The real metalstorm was Iron Maiden

METALSTORM: THE DESTRUCTION OF JARED-SYN (1983)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

I hope Kelly Preston got a decent paycheck

"Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn" is not a movie - it is constructed out of leftover mechanical parts from "Star Wars" and leftover dusty vehicles that were deemed unacceptable in "The Road Warrior." This film was released during the heyday of the rebirth of 3-D in the early 80's. This film and "Spacehunter" and the abominable "Jaws 3-D" and the equally ludicrous "Amityville 3-D" gave 3-D a bad name.

"Metalstorm" is concerned with dusty sand buggies, characters walking for an eternity from one sandy hill to another, and endless shots of slightly low-angle dusty roads (a rule of thumb in car chases, the less you see of the road without the vehicle in the shot, the better). There is a hero known as Dogen, a Ranger without the slightest hint of personality; an early performance by Kelly Preston who is more animated than anyone else in the cast; Richard Moll (yep, the guard from TV's "Night Court") as some sort of 7-foot-tall warrior and, to boot with the Road Warrior comparisons, Michael Preston who was terrific in "The Road Warrior" and here plays the villainous Jared-Syn. Added to this incoherent mess are vehicles that explode when they flip over sand dunes, cheesy special-effects featuring flying motorbikes and nothing approaching anywhere near the level of sense. This is supposedly a post-apocalyptic future but little explanation is given as to what sort of pre-post-apocalyptic world this was, aside from the visual look of a western that was filmed in a backlot somewhere in La-La land. Jared-Syn's purpose is also senseless - he is interested in crystals and in entering another dimension, and uses nomads wearing gas masks to do his bidding to do....WHAT????? The 3-D effects are a non-issue since I never had the pleasure to watch this zero-dimensional crap in three dimensions.

There is one nifty surprise in this cobwebbed labyrinth of stupidity and that is Tim Thomerson as Rhodes, a mercenary-of-sorts who becomes Dogen's ally. He is such a gruff, wonderful presence (best known for "Trancers") that you kinda wish the filmmakers gave him the role of Dogen. The movie hints at that idea when we see a head-bandaged Rhodes offering Dogen and Miss Preston a ride back to town. It is a fun scene and it is, dammit, at the very end of this travesty.

Mr. Coffey fell out of the sky

THE GREEN MILE (1999)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

(originally written in 1999)

The Stephen King books that usually adapt well to the screen are the melodramas. Sure, in terms of horror, we have had "Carrie" and "The Dead Zone," yet often they are so ludicrous ("Maximum Overdrive") and badly shaped that they come across as pale echoes of their literary counterparts. "The Shawshank Redemption" was one major exception to the rule, as well as "Stand By Me" (both adapted from the "Different Seasons" book). "The Green Mile" is based on a six-part novel from 1996, once again focusing on a prison setting (as did "Shawshank"), and once again directed by Frank Darabont, who also helmed "Shawshank." It may not be as moving or as deeply profound as "Shawshank," but it will do.

"The Green Mile" begins with a old man at a nursing home who weeps when he watches Fred Astaire singing "Cheek to Cheek" in "Top Hat." The reason for his distress is outlined in a flashback to an Alabama prison in the 1930's where he worked as a prison guard. Tom Hanks plays death-row guard Paul Edgecomb, who has a urinary tract infection he tries to keep hidden. There are other guards in this pristine-looking yet ominous, lime-colored prison such as David Morse (once the gentle, bird-like doctor in TV's "St. Elsewhere") as the imposing second-in-command, the clean-cut kid (Barry Pepper, best remembered as the Biblical sharpshooter in "Saving Private Ryan"), and the past master guard (Jeffrey DeMunn) who's seen it all. There is also the ambitious, mean, sadistic guard, Percy Wetmore (Doug Hutchinson), who has no qualms about taunting the prisoners or killing mice. One mouse in particular that has the guards in awe is adopted by a prisoner named Delacroix (Michael Jeter), and the rodent is thus named Mr. Jingles.

One day, a massive bulk of a man named John Coffey (Michael Clarke Duncan) is brought in for the crime of killing two young girls. He seems like a sweet man, afraid of the dark, and takes a liking to Mr. Jingles. Paul Edgecomb doubts the man is capable of violence, especially when John's hands glow mysteriously and heals Paul's infection. But nobody has heard of Mr. Coffey. "He fell out of the sky," says John's former lawyer (Gary Sinise, in an outstanding cameo).

"The Green Mile" spends an inordinate amount of time expounding on the daily routines of the guards - their camaraderie, how they bring in the prisoners, their respectful treatment of them, and the preparations for the inevitable executions (there are two of them in the film, and they are quite disturbing). All this is as powerfully executed, no pun intended, as anything in "The Shawshank Redemption," and the performance by Hutchinson reinforces that. His character, Percy, has a killer instinct but he can also be scared and taunted - it is a twisty, fascinating character.

The major fault with "The Green Mile" lies with the tedious bookends showing an older Edgecomb, and it feels like writer-director Darabont is vying for the same emotion as "Saving Private Ryan." No sale, and it is an unwanted distraction that detracts from the more powerful moments in the film. Another fault lies with the enormous sobbing scenes that actor Michael Clarke Duncan is required to do - every scene he's in, he's teary-eyed. Duncan could have used some moments of silence so that we would not know what to think of such a gentle giant. On the other hand, director Darabont aims to make every moment as dramatic as possible, cued with stretches of Thomas Newman's musical score, making every scene far too self-important. I've said it before and I will say it again - restraint is occasionally an admirable trait.

Though it does not match the power of Darabont's "Shawshank," "The Green Mile" has a few great scenes in what is otherwise a middling, semi-laborious film that plays it safe, and would have benefitted from some screenplay deletions. But in an era where there are so few good Stephen King films, "The Green Mile" is a step in the right direction.

This Bat signal makes me nauseous

BATMAN RETURNS (1992)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

I've had mixed feelings towards "Batman Returns" since I first saw it in theaters in 1992. It is a nightmare fantasy of epic proportions with almost too little story, too many characters, and not much fun. Tim Burton made an extreme and freakish Burton film, not a Batman film, and that may be the underlying problem.

The nocturnal Batman/Bruce Wayne (Michael Keaton) is back, but this time he is fighting a literal circus of freaks. There are skull masked freaks, the late Vincent Schiavelli as a leader of the circus, and they all shoot at crowds and creating havoc and anarchy but to what cost and for what purpose? It turns out the Penguin (Danny DeVito) is creating havoc from 300 feet below Gotham City. He knows a thing or two about the corrupt Max Schreck (Christopher Walken), a towering businessman who hopes to usurp Gotham's power source to build a power plant, and is trying to keep secret his leakage of toxic waste in the sewers of the city. To keep Penguin quiet, Max helps the fish man find his parents who neglected him and promises to elect him as the Mayor of Gotham.

We are also introduced to the ditsy Selina Kyle (Michelle Pfeiffer), who is killed by Max for having discovered his dastardly plans. She is resurrected by a bunch of cats and becomes Catwoman. Best scene has her destroying her neon sign in her apartment where it reads: "Hell here."

"Batman Returns" is missing one crucial element - Batman and his alter-ego, Bruce Wayne. They both appear in the film but more as an afterthought. The disgusting Penguin and the sexual tease of Catwoman steal the show, and all of Batman's thunder. By the end of the film, you are left wondering what Batman's purpose was, aside from proving he was a freak in the world of Burtonesque freaks in Gotham.

There are a few delights in "Batman Returns." Michelle Pfeiffer is possibly the tastiest choice to play Catwoman ever, and her dual personality is evoked with wit and dramatic punch (a shame that a sole feature film with Pfeiffer's feline character never materialized). Danny DeVito is both fearsome and loathsome to watch as the Penguin - a character of pity and bad puns. As good as DeVito is in the part, it is no match for Jack Nicholson's Joker from the first Batman film.

The movie has creative production design, some stellar noirish cinematography (every shot is subterranean and nocturnal) and fantastic special-effects. But the movie is joyless, frenetic and, occasionally, a chore to sit through. For every scene that magnetizes and dazzles (Batman fighting Catwoman,Walken and DeVito discussing politics, the instrumental of "Super Freak" playing at a costumed ball), there are inert scenes of various explosions, the repetitive use of that Duck mobile (why is that in a Batman movie?) and some cruel violence that will put off even hardcore fans of The Dark Knight graphic novels (the Penguin biting a man's nose that gushes blood hardly elicits a wicked smile, just nausea). "Batman Returns" has some flashes of brilliance but it is anemic and leaves a sour taste in your mouth. As lavish a production as it is, I am not sure that is what Tim Burton intended. 

I am Ron Burgundy?

ANCHORMAN: THE LEGEND OF RON BURGUNDY (2004)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia (originally reviewed in 2006)

 Much like the title character, "Anchorman" is a befuddled, vapid yet thoroughly pleasing cartoon comedy. Like every other comedy nowadays, it is a movie not content with just humoring us - it pushes its reality barrier to Warner Brother cartoon extremes.

Will Ferrell is the fictitious Ron Burgundy, a fairly simple-minded San Diego anchorman who reads everything on his teleprompter without blinking twice, and I mean every punctuation mark, even if it's incorrect. At one point, someone mistakenly places a question mark after his sign off ("I am Ron Burgundy?") Ron Burgundy and his news team have the highest ratings in San Diego, and Ron is not just a preening show-off - he especially takes pride in boasting of his exploits to women who find him attractive. The last thing he wants though is for a woman to be on equal footing. Ron's boss (Fred Willard) has just hired an ambitious, attractive and steadfastly determined woman, Veronica Corningstone (Christina Applegate) to be anchorwoman. Ron and his buddies vehemently protest this new hire, to the point that they all try to sexually harass her so she'll quit. No sale. In one of the movie's funniest scenes, Ron calls Veronica's desk and pretends to be a news organization from Moscow ("Pack your bags. You're leaving tomorrow morning.")

Most of "Anchorman" deals with Ron's periodic outbursts in front of and behind the camera. There is also a tremendously funny scene where Ron's news team confronts other competing news teams in a street fight! For animal activists, they may cringe at a poor dog kicked out of a bridge like a football! Mostly, this is about Ron Burgundy with a personal crisis - he loves Veronica but he can't stand to see her as an anchorwoman. Feminists may scoff at the movie's underlying sexism - women only exist to be screwed and nothing else. But, hey, there is always true love in the end.

Will Ferrell is in wickedly bristling, restrained form as the mustachioed, romantic anchorman. For the first time in any of his films, I felt genuine pity for his character as he tries so hard to be accepted. Ferrell is no great actor but he is a breezy comic find - more roles of this stature (including "Melinda and Melinda") and he may reach the pantheon of truly great comic actors.

With cameos from Jack Black to Ben Stiller and an engaging presence like Christina Applegate, "Anchorman" scores a few direct laughs and some big howlers (and kudos to casting Steve Carell as a character far more dim-witted than Ron). It is a frenzied cartoon of a comedy, and it kept me smiling from start to finish.

She's all that

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Now imagine a teenage story of a goth high-school student unable to connect to any of her peers - she remains a social outcast. Now imagine that a football jock is piqued by her beauty, or the beauty he sees in her soul, and asks her out on a date. Now further imagine how all the jock's friends are going to react, sensing that a gothic weirdo has no place in their circles. Now sit down, close your eyes, relax, and consider this plot for a moment. Sure, cliches abound like fireflies and, yes, it almost sounds like a Molly Ringwald movie or one of those old girl-from-the-wrong-side-of-the-tracks movies that go back as far as the 30's, if not further. Ask yourself one question: does this sound like the plot for a horror movie like "Carrie"? Hmmm...don't think so.

"The Rage: Carrie 2" is a preposterous medley of the teen romance and horror film genres. What makes it doubly preposterous is that it tries to be a psychological horror film about an outcast and manages to squander its premise with a relatively "normal" teenager who would never be confused for a Sissy Spacek clone.

The goth girl of "Carrie 2" is Rachel (Emily Bergl), a lonely teen student with a best friend (Mena Suvari) whose only connection to her seems to be matching heart tatoos. Rachel's home life is perfunctory at best, living with abusive, uncaring stepparents. You see Rachel's mother went to a mental institution, for reasons never made entirely clear, and so Rachel got foster care and adopted an attitude. Several years later, she attends a high school where the football season is all that matters, the jocks hate her, the girls are all treated like sluts, and a suicide is seen so matter-of-factly by the student body that one of them even takes a picture with the remark, "cool!" Not a fitting environment for Rachel, who only wishes she could be like them, but resents them all the same, or so we believe. It turns out one jock (Jeremy London) feels connected to her in some way, and asks her out much to the chagrin of his fellow buddies.

Rachel now has a boyfriend, but is still saddened by her best friend's suicide. The guidance counselor, Sue Snell (Amy Irving, returning from the original "Carrie") tries to help Rachel, fearing that her telekinetic powers (such as moving Sue's paper weights in the office) may lead to a repeat of Carrie's actions from the past. And on and on, as we are treated to a lot of male bonding scenes between football jocks, a dog is nearly run over, Rachel's house is nearly vandalized, and so on. There is the obligatory set-up of the evil teens siding with Rachel, making friends with her, until we are treated to a humiliating, carnage-packed climax with nerves popping out of Rachel's skin...well, you get the idea.

To be fair, there are some very good scenes in the film revolving around Rachel's relationship with the "good" jock, who does love her (the cafe scene and their love scene in the car are effective). I also liked the early, all too brief scenes with Mena Suvari as Rachel's sad friend.

Emily Bergl has charisma to spare, and has some startling, witchlike eyes - it is hard to take your eyes off her. But why would anyone think she is ugly? She is not that Gothic anyway, more toned down than say Fairuza Balk's character in "Urban Legend." Bergl is beautiful and so the basic premise - social outcast gets revenge on tormenting teens - does not resonate as it did in the original "Carrie." Carrie White was utterly defenseless and often humiliated - she was made to feel worthless and her telekinetic prowess was her only salvation. In this film, Rachel seems to handle herself rather well, and is only humiliated once prior to the bloody climax. The buildup is not there for us to sympathize with her need to kill all the jocks and cheerleaders.

"The Rage: Carrie 2" is not really comprised of much rage or fury to speak of. It is not boring and it is often watchable, but the melding of such genres does not make for a cohesive whole. It all goes downhill with the unnecessarily gory and unpleasant climax that will leave you reeling as to why so many teens had to die (especially the good to merely decent). Bring back Sissy Spacek!

They are all going to laugh at you

CARRIE (1976)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

"Carrie" is geeky horror with its tongue firmly placed on its cheek until the final reel. That is when an onslaught of violence makes us realize Brian De Palma's sleight-of-hand at the controls. This is De Palma's most absorbing film, utilizing his admiration for Alfred Hitchcock in ways he could never manage later on.

Sissy Spacek is the freckled, extremely shy high school teenager Carrie White, the butt of all jokes and abuse by her gym class. Her class is full of whiny, rebellious teen girls, all of whom have great contempt for Carrie. Why? Maybe because Carrie is too easy to pick on or maybe because they use her as a scapegoat for their problems. The most rebellious and popular girl in school, Chris Hargensen (Nancy Allen), wants to get even with Carrie since Chris is forbidden to go to the prom by her gym instructor, Miss Collins (Betty Buckley). It turns out the class had taunted Carrie in the shower at school and, now, everyone has to pay for it with detention. Chris does get even by using her dopey boyfriend (a very young John Travolta), whom she refers to as an idiot, to get some...well, you might know where this is leading. The infamous chaotic climax says it all, and if you have seen this film, you know exactly what I am referring to.

Carrie's home life should be paradise compared to high school but it is closer to the definition of Hell on Earth. Her mother, Margaret White (Sissy Spacek), is a religious woman who doesn't want her daughter sullied by her high school experiences. If Margaret feels Carrie has sinned, particularly with the observance of her "dirty pillows," then Carrie is to be locked in a closet. There is no way on earth that Carrie could ever go to the high school prom with the most popular guy in school, Tommy Ross (William Katt), if her mother is so inhumanly strict.

Based on Stephen King's novel which put the novelist on the map, "Carrie" is like no other horror film before it. There is nothing Gothic about "Carrie" and there are definitely no inhuman monsters that she has to face. Like "The Exorcist" in 1973, "Carrie" is concerned with the main character and her own personal demons within a realistic setting. She has a rare talent for telekinesis though director De Palma wisely uses a gimmicky horror device sparingly. What I remember most about "Carrie" are its honest depictions of high school life. The volleyball game where Carrie misses hitting the ball starts the film off (not to mention P.J. Soles as Norma, who whacks Carrie on the head with her red hat). The lovingly eroticized, slow-motion sequence of the girls showering after the game while Carrie discovers a typical occurrence in teen girls, her period. The "American Graffiti" moment where Chris is cruising with her boyfriend while listening to Martha Reeves' "Heatwave." The sympathetic Miss Collins consoling Carrie, who can't believe Tommy Ross has asked to her to the prom.

Sissy Spacek makes the most of her compassionate view of Carrie - a bemused girl with a talent few share and an inability to belong. Spacek makes Carrie into a frightened, fierce, sometimes helpless, tormented girl but always showing how human and caring her soul is. Her transformation from helpless and insular to a lovely prom queen to a Satanic, blood-soaked figure of uncontrollable means is thrilling to watch. It is emotionally frustrating for the audience to see that Carrie mistakes the kindness of others for unduly cruelty, particularly during the horrifying climax.

Piper Laurie ("The Hustler") is no less thrilling as the equally tormented and tormenting mother, Margaret, who has no patience for sin. She has a slew of great moments but one that works wonders, illustrating her character's growing madness, is when she sees Carrie's pink prom dress. "You are wearing a red dress," says Margaret. "It's pink momma," says Carrie. It is a moment that still makes me squirm, as does the whole film.

If there are any flaws, it is that De Palma's film could have been longer (reportedly budgeted at the meager sum of 1.8 million). It seems that it skips by so fast that you wish there was more. "Carrie" is the kind of film that could have become a TV series because of its up front view of teen life (it later became a musical). Still, it is the Amy Irving character, Sue Snell, that leaves me wondering about her motives. Firstly, Susan seems to be hateful of Carrie but then she decides to ask her own boyfriend (!) to take Carrie to the prom. It is also clear that Sue is not aware of Chris's plans at the prom, but why the change of heart? Minor flaw but still perplexing.

De Palma has many tricks up his sleeve, and his innovative use of slow-motion and split-screen techniques serve him well since he uses whatever he needs to make his story come alive. But what is most clever is how he has made an almost jokey revenge tale as humane as he has, thanks to Spacek, and then turns the screws from a typical high school tale into a gripping horror film that can dazzle but also scare you into oblivion. The final shot is proof of this.

Comedy rule: never spoof a spoof

PLUMP FICTION (1997)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

As with "Scary Movie" parodying "Scream," it is simply a real effort to sit through "Plump Fiction," a parody of "Pulp Fiction" and "Reservoir Dogs." Why? Well, the jokes are simply recycling dialogue bits and other gags from "Pulp Fiction" without the finesse or pungent wit Tarantino brought to his own work. The concept behind "Plump Fiction" just can't possibly work anyway.

The filmmakers of this film forget that satire and parody search for the sublime and the ridiculous in other notable films that may have unintentionally funny scenes or that have material ripe for parody. Keenan Ivory Wayans might have done better satirizing "Nightmare on Elm Street" and the "Friday the 13th" films more so than "Scream" when making "Scary Movie." The reason is because "Scream" was a postmodern slasher flick that actually winked at the audience already, providing the humorous ambition of actually satirizing and deconstructing the slasher genre. Say what you will about "Scream" but I never took it seriously as a modern horror film, at least not in the same breath as "Halloween" or "The Exorcist."

The same problem plagues "Plump Fiction." There is a scene in the horrendous wannabe spoof "Spy Hard" where Leslie Nielsen and a female lead dance at a club mimicking the expressions of John Travolta and Uma Thurman's famous dance sequence from "Pulp Fiction." The problem is that the sequence from "Pulp" was a riff on Travolta's dance numbers from "Saturday Night Fever" and a riff on the Batdance from the pulpy "Batman" TV series. It was already mocking and satirizing those pop-culture icons. So how can you possibly spoof or satirize something that is already a spoof? It goes without saying that "Plump Fiction" has a similar dance sequence that is actually funny, but not at the same level as "Pulp" was.

"Plump" basically reiterates most scenes from "Pulp" and "Reservoir Dogs." Scenes involving Sandra Bernhard and some Reservoir Nuns, not to mention Forrest Gump and Nell, hardly elicit much of a smile. Best bits involve Pamela Segall and Matthew Glave as the Coxes, riffing on "Natural Born Killers" which is certainly ripe for parody. Segall does an excellent impersonation of Juliette Lewis and her body language - the difference is that she is in on the joke and it is well-executed. Tommy Davidson is also terrific as Julius, the Samuel L. Jackson character, and at least he brings his own persona to the proceedings. I also enjoyed a clever scene that parodied "Clerks" and "Reality Bites." But many of these gags seem desperate at best.

The Zucker brothers have made spoofing a household name but consider the sources they were spoofing. "Airplane" spoofed all disaster films in general. "Top Secret" spoofed all spy films and Elvis pictures. And so on. Their targets were films that were not aiming to be funny at all. "Pulp Fiction" was a black comedy that was riffing and deconstructing all of film noir in general. That is what the filmmakers of "Plump Fiction" have forgotten.