude

 A FORCE OF ONE (1979)

A Look Back by Jerry Saravia

It is easy to confuse nostalgia over critical thinking. "A Force of One" was the first Chuck Norris flick I ever saw in theaters and I was about 7 or 8 at the time when I saw it. My father took me to see it because he wanted me to learn karate and become a Black Belt. This movie did not inspire me but I was more than taken by Bill "Superfoot" Wallace's high kicks and spinning back kick. He stood out from the rest of the film's largely unmemorable characters. So I went to karate school and I failed miserably - I couldn't deliver a kick nor could I jump over a wooden pole. Let's just say that "A Force of One" and "Enter the Dragon" inspired my father's interest in karate (who was already a major Bruce Lee fan) more than me. 

Just the other day I decided to watch "A Force of One" for the first time in 40 plus years. My reaction: it is a standard-issue karate thriller with little to no imagination. The serial killer known as the "Karate Killer" is killing undercover cops who are getting to close to the truth regarding the sale of angel dust. Most of the movie seems like a TV police thriller with the focus on Jennifer O'Neill as one of the cops and there are reliable pros like Clu Culager and Ron O'Neal (who may be a dirty cop) but the thinner-than-loose-leaf plot is, for its time, right out of an episode of "Adam-12." Chuck Norris is not too wooden in his role but he had improved his choice of roles with later films like "Code of Silence" and "Lone Wolf McQuade." The fight scenes are adequate though there is a reliance on slow-motion during the epic fight between Bill Wallace and Chuck Norris that looks a mite silly. 

"A Force of One" is adequate enough though often boring during the police procedural segments. It is an uneven blend of karate and police thriller genres and Jennifer O'Neal and good old Chucky have little to no fireworks between them. Actually there are sparks (no pun intended) between Bill's character "Sparky" and Jennifer in one short scene. Looking back, the movie is nothing special but it holds a place in my heart for introducing me to Chuck Norris, so I can thank my father for that and for introducing my young self to karate. The karate didn't work out yet like this movie, we both tried.