Fists of Humiliation

FIST OF UNICORN aka Bruce Lee and I (1972)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

So the palms of Unicorn Chan are so powerful that once they make an impact on someone's chest, they kill the person. Not before Unicorn Chan starts thinking of his powerful palms does an image of Bruce Lee suddenly show up on screen as a double-exposure. And we get many scenes where Unicorn uses his arms more than his legs in a fight and then, as if Bruce Lee is suddenly speaking to him, the palms work their magic and kill the opponent.

Unicorn Chan is not much of an actor but he has the ability and grace of a natural fighter. His presence is not commanding, despite numerous close-ups. He plays some sort of bum who parades from one town to another and sleeps under bridges. Some kid notices him showing off his flips and jumps. Chan is welcome by the kid and his mother. There is trouble in the nearby town where the local hoodlums kill people left and right, and Japanese women are used as whores though some of them are actually Chinese pretending to be Japanese! Unicorn is humiliated by these men at one point when he is forced to crawl between one man's legs! Imagine Bruce Lee being humiliated like that! Then the kid cries and calls Unicorn a coward, and then he apologizes. We are also treated to two men who stutter throughout the film, and even try to one-up each other in a stuttering contest.

"Fist of Unicorn's" action scenes were choreographed by Bruce Lee as a favor to Unicorn Chan who helped Lee get his kung-fu feet planted in Hong Kong cinema. Lee might have taught Unicorn how to act as well. By the way, Lee can be glimpsed in the opening scenes showing off his prowess to Unicorn, though a double is obviously used! That means Lee had no intention to act in a scene with his own friend! Sacrilege! As for Unicorn Chan, little is known about him. This was his only leading role and it did nothing for his career. He appeared in some of Bruce Lee's films and did a brief cameo in "Bruce Lee: The Man, The Myth." Anyone that makes a film as abysmal as "Fist of Unicorn" might consider never making a film again. Who wants to be consistently humiliated?

Bruce Lee's comical buffoonery

RETURN OF THE DRAGON aka WAY OF THE DRAGON (1972)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

I am a huge Bruce Lee fan. I always thought, and still do, that Bruce Lee was the greatest martial-arts fighter who ever graced the silver screen. "Return of the Dragon" was Lee's writing and directorial debut, as well as being the chief fight choreographer, and after the amazingly intense "The Chinese Connection," it seemed he could do no wrong. Well, Bruce Lee was an amazing fighter but not the most astute writer or director in the world.

Lee plays a country bumpkin named Tang Lung, whose services in the martial-arts are required in Rome. You see, Lung's relatives own a Chinese restaurant and the Mafia wants to control it. The owners refuse and so the chief Mafia goon's minions try to irritate them and beat them to a pulp. Not if Lung can help it, though the relatives are not so sure. But this is a Bruce Lee movie and you know Lee will get to fight at some point.

The action scenes are electric and tantalizing. Particularly memorable is Lee's handling of two nunchakus at once or his fight with an American martial-artist (Chuck Norris) at the Roman Coliseum. The fight scenes in general are so damn good that you wish it was in the service of a better story. There is a cruel twist in the final reel but not much else that is story driven. The Mafioso goons are hardly much of a threat. When the story doesn't work and there's no action, we get discussions on Japanese karate vs. Chinese karate, and some unfunny attempts at humor (though I like the goon that tries to use a nunchaku). As an example in displaying the comical buffoonery of a country bumpkin, Lee does a Three Stooges routine that will make you squirm and cringe.

"Return of the Dragon" (alternate title outside the U.S. was "The Way of the Dragon") was dubbed for American release, and it boasts the worst dubbing I've ever seen in any foreign film, martial-arts or otherwise. Not only do the words not match the lips (consistently true of most kung-fu epics), there is also a laughable moment where an English phrase is translated in...English! The title of the film, "Return of the Dragon," falsely advertised that Lee's heroic, James Bond-like character from "Enter the Dragon" was back ("Return" was released in the U.S. in 1974, one year after Lee's death and the release of "Enter the Dragon"). The only similarity between the two characters is their fighting style. Also worth noting is that most of the relatives of Lee's character were actual relatives of Lee, including Nora Miao, the girl with no fighting skills (if there was ever the waste of a decent actress, this is it) and Unicorn Chan.

"Return of the Dragon" boasts some effective, realistic fight footage and Lee has a catlike, phenomenally physical presence - you can't take your eyes off him. The fight scenes are legendary and definitely worth seeing for them alone. The movie is laughable and silly but definitely no time-waster.

Batturd, Robinflakey and Batbitch are all clueless

Check out my codpiece, or how I wish Chris Nolan went back in time and warned me not don the BatNipple
BATMAN AND ROBIN (1997)
Reviewed by Jerry Saravia
(Originally written and published in 1998)

 The "Batman" movie series has approached the mentality of the campy Adam West TV series of yesteryear: dumb, parodic and juvenile. "Batman and Robin" is a bad film; wholly uneven and one-dimensional unlike the previous "Batman" films that relied so much on character. This one has so many fight scenes and Dolby-ized explosions and car wrecks that, at first, I thought I was watching an overblown action flick a'la Stallone.

The miscast George Clooney (TV's "E.R.") stars as the lighthearted, rather than brooding, Batman who is more concerned with bedroom theatrics and the look of his belt buckle and body armor than with catching the bad guys. Chris O'Donnell reprises his role as "Bird Boy," excuse me, Robin, the bird-brained Bat partner who is always horny. Poor Michael Gough returns as the dutiful servant of Wayne Manor, Alfred, who is getting quite ill (after seeing the script, no doubt) Then there's Alicia Silverstone (also miscast) as a schoolgirl who is Alfred's niece and loves to ride around in motorbikes because of the danger principle (?) Or is it the Danger Zone? She eventually dons a Bat suit and presto (!), she's Batgirl. Red alert to all screenwriters: where's the transition? Somehow, the idea that Alfred prepared a Bat suit for her because he was expecting her to enter the Batcave is hardly credible.

Is there a story or a worthy plot in this movie? Answer: neither. There's a plot thread which is left dangling longer than Batman does from the ceiling. Arnold Schwarzenegger is Mr. Freeze, a Terminator-like villain who shoots every innocent bystander with a freezing beam that turns them into ice sculptures. Why is he doing this? Because he wants to save his cryogenically preserved wife by finding a cure to a disease which the dying Alfred also suffers from. Got it? And the villainess is Poison Ivy (Uma Thurman), a sexy "Plant Girl" who has venomous lips and chlorophyll for blood. "Don't kiss her!" utters Batman at one point before Robin is lured into lip lock status. Poison Ivy wants Mother Nature to begin plant life all over again and thus becomes partners with Mr. Freeze who is ready to freeze Gotham City. Will Batman, Robin and Batgirl stop them in time? Does anybody care anymore?

Joel Schumacher ("Batman Forever") helmed this travesty as well and it is a considerable waste of celluloid. He shoots all the fight scenes in extremely tight close-ups so it is hard to decipher what is happening sometimes. Some action scenes do work, particularly the dazzling opening sequence, but how many tight butt shots and shots below-the-belt can you stand? Holy sexual innuendos!

The characters are amazingly all underdeveloped. The duality of Batman and Bruce Wayne is hardly represented anymore, and the script's idea of Bruce is to have Clooney walk around in a black robe and smile incongruently. After a while, I started to think that Batman and Bruce Wayne were not the same person! Chris O'Donnell tries to act tough but appears more as a jealous, sexually frustrated kid than a hero. Ditto Alicia Silverstone who is as clueless as everyone else. Schwarzenegger seems to be having a good time but his one-liners ("The Iceman Cometh. Hell will freeze over. Just chill") get to be repetitive after a while and do nothing to enhance the character - he's just a blue-eyed hulk. Uma Thurman is marvelous in perhaps the best performance in the movie but her Poison Ivy shtick (blowing kisses of purplish smoke) is thinly executed and done with none of the relish that Michelle Pfeiffer had with Catwoman. And pity Michael Gough who I hope will outlive this pointless franchise. And there is the villain Bane, who is simply another musclebound hulk.

I am a fan of the Batman series but this one is tired, unimaginative and soulless. There's no excitement or spontaneity in the dusty Batcave anymore. The music is loud enough to keep you awake, the explosions are delivered on cue, and there's enough TV-style humor to make Adam West want to don his suit again, but there's no sense of who Batman and Robin are or why they should be considered heroes. As usual, the threadbare villains steal the show. One more movie like this and the villains will become the heroes to root for. Maybe that's not such a bad idea.

What if the South won and Lincoln lived to be an old man?

C.S.A: Confederate States of America (2004)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Alternately hilarious and frightening, "C.S.A: Confederate States of America" is an alternate account, in the guise of a mockumentary, of Civil War History. It posits a fascinating question: what if the Confederates won the Civil War instead of the Northerners? The scenario is troubling, the answer many will find controversial.

In this alternate account, President Abraham Lincoln is not assassinated in the Ford Theater - he hides from the Confederates by wearing blackface and stays with Harriet Tubman. He lives to be an old man, a forgotten footnote in history who lives his last days in Canada in infamy after having been jailed. Confederate Jefferson Davis becomes President, the United States become the Confederate States, slaves are considered the white man's property forever, and Mark Twain and others move to Canada where an abolitionist group is formed. Oh, that is not all. Hitler is our friend in CSA, a chancellor to Germany who is recruited for talks on how to handle the Jews - use them as slave labor instead of exterminating them! (It is never clear if Hitler went ahead with his own holocaust or not.) The CSA goes to war with Canada over their anti-slavery, abolitionist stance. To make matters worse, the film we are watching is actually a PBS-type of documentary with modern-day commercial breaks featuring the worst commercial products ever that carry negative images of blacks (many of these products did exist at one time, the names of which I will not repeat here).

"C.S.A" covers a lot of ground, from popular culture perpetuating the minstrel stereotypes all through the 2000 decade, to the reasons why the Civil War was fought (slavery, primarily, a bone of contention for many historians, and secession from the Union), to products that reinforce the slave mentality (the film ends with a description of various products that did exist and some, Uncle Ben and Aunt Jemima, that continue the trend, to the existence of mulattos (a big no-no), to propaganda film such as the brilliant fake "I Married an Abolitionist" and the D.W. Griffith fake film featuring a blackface Lincoln, to a mocking of the TV show "COPS" called "Runaway," to a 2000 political candidate with lineage dating to the Civil War who might be a mulatto. Interspersed throughout is actual film footage and photos of a time most would probably like to forget (including that 1863 photo taken by abolitionists of a black man's heavily whip-scarred back, or one heinous photo of a hanging), all meant to shock and provoke from a history that has been rewritten or glorified or romanticized.

Written and directed by film professor Kevin Willmott, "C.S.A." is pure satire and either you will laugh or cringe or both. It is most certainly thought-provoking and disturbing in that modern-day society is not far off from what is shown in this alternate universe. The film was released in 2004 but, in 2012, we are still too far from an America where blacks are not discriminated (or almost segregated, notably schools thanks to the Koch brothers, an act that almost became a reality). Discrimination and institutional racism are more subtle nowadays, but it still happens. So when politicians from the right discuss how things have changed, and that they wish to espouse the values and virtues of the past (as shown clearly in this film), you have to wonder what past they are talking about.  

A Joe Pesci gem of a Ruby

DEAR MR. WONDERFUL (1982)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

 I stated once before that one of my favorite hobbies is finding an obscure film on TV or at a video store. As I sifted through endless DVD's and VHS's at the local Princeton Record Exchange store (check it out sometime if you are ever in Princeton, NJ), I came across a DVD of a film I've heard of. It's called "Dear Mr. Wonderful," an occasionally diverting, slow-paced and distressing film. It was released back in 1982 to little or no fanfare, but it does sport an effective Joe Pesci performance, his first lead role after the breakthrough of "Raging Bull."

A mustachioed Pesci plays a Jewish singer named Ruby Dennis. He lives with his sister (Karen Ludwig), a factory worker, and her son, Raymond (Evan Handler), in a crowded apartment in Jersey City, NJ. Ruby owns a bowling alley that serves as a lounge for singers. It seems Ruby does all the singing while the crashing of bowling balls drowns out all the music. His dream is to go to Vegas, but his sister feels he is only fooling himself (though she does offer him money stashed in tin bowls in the freezer!) It turns out that the mob wants to take the alley out of the neighborhood, thinking (correctly) that Ruby is an embarrassment and too much of an expense when they could have a real nightclub. Ruby will not budge yet money is tight. It is so tight in fact that his nephew, Raymond, starts swiping gold necklaces from women in the street!

In some ways, "Dear Mr. Wonderful" has the flavor and realistic feel of a Martin Scorsese picture, and that can be attributed to the realistic performances and some eyeful NY shots. In the acting range, Pesci has quite a few good scenes as Ruby, playing him as a man who doesn't realize he is stuck in a hole. Perhaps he is not such a great singer either (Joe Pesci also wrote his own songs for the film) - part of his act is to smoke a cigarette and hold a drink, though it may take more than that to appeal to renown singer Tony Martin, who shows up in a curious cameo. The film is also an attempt at showing the working habits of the Jewish working class, though it is less successful than tapping into Ruby's own failed dreams. In the lounge scenes, he seems to be as pathetic and lonely as Jake La Motta's nightclub acts in "Raging Bull."

As directed by German director Peter Lilienthal, "Dear Mr. Wonderful" has its lulls (including a tepid romance between Ruby and a 21-year-old singer) but what it does right is convey Ruby's own ambitions and tired musical act. Barring sentiment and any Capraesque moments, we see Ruby as a fleshed-out human being on a road of self-destruction. The fact that he realizes his own shortcomings without admitting to them is the film's major strength. "Dear Mr. Wonderful" (also known as "Ruby's Dream") may not be your cup of tea but it is worth seeking out.

Bad Transgressive Trash

GEEK MAGGOT BINGO (1983) - A.K.A. The Freak From Suckweasel Mountain 

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia 

Okay, this is one of those curios that you may or may not have heard of before. I am in the minority. A friend of mine lent me his copy from a video store called "Twonky's" in New Jersey, Somerset County to be precise. He called this "bad art" yet worthwile if you love art, period. Whatever the heck that means. Oh, yes, the ludicrous production design reminded him of "Cabinet of Dr. Caligari." I didn't know whether to laugh or cringe.

"Geek Maggot Bingo" is so rotten and devoid of anything remotely artistic or fun, even on a "movie-movie" level, that you'll wish I never even bothered writing this review to begin with. There's TV horror host John Zacherle hosting this film, badly, and nodding off while watching it, as was I. There are cardboard sets that look like they have been designed in the basement that would make the late Ed Wood turn in his grave at the sight of them. A terrible monster creation that makes "Robot Monster" look like the most inventively designed creature in ages. A vampire queen named Scumbalina that makes me wish Vampira did come back and host horror-thons again - she should have sued this actress for doing such a horrible imitation! Dozens of laughless one-liners and in-jokes starting with Mr. Frankenberry (Ha!) and his assistant, Gicko, pronounced Gekko! A cowboy crooner who is almost used for experiments by the good Doctor. Two bimbos on hand for sexual dallying, although I may have miscounted by one. Are you still reading this?

The production is so badly patched-together and edited that I wouldn't call it anything less than grade F gutter 

trash. Nick Zedd, the thoughtless don of "The Cinema of Transgression," directed this, yet even 

Allan Smithee could have done a more efficient job. Come to think of it, Smithee would've been 
too proud to let his pseudonym be used on this junk. Bad art? No! Call it bad trash. 

NOTE: For truly good bad movies of another kind, check out the hilarious Ed Wood classics (especially "Glen or Glenda!"), or the cult classic "Reefer Madness." Not only will you have a better time, you'll find they are about something, too.

Roger Moore as relaxed as ever

A VIEW TO A KILL (1985)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Roger Moore took his final bow as James Bond with 1985's "A View to a Kill," and it was well worth the effort. Forget what critics said at the time who lambasted the film - I suppose they found it to be a serviceable Bond with no new tricks. Despite its lack of gimmicky gadgets, this Bond film was more than serviceable - it was laid-back and actually kind of fun. It is self-parodic at times, though not as much as "Moonraker" or "Octopussy."

Bond is now after a typically megalomaniac Bond villain, former KGB agent Max Zorin (Christopher Walken), a psychopath with dreams of cornering the computer chip market in Silicon Valley by essentially destroying it with an earthquake and flooding it with seawater! That is one way to destroy the competition! (There is also some business about a racing scam that is given short shrift). Grace Jones is on hand as his sexy kung-fu girlfriend who has as much spine as Zorin does.

Then we have the Bond girl, this time a geologist named Stacey Sutton (Tanya Roberts), who is about as exciting a female lead as she was in "Sheena: Queen of the Jungle." Her character used to work for Zorin, now she works for the governor of California. There is also Tibbet (Patrick MacNee), Bond's partner and faux limo driver, who is as efficient as Bond, though he forgets to see who may be hiding in the backseat of his limo! Oh, and Bond pretends to be a journalist (and he makes a mean omelet!) Also interesting is the locale - normally American locations American locationswere not used in Bond films prior to "A View to a Kill" (excepting "Diamonds are Forever" with its Vegas location).

In terms of stunts, there are some nifty ones. We get yet another ski chase, this time with Bond using a snowboard and a snowmobile, to the tune of the Beach Boys! There is also Bond driving a car that gets cut in half! Bond riding on a steeple chase in a course set with some traps. A car chase where Bond is hanging from a fire engine ladder. A truly death-defying burning elevator scene! As for nifty and inventive modes of transportation, well, there is an iceberg submarine!

Moore downplays beautifully, and peroxide blonde Walken can be terrifying (with his share of double entendres). There is not much more to report in this 007 outing except it is not as bad as its reputation seems to indicate (and it is a couple of miles ahead of "For Your Eyes Only"). Seen one Bond, seen them all would be the phrase. Still, smirking, witty Moore gives it a lift and makes us glad we are there.