Where are my TITS?

MYRA BRECKINRIDGE (1970)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

"Myra Breckinridge" is a wacky, nonsensical mess of a travesty, and I liked it. I suppose it is a guilty pleasure on all counts but it is never boring and consistenly mesmerizing in its attemps to film the unfilmable, namely a book by Gore Vidal of the same name. I've read portions of the book (written as a diary) and it is so suffused with sexual explicitness and innuendoes of every kind at every turn that no film could ever really do it justice, especially when the book's main theme is that heterosexual men can be made into homosexuals. The film adaptation doesn't quite fulfill the book's themes, nor is it as pointed in its criticism of WASP values as it is a critique of Hollywood at its most base. Still, the fact that someone tried to make a film out of it is cause for a minor celebration.

Rex Reed (in his sole leading role) is a homosexual writer named Myron, who undergoes a major sex operation and becomes Myra (played by Raquel Welch). Never mind that Welch looks nothing like Reed - hey, it's a movie - but that there is no real correlation in their behavior either. This is probably why writer-director Michael Sarne chooses to have Rex Reed on screen at the same time as Welch, and they both talk to each other! At one point, Reed masturbates and imagines fellatio with Myra, I gather, in a scene that must have caused more laughter than hysteria of the inclusion of such a scene in an X-rated film of 1970.

So we have John Huston as a former movie cowboy with an oversized hat running an acting school that admonishes the film acting found in B-movies, though Myra is of the opinion there is value to be found in them. There is also a stoned John Carradine smoking a cigarette as he performs the movie's opening operation; Mae West as a Hollywood talent agent who has an affinity for male hunks and makes more sexual remarks and double entendres than any of her past movies combined; Farrah Fawcett as a slightly dim blonde who loves Myra; and a scene involving sodomy with a dildo that is neither as ugly or unwatchable as its reputation seems to suggest.

In fact, "Myra Breckinridge" is hardly as wrenchingly bad as its reputation suggests. This is a far better wacky film of wacky proportions than Gus Van Sant's unwatchable atrocity of an unfilmable novel, "Even Cowgirls Get the Blues." "Myra Breckinridge" forges sex jokes galore but it is also a condemnation of any Hollywood movie made before the MPAA ratings were implemented. Scenes of Rex Reed are a bit long on the tooth - he is not a charismatic actor and looks zombiefied throughout - but he himself has expressed more admiration for any movie made before 1950.

I would say some novels are not meant for film adaptation but "Myra Breckinridge" features Rex Reed at his liveliest only when dancing and cavorting with Welch while listening to Shirley Temple's song "You Gotta S-M-I-L-E (To Be H-A-Double P-Y)", and he even gets to say the line, "Where are my tits?" I can say that although the movie's pleasures may be small, I did get a kick out of it and enjoyed this garish, brightly lit opus that is like a zonked-out, flashy erotic dream drained of eroticism. Interesting.

Soon he will know

'STRANGE' TEASER

By Jerry Saravia

The narration seems to have been read by either Ian McKellen or Thomas Hardy. There is black-and-white footage of a man with scraggly long hair and his wrists seem to be bound. He is walking in the beach at night and he drops to his knees as the waves surround him. The narrator indicates that this man doesn't know who he is, but soon he will know. "Men become lost. Men vanish. Men become erased...and reborn." Then we see another man holding a light of some sort (flashlight, lantern), and his lips are seemingly stitched together. The title reads: "Soon he will know" which appears on the screen and then slowly each word fades away leaving us with the word "Soon."

What in creation is this? All we know is that this is Bad Robot production and it is perhaps produced, if not directed, by J.J. Abrams. Considering his directorial plate is full now with "Star Wars Episode VII" and a new "Star Trek" feature in the horizon, it is hard to say if this is a new project he had worked on already and still in post-production or if it is something he is currently filming with some other director, or if this is a sneak peek at the new "Star Wars" film (I somehow doubt it). Whatever it is, it has piqued my interest just like J.J's "Super 8" teaser from 2010. Check it out below.

Dusty, dank, dreary Oz

RETURN TO OZ (1985)

Reviewed By Jerry Saravia

"The Wizard of Oz" remains arguably the most beloved fantasy film of all time. No other film has inspired audiences as much as "Oz" and its cult status remains high. Who doesn't know Dorothy and her pals in that magic land over the rainbow? What is surprising is that the books by L. Frank Baum are scarier and darker than the film was. "Return to Oz" is an attempt to mix some of that darkness with Oz, and the result is a mixed bag at best. Though there are some fantastic images, the movie is inert and lacking a crucial ingredient - magic.

As the film opens, Dorothy (Fairuza Balk, in her astonishing debut performance) is still living with Aunt Em (Piper Laurie) and Uncle Henry (Matt Clark) in good old Kansas. Only this Kansas is not in sepia tones, it is more of a dour place to live in. What's worse is that Aunt and Uncle decide that Dorothy, who can't separate reality from her own dreams, should see the local town doctor. This means that Dorothy has to undergo electric shock-therapy (!) to rid of her dreams and make her realize that Oz does not exist. However, an electrical storm takes place one night which enables Dorothy to run away from the hospital. She conks her head and suddenly she is back in the magical land of Oz. But this Oz is not any better than Kansas. The magical city of Oz is in ruins with creatures running around on wheels, known as the Wheelers, taunting anyone that comes in their path. There is also a skeletal-like creature with a pumpkin on his head, a strange robot named Tik-Tok, and the return of old favorites like the Scarecrow, the Cowardly Lion and the Tin Man. And there is a being known as the Nome King (voiced by Nicol Williamson) who is essentially made of rock.

The movie is dazzling in its special-effects and incredible production design, such as the Nome's rocky digs or a princess's palace where animated heads decorate her walls. Although I agree that the tone should be darker than the 1939 classic, something else is off. Fairy tales often have a dark edge to them, particularly Roald Dahl's work, but what is missing here is conviction, amazement and wonder. Oz is perceived as a place where no magic ever existed - what child would want to dream of a magic land that is always nightmarish? Well, "Alice in Wonderland" is akin to that style, a nightmare that one can't wake up from. But the movie lacks the wonder, the awe that is central to a child's innocence, especially someone like Dorothy. In the 1939 film, one never got the impression that Dorothy wasn't astounded at the sights she saw. Here, Dorothy acts like Oz is a run-down town like Kansas, nothing here to take away from the experience. I never got the impression Dorothy saw any difference between Oz and Kansas.

"Return to Oz" is a technical triumph and tremendously well-cast, but it lacks innocence and a sense of magic. Something like 1984's "The Never-Ending Story" possessed all those ingredients. That film was about a kid reading a fairy tale book and getting hooked by the adventures he was reading and actually living them. Here, there is nothing to get hooked by. You are more likely to get hoodwinked.

Sarah is one devilish, dangerous comedienne

SARAH SILVERMAN: JESUS IS MAGIC (2005)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

"I don't care if you think I'm racist. I only care if you think I'm thin." - Sarah Silverman

Sarah Silverman is such a disarming, sweet, likable presence that you are almost shocked to hear the things that come of her mouth. But calling her a potty-mouthed, "dirty Jew" comedian would do her a great disservice. Sarah Silverman is unique in that she gets away with it - all the racist slurs she invokes with insight show she cares and sees the hipocrisy inherent in our culture. I believe she is one of our great comedians and has a superb future ahead of her, and this proof is delivered amply in "Sarah Silverman: Jesus is Magic."

This 72-minute quasi-concert film begins with Sarah seated with two show-biz friends (comedian Brian Posehn and Sarah's sister, Laura Silverman) who brag about their success. Then they ask her what she is up to. Sarah hesitantly tells them she'll be performing a one-woman show. And so we are off to the first musical number where she tries to come up with a show, and then the show begins. All I can say is "Jesus is Magic" is funny and shocking all at the same time. Like fellow comedian Joy Behar said, Sarah is dangerous and can make one nervous.

Take for example Sarah's joke about 9/11 (if you are already squeamish reading this, don't read further). She claims the slogan for American Airlines should be "the first airline to hit the towers." Yep, maybe not so funny when you read it in a sentence. But when Sarah delivers the line, it is somehow tempered with enough sincerity and coquettishness that you might be shocked, but you won't hold it against her. After all, she is making a point about how everyone has to slap a slogan on everything, including 9/11. And it is funny but not in an uncomfortable manner, especially when she realized on that day how many calories are in a soy milk latte. 900 calories, apparently.

Sarah gives us comfort or, more appropriately, she places us in a comfort zone. She looks like a Catholic schoolgirl - brunette, long neck, speaks in a Valley Girl accent (she would fit right in with the cast of "Heaven Help Us" or at my Catholic elementary school if it weren't for the fact that she is Jewish). We start to feel cozy with her because she is not threatening. Then she hits us with jokes about the Holocaust where her grandmother was once in a concentration camp; black teenage girls having babies; de-boning Ethiopian babies to get their tailbones for decorative rings; AIDS; Jewish people buying German cars; racial slurs and stereotypes; anal rape; strippers as role models; porno actors like Ron Jeremy, etc. To top it all off, there is a musical number where Sarah sings to the elderly patients reminding them over and over again that they will die. And to make those even more squeamish post-Michael Richards racist tirade, she uses the "N-word" in a musical number that ends with two black guys staring at our disarming, Pucci-dressed comedian.

Clearly, Sarah Silverman is not for everyone. You might recognize Ms. Silverman from talk shows (including her boyfriend's show, Jimmy Kimmel) and from Saturday Night Live, not to mention her short role in "School of Rock." But there is something truly clever and audacious and inspiring about Sarah Silverman. I think the key ingredient is the way she tells her humorous stories - there is a hesitancy and she is apologetic up to a point. Plus, she is attractive and sincere, not to mention disarming. Therefore, when she hits the jugular with confrontational jokes, you smile and you might even laugh but mostly, you do not hate her for it. To call her unique doesn't even begin to describe her natural comedic talent - she is a becalming force of nature that hits you like a ton of bricks.

At 72 minutes, "Jesus is Magic" is still too short (and the hospital music number could've been excised with no real damage). I love most of the colorful musical numbers, and Sarah's last bit involving multiple orgasms is hilarious. I still hope she can do a full-blown concert film someday, something a little long than an hour and ten minutes.

God needs six screenwriters?

OH, GOD!: BOOK TWO (1980)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

One of the charms of the original "Oh, God!" was its sincerity. It helped that the late and very sincere John Denver was the supermarket manager in the original who sincerely believed that he saw and spoke to God. He is in disbelief over it but he starts to believe, and so do we. That charm is diminished a little bit in "Oh, God!: Book II" but it is not totally withdrawn. I just found this sequel perhaps a little too cutesy for its own good.

Louanne plays Tracy Richards, an 11-year-old girl whom God invites to the lounge room at a Chinese restaurant to talk business. Tracy is a little mystified (and who wouldn't be when the invitation is in a fortune cookie) and, sure enough, God (George Burns) is there. He tells Tracy that He has a little job for her - to remind people that God still exists. Tracy has to come up with a slogan and, after much hard work, comes up with "Think God." She has to spread the word like a modern-day apostle. She prepares banners at school, spray-paints the words at churches, restaurants and everywhere else. Of course, she does her job too well since she is suspended from school and is recommended for treatment at a mental institution! (If this movie were made today, it would've expanded the whole separation of church and state controversy). Naturally, Tracy's parents (David Birney, Suzanne Pleshette) are outraged yet feel obligated to conform to the doctors and the school officials' requests.

"Oh, God!: Book II" is serviceable entertainment but it is oddly too reverential. The wonderful thing about the original "Oh, God!" is that it never took itself too seriously. This movie pokes a little fun at first, but then it starts to veer away from any comical charms in its premise and starts to treat the material a little too matter-of-factly. We do not need so many scenes of Tracy undergoing cat scans or being interviewed by a psychiatrist. We want to see more scenes of George Burns's God helping Tracy with her math homework, taking her for a ride in a motorcycle, explaining why evil has to exist, and so on. " Oh, God! Book II" is not an excruciating sequel but it is extraordinarily bland (even blander was the snore-inducing "Oh, God! You Devil!"). There are a few laughs, a few smiles, and a silly courtroom climax that is merely a retread of the original. This is a harmless family film, but even God would agree that the filmmakers should have had more faith in their story. Most pressing question: Why does God need six screenwriters?

You flunk with this project

MY SCIENCE PROJECT (1985)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

I recall going to my neighborhood theater in Queens, New York back in good old 1985 to see "Back to the Future." As I was perusing through the hallway theater at other movies playing, I noticed they were showing "My Science Project." The scene I took a gander at featured some kids dressed as the stormtroopers from "Star Wars." I always wondered what that scene was about. Sixteen years later, I finally watched the actual film for the first time. I wish I had not bothered finding out.

A teenage car mechanic (John Stockwell) is failing his science class. His wild hippie teacher (Dennis Hopper) warns him that he better get his grade up or he will fail him for the semester. The kid goes on a date with a four-eyed blonde nerd (Danielle von Zerneck) to a missile base where he discovers a crystal sphere. He decides that this is his science project since the sphere looks, well, cool and it emits a phosphorescent glow! With the help of his Fonzie-like best friend (a very young Fisher Stevens) and his date, they inadvertently unleash a time-travel force from this sphere where dinosaurs, gladiators, the Vietcong and other figures from the past run rampant inside the local high school!

This is not a bad plot to speak of, just rottenly executed. The characters are unappealing and uncharismatic - Stockwell as the lead exhibits no personality whatsoever. The jokes are juvenile and putrid at best (Stevens humming the "Mission: Impossible" theme is the best the writers can do). The romance between Stockwell and von Zerneck is a joke in itself (at least von Zerneck fared better as Richie Valens' girlfriend in "La Bamba" two years later). The special-effects are bland and forgettable (laser blasts are better handled in "Star Wars"). The T-Rex has precious little screen time. Only Dennis Hopper saves the day as the hippie teacher - his last scene is hysterical as he is dressed in the same garb from "Easy Rider" and ecstatically mentions revisiting Woodstock! And as for my memory of those stormtroopers? Well, all I can say is that George Lucas should sue.

Not a ghost of a chance

GHOST IN THE MACHINE (1993)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Original review from 2003

Back in the day when the Internet was known as the Information Superhighway and nobody knew what an email was, a little film called "Ghost in the Machine" was released in theatres. It focused on the dangers of the Internet, particularly when somebody can have access to anything like bank account numbers, address books, shopping lists, etc. Well, those ideas are at the surface of "Ghost in the Machine," a ludicrous, snail-paced slasher movie that tries to pass itself off as relevant and timely. Not a ghost of a chance.

The opening scenes give the impression that we are about to see an average slasher picture. A young man, who works in an Ohio computer store, steals address books from clients and begins murdering every one of the occupants at these addresses. The latest client is Terry Monroe (Karen Allen), who mistakenly leaves her address book in the store (I suppose the killer will only kill forgetful people who leave their address books in the store? Just a guess). The young man races in his car in the rainy night to give back the book to Terry and presumably kill her. There is a tragic accident where the killer's car careens into a cemetery, and he gives one of those devilish laughs that signifies he was expecting this to happen. He is taken to the hospital for an MRI when an electrical storm causes a malfunction in the circuits. This supercharged electrical storm metamorphoses the killer into a human computer signal where he can access anyone's computer and kill them. His last target is Terry and her wanna-be rapper son.

The only problem with this conceit is that the killer is not just a computer signal beaming down from a satellite or a tech company. He can also travel through electrical wires and zap you through your washer machine, toaster oven, microwave, hair dryer (!), radio, and so on (much like the killer in "Shocker.") In other words, the movie seems to be saying that no electrical appliances are safe in your own home, and for goodness sakes', seal those electrical outlets! Perhaps the message is that we are so dependent on our appliances that we should consider cooking our food at a campfire and speak to people on the street instead of calling them and/or emailing them. After all, a killer could be loose and increase our electric bill.

This movie was a downward trajectory for Karen Allen, who has none of the spit, fire or polish of her more accomplished roles - she is as indifferent as the rest of the cast is. As for the killer, the actor has a certain creepiness but since the writers have given no real apparent motive except the desire to kill anyone within his reach (especially Terry's friends), there is nothing to cling to - he is just a one-dimensional inhuman killer. Delete this ghost of a movie.