Batturd, Robinflakey and Batbitch are all clueless

Check out my codpiece, or how I wish Chris Nolan went back in time and warned me not don the BatNipple
BATMAN AND ROBIN (1997)
Reviewed by Jerry Saravia
(Originally written and published in 1998)

 The "Batman" movie series has approached the mentality of the campy Adam West TV series of yesteryear: dumb, parodic and juvenile. "Batman and Robin" is a bad film; wholly uneven and one-dimensional unlike the previous "Batman" films that relied so much on character. This one has so many fight scenes and Dolby-ized explosions and car wrecks that, at first, I thought I was watching an overblown action flick a'la Stallone.

The miscast George Clooney (TV's "E.R.") stars as the lighthearted, rather than brooding, Batman who is more concerned with bedroom theatrics and the look of his belt buckle and body armor than with catching the bad guys. Chris O'Donnell reprises his role as "Bird Boy," excuse me, Robin, the bird-brained Bat partner who is always horny. Poor Michael Gough returns as the dutiful servant of Wayne Manor, Alfred, who is getting quite ill (after seeing the script, no doubt) Then there's Alicia Silverstone (also miscast) as a schoolgirl who is Alfred's niece and loves to ride around in motorbikes because of the danger principle (?) Or is it the Danger Zone? She eventually dons a Bat suit and presto (!), she's Batgirl. Red alert to all screenwriters: where's the transition? Somehow, the idea that Alfred prepared a Bat suit for her because he was expecting her to enter the Batcave is hardly credible.

Is there a story or a worthy plot in this movie? Answer: neither. There's a plot thread which is left dangling longer than Batman does from the ceiling. Arnold Schwarzenegger is Mr. Freeze, a Terminator-like villain who shoots every innocent bystander with a freezing beam that turns them into ice sculptures. Why is he doing this? Because he wants to save his cryogenically preserved wife by finding a cure to a disease which the dying Alfred also suffers from. Got it? And the villainess is Poison Ivy (Uma Thurman), a sexy "Plant Girl" who has venomous lips and chlorophyll for blood. "Don't kiss her!" utters Batman at one point before Robin is lured into lip lock status. Poison Ivy wants Mother Nature to begin plant life all over again and thus becomes partners with Mr. Freeze who is ready to freeze Gotham City. Will Batman, Robin and Batgirl stop them in time? Does anybody care anymore?

Joel Schumacher ("Batman Forever") helmed this travesty as well and it is a considerable waste of celluloid. He shoots all the fight scenes in extremely tight close-ups so it is hard to decipher what is happening sometimes. Some action scenes do work, particularly the dazzling opening sequence, but how many tight butt shots and shots below-the-belt can you stand? Holy sexual innuendos!

The characters are amazingly all underdeveloped. The duality of Batman and Bruce Wayne is hardly represented anymore, and the script's idea of Bruce is to have Clooney walk around in a black robe and smile incongruently. After a while, I started to think that Batman and Bruce Wayne were not the same person! Chris O'Donnell tries to act tough but appears more as a jealous, sexually frustrated kid than a hero. Ditto Alicia Silverstone who is as clueless as everyone else. Schwarzenegger seems to be having a good time but his one-liners ("The Iceman Cometh. Hell will freeze over. Just chill") get to be repetitive after a while and do nothing to enhance the character - he's just a blue-eyed hulk. Uma Thurman is marvelous in perhaps the best performance in the movie but her Poison Ivy shtick (blowing kisses of purplish smoke) is thinly executed and done with none of the relish that Michelle Pfeiffer had with Catwoman. And pity Michael Gough who I hope will outlive this pointless franchise. And there is the villain Bane, who is simply another musclebound hulk.

I am a fan of the Batman series but this one is tired, unimaginative and soulless. There's no excitement or spontaneity in the dusty Batcave anymore. The music is loud enough to keep you awake, the explosions are delivered on cue, and there's enough TV-style humor to make Adam West want to don his suit again, but there's no sense of who Batman and Robin are or why they should be considered heroes. As usual, the threadbare villains steal the show. One more movie like this and the villains will become the heroes to root for. Maybe that's not such a bad idea.

What if the South won and Lincoln lived to be an old man?

C.S.A: Confederate States of America (2004)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Alternately hilarious and frightening, "C.S.A: Confederate States of America" is an alternate account, in the guise of a mockumentary, of Civil War History. It posits a fascinating question: what if the Confederates won the Civil War instead of the Northerners? The scenario is troubling, the answer many will find controversial.

In this alternate account, President Abraham Lincoln is not assassinated in the Ford Theater - he hides from the Confederates by wearing blackface and stays with Harriet Tubman. He lives to be an old man, a forgotten footnote in history who lives his last days in Canada in infamy after having been jailed. Confederate Jefferson Davis becomes President, the United States become the Confederate States, slaves are considered the white man's property forever, and Mark Twain and others move to Canada where an abolitionist group is formed. Oh, that is not all. Hitler is our friend in CSA, a chancellor to Germany who is recruited for talks on how to handle the Jews - use them as slave labor instead of exterminating them! (It is never clear if Hitler went ahead with his own holocaust or not.) The CSA goes to war with Canada over their anti-slavery, abolitionist stance. To make matters worse, the film we are watching is actually a PBS-type of documentary with modern-day commercial breaks featuring the worst commercial products ever that carry negative images of blacks (many of these products did exist at one time, the names of which I will not repeat here).

"C.S.A" covers a lot of ground, from popular culture perpetuating the minstrel stereotypes all through the 2000 decade, to the reasons why the Civil War was fought (slavery, primarily, a bone of contention for many historians, and secession from the Union), to products that reinforce the slave mentality (the film ends with a description of various products that did exist and some, Uncle Ben and Aunt Jemima, that continue the trend, to the existence of mulattos (a big no-no), to propaganda film such as the brilliant fake "I Married an Abolitionist" and the D.W. Griffith fake film featuring a blackface Lincoln, to a mocking of the TV show "COPS" called "Runaway," to a 2000 political candidate with lineage dating to the Civil War who might be a mulatto. Interspersed throughout is actual film footage and photos of a time most would probably like to forget (including that 1863 photo taken by abolitionists of a black man's heavily whip-scarred back, or one heinous photo of a hanging), all meant to shock and provoke from a history that has been rewritten or glorified or romanticized.

Written and directed by film professor Kevin Willmott, "C.S.A." is pure satire and either you will laugh or cringe or both. It is most certainly thought-provoking and disturbing in that modern-day society is not far off from what is shown in this alternate universe. The film was released in 2004 but, in 2012, we are still too far from an America where blacks are not discriminated (or almost segregated, notably schools thanks to the Koch brothers, an act that almost became a reality). Discrimination and institutional racism are more subtle nowadays, but it still happens. So when politicians from the right discuss how things have changed, and that they wish to espouse the values and virtues of the past (as shown clearly in this film), you have to wonder what past they are talking about.  

A Joe Pesci gem of a Ruby

DEAR MR. WONDERFUL (1982)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

 I stated once before that one of my favorite hobbies is finding an obscure film on TV or at a video store. As I sifted through endless DVD's and VHS's at the local Princeton Record Exchange store (check it out sometime if you are ever in Princeton, NJ), I came across a DVD of a film I've heard of. It's called "Dear Mr. Wonderful," an occasionally diverting, slow-paced and distressing film. It was released back in 1982 to little or no fanfare, but it does sport an effective Joe Pesci performance, his first lead role after the breakthrough of "Raging Bull."

A mustachioed Pesci plays a Jewish singer named Ruby Dennis. He lives with his sister (Karen Ludwig), a factory worker, and her son, Raymond (Evan Handler), in a crowded apartment in Jersey City, NJ. Ruby owns a bowling alley that serves as a lounge for singers. It seems Ruby does all the singing while the crashing of bowling balls drowns out all the music. His dream is to go to Vegas, but his sister feels he is only fooling himself (though she does offer him money stashed in tin bowls in the freezer!) It turns out that the mob wants to take the alley out of the neighborhood, thinking (correctly) that Ruby is an embarrassment and too much of an expense when they could have a real nightclub. Ruby will not budge yet money is tight. It is so tight in fact that his nephew, Raymond, starts swiping gold necklaces from women in the street!

In some ways, "Dear Mr. Wonderful" has the flavor and realistic feel of a Martin Scorsese picture, and that can be attributed to the realistic performances and some eyeful NY shots. In the acting range, Pesci has quite a few good scenes as Ruby, playing him as a man who doesn't realize he is stuck in a hole. Perhaps he is not such a great singer either (Joe Pesci also wrote his own songs for the film) - part of his act is to smoke a cigarette and hold a drink, though it may take more than that to appeal to renown singer Tony Martin, who shows up in a curious cameo. The film is also an attempt at showing the working habits of the Jewish working class, though it is less successful than tapping into Ruby's own failed dreams. In the lounge scenes, he seems to be as pathetic and lonely as Jake La Motta's nightclub acts in "Raging Bull."

As directed by German director Peter Lilienthal, "Dear Mr. Wonderful" has its lulls (including a tepid romance between Ruby and a 21-year-old singer) but what it does right is convey Ruby's own ambitions and tired musical act. Barring sentiment and any Capraesque moments, we see Ruby as a fleshed-out human being on a road of self-destruction. The fact that he realizes his own shortcomings without admitting to them is the film's major strength. "Dear Mr. Wonderful" (also known as "Ruby's Dream") may not be your cup of tea but it is worth seeking out.

Bad Transgressive Trash

GEEK MAGGOT BINGO (1983) - A.K.A. The Freak From Suckweasel Mountain 

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia 

Okay, this is one of those curios that you may or may not have heard of before. I am in the minority. A friend of mine lent me his copy from a video store called "Twonky's" in New Jersey, Somerset County to be precise. He called this "bad art" yet worthwile if you love art, period. Whatever the heck that means. Oh, yes, the ludicrous production design reminded him of "Cabinet of Dr. Caligari." I didn't know whether to laugh or cringe.

"Geek Maggot Bingo" is so rotten and devoid of anything remotely artistic or fun, even on a "movie-movie" level, that you'll wish I never even bothered writing this review to begin with. There's TV horror host John Zacherle hosting this film, badly, and nodding off while watching it, as was I. There are cardboard sets that look like they have been designed in the basement that would make the late Ed Wood turn in his grave at the sight of them. A terrible monster creation that makes "Robot Monster" look like the most inventively designed creature in ages. A vampire queen named Scumbalina that makes me wish Vampira did come back and host horror-thons again - she should have sued this actress for doing such a horrible imitation! Dozens of laughless one-liners and in-jokes starting with Mr. Frankenberry (Ha!) and his assistant, Gicko, pronounced Gekko! A cowboy crooner who is almost used for experiments by the good Doctor. Two bimbos on hand for sexual dallying, although I may have miscounted by one. Are you still reading this?

The production is so badly patched-together and edited that I wouldn't call it anything less than grade F gutter 

trash. Nick Zedd, the thoughtless don of "The Cinema of Transgression," directed this, yet even 

Allan Smithee could have done a more efficient job. Come to think of it, Smithee would've been 
too proud to let his pseudonym be used on this junk. Bad art? No! Call it bad trash. 

NOTE: For truly good bad movies of another kind, check out the hilarious Ed Wood classics (especially "Glen or Glenda!"), or the cult classic "Reefer Madness." Not only will you have a better time, you'll find they are about something, too.

Roger Moore as relaxed as ever

A VIEW TO A KILL (1985)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Roger Moore took his final bow as James Bond with 1985's "A View to a Kill," and it was well worth the effort. Forget what critics said at the time who lambasted the film - I suppose they found it to be a serviceable Bond with no new tricks. Despite its lack of gimmicky gadgets, this Bond film was more than serviceable - it was laid-back and actually kind of fun. It is self-parodic at times, though not as much as "Moonraker" or "Octopussy."

Bond is now after a typically megalomaniac Bond villain, former KGB agent Max Zorin (Christopher Walken), a psychopath with dreams of cornering the computer chip market in Silicon Valley by essentially destroying it with an earthquake and flooding it with seawater! That is one way to destroy the competition! (There is also some business about a racing scam that is given short shrift). Grace Jones is on hand as his sexy kung-fu girlfriend who has as much spine as Zorin does.

Then we have the Bond girl, this time a geologist named Stacey Sutton (Tanya Roberts), who is about as exciting a female lead as she was in "Sheena: Queen of the Jungle." Her character used to work for Zorin, now she works for the governor of California. There is also Tibbet (Patrick MacNee), Bond's partner and faux limo driver, who is as efficient as Bond, though he forgets to see who may be hiding in the backseat of his limo! Oh, and Bond pretends to be a journalist (and he makes a mean omelet!) Also interesting is the locale - normally American locations American locationswere not used in Bond films prior to "A View to a Kill" (excepting "Diamonds are Forever" with its Vegas location).

In terms of stunts, there are some nifty ones. We get yet another ski chase, this time with Bond using a snowboard and a snowmobile, to the tune of the Beach Boys! There is also Bond driving a car that gets cut in half! Bond riding on a steeple chase in a course set with some traps. A car chase where Bond is hanging from a fire engine ladder. A truly death-defying burning elevator scene! As for nifty and inventive modes of transportation, well, there is an iceberg submarine!

Moore downplays beautifully, and peroxide blonde Walken can be terrifying (with his share of double entendres). There is not much more to report in this 007 outing except it is not as bad as its reputation seems to indicate (and it is a couple of miles ahead of "For Your Eyes Only"). Seen one Bond, seen them all would be the phrase. Still, smirking, witty Moore gives it a lift and makes us glad we are there.

The Star Child makes contact

2010: THE YEAR WE MAKE CONTACT (1984)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

You know the impact that Stanley Kubrick had with "2001: A Space Odyssey" when a brief picture of him figures in "2010" on a Time magazine cover - he is shown as the Soviet Premier right next to Arthur C. Clarke, the author of "2001." "2010" is an impossible task to follow on the coattails of "2001" but it is unfair to think that no sequel could or should be made. Under the direction of Peter Hyams ("Outland"), it is no great work of art but it is certainly no disaster.

Roy Scheider stars as Dr. Heywood Floyd, a noble scientist who feels the Discovery ship's disastrous journey to Jupiter was his fault. To backtrack for those who have not been lucky to witness Kubrick's film or Clarke's novel, the Discovery ship was piloted by two astronauts, one of them being Dave Bowman (Keir Dullea). The other astronauts were killed by the supercomputer HAL 9000, and Dave wandered into the far reaches of the universe and evolved into some Star Child. Floyd knows nothing of the Star Child or those monoliths that orbit Jupiter. Nevertheless, he decides to embark on a trip to Jupiter (which will take roughly two years) and reluctantly travels with a Russian crew - they are riding on a Soviet vessel known as the Leonov. At this time, the U.S. and Russia are on the brink of a nuclear war over Central America (hey, this was 1984). The Leonov's commander is Tanya Kirbuk (Helen Mirren), who is none too pleased to be traveling with Americans who ask too many questions (there is an implication that the Soviets would rather do all the work and find the Discovery ship and its mysteries for themselves). Also on board are two Americans, Dr. Chandra (Bob Balaban), who designed the HAL computer, and an engineer named Walter Curnow (John Lithgow), the designer of the Discovery.

"2010" is full of dialogue, probably more than is needed since the film barely comes close to the visual power of Kubrick's masterpiece. One of the key sequences of "2001" was its climax where you heard total silence while the astronauts were outside the ship - in space, you can't hear anything. "2010" violates that rule. There is also far too much voice-over narration by Dr. Floyd which interrupts the narrative during key moments - we do not need to hear his voice as his transmissions are read to his wife and daughter on Earth. Still, there is much to savor throughout. Scheider's Floyd portrayal is more full-bodied than the colder, detached William Sylvester from the original film. And it is thrilling to watch Dr. Chandra trying to reconnect with HAL, knowing of course what HAL was up to before. John Lithgow brings some understated humor as the engineer with a bad case of vertigo. And there are many startling sequences, including a hair-raising moment where the Leonov turns off its engines as it orbits a planet.

"2010" ties up a few loose ends, including one involving HAL and a strange ending that will not satisfy many (myself included). Peter Hyams is in the unenviable position of positing a more hopeful picture than a pessimist like Kubrick. Some may get annoyed with the reappearance of Keir Dullea as Bowman who insists that something wonderful is about to happen. For all its flaws, "2010" is still an effective movie but it has no trace of the poetry or ambiguity that Kubrick imbued "2001" with. Maybe it is too much to expect nowadays, or even in 1984, for a film to rely on visuals to tell a story and to keep audiences guessing as to the mystery and power of an infinite universe. "2001" had maybe twenty minutes of dialogue in a 2 hour film. "2010" beats it by almost a full hour and a half.

To giggity, or not giggity with LeBrock...

THE WOMAN IN RED (1984)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

There is a great moment I remember so fondly from "The Woman in Red" when it was on cable back in the mid-1980's. Gene Wilder is sitting in a car, hiding from Gilda Radner. She finds him in the car and he feigns a heart attack. She then reaches inside the car and pulls the brake, thus sending Gene's car rolling down those steep streets in San Francisco. That is one of the big laughs in a largely restrained, diluted but charming souffle of a movie.

Gene Wilder is Teddy, a San Francisco businessman working for an ad agency who spots Kelly LeBrock one fine day inside a garage as she passes an air vent, Marilyn Monroe-style. LeBrock is a famous supermodel. Teddy is married to a woman (Judith Ivey) who keeps a gun in their bedroom drawer! He wants nothing more than to have sex with LeBrock, and lies and stages hysterical acts to get there. One has Charles Grodin pretending to be blind as he endlessly knocks over bar glasses, and another involves the always engaging Joseph Bologna pretending that his wife has left him again by shouting at the top of his lungs in front of Teddy's wife.

For a rollicking farce, "Woman in Red" is not that chaotic, just this side of subdued. Matthew Zorek as some teen punk is far too laid-back. Still, for some measure of goodwill, we got the late Gilda Radner. Her character leads to a few misunderstandings in the beginning when she thinks Teddy has the hots for her (who could confuse Radner with LeBrock?) Wilder has many bravura moments, especially when trying to get one of his friends (who are all unfaithful) to call his house when his wife is home so he can pretend to refuse to go to work at a late hour, which is when he could meet up with LeBrock. Mostly the film has a leisurely pace, lacking the chaos of Howard Hawks who could speed this thing up like no one's business, once upon a time. 

Based on a French farce known as "Pardon Mon Affaire," the movie sparkles rather than energizes its slight plot, which is really about Gene Wilder trying to get laid with the stunning Kelly LeBrock. Nothing more, nothing less but oh, what fun.