Molly Ringwald's road to nowhere

P.K. AND THE KID (1987 - filmed in 1982)
Reviewed by Jerry Saravia 

(originally written in 2002) 

Molly Ringwald had that special something that Shirley Temple had: she could make teenage boys develop a crush on her. From Ringwald's lead roles in "Sixteen Candles" and "Pretty in Pink," she became the face of teenage adoration in the John Hughes universe. I was one of those teenage boys back in 1986, even ogling at Life and Time magazines that featured her pretty freckled face gracing the cover. Ringwald then moved on from her teenage mode to mindless B movies that never did much for her career. But Ringwald was also the star of "B" and "C" movies prior to "Sixteen Candles." One of them was the exceptionally abysmal "P.K. and the Kid," a movie that makes TV movies look visually inventive by comparison.

P.K is played by Molly Ringwald, a teenage girl who faces one sexual assault after another from her mean stepfather (Alex Rocco). He beats her senseless but P.K.'s mom (Fionnula Flanagan) ignores the abuse. P.K. is so fed up she runs away, and stepdaddy is now after her. She flees inside someone's truck. Lo and behold, the driver is Kid Kane (Paul Le Mat), a professional wrestler who is on his way to Reno for a big match. He is willing to help P.K. though the reasons are not clear except that somebody should look after a teenage runaway. They drive off on the road, laughing, making jokes, etc. Most of this resembles a cheaply made TV movie. Stepdad often materializes out of nowhere and always finds P.K. P.K. and Kid manage to elude him further. There is not one shot that shows Stepdaddy is on to them, so how does he know their whereabouts from one state to the next if we never see him following them? There are wrestling matches and fistfights along the way in restaurants, bars, and fish markets. P.K. stays in the motel room while Kid Kane tries to woo a hotel clerk (or a waitress, I forget). This stupidity plays on and on, and it includes an unintentionally hilarious scene where Stepdad delivers a jab at poor Esther Rolle, a friend of Kid's!

Along with "Caligula," "P.K. and the Kid" is the only film I've ever stopped halfway through while watching it. It was a recent videotape I had bought cheaply and viewed, mostly because of my interest in good old Molly. I decided to fast-forward to the conventional, excruciating climax where Kid has his wrestling match. It is all about as exciting as waiting for a tree branch to fall on your head while reading a book (even Stallone's sweaty artificiality was more exciting in "Over the Top"). In fact, there are some good Ringwald movies, and some great Paul Le Mat films. For God's sakes, go to your local video store and rent them, but do not watch this time-waster or you'll be sorry you lost $1.50!

Rip off the 1%

TOWER HEIST (2011)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

"Tower Heist" should have been a rip-roaring action comedy with a great comic cast that would have upped the tomfoolery and absurdity to new heights. As it is, it is only fitfully funny and a bit underwhelming and undernourished but it still packs the occasional wallop.

Ben Stiller is Josh Kovacs, the manager of a residential New York City skyscraper. He plays chess with a wealthy businessman, Arthur Shaw (Alan Alda), who is the owner of a penthouse at the top of this skyscraper. Josh does an admirable job overall with his staff and the patient doorman, Lester (Stephen Henderson), who is hoping to retire within a year. Casey Affleck is Charlie, the concierge who mistakes a Korean woman for Japanese. Michael Pena is Enrique, the newly hired elevator operator. Matthew Broderick is a resident who is about to be evicted. Typical day in the Big Apple.
That is until Shaw is arrested for a Ponzi scheme that involves taking pension funds from the tower's employees. Trouble is that Josh asked Shaw to invest in everyone's pension funds. This leads to a scene where Lester nearly commits suicide by walking over a subway platform (fairly true to life in light of our current economic meltdown). Shaw will get out of jail soon and not pay a penny that is owed to the tower's employees. After Josh, Enrique and Charlie are fired by the General Manager, Josh hatches a plan - rob Shaw's penthouse and get the money hidden in a safe inside a wall. Only trouble is the safe is not where the gold is.

All this planning needs an experienced criminal, which leads to Slide (Eddie Murphy), a thief who can steal anything except he has no clue how to crack open a safe. This leads to Odessa (Gabourey Sidibe from "Precious"), a maid working at the tower whose family is in the locksmith business. How convenient.

Everything leads to an absurd climax that would seem improbable in an "Ocean's Eleven" flick. Let's say it involves dangling a car once owned by Steve McQueen over the side of the tower to...you gotta see it. It is so improbable and cartoonish that you can't help but laugh at it (people suffering from acrophobia, beware).

"Tower Heist" is mildly funny but it is occasionally infused with a profane comic engine by Eddie Murphy in a role he used to play in his sleep. Murphy has fun with the role of Slide, exposing the ridiculous assertion that he can only be remembered by critics for playing a "48 HRS." hoodlum. Murphy is bigger than the film, more talented than almost any other comedian in the past twenty years and his lightning-paced, alert manner in which he rattles off one line after another is pitch perfect. But once he disappears from the screen for long stretches, the movie loses a bit of momentum and purpose. Most nagging thought: why does the film let Josh off the hook when dealing with his employees whom he screwed over with the pension fund faux pas? Yes, Alan Alda plays his most deviously charming and evil role in years but the plot makes it clear that if it had not been for Josh, none of this might have happened.

Ben Stiller is at his most restrained here giving a more nuanced performance than normal. I would have loved more scenes between him and Murphy and Tea Leoni as an FBI agent (both Leoni and Stiller were in the fantastic "Flirting With Disaster"). The movie is still fun but it is not grand, dynamic or engaging fun with comic fireworks. It is more like a Christmas tree celebration at Rockefeller Center with sparklers.

Anybody up for Jello? It is killer.

THE BLOB (1988)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Chuck Russell's "Blob" remake is faster, funnier and more animated than the blander-than-thou 1958 original. This is still a 50's B movie transposed to the 1980's era but it has more brains and heart than one might expect. 

Kevin Dillon has the McQueen role as Brian, except he is more of juvenile delinquent in frequent trouble with the police (McQueen's character was no trouble at all). He also has a deep interest in his motorcycle and is trying to cross a gap in a local wooden bridge nearby. And he fails.  Shawnee Smith is Meg who doesn't play his girlfriend but she and  Brian become partners in fighting the gooey slime that, once again, crashes onto Earth from outer space. The circumstances involving the blob are not the same as the original's film plot, and I will leave it at that.

There is more gore and far more murders by the blob in this remake. The movie also has an upbeat charm as well in that it is never mean-spirited or too bloodily nauseating. One scene involving a kitchen sink is often considered something of a classic gore sequence. A movie theater sequence, where an anonymous slasher film is shown, has more visceral thrills than the scene from the original. 

My one bone of contention is the stunt casting of people like Bill Moseley and Jack Nance who appear on screen for no more than a few seconds. Couldn't co-writer Frank Darabont have given them more to do?

With Dillon and Shawnee Smith as the unlikely pair who have no time to talk about the blob in a diner where Candy Clark is the waitress, the movie is swift, sharp, innocuous (by 2000 standards) and coiled like a whippersnapper. Director Russell, who did an expert job on "Nightmare on Elm Street 3," keeps the momentum going and the thrills and chills are fast and loose.  I wouldn't call it scary but it is a fun roller-coaster ride.

Hail to the King of the Dead

EVIL DEAD, 2013 A.D. (A Look at the Teaser/Trailer)

By Jerry Saravia

I am not inviting this girl to a birthday party

 When I first heard of a remake of "The Evil Dead," the quintessential Sam Raimi horror flick from 1983 (depending which year you saw the film in theaters), I simply shook my head. Why on earth is Raimi and Bruce Campbell, on board as producer, making a remake to a low-budget shocker that got approval from horror novelist Stephen King back in the day? So a teaser trailer became public and, not to sound repetitive, I thought to myself - I will watch the teaser but not comment on it. After all, I sound like a broken record that got smashed by an elephant's foot who just saw the latest "Blob" remake by Rob Zombie that never was, especially after commenting on my displeasure of a new "Superman" origin flick, a new "Carrie," and so on. Horror remakes have become so complacent that it makes me sick - anyone here clamoring for a so-called sequel to "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" in 3-D when Tobe Hooper already did his own sequel in 1986?

Bruce Campbell as Ash

So I watched this teaser with dread. I must say, I was surprised. This "Evil Dead" redux is hardcore all the way, very intense and in-your-face. Restraint is hardly in the "Evil Dead" lexicon - this is purely violent and grotesque, as it should be. The images look terrifying (one evil spirit seems to cut open its own tongue). It has got the trademarks of the "Evil Dead" franchise, but there is no clearly no Ash. In fact, the human characters appear rather blah overall. That is the single ingredient missing from the teaser - an actor of Bruce Campbell's stature. Bruce made the franchise - his Ash character was a larger-than-life character who was initially afraid of the evil spirits until he decided to lose his fear and paranoia, strap on a chainsaw to his amputated hand, and fight to the death! Name another actor who is as goofy, sensitive, charming, romantic and convincingly heroic as the unlikely hero played by Bruce Campbell. The series eventually metamorphosized into a Three Stooges stunt, but that stunt was balanced with goofy gore and an unseen menace in the woods that threatened to crush anything in its path. And Campbell made it all tolerable with his Mount Rushmore face made of granite that seemed to be too big for the silver screen. That is part of the franchises's charm and inspiration.

Jane Levy

I love the concept of "Evil Dead" and its sequels, and I do look forward to this remake (Remake review). Raimi and Campbell might have some surprises in store that we are not privy to yet. It looks sickening, intense and graphic, but it is lacking in any tangible humanity (an actress named Jane Levy, from TV's "Suburgatory," is in the cast but she is someone I know nothing about). The director is an Uruguayan (my home country) named Fede Alvarez who caused a shockwave with his fantastic "Panic Attack!" footage that got linked to a Kanye West blog (which means if this film is a success, he can thank Kanye for leading the way). I'll give "Evil Dead" a shot but I sure do miss Bruce Campbell. Word is that "Evil Dead 4" might become a reality until after this remake is unleashed in theaters. Can we cross Ash's fingers from his amputated hand?

Fleshtones can't save Zombies

I WAS A TEENAGE ZOMBIE (1987)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Considered to be a midnight cult movie for some time, "I Was a Teenage Zombie" is hardly a decent zombie 80's spoof but it is hardly the worst of its kind. Looks like the kind of movie where a bunch of people drank a few beers, got some funding and made a movie without regards to technical proficiency or adequate story or acting. I suppose you know what you are in for from the opening credits with the title tune by one of the greatest, if not the greatest, garage band of all time, the Fleshtones (or maybe just one of the greatest bands period). Or maybe with such a cool title tune, I expected more.

Some high school kids, who spend very little time in school, try to buy weed from one drug dealer to no avail. Then they confront another drug dealer named Mussolini (Steve McCoy) whom they do buy weed from, which turns out to be bland weed. Now THAT is not good! Eventually, Mussolini is whacked in the head with a baseball bat by the teens who throw him into the river. Trouble is the river is contaminated with radiation, turning Mussolini into a raging, green-skinned zombie. And is there a teenage zombie? Oh, yes, one of the teenagers is killed by Mussolini whose body is whisked away and thrown into the river to do battle with...you get the picture.

Neither as spookily funny or as skin-crawlingly scary as 1985's "The Return of the Living Dead," which is pretty much the goofiest zombie movie spoof ever made, "I Was a Teenage Zombie" is subpar on every level but it does contain a sweet love story that could've used more exposure. There are some choice gore moments including splitting a sexed-up girl apart during sex and a decapitation that further involves splitting a brain in half. There is also an inspired line of dialogue about atheism. The actors look like stock teen stereotypes, though the best performance is by Steve McCoy who goes over-the-top which you need to do in a spoof of this kind. It is a Troma-like production though Troma has done better pictures than this.

Footnote: The film's director,  John Elias Michalakis, disappeared from the film business and became a monk. "I Was a Teenage Zombie" is his sole directorial effort. Maybe now he can do a sequel called "I Was a Zombie Monk."

Zombie retrofits a brutal Michael Myers

HALLOWEEN (2007)
Reviewed by Jerry Saravia 

Rob Zombie's "Halloween" re-imagining is a perversely violent and
dishonest piece of trash that never comes close to the spirit and
sheer horror of the John Carpenter classic. At once histrionic and
mind-numbingly violent to the point of outdoing bloody mayhem in even
"Saw" or its slew of torture porn counterparts, this Halloween movie
is a pointless disgrace.

Rob Zombie's "Halloween" brings back Michael Myers as the unstoppable killer with the William Shatner mask who preys on his victims on Halloween. That is fine with me since that is what John Carpenter's film and its infinite sequels showed. But Zombie also wants to show Michael's family life which consists of an obnoxious sister (Hanna Hall), a disabled, lecherous and loud stepfather (William Forsythe), and a caring mother (Sheri Moon Zombie) who works at a strip joint (I dislike the phrase but this is white trash hell). Michael also likes to kill cats, dogs and hamsters, thus paving the way for humans to be his next victims. These include a vile school bully and Michael's family, with the exception of his mother and his little baby sister whom he loves. How nice.

Flash forward to fifteen years later where Michael is held at Smith's Grove Institute where his patient psychiatrist, Dr. Sam Loomis (Malcolm McDowell), has given up on Michael. Michael eventually escapes Smith's Grove but not before he kills a few security guards and a janitor. Then he finds a truck he can use to drive back to his hometown of Haddonfield, but he has to kill the truck driver first. Then he finds his long-lost sister Laurie (Scout Taylor-Compton) and kills her parents and, yes, the slaughter continues.

Rob Zombie aims to be ambitious but the attempt at psychoanalyzing Michael Myers doesn't wash. For one, when you show Michael as a kid who tortures and kills animals and humans, and has no memory of what he had done, you are asking the audience to see Michael Myers as some latter-day serial killer. Of course, Michael is no ordinary serial killer, as we plainly see in the only intense and frightening scenes in the film where young Michael is interviewed by Dr. Loomis. There is a quiet unease about those scenes. But then Zombie lingers on every single murder with such a perverse attention to detail that you might want to gag. This movie has a bigger mortality rate than most movies and Zombie seems to punish us with extreme slicing and dicing (only the school bully murder works since we feel the bully didn't fully deserve to die). Beyond that, Zombie never lets up for showing how many ways a knife can be thrusted into someone's body, or how a baseball bat or a wooden log can be used to crush bones and break bodies.

I am not a prude when it comes to violence but after enduring one grisly murder after another, I grew weary of this "Halloween" movie. I've seen the sequels and none of them come close to this torturous display of brutality. And when Michael returns to Haddonfield, we meet Laurie's teenage friends and, before you can say who Danielle Harris is playing, they are all slaughtered without much human interest or a care in the world. This leaves Laurie who hides and hides from Michael long past the point of caring, screaming at the highest pitch while Michael tears down the basement and the attic looking for her. Yawn.

The acting is also high-pitched consisting of actors who spend a lot of time hollering and screaming. I don't expect great subtlety in a "Halloween" movie but give me the subdued Jamie Lee Curtis and Donald Pleasance any day. Overall in terms of actors, McDowell is an uncomfortable fit as the good doctor, Dee Wallace and Brad Dourif give largely blink-and-you'll-miss performances, and the teens are too bland and dare I say anonymous, including Scout Taylor-Compton as the disarming Laurie who makes sexual comments galore (again, where is the timidness of Jamie Lee Curtis's Laurie?)

John Carpenter's "Halloween" is a machine-like supernatural thriller with the machine-like precision of its monstrous Michael Myers. It was atmospheric and scary as hell, but it also did not dwell on grisliness and dementia. There was violence in the film but it was fairly limited and imaginatively done with shadows and haunting compositions (I can't forget Michael's white mask suddenly appearing behind Laurie or the way his fist finally bursts through a door). I am not going to say that Rob Zombie shouldn't make a film where we get insight on Michael and his murderous impulses. But the movie only tells us that Michael kills without provocation necessarily and without remorse, and he will kill those who nurture him except his mother and his baby sister. And then we are back in Haddonfield for mayhem as usual.

Dressed for De Palma

RAISING CAIN (1992)
Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

(Review originally written in 2002) 

There are very few thriller directors you can count on nowadays but Brian De Palma is one that manages to deliver, witness his more recent films such as "The Untouchables" and "Mission: Impossible." "Raising Cain" came in between "Carlito's Way" and the outrageously uneven "The Bonfire of the Vanities," and it is a goofy and sporadically scary thriller that at least shows the director still has command of the medium with his deft sleight-of-hand.

The film stars the perfectly cast John Lithgow as child psychiatrist Carter Nix, who may have multiple personalities including that of his evil German (or Norwegian?) father and his leather-jacketed, sleazy brother, Cain (all played by Lithgow). The tormented Carter is seemingly happily married to his unfaithful wife (Lolita Davidovich), who longs for a handsome widower named Jack (Steven Bauer). Oh, no!!! And all hell breaks loose when Carter finds out.

"Raising Cain" is fun, but it is not intended as a serious thriller since it too often mocks itself. The movie plays like a joke on De Palma's career. De Palma borrows freely from his favorite director of suspense, Hitchcock, and even rips himself off (look at the infamous shot of tennis shoes from "Dressed to Kill"). This makes for a highly uneven thriller, albeit with one or more red herrings than necessary. An example would be the cliche of the dream-within-the-dream that Davidovich has, which makes me squirm each time I see it (a similar sequence took place in "An American Werewolf in London"). Still, De Palma has moments that make you scream with delight and he knows how to draw suspense with precision and cleverness (the shocking flashback to Davidovich kissing Bauer at a hospital during New Year's Eve is a screamer). There is also a superb long tracking shot in a police station that is as equally breathless a scene as De Palma has ever done.

The performances may be over-the-top and silly, but it is still an intriguing movie to watch - a definite case of style over substance. De Palma knows how to engineer an efficient, suspenseful, chilling thriller, and for better or worse, that's exactly what "Raising Cain" is.