Momma Beheaded by a Basketball

DEADLY FRIEND (1986)

Reviewed By Jerry Saravia

Shortly after Wes Craven's "A Nightmare on Elm Street" came "Deadly Friend," an awkward hybrid of a teenage romantic comedy and gory horror film which unfortunately misses the mark. It did not do much for Craven's reputation or for audiences, and the results are middling at best.

Matthew Laborteaux is Paul, a 15-year-old scientific whiz kid who is also an innovative inventor. He has just moved to a new small town with his mother to study artificial intelligence at a prestigious university. Paul has a robotic companion named BeeBee who is operated by remote control. Life seems pleasant until Paul meets his next-door neighbor, Samantha (Kristy Swanson), who is physically abused by her father. Before you can say "Are we watching a John Hughes flick?", Samantha is tragically killed and BeeBee is blown to bits by a shotgun-wielding neighbor (Anne Ramsey). Paul decides to bring back Samantha by implanting a chip in her head, which miraculously brings her back to life (without benefit of an electrical charge!) The problem is that Samantha resembles a Gothic robot or ghoul from "Night of the Living Dead," and she begins to kill those who have treated her badly in the past. Not exactly what Paul had in mind.

For the first half-hour, "Deadly Friend" almost works and aims to be a charming, tongue-in-cheek teenage version of "The Bride of Frankenstein." Unfortunately, the relationship between Paul and Samantha is so undeveloped that she becomes a rampaging monster before we even to get to know her. The only thing Paul admires about Samantha are her breasts. There are too many plot holes as well, such as the remote control's inability to stop BeeBee or Samantha from progressing towards danger. Maybe Paul just needs new batteries in uneventful emergencies. Then there are a few nightmare sequences that must have been added due to Craven's success with the original "Elm Street." The film nicely sets up some ideas and characters and then chucks them all out the window in favor of a gory horror pic. What you can say about a film when the most talked-about scene involves a novel beheading by a basketball!

"Deadly Friend" was Craven's biggest studio film at the time, but it was obviously taken away from his hands by the producers. Underwritten characters, illogical plot twists and gratuitous gore only cheapen what might have been an inspired idea.

Parker's unflattering and sleep-inducing auditions

ELLIE PARKER (2005)

Reviewed By Jerry Saravia

"Ellie Parker" is a self-indulgent disaster - a movie about an actor's endless journey through casting auditions. Though it has Naomi Watts before her "Mulholland Dr." success, it features scant evidence of anything other than Watts's ability to transport herself into any kind of role.

Naomi Watts plays an actress, Ellie Parker, who goes from one audition to another and never quite gets anywhere. Of course, this tale is set in Hollywood, the land where you are either a waiter/waitress or an actor/actress (or an executive producer if you have no talent). One terrific scene shows Ellie leaving one audition where she played a Southern gal to another where she has to audition as a loveless slut. She changes her clothes while driving, practicing obscene lines with a Bronx accent.

Ellie's life is essentially an audition as well, an audition to find her identity. She loses focus and forgets why she ever wanted to be an actress. She has a boyfriend who has affairs, she sees a therapist, has a best friend and fellow actress who steals from antique stores, and not much else. One day, she has an encounter where she crashes into the car of a cinematographer (Scott Coffey). Of course, this cinematographer is not what he seems.

"Ellie Parker" was shot on a mini-DV camcorder with a constant hand-heldedness that might give you a migraine. I do not admonish anyone for using digital video (heck, George Lucas used it for the "Star Wars" prequel trilogy) but I do admonish anyone who can't hold the camera still for more than a few seconds. The technique works wonders sometimes, particularly a superbly funny and horrifying scene where Ellie and her friend test each other to see who can fake tears the fastest. Most of the time, the movie strains to be seen, fixating on unflattering close-ups of Watts' blonde hair and so on. Maybe the point is to show how unglamorous the life of a struggling actress can be, but a little stabilization with the camera wouldn't have hurt.

"Ellie Parker" first breathed life as a 15-minute short, later expanded over the years by writer-director Scott Coffey as a feature-length film. The problem is the movie coasts along on nothing more than Ellie's complaints about her self and self-worth without much introspection - she is simply an annoyance. Instead of depth of character, we get an unnecessary club scene where a practically unrecognizable Keanu Reeves appears; an inexplicable scene set inside a zoo; blue ice cream dripping from Ellie's lips; Chevy Chase as Ellie's agent; an unwatchable acting exercise; some moronic, zonked-out artists who are producing a movie they don't care about, and so on. Most of the goings-on seem dull and superfluous, saying little about Ellie Parker. Naomi Watts' breakout role in "Mulholland Dr." where she played a similar actress who has one outstanding audition said more about Hollywood and working actresses than anything in the vapid, interminable "Ellie Parker."

The worst Bruce Lee rip-off ever!

FIST OF FEAR, TOUCH OF DEATH (1980)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

I suppose nothing is worse than seeing something as appalling as a fake Bruce Lee biography. "Fist of Fear, Touch of Death" is not just a fake and wholly inaccurate biography, it is also the stupidest, most cheaply made, amateurish, stinking pile of maggot-infested cheese ever fostered on the American public. I suppose it would be forgivable if it was only shown on cable or video but this, this turd-like excuse for a movie, was shown in theaters!

Set in New York's Madison Square Garden, Adolph Caesar ("A Soldier's Story") is the news reporter who is there to cover a martial-arts tournament where the successor to Bruce Lee will be determined. Caesar interviews action stars like Fred "The Hammer" Williamson, who feels the whole event is a waste of time; Aaron Banks, who believes in the Bruce Lee conspiracy that Lee was killed by the "touch of death," and there is a faux interview with Bruce Lee himself drenched in sepia tones. Then we are treated to an overlong faux biography of Bruce himself for no reason other than to pad the film to an interminable 1 hour and twenty minutes. The biographical information is a joke, determining that Bruce's karate, not kung-fu influence, was from his great-great grandfather who was a Chinese samurai! Even I know that the samurai were Japanese, not Chinese - a better foundation for Lee's skills would've been if his ancestors came from the Shaolin Temple. The footage of his great-great grandfather is from some obscure martial-arts film where we see one long fight sequence involving, among other things, an abacus used as a weapon! Even better is the endless Lee footage from the short-lived TV series "Longstreet" masquerading as interview footage.

The best moment is when Lee meets with a film director about doing an action film based on his martial-arts experience, just prior to doing "The Green Hornet." Then we are shown a clip of some guy jumping off a roof! The problem with this glaringly erroneous fact is that Bruce never made an American martial-arts film prior to "The Green Hornet," and even his first American film was "Marlowe" in 1969 where he played a minion to a mafioso type. Let's not forget that even Lee's proposed "Kung-Fu" series was accepted but the producers felt the public wasn't ready for a Chinese-American action star so they cast David Carradine instead.

But "Fist of Fear" doesn't end there. In fact, excepting the last five minutes of the film, there is hardly any Madison Square Garden footage, and most of it is limited to talking head interviews. We are terrorized by scenes where Fred Williamson is mistaken for Harry Belafonte (!), a Kato-impersonator (Billy Louie) kicks the butt of potential Central Park rapists, Ron Van Clief kicking butt with more of these rapists, a few close-up shots of women's breasts and buttocks while they jog, an obviously fake tournament fight where Billy Louie plucks his opponent's eyeballs out and throws them to the audience, and more garbage filler than most dumpsters can carry. One thing you'll learn from this trash is that women are often raped by the attacker by, get this, merely holding the woman's hands against a wall and screaming obscenities. There is no theme, no story, no sense of purpose to "Fist of Fear," other than finding the successor to Bruce Lee. If the legendary Bruce Lee is not turning over in his grave, then I will when I die.

A new menace in Middle-Earth

THE HOBBIT (2012)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

The critics have declared Peter Jackson's "The Hobbit" too long, too expository, too much and, in some instances, too boring. Some have also complained about Peter Jackson's new invention - a 48-frame-per-second film that makes everything appear hyperreal - fake-looking in other words. I have not seen the film in this format so I can't comment but that hardly matters. "The Hobbit" is a lavishly mounted, extraordinarily intimate and awesome fantasy adventure - it blows away any other fantasy films since Jackson's own "Lord of the Rings: Return of the King." 

Bilbo Baggins (Martin Freeman) is a hobbit who happily smokes and eats in his own little house. He is approached one day by Gandalf the Grey (Ian McKellen), a wise old wizard who has summoned a league of extraordinary dwarves to Bilbo's house. Bilbo knows precious little about Gandalf (this tale takes place 60 years before "Lord of the Rings") and is dismayed by all these dwarves. Their mission is to go back to their own homeland called The Lonely Mountain, which they had lost to an intensely fire-breathing dragon named Smaug who drove them out and killed many. Dragons love gold and this Smaug basically sleeps in it. Gandalf wants to recruit the reluctant Bilbo as the "burglar" which would help the dwarfes enter their own palace of riches. On the way, the group confront giant Scottish-accented trolls; a Goblin King (Barry Humphries) with ravaged, acne-scarred skin and an oversized hanging chin; Radaghast the Brown (Sylvester McCoy), a wizard who resides in the forest and keeps bird poop on his head; the return of Gollum (Andy Serkis) who performs a game of riddles with Bilbo; the Stone Giants who try to crush each other while our heroes hang on for dear life and, most memorably, Azog the Pale Orc (Manu Bennett), a dangerous creature who lusts for war and intends nothing but to kill all dwarves. Naturally there has been some resentment towards Bilbo and that is true of the dwarf Thorin (Richard Armitage), a warrior who has a dislike for Elves and especially Azog. 

"The Hobbit" is simply a delight from first frame to last, easing from one encounter with fantastical creatures after another to dwarves singing and doing Bilbo's dishes! There are also the enormous vistas of Middle-Earth (played by New Zealand) coupled with vast palaces covered on every inch of floor by gold; the Goblin King's fiery underground lair; the deep bluish starkness of Azog's surroundings or the amber tones of Radaghast's own treehouse - all add great flavor and richness to the fantasy. Director Peter Jackson has also created the most convincing creatures I have seen in a fantasy film of this type yet, thanks to his creative WETA visual effects team. 

The story of this hobbit's adventure might be trifle next to the epic proportions of J.R.R. Tolkien's "The Lord of the Rings" but that would be false advertising. The book of "The Hobbit" could have been mined for a two hour film or less, but Jackson and his writers have taken the tale and expanded it (including returning characters like Saruman and Galadriel who were not in the book) with a flair and magical rhythm that makes you forget its running time which is precisely ten minutes short of a three-hour span. Martin Freeman is a wonder as Bilbo, smart and witty yet innocent of the dangers that lay ahead (he has also got Ian Holm's feistiness). Ian McKellen is as sublime as ever as Gandalf and Andy Serkis shows a more psychopathic Gollum than we had anticipated in the years prior to "Lord of the Rings." Finally, there is the rough and tough Richard Armitage as Thorin, a dwarf who shares some of Aragorn's cynicism (in hindsight, I see a similarity to Viggo Mortensen's iconic character) but is also changed by this hobbit who is along for the ride. 

"The Hobbit" is part of a new trilogy of stories by Jackson and I do look forward to seeing where this story goes. But what is most alluring and captivating about Jackson's return to Middle-Earth is the intimacy. My favorite scene is where Gandalf explains to Galadriel his reaction to the bravery of Bilbo Baggins. Gandalf speaks in such gentle tones and with such sympathy that it is extraordinarly moving. It shows Peter Jackson's heart is in the right place. 

Welles proved them wrong with Kane

RKO 281 (1999)

Reviewed By Jerry Saravia

It is suitably ironic that Orson Welles was largely ignored by Hollywood after "Citizen Kane" and "Touch of Evil" - they wanted no part of him. Now, Welles is afforded more unauthorized biographies and film books than probably any other director. His film noir classic "Touch of Evil" was recently restored to the director's original specifications and editing strategies, forty years after the fact. His reigning "Kane" won its place in the AFI list in 1998 as the greatest American film ever made. His rejected screenplay for "The Cradle Will Rock" has been made into a film by director Tim Robbins. Now we have the story of Welles' s battle over "Citizen Kane" called "RKO 281," a supremely entertaining film with ball-of-fire performances and authentic period detail.

This lush biography stars the well-cast Liev Schreiber as the 25-year-old boy wonder who took Broadway by storm, and conquered the airwaves with his infamous "War of the Worlds" broadcast. He is given the opportunity to make a film about "War of the Worlds" but convinces a studio boss (Roy Scheider) to give him support to make a film called "Citizen Kane." "Kane" is of course based on the pioneering news tycoon William Randolph Hearst (grandly played by James Cromwell), and once the insiders in Hollywood catch wind of this, all hell breaks loose. "Kane" is of course Welles's first attempt to act and direct a film, and this causes pressure for him and his crew, including telling his cinematographer to make holes in the floorboards so he can get a real low-angle shot! But once Hearst and his young wife (Melanie Griffith) hear that their life story will be a Hollywood movie, he makes demands on all the studios to burn all existing prints of the film.

"RKO 281" maintains a tight focus on Welles and his battle over having complete control over his project - this was of course his own downfall since he was never afforded that control again in Hollywood. The film shows him to be a genius and a manipulator, and there are the highs and lows of his relationship with screenwriter Herman J. Mankiewicz (John Malkovich) - the controversy existed about how much of Welles's input ended up in the screenplay.

Schreiber is perfect for the role, and even looks a little bit like Welles - his intense outbursts are particularly good. His relationship with Malkovich is also well-presented, and through them we see that making a film, no matter how passionate or personal it is, is an arduous chore - what collaborations aren't?

"RKO 281" has many extraordinarily shot sequences, such as Hearst's dinner party or the behind-the-scenes filming of "Kane" - at one point, a camera falls off a crane as it is tracking in for a close-up! I also like the moment when Welles is inspired by Hearst's house or the puzzle pieces on the floor. If nothing else, "RKO 281" could have been longer. There are no references to the actors who worked on "Kane" (except for Joseph Cotten) - where's Ruth Warrick or Agnes Moorehead or Ray Collins in all this? How about the specific lighting design of "Kane" with all those memorable shafts of light?

Minor carps overall, "RKO 281" is a splendid recreation of an era in Hollywood not so different from today's - when big bucks and box-office revenues accounted for more than artistic integrity. Thank God that Orson Welles proved them wrong.

Moore's targets are Canada Dry

CANADIAN BACON (1995)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia (Originally written in 2004)

The controversial left-wing connoisseur who confronts and embarrasses the corporate underbelly of America, Michael Moore, is best known for making documentaries that are as confrontational as he is. Moore's genius is his penchant for catching CEO's of big corporations with their pants down. But one thing he can't do is direct a fictional movie (though some might argue that his work is anything but non-fiction) and his sole fictional film from 1995, "Canadian Bacon," is proof of this. Although I admire the intentions, it is all about as laughable and satiric as anything seen in "Saturday Night Live" in the last decade.

The movie begins in Niagara Falls where American cops, like the local sheriff (John Candy) and his assistant (Rhea Perlman), are encouraging unemployed workers to commit suicide by jumping into the cascading falls. It seems that the local weapons factory, Hacker Dynamics, has closed down and laid off hundreds of workers (shades here of "Roger and Me"). The reason is simple: the elected President of the U.S. (Alan Alda) has no wars to fight, thus no weapons need to be made. As a result, the Prez is slipping in the polls. What can he do? Well, the National Security Adviser, Stuart Smiley (Kevin Pollak), and General Dick Panzer (Rip Torn) suggest searching for a new enemy. The Cold War is over (though they also suggest that some friction could be generated with Russia) and most of the other dictators are dead (amazing how the former and very much alive Iraqi president Saddam Hussein is ignored, though I liked the joke about Noriega). That leaves Canada, the country to the north of the U.S.! And why not? Look at their maple leave flag! Look at the socialist groups that exist! No crime, no wars, no major poverty, no way! Besides, they play that violent sport called hockey! The reluctant President decides to go along with it, at any cost! His administration will convince the American people that Canada is the new enemy!

As I said, the intentions are admirable and, sometimes, "Canadian Bacon" hits the satiric bone with a clear stroke. It is an ingenious premise and vintage Michael Moore (some of the ideas are reiterated in his galvanizingly funny book "Downsize This!") Unfortunately, Moore fails to imbue the ideas with comical payoffs or real brazen humor. Most scenes are flatly staged and utterly dull, including scenes of the Canadian control room where all electrical power is handled by two senior citizens! There is a terminally unfunny moment where an RCPM officer (Steven Wright) is confronted by Candy's sheriff - the officer's headquarters is surrounded by jailed Canadian citizens who have committed the most rudimentary offenses.

The performances are not any better, lacking any zest or comic energy. We have Alan Alda, who would be the ideal President, trying his damnedest to look like a buffoon - he hardly seems like a charismatic leader and appears to have molded his straight-man shtick from the latest Woody Allen flick. Rip Torn, as the shrewd general, brings all the fire and brimstone you might expect without a shred of comic timing - he is like a cardboard cartoon of himself. John Candy comes off best as the sheriff who wants to find his assistant and rescue her from the CN tower! Candy always had an undeniable comic gift yet he squandered it in films like this one. G.D. Spradlin, who plays the head of Hacker Dynamics, takes the route of playing his character straight, as it should be.

"Canadian Bacon" needed the zing and the comical innuendoes of Kubrick's "Dr. Strangelove" or even Sidney Lumet's "Network." Kubrick and Lumet knew how to make you laugh by taking a serious subject and poking fun at it by going to extremes. Moore will have none of that. He assumes the subject is funny on principle. All he has done is laid a big one on the audience.

This Lantern is hardly minty fresh

GREEN LANTERN (2011)

Reviewed By Jerry Saravia

Maybe it is stiff competition but 2011 brought two Marvel superheroes to the screen with blazing energy and colorful fun, those two being Thor and Captain America. That same year, DC Comics brought to the screen "Green Lantern," a convoluted misfire with a few tricks up its sleeve but with little of the pizazz and personality of its Marvel competition.

Ryan Reynolds is an ace fighter pilot, Hal Jordan, who has bad memories of his own father, a fighter pilot who lost control of one his planes and died in an explosion. Hal is supposed to be testing these new fighter planes and ejects himself before letting one explode (those planes are damn expensive). His on/off again girlfriend, Carol Ferris (Blake Lively), vice president of Ferris Aircraft, is upset by his inability to fly one of these planes and to let go of his past trauma. That is until Hal tries to rescue a crash-landed alien craft carrying one of the Green Lanterns from the planet Oa, who gives him the ring that will make Hal into a Lantern. This is no easy task - Hal trains to gain control of the ring which can conjure up anything he can imagine as a weapon. He better have a good imagination when he confronts the Parallax, a giant piece of the Nothing that consumes the lifeforce of everything, I gather, and destroys everything in its path with its various tentacles.

"Green Lantern" is a goofball comic-strip picture, short on logic and coherence, long on Hal's quips and elaborate action scenes. It is barely distinguishable from any other comic-book movie out there with the exception of the accent on the color green.  I have always liked Green Lantern from the comics but I gather this is one movie we did not need - it feels like a flavorless supersonic version of "The Matrix."  It is also another one of those movies where the laws of physics are grossly exaggerated, and where a human like Hal can be tossed from one room or wide open space to another without ever breaking a bone. I can handle that when it comes to a god like Thor or the Hulk or Spider-Man, but this Lantern seems impervious to any injury.

The Parallax is a fascinating looking monster - a former Guardian of the Universe who was exposed to the yellow energy of the fear. I wanted to see more of it rather than the painfully overwrought and uneven performance by Peter Sarsgaard who becomes an Elephant Man of sorts (with all due respect to John Merrick) after being exposed to the Parallax. Sarsgaard's character is a most unworthy villain when we learn little of his purpose or reasoning of trying to defeat Hal, other than being Carol's ex.

Ryan Reynolds is the right actor for the role, bringing it a level of exuberance and wit I had not seen from him before. But the movie directed by Martin Campbell (who made the roughest, toughest James Bond film in eons, "Casino Royale") exerts little patience for any real development of a story - his direction and Stuart Baird's editing zigzag all over the map from one situation and plot contrivance to another. I never got caught up in anything the Lantern(s) had to do except their mission - to destroy a giant gray cloud with spider legs. Not very momentous.