CONAN THE DESTROYER (1984)
Reviewed by Jerry Saravia
Arnold Schwarzenegger established a career as an action star with "Conan The Barbarian," one of the best sword-and-sorcery flicks ever made. As written and directed by John Milius, it was a film of gestures and body language - imagine a comic-book with illustrations of swordsmen and pythons come to life. Hence, a sequel was quickly dispatched to cinemas known as "Conan the Destroyer," a hardly invigorating sequel with none of the juice or energy of the original.
Schwarzenegger reprises his role as the muscle-bound barbarian who handles a sword better than anyone - he also has the strength of ten thousand men. Conan is recruited by a persuasive queen (Sarah Douglas) to aid a virgin princess (Olivia D'Abo) to some crystal palace where a stone of some kind exists, yet it is guarded by a demonic guard. We also have the Wizard (Mako, nicely overacting) along for the ride, in addition to the queen's trusted palace guard (the humongous Wilt Chamberlain) who has dubious thoughts regarding the barbarian. Also, there is an electrically charged performance by Grace Jones, a warrior princess who could give Lucy Lawless's Xena the heebie jeebies. She is the one redeeming feature of this inert fantasy.
There are the standard sword battles, the usual grunts and monosyllabic speech of Conan and a statue that comes to life that guards the stone, or was it jewels (I tend to forget these details). The violence is less graphic thanks to a ridiculous PG-13 rating - this kind of tale is supposed to be dark, larger-than-life and graphic. None of this matters since not one scene works on any level. There is no sense of adventure or excitement and hardly much of a story. The special-effects lack the magic of the original film. After it is all over, we are told in an epilogue that Conan will someday rule as king. The fact that a "Conan III" never materialized should be considered a blessing. (UPDATE: "The Legend of Conan" might become a reality, rather than the originally titled "King Conan." Schwarzenegger is returning and I am hoping it is better than this limp sequel and limp remake).
