METALSTORM: THE DESTRUCTION OF JARED-SYN (1983)
Reviewed by Jerry Saravia
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| I hope Kelly Preston got a decent paycheck |
"Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn" is not a movie - it is constructed out of leftover mechanical parts from "Star Wars" and leftover dusty vehicles that were deemed unacceptable in "The Road Warrior." This film was released during the heyday of the rebirth of 3-D in the early 80's. This film and "Spacehunter" and the abominable "Jaws 3-D" and the equally ludicrous "Amityville 3-D" gave 3-D a bad name.
"Metalstorm" is concerned with dusty sand buggies, characters walking for an eternity from one sandy hill to another, and endless shots of slightly low-angle dusty roads (a rule of thumb in car chases, the less you see of the road without the vehicle in the shot, the better). There is a hero known as Dogen, a Ranger without the slightest hint of personality; an early performance by Kelly Preston who is more animated than anyone else in the cast; Richard Moll (yep, the guard from TV's "Night Court") as some sort of 7-foot-tall warrior and, to boot with the Road Warrior comparisons, Michael Preston who was terrific in "The Road Warrior" and here plays the villainous Jared-Syn. Added to this incoherent mess are vehicles that explode when they flip over sand dunes, cheesy special-effects featuring flying motorbikes and nothing approaching anywhere near the level of sense. This is supposedly a post-apocalyptic future but little explanation is given as to what sort of pre-post-apocalyptic world this was, aside from the visual look of a western that was filmed in a backlot somewhere in La-La land. Jared-Syn's purpose is also senseless - he is interested in crystals and in entering another dimension, and uses nomads wearing gas masks to do his bidding to do....WHAT????? The 3-D effects are a non-issue since I never had the pleasure to watch this zero-dimensional crap in three dimensions.
There is one nifty surprise in this cobwebbed labyrinth of stupidity and that is Tim Thomerson as Rhodes, a mercenary-of-sorts who becomes Dogen's ally. He is such a gruff, wonderful presence (best known for "Trancers") that you kinda wish the filmmakers gave him the role of Dogen. The movie hints at that idea when we see a head-bandaged Rhodes offering Dogen and Miss Preston a ride back to town. It is a fun scene and it is, dammit, at the very end of this travesty.
