A sucky bloodsucker sport

VAMPIRES: LOS MUERTOS (2002)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Piss poor in all departments, "Vampires: Los Muertos" is the unnecessary sequel to a movie that ran hot and cold for me, "John Carpenter's Vampires." A further undoing is the casting of Jon Bon Jovi, the lackluster singer of his terrible 80's band, as the resourceful vampire hunter in the James Woods vein. Problem is Bon Jovi is no James Woods and appears as a helping of moldy white bread with no sense of humor.

There is not much to be said for "Vampires: Los Muertos" - it is a slapdash affair with no style and not a whole lot of vampires either. Arly Jover (who was in the dreadful "Blade") is the main vampire lead but she doesn't get to do much except look animalistic and bare her fangs occasionally. Most of the vampires on screen disappear so quickly that there is no time invested in any of these random bloodsuckers.

The quixotic Natasha Wagner is a girl, infected by a vampire, who has been taking pills twice a day that help her maintain human instincts where she won't crave blood. There is also the Mexican kid from the sexed-up and frenetic "Y Tu Mama Tambien," Diego Luna, as an eager kid looking for a job, namely a vampire hunter. Darius McCrary is the black guy from Memphis who receives an oral treatment from a vampire that is hardly as salacious or violent as Coppola's "Dracula." And there is a priest whose intentions are questionable, specifically the location of a cross that vampires crave because it allows them to walk in the sunlight. Of course, Natasha's pills might work, too. Oh, the irony.

Tommy Lee Wallace took over directing duties from John Carpenter. Not a sound choice considering Wallace butchered sequels to "Halloween" and "Fright Night." Now he has further butchered "Vampires," the original film of which was merely so-so. I can only stand so many dissolves in a film before it becomes monotonous. This film es muerto on arrival.