THE AMITYVILLE HORROR (2005)
Reviewed by Jerry Saravia
I wish I could simplify and say this horror remake plainly bites the big one, or that it merely sucks. But brevity would be giving this movie some sort of undeserved status amongst fans of truly awful cinema. This 2005 remake of 1979's "The Amityville Horror" deserves better than a disposable, putrid version of "The Shining."
Laughably based on a true story by Jay Anson that has since been debunked time and again (and considering the real Lutzes objected to this remake), bearded George Lutz (Ryan Reynolds) and Kathy Lutz (Melissa George) move into a new, spacious house in good old Amityville for a bargain price. And, wouldn't you know, the realtor tells the Lutzes after making the sale that a series of murders, involving the DeFeo family, occurred in that house with the dreaded eye attic windows! Oh, my! Of course the parents don't tell their kids yet the youngest of the bunch sees the spirit of the murdered girl! And suddenly George gets headaches, bursts a blood vessel in his right eye, swings an axe with great abandon in front of his stepkids, and finds that the warmest place in the house is the basement. Incredibly, George Lutz appears nuttier than Jack Torrance.
This movie is so underwritten that we have to accept on faith that George owns a construction company because he drives a truck with the company's logo on it! Mostly, he mopes around the house and has an affinity for his motorboat. The wife does the shopping and takes care of the kids so you may ask, who the hell works in this household? The real story is that the Lutzes moved out of Amityville after 2 weeks, primarily because George was broke and couldn't afford the mortgage. Everything else about the "true story" is entirely suspect.
The original "Amityville Horror" was nothing special but it did contain a few chilling scenes. Remember the black ooze from the toilet? How about the Red Room? In this movie, there is only one moment that truly chills the bone. It involves the babysitter who frightens the kids with stories of the DeFeo family murders. The babysitter gets trapped in the closet and bangs the door until her knuckles bleed. We saw this in the original, too, but it is the only scare in this movie. Mostly we have the customary split-second cuts of blood-drenched demons (in this case, Native Americans), blood dripping from walls and not much more to distinguish it from the normal horror fare.
The house doesn't look ominous. The acting and frantic cuts are by the numbers. There is no sense of atmosphere or location or even a population in town (if this is Amityville, it shouldn't look like Nowheresville). And poor Philip Baker Hall as the priest is clearly in it for the paycheck. Everyone else should have taken the warning from the house's ghosts: Get out!
