Sequelitis, in the worst possible way

THE WORST AND MOST DISAPPOINTING SEQUELS OF ALL TIME

By Jerry Saravia

The poster is funnier than the movie

Movie sequels populate our current cinematic landscape in greater numbers than thirty years ago. It used to be seen as a step down to sequelize any film, let alone remake it. Times have changed, and franchise is the key word used to capitalize on the original success. I would never have thought that we would have two movies called "Halloween II" or "Spider-Man 2" - there is no shame anymore when even sequels are remade. In the past, sequels would end up straight-to-VHS or DVD, including such "wonderful" movies like "The Amityville Horror" series or "Children of the Corn." Now, most of them are unleashed in theaters and some of them are sequels to movies that were not big hits such as "Percy Jackson," which looks and feels like warmed-up leftovers from the Harry Potter series (never mind that the former and the latter are based on a series of books). 

The following is a list of sequels that weren't just bad - they were unfathomably awful and had little to no connection to their original counterparts. They removed any trace of what made the originals work or, in some cases, the first or second sequels. Few sequels match the flavor or inventiveness of the originals (a topic for another time) but sequels that barely try, that are created out of greed, those are legion. So let's soak in the cruddiness, and further below are sequels that just barely hit the mark of a good movie, that disappointed our initial expectations. (Note: If you are wondering why there is an omission of "Children of the Corn" sequels, or the "Vacation" series or the terminally unfunny "Fletch Lives," or perhaps "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" or the Star Wars prequel trilogy, it may be because I have not seen them all or don't think they are all as bad or as disappointing as others might think).

THE WORST OF THE WORST (THIS TIME, IT'S PERSONAL):

JAWS THE REVENGE (1987)  - Yep, I have gone back to the water with deciphering earlier "Jaws" flicks, including one in 3-D, but this snoozer really takes the cake for jumping the shark (so to speak). Lorraine Gary is back as Chief Brody's wife, who senses that a relative of the shark that was killed in Spielberg's original is seeking revenge! There are also those cliched, annoying dream-within-dream sequences and an ending that literally rips off the original, including using the same exact underwater shot of the shark's bloody carcass! I not only wasted two hours of my life on this one, I also wasted five minutes of my life walking to the library to rent it.

CANNONBALL RUN II (1984) - No coast-to-coast racing, no real jokes, no scenes shared between Frank Sinatra and his own friends (if you see the movie, you will know what I mean). I am no fan of the original "Cannonball Run" but this car wreck is not even mildly amusing - Burt Reynolds' charm can only carry a movie so far (and what a waste of a cast that includes Shirley MacLaine and a triple dozen cameos). This one is horse dung and revenge for those who may have liked Burt Reynolds in "Stroker Ace" (God help you all).

 SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT PART 3 (1983) - No Burt Reynolds as the returning Bandit except for a closing scene (that is in fact imagined), which spells trouble for a sequel right off the bat. Jackie Gleason is back as Sheriff Buford Pusser, playing the character as a catatonic parody. The Bandit this time is Jerry Reed. This disposable celluloid turd is a surefire way of curing insomnia. By the way, a fourth chapter followed that ended up as a TV movie, and it is actually more snore-inducing than this one.

HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH (1982)

- Another case of arbitrarily using a Roman numeral in front of a movie to ensure people walk in and pay for a movie ticket. "Halloween III" bears no relation to either of the first two "Halloween" flicks - it is a semi-remake of either "Invaders From Mars" or "Invasion of the Body Snatchers." There is no Michael Myers, only robots who walk around and kill people in a small town. Dan 0'Herlihy is the evil maker of masks who wants to murder thousands of children on Halloween night by making them watch a stupid commercial. Creepy song and a dark ending to be sure, but mostly execrable acting and a silly, poorly conceived climax involving Stonehenge (also figured in the climax to a good/bad movie, "Troll 2"). Several other sequels followed but Number 3 has the distinction of having a trailer that is far spookier than what ended up on screen.

STAYING ALIVE (1983) - Best thing that can be said about this is that it was not titled "Saturday Night Fever Part II." Tony Manero (John Travolta) is back, this time pursuing his dream of becoming a Broadway dancer in a Dantesesqe musical called "Satan's Alley." None of the grit, humor or reality of the original can be found, nor is the Tony Manero we all loved present. All we get is interminable slow-motion dancing, two torpid relationships with dancers (Cynthia Rhodes, Finola Hughes), and Tony actually strutting in the last scene to the title tune. A flashy commercial with more slow-motion dancing scenes than almost anything else, not a movie.

A GOOD DAY TO DIE HARD (2013) - Yippie-kay-Yawn! Super-duper cop John McClane (Bruce Willis) is back, jumping through windows and landing on several wooden masts from several stories without breaking a single bone. It is all set in Mother Russia with McClane partnering with his son, a CIA agent, to battle some evil Russians leading to a tasteless sequence at Chernobyl. The series should just die hard.

EXORCIST II: THE HERETIC (1977) - Linda Blair is back as tormented, formerly possessed Regan MacNeil and Richard Burton is on call as a priest who helps Regan deal with a moronic script that includes locusts and Blair uttering my favorite line to a mental patient: "It's okay, I was once possessed by the Devil." Didn't we learn at the end of "The Exorcist" that she would have no memory of her possession? Can't Regan forget the memory of this absurd movie that respected director Martin Scorsese said was superior to the original? Three more sequels followed but this one is a solid number 2.

NOSFERATU IN VENICE (1988) - Soft-core porn with Klaus Kinski (who never turned down acting jobs in schlock, though he turned down a role in "Raiders of the Lost Ark") is back as Nosferatu, er, big problem I have right there. The vampire character is either known as Dracula or Count Orlok, not Nosferatu (which in some circles is known as the undead, but its implicit meaning is "plague-carrier"). Christopher Plummer is a vampire expert who raises the count from the dead, but why? The central theme is that the vampire wants the blood of a virgin so he can remain dead forever. Hopefully this movie can remain dead forever.

ROCKY V (1990) - I've got to hand it to Sylvester Stallone - he reclaimed the glory and grit of Rocky Balboa in the fifth and final Rocky sequel, aptly titled "Rocky Balboa." "Rocky V" is some sort of sick joke - Rocky is exposed as an anomalous dunderheaded fool. It also takes him forever to realize his son is being bullied in school and that his protégé (Tommy Morrison) is taking him for a ride. I don't like to call movies stupid but this one takes the cake. Other moronic sequels in Stallone's filmography include "Rambo II and III" and "The Expendables 2," and serving as writer-director of "Staying Alive" (mentioned above). Thank God he never made a "Rhinestone 2."

GHOSTBUSTERS II (1989) - There is one big laugh in this epic fail of a so-called comedy and it occurs during the last twenty minutes. It has to do with the Statue of Liberty. I will say no more except Woody Allen told a better joke in "Crimes and Misdemeanors." The whole gang is back but when Bill Murray and Sigourney Weaver look labored in the process, then something is wrong. There are tons of special-effects but every moment feels forced and contrived (consider a moment where Ernie Hudson is literally spooked by a ghost train). Further proof why Murray only appeared in this sequel to one of his classics - who wants a repeat of "Stripes" with zero laughs? (By the way, I never saw "Caddyshack II" or any "Meatballs" films beyond the second one, so don't ask me why they do not rate on this list).

STEPFATHER III: FATHER'S DAY (1992) - You know a sequel is bad when it is a made-for-TV/cable movie (anyone have strong memories of "To Sir, With Love Part II"?) Bad daddy is back in suburbia only Terry O'Quinn doesn't return - it is Robert Wightman and he tries to meddle with two suburban mothers this time. The tree shredder is the best sequence, which is where the shoddy script should've been disposed of. Not to be confused with the abysmal 1997 comedy, "Father's Day."

CROCODILE DUNDEE IN LOS ANGELES (2001) - The Crocodile Hunter from Down Under is back as Mick Dundee (Paul Hogan) as he heads to L.A. with the former Newsday journalist Sue (Linda Kozlowski), who has a found job at her father's news bureau. Her assignment is to investigate why a movie studio is making so many sequels to a movie called "Lethal Agent" (naturally it is a front for some bad business). Throw in everything but the kitchen sink, including a cameo by Mike Tyson and commercial plug-ins for Universal Studios, and you have a film that is hardly on equal footing with the less inspired Part II from 1988. When you have a chimp in a sequel, that is usually the cry of DESPERATION.

DESPERADO (1995) - Supposedly a semi-sequel/remake of Robert Rodriguez's thrilling "El Mariachi." Antonio Banderas has various slow-motion scenes where he waves his long hair, shoots hundreds of people, walks away from explosions in the background and gets to have a romp in the hay with Salma Hayek. Quentin Tarantino has a great moment in a film filled with over-the-top cartoonish violence that has no sting, no level of surprise, no personality and no sign of inspiration from its original source. Call it relentless action porn.

MOST DISAPPOINTING SEQUELS:

THE GODFATHER PART III (1990) - Here was an opportunity that was fueled by greed, not art. As far as I am concerned, the Corleone saga ended with Part II. This sequel has an older, diabetic Michael Corleone (Al Pacino) dealing with a nephew who is a bastard son (Andy Garcia), a sexy reporter (Bridget Fonda), some corrupt dealings with the Vatican so that Michael can become legitimate, some colorful shootouts, an odd reignited romance between Michael and Kay (Diane Keaton), and an opera house climax that makes Pacino's "Scarface" look subtle by comparison. Oh, yes, and there is the tanned George Hamilton as the consiglieri, replacing Robert Duvall and an actually better-than-reputed performance by Sofia Coppola.  It is not a bad movie but it is a wholly misguided one, with a desperate Francis Ford Coppola directing this mess as if it was a Shakespearan tragedy where Michael is seeking redemption. Didn't the Godfather movies already resonate as a tragedy of the American dream?

THE KARATE KID PART II (1986) - Here is another unnecessary sequel - must we know what Daniel LaRusso was doing immediately after the first movie's rousing finish? I should think not but, here, it is just as contrived as Coppola's magnum dopus. Daniel (Ralph Macchio) heads to Okinawa with his mentor, Miyagi (Pat Morita), meets a new girl interest (Tamlyn Tomita), fights some Okinawans and there is a final fight scene to see who wins the girl, I gather. "Karate Kid II" works best with insight into Pat Morita's own ancestry in this far away land, which begs the question - why didn't director John Avildsen just make a movie called "Miyagy"? By the way, check out "Karate Kid Part III" - It is so damn stupid and so watchably hysterical that I must rate it as great good/bad movie. I'll take it over the dull goings-on of this tepid sequel.

PSYCHO II (1983) - Norman Bates is out of a mental institution after twenty plus years. Now he is back in that crazy house and more murders follow. Is it Norman, his new roommate or Vera Miles who is out for revenge? Some decent scares and it is not a carbon copy of the original classic but it does little beyond being a slightly over-the-top and gory slasher flick. Simply put, even if Hitch had been alive to helm it, the original film is a tough act to follow.

SUPERMAN IV: THE QUEST FOR PEACE (1987) - Bad special-effects of the Ed Wood garden variety, bad toupee on Christopher Reeve's head, endless fight scenes between Superman and Nuclear Man and some shoddy flying effects (hard to believe the Man of Steel is truly ever flying in this film). Not insufferably slapsticky like "Superman III" and it rates higher thanks to the return of the reliable Gene Hackman as Lex Luthor and Margot Kidder as Lois Lane, but fairly mediocre and severely truncated from its original running time. Worth a watch for Man of Steel fans, others beware.

BEVERLY HILLS COP III (1994) and ANOTHER 48 HRS. (1990) - Eddie Murphy has had many ups and downs prior to his second coming in "The Nutty Professor" remake, yet "Cop III" has that commonplace problem of most sequels - it chooses to eschew the characteristics of earlier entries by focusing on other less interesting aspects. The first "Beverly Hills Cop" was a dynamic blend of action and comedy with Murphy excelling as Axel Foley, a Detroit cop who bluffs his way into any situation. "Cop II" had more action than jokes but at least it was entertaining and Murphy took the persona of Axel Foley as far as he could. "Cop III" has a different Axel - one who does not joke or bluff his way out of every situation. Murphy, according to director John Landis, wanted to be taken seriously in light of actors like Denzel Washington. There are a few bits of the old Eddie charm that work but there is precious little comic dazzle (a badly shot Ferris wheel climax and a cameo by George Lucas, not to mention the desperate return of Serge from the first film, ring hollow). Worthwhile for "Beverly Hills Cop" fans but worthless to anyone else.

Rushed into production faster than you can mimic Eddie Murphy's laugh, "Another 48 HRS." amps up the action to another movie that was a clever combo of action and comedy. Director Walter Hill, however, chooses to avoid the chemistry between Eddie Murphy and Nick Nolte in favor of hysteria with a plot that hinges on coincidence and absurdity (if you do not know where the bad guys are, ask a prisoner in jail and he'll tell yah). Every scene feels like a carbon copy of the original "48 HRS.," including a gory, tasteless ending and a reprise of the bar scene from the original where bullets and excessively Dolby-ized punches replace jokes or any trace of humor. Once again, Eddie has a few good scenes, especially when calling old friends for money, but he and Nolte are action robots in this movie. The central plot twist that involves a drug kingpin who keeps his daytime job is as contrived as they come. Of course, Roger Ebert brought up all these points already, so thank Ebert for reminding me of a noisy movie with only one quiet scene. Stick to the original classic.

A Fistful of Futuristic Crap

ESCAPE FROM L.A. (1996)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

I don't see how John Carpenter could've screwed up a sequel to his own cult classic "Escape From New York." Laconic Snake Plissken is back, this time searching for the President's First Daughter who has stolen a black box in the guarded and secular L.A. area. Peter Fonda plays a surfer, Bruce Campbell is the eerie Surgeon General of Beverly Hills, reliable Steve Buscemi is known as Maps-to-the-Stars Eddie, and even Pam Grier plays a transsexual with a deeply manly voice! All the elements are in place but this movie is more of a redux of "Escape From New York" than a legitimate sequel of some variety.

For one, Kurt Russell's Snake Plissken is so laconic and overdoes the Clint Eastwood impression to such an extent that he becomes a vile cartoonish variation of the original Snake. There is no room for character development so it is more of the same with no inner dimensions at work for the character. I had little sympathy for this grueling joke of an antihero so I cared less if he lived or died.

The plot hinges on Snake doing the bidding of the government, in this case, the President of the U.S. for life (a bored Cliff Robertson) and his tough henchman (Stacy Keach). They once again inject Snake with a timed explosive charge, so he has a limited amount of time to find the First Daughter and retrieve the black box that contains codes to global satellites. This is the same set-up as in the original, only in the original it was to rescue the President of the U.S. (played at that time by Donald Pleasance). Somehow, this turgid, endless sequel is more colorful than bleak and contains action scenes that lead nowhere, including Snake using a surfboard on tsunami-like waves.

There are some pluses. I like Snake's inspired stand-off with some villainous minions that seems like a cruel joke on Westerns. I also like the depiction of a Los Angeles that is separated from the rest of the U.S. The choice of offering potential L.A. citizens death by electrocution or a life of misery among society's undesirables where you can't eat red meat is fascinating satire, almost on the level of Milton. And the ending, to be fair, is a little more bleak than the original. Also worth a mention is the short-shrift appearance of Valeria Golino, which almost brought my hopes up that this movie would rock with pizazz and sensation. But the movie seems limp and uninspired overall, afraid to pursue the subtext of a city that wants to cleanse its citizens when, in fact, the city looks like it is under martial law (decrying authority and the elimination of rational thought are very much themes of Carpenter's ouevre). And with little insight into its characters including Snake Plissken, we are left with a movie that jettisons humans for automatons. I recommend escaping to a different movie.

Manhattan Futuristic Melodrama

ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK (1981)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

I recall seeing "Escape From New York" back in 1981 and mostly I remember specific images. I recall the eyepatch-wearing Snake Plissken, the red escape pod that had the President of the U.S. in it, the fact that it mostly took place at night, and that's about it. Having heard recently that there may be a potential remake, I decided to watch it again. "Escape from New York" is a mesmerizingly bleak action film, set in a future that didn't quite happen, and I can't say that I know why it works so well. The downtrodden, claustrophobic look of the film is nothing new for films set in the future (though somewhat new in its time), but the film has an atmospheric power that keeps you glued to the screen.

Kurt Russell is, of course, the iconic, reluctant, taciturn Snake Plissken, a prisoner inside Manhattan, which has become a maximum security prison. The waters are electrified around the island, the bridges are mined and walled - basically, no one can get out alive. It is 1997 and the Air Force One plane has crashed into New York, thanks to the soldiers of The National Liberation Front of America who have taken over the plane (it is never made clear why except for the fact that the President has turned New York, if not the country, into an imperialist nation). The President (Donald Pleasance) manages to escape in a pod that lands in the middle of the city. This is dangerous territory since criminals and thieves known as the Gypsies will kill and maim if necessary (they are led by the Duke of York, well-played by Issac Hayes).

Enter Snake Plissken, a former war hero, who is recruited by Police Commissioner Bob Hauk (Lee Van Cleef) on a rescue mission to find the President in 24 hours. Apparently, the President was on his way to a summit and has papers that could help save the U.S. from being demolished. If Plissken succeeds, he will be pardoned of all his previous criminal charges (I wonder if he can leave New York too!)

"Escape From New York" is fascinating for its low-key style and low-key performances. Nothing detracts from the story and everyone performs without necessarily standing out. Of course, this is what director John Carpenter often does best - maintain a certain degree of tension by building it slowly and effectively and getting his actors to tone it down a few notches. Russell has the look of a leather-jacketed, unapologetic badass punk with an apolitical agenda ("The President of what?"), who doesn't think too highly of himself (and he has no time for love). Essentially, he is the Man With No Name character Eastwood perfected back in the days of the spaghetti westerns. And having Lee Van Cleef on board helps to make that homage to the West even clearer.

And for fans of westerns, there is also Ernest Borgnine as the only taxi cab driver alive who warns Plissken about the Duke; Harry Dean Stanton as Brain, who knows how to navigate the mine traps in the 69th St. Bridge; cleavage-bearing Adrienne Barbeau as Brain's girlfriend; Ox Baker as Slag, a vicious wrestler who wields a baseball bat with ease; and Frank Doubleday as a screaming punk who might very well be the physical incarnation of Edvard Munch's "The Scream."

"Escape From New York" is a strong entry in the futuristic action genre, far more expressive and contained than anyone could've expected. Its view of an imperialist, bleak, nihilistic future (thanks to cinematographer Dean Cundey) seems somewhat prescient, and its antihero, Snake Plissken, seems close to being today's average apolitical citizen who's fed up. Le't hope that potentially imperialistic notions in the future exclude turning a city into a maximum security prison.

A wet dream is better than this

DREAM FOR AN INSOMNIAC (1996)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Roman Polanski once said that the best love stories are the tragic ones. I am inclined to agree. I also think ambiguous endings in love stories work, as is the case with Mike Nichols' fabulous "The Graduate." Then there are the forced happy endings, notably the finale of "Pretty Woman." "Dream for an Insomniac" is your standard, cookie-cutter formula crap where the happy ending is not only forced but also downright shameful.

The insomniac is Frankie (Ione Skye), an aspiring actress who has not had a decent night of sleep since she was six-years old. Since this story is meant to be a modern-day fairy-tale, I'll forgive that implausibility for the moment. Frankie lives above a coffee shop run by her Italian uncle (Seymour Cassel), who keeps Frank Sinatra pictures on the walls and constantly plays Old Blue Eyes' music. Frankie is convinced that once she leaves for L.A. with her best friend, Allison (Jennifer Aniston), she will find her dreamboat, someone with "the soul of a poet and eyes like Frank Sinatra." That is until a new employee of the coffee shop comes around named David (Mackenzie Astin), a wannabe writer with the blue eyes of Sinatra. He also happens to be full of quotations from Shakespeare and Sartre, and various pop-culture references. Frankie is instantly in love but how can she leave for L.A. in four days since she met her dreamboat?

I've been in love but if I were a character in this movie, I would not fall so hard for someone like Frankie. Her character is shown to be a pessimist, an overtly cynical and smug person, so how can she also be so optimistic about finding the right kind of man? And what kind of man is that supposed to be? One who can quote endlessly from different literary sources? The scene of Frankie and David's first meeting smacks of sentimental implausibilities. I am not sure if I would be crazy about someone who feels that if you can quote from the literary gods and can keep up with her stream of quotes, then you are worthy. The whole scene as directed by Tiffanie Debartolo is forced, romantic hogwash, as is most of the movie. The shift from black and white to color only enhances the lack of credibility.

There are revelations that can be seen coming from miles ahead of the cinema meter. Frankie's male cousin, Rob (Michael Landes) is homosexual but his father does not know it - their inevitable scene where Rob has to confess his nature is predictable. Then there is David's little secret, also foreseeable. And there is the stereotypical Generation X-er who can drink and eat anything he wants for free. And so on.

The one comic surprise that often took me out of my dull stupor is Jennifer Aniston. She plays the best friend, which is a considerable waste of her talents since she does the exact same role on her famous sitcom. Anytime Aniston showed up on screen, I was elated. Aniston is funny, engaging, sprightly - a real fireball that enlivens the proceedings and makes us wish her role had more development. If Frankie had been played by Aniston, I might have had more fun watching the film.

"Dream for an Insomniac" is fabricated, dull, formulaic, unsurprising, dishonest nonsense. Dishonest in that it wants to reinforce the belief that love at first sight still exists, even for two charismatic people who have no business being together. Watching Cassevettes regular Cassel spouting cliche-ridden dialogue is enough cause for a Cassevettes retrospective. And if you happen to be an insomniac, then this film will prove to be a dream come true.

Tall tales resonate over reality

BIG FISH (2003)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

(Originally reviewed in 2003)

"Big Fish" is a spasmodically engaging fantasy that yearns to be more. Call it magical realism to the nth degree or a further attempt to deconstruct fantasy from reality, Tim Burton's flair and sleight-of-hand playfulness is certainly more evident than ever. And it is a delight to have him back, in full Burtonian form.

Adapted from a 1998 novel, "Big Fish" begins with Senior Edward Bloom (Albert Finney) reminiscing about his past to children around a campfire, at parties and to anyone else that wants to listen. Edward's stories involve giants invading small towns and eating sheep, a ringmaster who turns into a wolf, a witch with an eye that can foretell the future, big fishes caught and then released, a small perfect, dreamlike town called Spectre, bank robberies run afoul, and so on. They are embellished tales, or tall tales if you like, and Edward relishes every word he says with utmost glee. Everyone seems engaged by his stories except his son, Will (Billy Crudup), a journalist who wishes his father would tell him the truth just once. He knows the details of these stories almost as well as his father does.

The film has flashbacks to these tall tales, and this is where director Tim Burton is engaged and coiled in tightly - sheer fantasy with loopy, colorful backdrops are his forte. The tales stay with you. Who can forget the giant who has a heart after all? And how about the ringmaster (Danny De Vito) who takes a chance on the giant and uses him as part of his act? The witch who lives in a house surrounded by fog and darkness, an Edward Scissorhands relative maybe? Speaking of good old Eddie and his incisors, there is the clean-cut image of Edward Bloom selling hand-shaped contraptions that can be used for anything. By the way, Young Edward Bloom is wonderfully played by Ewan McGregor, who shows his range in playing an Everyman with flaws. How anyone associates this character with Forrest Gump, as mentioned by some critics, is beyond me except that Ed goes through an incredibly vivid journey, albeit a lot weirder than anything Gump ever went through.

The town of Spectre is the centerpiece of the film, and an unusually surreal place that seems hidden from the world (it reminded of stories where ghost towns in New Jersey still seem perfectly preserved). In Spectre, happiness is everywhere, and people like poet Norther Winslow (Steve Buscemi) can delight in writing bad poetry (the joke is he spends ten years writing one stanza that would shun him from the poetry world completely). Spectre almost looks like a town from a Western, and nobody is allowed to wear shoes. Edward inadvertently finds himself in this glorious place, but then he realizes he has bigger goals and bigger ambitions after leaving his own hometown. Spectre, though, is a place Edward can't and won't forget, though I'd hate to ruin the surprise for you.

"Big Fish" is toned-down Burton mechanics so do not expect the whiz-bang effects or the rousing nature of "Batman" or the melancholic chaos of "Edward Scissorhands." The ending is sad but also optimistic, a rarity for Burton. My biggest gripe is that, excepting the grand Albert Finney, the present day sequences are almost a bore, lacking any of the freshness and imaginative spin in the flashbacks. Though one can suspect that reality is always more boring than fantasy, this is still a movie - and reality is not always so bland and dull. Another problem is the lack of real depth in any of the characters. Edward Bloom is a cipher and should be depicted as such in the tall tales, but in reality, what kind of man is he really? His son, Will, is given zilch in terms of how he really feels about his father and mother - only wanting his father to tell the truth doesn't cut it. At least one scene where Ed and Will really talk to each other might have helped - their one scene at a hospital is not as revelatory as one might hope. And Ed's wife, Sandra (played as a teenager by Alison Lohman, and as an adult by Jessica Lange) barely registers as anything except a token role, and a thankless one at that.

Still, "Big Fish" is often amazingly entertaining, funny and whimsical, and keeps us captivated waiting to see what happens. The romantic notion in this film is that tall tales can keep us from losing our own interest in reality, which is not as much fun. Edward Bloom wants to live on with the fantasy, not the reality. The trick is in keeping our realities just as close to the heart, because we are living them. If only Burton had examined this further, he would have had bigger fish to fry.

First of a slew of Burton's reimaginings

PLANET OF THE APES (2001)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

I am not a huge fan of the original "Planet of the Apes" but I do recognize its place in pop culture history in its upfront look at civil rights and impending nuclear doom as told through a science-fiction scenario. Still, as a movie, it was entertaining but also fairly cheesy and campy with a grand, majestic and overblown performance by Charlton Heston. No one would ever mistake the original "Apes" as the latest example in subtlety. Tim Burton's "reimagining" of "Planet of the Apes" is also fairly fun, campy and cheesy but it lacks urgency and a real stroke of imagination.

Mark Wahlberg has the Heston role, this time as an Air Force pilot named Leo who loves to work with chimpanzees. One beloved chimpanzee operates a pod that goes through some nebulous cloud and disappears. Wahlberg goes after the chimpanzee in another pod and crash lands in some strange planet populated by apes who talk. In this planet, the humans are slaves to the apes, and Wahlberg is the latest intrusion as he becomes a personal servant to them. He meets with several human slaves including Kris Kristofferson, who quickly disappears from the movie, and Estella Warren as the latest Raquel Welch model in blonde curls and fittingly precious clothing. She is so severely underwritten that we forget her function in the story, outside of making goo-goo eyes at Wahlberg.

The apes include Ari (Helena Bonham Carter), a rebellious thinker who believes in equal rights for all species and falls for Wahlberg; the raging General Thades (Tim Roth), a murderous, rampaging, glowering ape who wants to destroy all humans; the stoic Colonel Attar (Michael Clarke Duncan) who follows Thades every command, and Paul Giamatti as Limbo, the con-artist who is only interested in saving his own neck. There is also a powerful cameo by Charlton Heston (!) as Thades's dying father who wishes all humans extinct.

Most of this is fun to watch and the visual style is dead-on with its view of shadowy woodlands and arid desertscapes in this ape world. I also like the finale where the apes run after the humans on all fours, ready for combat. All the actors do a superior job of portraying apes in both body language and gestures. The human characters are less prone to such credibility, but that says a lot for any action blockbuster post-"Jurassic Park." One crucial difference from the original "Apes" is that the humans here can speak English whereas in the original they could not speak one word, even Heston who you may recall could not utter a syllable for at least an hour into the film. The idea of apes feeling superior to the human race is all lost here.

The movie is an impersonal misfire at best, an attempt by Tim Burton to show he can do a workmanlike job directing other people's ideas. Any capable director could have done an efficient job with this project, so why did the man who created Edward Scissorhands and Pee Wee's strange adventure helm this except to gain respect in an industry that does not reward its own artists? True, Burton also helmed "Batman" and its first sequel but both were molded under his own personal vision - a world where he shares an understanding and compassion for freaks.

None of Burton's touches are evident in "Planet of the Apes," which not so much remakes the original as much as reiterate it. What we have is a bland, undefined hero who accepts apes matter-of-factly, truly nefarious villains, some good special-effects, plenty of ironic, self-aware gags and catchphrases, and a roughly implausible though not wholly surprising finale that seems to make room for a sequel. So, yes, you are likely to be entertained but cineastes will be left pondering the following question: Where is Tim Burton?

Usual Risky Business that breaks the heart

THE LAST AMERICAN VIRGIN (1982)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Of all the early teenybopper sex comedies that consumed the early 1980's, "The Last American Virgin" is probably one of the funniest...and one of the saddest. Not even the highly acclaimed "Risky Business" ever got this downright dirty and gritty...that is to say, to end all the fun and games with a downbeat ending. Yep, it is downbeat yet somewhat hopeful - I'll get back to that later.

Three supremely horny teenagers, Gary (Lawrence Monoson), heavyset David (Joe Rubbo) and the smooth and charming Rick (Steve Antin), are on a sexual conquest. This movie is set in the pre-AIDS era so that means these teens have unprotected sex and the worst thing that happens to them is contracting crabs! Gary is more interested in finding love as he sets his eyes on Karen (Diane Franklin), an ingenue whom he cannot stop gazing upon. Naturally, the toxic charmer Rick also has his eyes on her, presumably to deflower her and nothing more. Gary can't stop gazing and hopes to achieve intimacy.

Written and directed by Boaz Davidson (who also helmed the Israeli-set "Lemon Popsicle" of which this film is a remake of), "The Last American Virgin" may seem shocking in today's climate because of its frank nudity and explicit sexual situations - these kids are not in the same vein as "American Pie's" teens or what has followed later. I still venture to think that teenagers of any era are preoccupied with things other than sex, but that is just me. When these kids have sex, even the heavyset kid has fun, no holds barred. A lovely Spanish teacher who orders pizza (Gary works at a pizza joint) has a romp in the hay with two of the teens. The trio even get themselves a red-headed prostitute, but it is Gary whose thoughts are elsewhere. Nevertheless, before the film dives into serious territory involving abortion, there is fun to be had. The teenagers measure their penile size, dance and party hard to Devo's "Whip it" (played twice in the film) and other hits by the Police and the Gleaming Spires, lure girls to Gary's house for sex by promising cocaine (which is actually Sweet and Low) and merrily get drunk on Jack Daniels. The movie has a kick to it, you can almost dance to the film as if it was a live concert.

Among Diane Franklin fans and fans of the film, "Last American Virgin's" ending has caused a bit of a stir and a lot of consternation. I will not reveal the ending yet, suffice to say, it involves a love lost between two characters that is shocking and suitably realistic. I can say that the male teenager who faces a heartbreaking disappointment may learn from it in the future - he is only a teenager who will slowly mature. Despite the seriousness of it all, the movie has a pulse and it is helped by engaging actors and comical situations (awkwardly asking the pharmacist for medication to cure crabs, running into your crush "accidentally," peering into bathroom holes at naked girls, etc.). When the film is over, you'll remember Lawrence Monoson's gaze and gaping mouth and Diane Franklin's ever so sweet and soulful self. The movie is no groundbreaker in the "Porky's" mold or the other inferior copycats that followed, but it is far more entertaining than most other Palm Beach spring breakers. And there is that ending.