Can your heart stand the shocking truths about Ed Wood?

UNSPEAKABLE HORRORS: THE PLAN 9 CONSPIRACY (2016)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

A few years ago, the endlessly fascinating and extremely silly "Room 237" was released and showed how fans of the Stanley Kubrick's "The Shining" responded to the film as if it was inundated with conspiracies and multiple meanings. Some I agreed with, others were beyond any rational reasoning. "Unspeakable Horrors: The Plan 9 Conspiracy" is a parody of "Room 237" and often flat-out funny though there are a few lulls in its 75-minute running time.

Ed Wood's infamously so-bad-it's-good movie "Plan Nine From Outer Space" is considered the granddaddy of bad movies, a cult movie that can be dull and far too leisurely-paced yet its charm exists in its not knowing how completely awful it is. A group of talking heads in "Unspeakable Horrors" discuss the subtleties and nuances inherent in this low-budget alien invasion epic. An outline of an Eskimo's head can be seen in the forest when Bela Lugosi stands around moping at a funeral! A "Plan Nine" superfan (Arielle Brachfield) cries uncontrollably when discussing how the female characters, such as an airline stewardess, are so helpless when they are around men! An expert on seeing male genitalia in all art forms (Maria Olsen) sees fleshy appendages everywhere in a film she considers feminist trash! And the horror of all horrors, Tor Johnson was in fact a fine actor, a regular Brando no less who emerges in a zombie state from his grave in one of the greatest Method actor moments in human history!

All of this is meant to be tongue-in-cheek and pure hogwash of course, a way of poking fun at those who obsess over a film and see things that are not actually there or even implied. Film buffs will rejoice at seeing real-life film directors like Tom Holland ("Child's Play"), Joe Dante ("The Howling") and Mick Garris ("The Shining" TV remake) discuss the film analytically. Screenwriters Scott Alexander and Larry Karaszewski (who both co-wrote Tim Burton's elegiac and bizarre "Ed Wood") are also on hand providing commentary, in addition to actor Daniel Roebuck ("The Late Shift") who has a teary-eyed moment that had me rolling with laughter. Some of the actors who play obsessive film nuts don't fare as well (especially constant black-and-white footage of an Ed Wood lookalike that feels unnecessary and overacted). We also get a Morgan Freeman-like voiceover that is not as half as engaging as I would have hoped. Why didn't they cast someone that looked and spoke like the famous fortune teller with 100% inaccurate predictions, Criswell, who infamously uttered ridiculous assertions about the future in the opening scenes of "Plan Nine From Outer Space"?

For a good deal of laughs and moments that will leave you with a silly grin on your face, "Unspeakable Horrors: The Plan Nine Conspiracy" is not intended to make you believe that "Plan Nine" is actually suffused with Illuminati imagery and contains subliminal references to the Eskimo way of life yet it is outrageously funny to watch it try. It is a one-joke movie but it is still a good joke. 

Go West, Young Woman

THE JOURNEY OF NATTY GANN (1985)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

One of my favorite books from childhood was Jack London's "White Fang," all told from the point-of-view of a wolf dog. The various film adaptations did a fine job of rendering the magnificent and dangerous environment of  an animal trying to survive. I am a sucker for such stories because there is something almost mystical about snow-capped mountains, a thick brush of the forest that goes on for miles and trying to survive with a hungry wolf as your guide and friend. "The Journey of Natty Gann" is a stirring, emotional journey not unlike "White Fang," only it has the added flavor of being set in the bleak, grimy times of the Depression rather than the Klondike Gold Rush era. Its setting, stellar cast and intelligent script give the film more depth and dimension than some average, rudimentary Disney survival tale set in the woods of the Pacific Northwest.

The courageous heroine in the midst of survival in Chicago in 1935 is Natty Gann (Meredith Salenger), the daughter of Sol Gann (Ray Wise), a pro-union individual fighting for the working class who needs a steady job. Mom is not in the picture and the Ganns are poor and live in a hotel. Eventually Sol finally finds a lumberjacking job in Washington State. He tries to locate Natty quickly before boarding a bus northwest but he can't locate her - Sol has to take that step and travel because a job is a necessity in such trying times. After dealing with the hotel's rather mean owner who has been assigned by Sol as her guardian, Natty decides to escape and find her father via one freight train after another encountering several obstacles along the way. She is always scouring for scraps of food, makes friends with a loyal wolf who had been participating in those ugly dog fights (something White Fang had also endured), fends off against older men with a predilection for young girls, is betrayed by young hooligans stealing cows, deals with the trepidatious reality of living in an orphanage (though she is no orphan), and much more. After twice encountering a decent vagabond named Harry (John Cusack) who clearly has a thing for Natty and is not out to hurt her, she continues on her journey to find her father because, you know, romance is something she's got no time for.

The level of desperation amidst the outstanding Pacific Northwest scenery is what makes "The Journey of Natty Gann" tick. That and Meredith Salenger (in an amazing acting debut) who lends the film's heart and soul, along with lending sympathy for her character and her arduous journey. Ray Wise contributes a strong portrayal of a worried father who can't miss out on the hazardous job he has to find Natty. Both father and daughter are desperate and, spoiler alert, once they find each other, all is well. The wolf is also desperate to return to the wild and be among his kind. With a vivid sense of reality crossed with warm, sharply layered performances (though a little more of John Cusack's Harry would've been ideal), "Journey of Natty Gann" is a perfect family film with a happy resolution that is earned. 

I am not very good at goodbyes

CANDLESHOE (1977)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Anytime I revisit live-action Disney flicks from the 1970's, I marvel at the warmth and good feelings that emanate from them. "Candleshoe" is easily one of the best of its ilk, an entertaining comedy-mystery for kids that can also tickle the kid in us adults too. It is that good and highly recommended.

The tomboyish Jodie Foster (no stranger to these types of movies) is Casey Brown, a plucky L.A.  orphan and consistent shoplifter who does nothing but create mischief, which includes tipping over barrels of grease oil so she can watch people slip and slide everywhere. The plot kicks in when an English con man, Harry Bundage (Leo McKern), pays off Casey's uncaring foster parents so he can use her to deceive the countess known as Lady St. Edmund (Helen Hayes), the owner of Candleshoe manor. Apparently, somewhere in the manor is a pirate's hidden fortune. If Harry and Casey can convince Edmund that Casey is her long-lost granddaughter, then the acquiring of this fortune will be a cinch as long as Casey can figure out where it is hidden. The manor itself is barely hanging on due to financial constraints, kept from the countess by Mr. Priory (David Niven, in one of his liveliest roles), the butler who affects one disguise after another to give the appearance of a full staff. Most of the legwork at the manor is done by Priory and the few orphans Edmund has taken in from a local shelter.

The low-key exuberance of "Candleshoe" is what makes it sing. The performances never scream for attention, especially Jodie Foster whom I still wish had the chance to play Nancy Drew back then. Foster was already showing that she could stand her ground with the likes of Robert De Niro in "Taxi Driver" and, here, she is simply smashing when dealing with pros like Hayes (their final scene together is sublime). Speaking of smashing...there is David Niven who makes me smile just with his very presence and he can be hysterically funny when he pretends to be a white mustachioed Colonel who has trouble mounting a horse. Helen Hayes does what she does best, appear dignified and divine with enough nuance in her diction to remind us what a class act she is. McKern ("Help!") is his blustery best in the only performance that can vaguely be called chaotic.

The finale at the manor may leave a lot to be desired yet "Candleshoe" is pure, charming, unadulterated fun. The cast, especially the kids that play the orphans, are upbeat and likable. This is the kind of harmless Disney flick that is impossible to dislike and will keep kids, and adults, glued to the screen.

Kodak Moments Developing between father and son

KODACHROME (2017)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

One of my favorite film genres is the road trip movie, especially the American Road Movie of which are far too many examples to draw from. The most recent in memory that is something of a masterpiece is Alexander Payne's seminal 2013 film, "Nebraska," which featured Bruce Dern as a codger looking to collect one million dollars from Publisher's Clearing House. He can't get to the destination by himself so he gets his son, an SNL alum (Will Forte), to drive him there. The point of the film was to expose the life Dern once had, and the future he might have left to live. "Kodachrome" is very much the same movie but with different, sadder notes to play, and we got Ed Harris as the codger and another SNL alum Jason Sudeikis playing Harris's son.

Sudeikis proves once again what a wonderfully subtle actor he is (his role as a coach in "Race" is something to see). Here he plays Matt, a dour, highly sarcastic record executive who has not signed any rock band to the record label in months. After meeting with his boss who is ready to fire him, Matt is given one last chance: sign a rock band known as the Spare 7's in 2 weeks or he is out the door. Making his life more complicated is the arrival of a personal nurse, Zooey (Elizabeth Olsen), to Matt's prick of a father, a world-class photographer, Benjamin Ryder (Ed Harris). It turns out that Benjamin is dying from liver cancer and wants to develop some old Kodachrome rolls of film at a Kansas store (the only one in the country) that is shutting down its business due to the digital age. Matt is more than reluctant to go on this trip since he downright hates his father but since the Spare 7's is performing in Chicago, which is on his itinerary to Kansas, he goes along.

Along the way, slowly but surely, Matt finds it difficult to warm up to his honest-to-a-fault father who smokes pot and loads film in his 35mm camera capturing moments along the way. Matt has an easier time warming up to Zooey, sharing their love of music and choice albums ("Live" the band being one of them, which is a hard band to warm up to) and both realizing that Benjamin's last days do not include any apologies to his own son. One scene involving Matt's aunt where Benjamin admits to an affair, angering Benjamin's brother (Bruce Greenwood, an underrated actor), is tension-filled and upsetting with no resolution. That is what I love about "Kodachrome," the film sticks to Benjamin's faults without sermonizing or moralizing - he is who he is. Ed Harris captures this man's last days without sentimentality and that is a rare thing nowadays. And yet the regret comes through and one of the last scenes between Sudeikis and Harris is a master class in channeling emotion that is unforced.

I do not think "Kodachrome" is quite in the same class as "Nebraska" but so few films are. It is a laid-back film that never forces its narrative or its characters into situations that could be formulaic. Most might see this film as something they have seen countless times before, but not usually with such sincerity and heartbreak (thanks to able direction by Canadian director Mark Raso and a tightly woven screenplay by Jonathan Tropper). As for the actors, Elizabeth Olsen is an adult actress with a magnetism that is hard to forget - her character is not quite a lost soul yet she is searching for her own reality. Ed Harris has always been a formidable presence in movies and the surprise is that Benjamin, despite his flaws as a human being and as a father who can't remember his son's birthday, shows a frail man whose regret was that he was selfish with his work and with himself. Jason Sudeikis gives a truly stunning performance of quiet rage and simmering sarcasm. There is one special visual moment that shows him sitting at his front doorstep with framed mirrors and picture frames in the background. One mirror frame shows the car with his father arriving. Considering Matt's office has no family pictures shows that reality has set in, it is high time for Matt to not be selfish either. Both men enter this trip knowing but never quite admitting that their souls need some tinkering.

Distributed by Netflix after premiering at the Toronto Film Festival in late 2017, "Kodachrome" is the kind of auspicious film that gets buried under the Superhero rubble with no viable theatrical release. Netflix did a great thing acquiring this film but it is only viewable on their streaming service. It is the dawn of a new era where even Martin Scorsese's next mob film will be directly streamed on their service as well, not to mention Orson Welles's no-longer-ill-fated 1970's film "The Other Side of the Wind." Netflix does a world of good for filmmakers lately so this is hardly an admonishment of them, only the industry that has longer-termed goals with bigger-budgeted blockbusters. "Kodachrome" is a shiny diamond in the rough that deserves a lot more attention than it is getting, just like Kodak film.

Take the Money and Run

SMALL TIME CROOKS (2000)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Original Review from 2000

Woody Allen continues to make films his own way, and that is a major feat for an artist who has yet to have a major box-office success since "Hannah and Her Sisters." I am not sure "Small Time Crooks" will change all that, but let me be the first to report that it is one of Allen's funniest and most endearing films since "Bullets Over Broadway."

Playing a loser for the first time since I can remember, Allen stars as Ray Winkler, an ill-judged bank robber married to his manicurist wife, Frenchy (Tracey Ullman). Ray has a new plan to change his life from his current dishwashing activities - to rob a bank vault by tunneling from an abandoned store's basement. The idea is that the store will be turned into a bakery and Frenchy will run it, along with her cousin, May (Elaine May). The surprise is that the cookies they sell become the talk of the town, and so successful that Frenchy and Ray become rich. Only problem is that their taste in clothes and furniture is garish at best ("Go on honey, show them your collection of leather pigs," quips Ray). Thus, Frenchy enlists the help of a British art dealer (Hugh Grant) who will teach her about class and elegance, and education. Naturally, Ray prefers the life he had and gets the impulse to steal all over again by scheming with May to get a priceless necklace.

"Small Time Crooks" made me laugh from start to finish, and I must thank the great writer-director Woody Allen (a comic genius, in my view). His sharp observations about these colorful brand of characters inspires many memorable one-liners, particularly the droll humor involving the typically relaxing charm of Hugh Grant and the high-pitched Ullman (some of it recalls the naive Annie Hall's dedication to reading more books and taking college courses). Also worth noting is the early appearance of Michael Rapaport (who was also in "Mighty Aphrodite") as a bumbling crook, John Lovitz as a possible entrepreneur who has burned down buildings to support his children's education, and the pleasant air of Elaine May's presence (she last appeared on screen in 1990's "In the Spirit") - she gives her character May a rich array of nuances and perfect comic timing. Her character begs the question - is she really smart or is she as ditsy and naive as we might think? The naysayers who feel that the 64-year-old Allen has been dealing with much younger female leads, such as Elisabeth Shue, will applaud the choice of the 60-year-old Elaine May. Frankly, this is of little importance to me - I would still love to see Allen use Sharon Stone as a lead or foil.

Scrawny Allen is as always scrawny Allen, but here he has a slight edge ("I'd like to flatten you, just once") complemented with the adoration of his wife, Frenchy, and makes his character the most magnetic he's played in some time. Tracey Ullman runs hot and cold for me, but she gets to play a trashy, talkative, sprightly woman with an affection for her husband - we somehow know that things will work out between them despite her affinity for the suave Hugh Grant.

"Small Time Crooks" is not laugh-out loud funny (though there are many sidesplitting moments but I could have done without the faux news segment) but it is smooth and refined, as we might expect post-"Crimes and Misdemeanors" or "Husbands and Wives." It is far more relaxed and kinder than Allen's early slapstick comedies such as "Take the Money and Run" or "Sleeper." I would love it if Allen returned to his more serious Bergmanesque period but as sheer entertainment and pointed humor, it is far more lively and less overstuffed than "Sweet and Lowdown" or "Celebrity." Small time business, to be sure, but you will have a grand time. 

This movie is dead enough

DRACULA: DEAD AND LOVING IT (1995)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Revised review from 1996

Funnyman Mel Brooks was at his peak with parodies of specific genres like "Blazing Saddles," "Young Frankenstein" and "Spaceballs," and the underrated gems that include "High Anxiety" and "Silent Movie." But something became amiss after "Spaceballs" when he failed to truly exploit parodying Robin Hood and his Merry Men of Sherwood in "Robin Hood: Men in Tights," a spectacularly dim and progressively unfunny movie that spent more time mocking Errol Flynn's version than Costner's version. Still, nothing in "Men in Tights" compares to the terminal stupidity of "Dracula: Dead and Loving It," using the absurdly cast Leslie Nielsen as Count Dracula mimicking Bela Lugosi's iconic Hungarian accent. Using Nielsen in this film is useful only in reminding us how much better he was in "The Naked Gun" parodies. It would've been wonderful to cast Frank Langella, who played the Count in the 1979 "Dracula" version, because utilizing Langella's nuanced comic gifts (harkening all the way back to Langella in Mel Brooks' own "Twelve Chairs") could've given this film a necessary lift from its own muted and deadly boring comic rhythms. 

The story in this film closely follows Lugosi's 1931 classic as Dracula parades into England with insect-eating Renfield (Peter MacNicol - an actor unsuitable for comedy as proven with "Ghostbusters II") at his side. Mel Brooks plays a thick-accented Van Helsing, the sleepwalking Harvey Korman plays Dr. Seward and where is Cloris Leachman as Frau Blucher when you really need her? And why bring in Steven Weber and Amy Yasbeck from TV's "Wings" when they are given nothing comedic to do? A sure sign of comic desperation: the movie has repetitive scenes of geysers of blood shooting up from corpses. Once, twice, three times too many.

Mel Brooks does pepper the screen with a couple of highlights that are bound to be missed. Most notable is a subtle nod to Scorsese's "The Age of Innocence" but nothing comes of it (it involves opera glasses). I liked the Anne Bancroft cameo where she plays a demanding gypsy which is a particular nod to Maria Ouspenskaya from Lon Chaney's "The Wolf Man." But are audiences going to get the in-jokes and references to Christopher Lee and the myriad Hammer Horror films? I doubt it. Jokes targeting Coppola's version of the good old Count are abysmal. Dracula's ridiculous hair net is actually a...hat! Ha!

"Dracula: Dead and Loving it" basically retells the 1931 film's story without much comic ingenuity - it practically plays it straight. Mel Brooks has gone on to producing some of his best films into musicals. This last directorial effort is splashy blood gags and little else.

Simon Templar as Unintentional Farce

THE SAINT (1997)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia
Original Review from April, 1997

There is no doubt in my mind that 1997's "The Saint" is a complete disaster - it is preposterous, predictable to the core, insanely over-the-top and downright embarrassing. Somehow, though, I enjoyed the heck out of it because it is the latest entry in the least understood movie genre known as the Guilty Pleasure genre or the "I hate to admit it, but I liked it" genre. Val Kilmer has a few of those in his repertoire, and this movie is certainly among them.

Based on the lively Roger Moore  TV series of the late 60's, it actually resembles Val Kilmer's own intentional parody of spy films, the hysterical "Top Secret." Kilmer plays Simon Templar, a high-tech thief who can steal almost any valuable from any high-security building or palace. His bank account is almost in the fifty million dollar range - he wants to try out one more caper and then he'll retire. Yeah, we never heard that idea before but usually it is with older men. Templar is still young so why would he want to retire? Who is his employer? Oh, never mind.

Enter Elisabeth Shue as a nuclear physicist (or is she a chemist?) who knows a thing or two about plutonium, and warns underwhelmed fellow scientists of its dangers and capabilities. Templar wants the sacred plutonium, in actuality some sort of cold fusion formula devised by Shue, which is hidden in some fortress but it manages to land in the hands of the Russians who want it for profit value (One of the Russian baddies is played by Valery Nikolaev, who was put to better use later that year in "U-Turn"). At least that is what I gather from the plot, though it is as confusing and labyrinthine as "Mission Impossible." Shue eventually falls in love with Templar and they are both on the run, but from whom exactly?

"The Saint" has various loopholes, characters, double-crosses and plot holes big enough to drive a 65-million dollar budget through that I gave up trying to follow the movie, and decided to enjoy it for whatever else there was. The main pleasure is derived from Val Kilmer's exceptionally clever and engaging performance as the cryptic Saint who disguises himself as a Jim Morrison-like poet, a nerdy scientist, an arms dealer with a wild hairdo, etc. The point of the movie is to witness the various disguises and accents Kilmer has in store, and it is enthralling to watch him perform.

Less enthralling is Elisabeth Shue who has sweet chemistry with Kilmer yet elicits zero charisma and personality - is this the same Oscar-nominated actress from "Leaving Las Vegas"? Her appearance suggests a naughty schoolgirl more so than a scientist giving lectures.

I know I shouldn't recommend "The Saint" but it is unintentionally and unforgivably funny and so entertaining that I didn't mind sitting through it (though I may not sit through it again), It is a clean, inoffensive and innocuous movie with big stars, several one-liners, cardboard villains, some old-fashioned narrow escapes and general derring-do. Don't expect anything resembling art.