Grunts and an inert plot undermine Conan sequel

CONAN THE DESTROYER (1984)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Arnold Schwarzenegger established a career as an action star with "Conan The Barbarian," one of the best sword-and-sorcery flicks ever made. As written and directed by John Milius, it was a film of gestures and body language - imagine a comic-book with illustrations of swordsmen and pythons come to life. Hence, a sequel was quickly dispatched to cinemas known as "Conan the Destroyer," a hardly invigorating sequel with none of the juice or energy of the original.

Schwarzenegger reprises his role as the muscle-bound barbarian who handles a sword better than anyone - he also has the strength of ten thousand men. Conan is recruited by a persuasive queen (Sarah Douglas) to aid a virgin princess (Olivia D'Abo) to some crystal palace where a stone of some kind exists, yet it is guarded by a demonic guard. We also have the Wizard (Mako, nicely overacting) along for the ride, in addition to the queen's trusted palace guard (the humongous Wilt Chamberlain) who has dubious thoughts regarding the barbarian. Also, there is an electrically charged performance by Grace Jones, a warrior princess who could give Lucy Lawless's Xena the heebie jeebies. She is the one redeeming feature of this inert fantasy.

There are the standard sword battles, the usual grunts and monosyllabic speech of Conan and a statue that comes to life that guards the stone, or was it jewels (I tend to forget these details). The violence is less graphic thanks to a ridiculous PG-13 rating - this kind of tale is supposed to be dark, larger-than-life and graphic. None of this matters since not one scene works on any level. There is no sense of adventure or excitement and hardly much of a story. The special-effects lack the magic of the original film. After it is all over, we are told in an epilogue that Conan will someday rule as king. The fact that a "Conan III" never materialized should be considered a blessing. (UPDATE: "The Legend of Conan" might become a reality, rather than the originally titled "King Conan." Schwarzenegger is returning and I am hoping it is better than this limp sequel and limp remake). 

Day the Clown Cried Behind-the-scenes

THE DAY THE CLOWN CRIED FOOTAGE SURFACES

By Jerry Saravia

It seems not too long ago that Jerry Lewis spoke very negatively of "The Day the Clown Cried," an unfinished film he directed back in the early 1970's. As a refresher course on this controversial, unreleased film, Jerry Lewis play the title role of a German circus clown named Helmut Doork who entertains Jewish children repeatedly (they laugh at his antics) despite being admonished and beaten by the Nazis each time. Before long, he is mistakenly stationed in Auschwitz where he continues to entertain the Jewish children who are being readied for the gas chamber.

Reportedly, from many sources involved with the production, the film was a disaster (one such source was "This is Spinal Tap's" own Harry Shearer who saw the film). Jerry Lewis himself had tried to complete it and have it ready for release but faced many financial and legal entanglements. Most recently at a Cinefamily Q&A event at the Los Angeles Silent Movie Theatre, Lewis was asked if the film would ever surface in any fashion. He replied: "...in terms of that film I was embarrassed. I was ashamed of the work, and I was grateful that I had the power to contain it all, and never let anyone see it. It was bad, bad, bad."

Just a couple of days ago, Youtube uploaded a 7-minute behind-the-scenes special with footage and some takes with sound from the film, originally discovered in a Flemish website. The footage has Lewis juggling balls and performing some funny tricks with a candle, discussing the use of temp music to get the actors ready and engaged for their scenes, and several other clowns who mug for the camera. This may be as close as anyone gets to seeing a frame of this controversial film beyond what A&E aired years ago.

Buzz is back and LOUD

THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 2 (1986)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Tobe Hooper's "Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2" is one of the loopiest, demented horror sequels ever made - a nonstop avalanche of bloodcurling terror and black humor. There is never any respite from the chaos or the dementia - it goes on and on. Though it is not as gory as one might think, it is not everyone's cup of tea, not if you are in the mood for pleasant time-filler.

Part 2 takes place several years after the events of the first film. An opening sequence shows two college-age kids attacked by a chainsaw-wielding maniac on a pickup truck. They are killed in grisly fashion while talking to a disc jockey on the air. The next day, a former sheriff (Dennis Hopper) investigates the crime and wants to put a stop to the cannibal family that killed a relative of his in the past. The disc jockey, Stretch (Caroline Williams), decides to help the sheriff by airing the audio tape she made of the grisly crime, despite the conflicts with the FCC. The hope is that authorities will realize that the cannibal family must be captured and brought to justice. Naturally, after the tape is aired, a gangly, greasy-haired man named Chop Top (Bill Moseley) makes inquiries about the tape. Before you can say the buzz is back, the chainsaw-wielding Leatherface (Bill Johnson) and his family raise holy hell all over again. This includes the wicked father who runs a profitable chili business and the 130-year-old grandfather who seems to drink blood to stay alive. Gross? Yep, including Chop Top's constant scratching of the metal plate on his head with the use of a hanger that he...well, folks, I hate to gross you out.

"Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2" is merely frenetic and cartoonish from start to finish, and Mr. Hooper doesn't know when to quit. The crazed family now live in an abandoned amusement park of sorts with a house built underground on several levels. So we see one room and passageway after another decorated with candles and cadavers. Miss Williams runs from one room to another, constantly screaming in the highest pitches imaginable - certainly topping Miss Marilyn Burns own screams from the original. And Mr. Hopper, pre-"Blue Velvet", finds their living quarters and starts to cut down the foundation with several chainsaws. So we see some bloodletting (though it is kept to a minimum), Leatherface making Miss Williams do the most disgusting acts imaginable, Chop Top screaming about Vietnam, a dueling chainsaw match, old gramps licking his lips with glee, a suicide involving a grenade in someone's butt, and so on.

For sheer sweat-inducing thrills and genuine claustrophobia, I still highly recommend the original "Chainsaw Massacre" (nobody has ever made a frightening, never-ending nightmare like it since, not even Hooper). For genuinely cartoonish mayhem and melodramatic thrills with its tongue firmly placed on its cheek, this highly over-the-top sequel is the one to see. Hooper still knows how to engineer a feverish, energetic horror film like no one else, and the abrupt ending with Williams dancing around with a chainsaw still makes me shiver. It's just that the pitch is set a little too high. Or perhaps the buzz on that chainsaw is just a tad too loud.

Helter Skelter is more compelling than this

KILLER: A JOURNAL OF MURDER (1997)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

"Killer: A Journal of Murder" is a laborious, clear-studied case in excess: it is relentlessly overdone with bad acting, bad direction, and laughably pretentious dialogue to boot. All I could keep asking myself was: why did Oliver Stone serve as one of the executive producers of this junk?

The "killer" of the title is Leavenworth convict Carl Panzram (James Woods), a real-life murderer who killed every person or thing that crossed his path without hesitation. Carl is a thoroughly repellent, remorseless, amoral human being with no redeeming values or virtues whatsoever, except that he's a brilliant writer and an intellectual. Oh, really? Apparently, a Jewish prison guard (Robert Sean Leonard) takes an interest in this killer, and brings him writing supplies and a notepad so that Carl can write his life, er death, stories. Harold Gould plays the prison guard as an old man as he narrates the story of Carl, who in turn tells us his side of the story, the basis for the "journal," in amateurish flashbacks complete with badly edited newsreel footage.

Director Tim Metcalfe has no idea how to steer such unpleasant material so he takes the Peckinpah approach (with less of a lean edge): he throws everything up in the air without sorting any of the details or characters (Metcalfe dedicates the film to Sam Peckinpah). For instance, why would a Jewish prison guard be interested in a character like Carl? What about the other inmates? And why is Carl depicted as devoid of human feeling only to turn into a compassionate, saintly figure by the end of the film? And why is Lili Taylor's cameo so much more effective than anything else in the movie?

"Killer" is ambiguous, dull, and uninteresting; the narrative structure is so sloppily fragmented that it will give you a migraine. The actors give forced, listless performances, especially the unconvincing Robert Sean Leonard ("Dead Poets Society"). For a look at Woods's more subtle, less maniacal roles, check out "True Believer," "Cop" and "The Boost." Anything is better than this tripe.

Gremlins Goes to the Circus

KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE (1988)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Never has a title captured so fittingly the essence of a film. "Killer Klowns From Outer Space" is one of those midnight movies that looks like a home movie and should never have been given a rating by the MPAA. Well, let's scratch that idea. It should never have materialized from the written page. I do not think there was even a screenplay.

I have seen my share of bad movies. There are bad movies, good bad movies, and truly self-destructively bad movies. "Killer Klowns" falls under the latter category. It is what it is. There are aliens from outer space who look like grotesque clowns (or klowns, for that matter). They zap humans with laser guns that turn the human victims into cotton candy cocoons. Meanwhile, one teenage couple discovers that these clowns are up to some murderous business. They try to convince the police and a couple of ice cream truck drivers, known as the Terenzi brothers, that the clowns are aliens. Lo and behold, nobody believes them until it is too late.

I just found myself yawning throughout this junk. Think of "Gremlins Goes to the Circus" though not as appealing an idea as one might admit. The humor, characters, situations and overall camerawork and lighting are garden variety at best. Except for the occasionally funny shenanigans of Officer Mooney (John Vernon), nothing here offers the slightest hint of scares or black humor. I suppose this was meant to be an intentional comedy-horror film but the melding of the two genres is so haphazardly handled that a grade-school kid could write better dialogue than the writer-director Chiodo brothers team who are responsible for this travesty.

I suspect that if the Mystery Science Theatre group were watching this, they would crack jokes at the sheer badness of it every second. Come to think, that sounds like a good idea after all.

I Wanted to Become a Model and an Actress

ANNA NICOLE (2013)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Agnes Bruckner as Anna

 Anna Nicole Smith always struck me as a blonde Marilyn Monroe-type who never took herself too seriously. She seemed to always be acting, playing it up as an ex-Playboy bunny/wannabe actress who made it in Hollywood because of the size of her breasts. In the Lifetime movie, she is shown as nothing more a pill-popping boorish drunk who desired fame and fortune by sleeping her way to the top. I miss the effervescent smile, the act of pretending that all this glamour meant so much. This TV-movie (the second one since 2009) may respect her as an individual technically, but it is only fleetingly the portrait of the Anna Nicole we saw in the media.

The real Anna Nicole Smith

Agnes Bruckner plays the Southern Anna Nicole, from her days of having a child at a young age and ignored by her mother (played by an unrecognizable Virginia Madsen), to her days as a stripper who got boob enhancements to get bigger tips (36DD to be precise), to her short relationship and marriage to 80-year-old oil business mogul J. Howard Marshall II (Martin Landau, always excellent) who never judged her and found her "photogenic," to her Playboy days (which are given short-shrift), to being a model and semi-actress in movies like "Skyscraper," etc.

The movie, written by Joe Bateer and John Rice, races past many events in Anna Nicole's life without focusing on any of them in any intimate manner. Anna drinks and pops pills and vomits while her son, Daniel, tries to make her change her ways (and her lesbian love affairs in elevators to boot). Some of the scenes between Anna and her son are powerful (and I liked the cliche of her future self and her child-like self reflected in mirrors, one offering a future of glitz, and the other being more disapproving of where she ended up). Other times, there is a little too much focus on her drinking incessantly - I understand showing the negative with the positive but there is precious little shown that is positive.

Most of the cast does the best they can with thin, marginalized material. Martin Landau elevates his role with cherished moments of subtle grace and humor ("You make me feel like 75 all over again") but when his greedy son (Cary Elwes, who is an expertly bad actor) appears, he drags the movie down with a mannered, emotionless performance. Same with Adam Goldberg as Howard K. Stern, an eerie resemblance to be sure, but his character exists as some sort of impotent chum who hung on to Anna but we never quite figure out why (Blink and you'll miss the crucial character of Daniel Birkhead, who does nothing more than have sex with Anna and shoot her pic for no more than 3 minutes of screen time). Everyone exists as a pawn in Anna Nicole's life to be used and drained of all financial resources except for her cherished Daniel, who eventually succumbed to drugs and died before Anna did. If the movie had established a closer look at Anna and her son (especially the reality show they were in), in addition to revealing more insight into her lifestyle beyond drinking binges, it might have been more than a mediocre biography about any starlet (a shame considering the director is Mary Harron, who also helmed "American Psycho" and "Notorious Bettie Page"). The truth is Anna Nicole was more than an average starlet - she was Anna Nicole Smith!

'Marty' meets Ernest Hemingway

HEAVY (1995)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

(original review from 1996 screening)

"Heavy" is the most refreshingly unsentimental and most heartbreaking portrait of small-town life I have ever seen. Forget "Nobody's Fool" or the slew of feel-good movies patterned after it - this is the real article. At its center is the remarkably mute performance by Pruitt Taylor Vince - a performance you're not likely to forget. It's "Marty" meets Ernest Hemingway.

Pruitt Taylor Vince plays a balding, shy, reticent heavy-set man named Victor who works as a pizza cook at his mother's depressing tavern, Pete and Dolly's in Upstate New York. Shelley Winters plays the mother, Dolly, who owns the tavern, and dotes on her son for cooking breakfast for her every morning. Victor lives with his mother in an equally depressing house with cracked white walls and an insistent little mutt for a pet. Once in a while, a regular, inebriated customer (Joe Grifasi) sleeps over their house. Sometimes, a trashy waitress (Deborah Harry) takes him in. Nothing here is suggestive of an exciting life - it's time that Victor leave for a more comforting environment, but where?

Suddenly, a savior seems to come into town in the form of a bright angel named Callie (Liv Tyler) who becomes the new waitress at the tavern. Victor is immediately smitten, but is unable to vocalize his affections. He notices that Callie has a guitarist boyfriend (Evan Dando) who disapproves of her workplace and the people that inhabit it. However, she doesn't seem happy in her relationship or with drifting around from one small town to another. She does take comfort in Victor, and they take photographs of each other and play solitaire. Victor realizes he can't have her because of his weight, and becomes self-conscious.

We suspect from the beginning that Dolly doesn't want her son to consort with outsiders, much less someone like the voluptuous Callie. She tells her son, at one point, "You're not fat. You're husky. Well-built." The older, slutty waitress sees Callie as a threat and tries, in one beautiful scene at an airport, to kiss the reluctant Victor. But all Victor wants is to go to the local cooking college and stay with Callie.

"Heavy" is not a typical family drama, or a made-for-TV-movie about a shy man who learns to love life again and possibly end up with the girl at the end. "Heavy," as written and directed by first-time director James Mangold, has a stately, controlled pace with well-developed characters whom we see against a dreary, hopeless backdrop. There are no easy resolutions, or needlessly uncomplicated characters - the movie strives to make you see the world that surrounds Victor and all that he has left in it.

Pruitt Taylor Vince, a journeyman character actor, is convincingly reticent as Victor, a man who doesn't say much and envisions himself as a savior and hero in his metaphoric rescue attempt to save Callie. The film becomes uncomfortable to watch after a while because of Victor's silence - it is like watching a silent movie about a repressed man. Shelley Winters is wonderfully restrained as the bright Dolly who misses her late husband Pete, a trucker. Deborah Harry brings depth to her waitress character without including the usual stereotypical tics; a woman who's been in the same place for far too long. The biggest flaw is Evan Dando as the boyfriend (a shallow man, too) - Dando is not an actor, just an annoyance, and I would have preferred a more charismatic actor for an essentially undefined role.

"Heavy" is not for all tastes, but it is an intelligent character study about a lonely man who can't communicate in a desperate lonely, uncommunicative town.