The Garden of Eden is an abandoned factory

 THE PROPHECY II (1998)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Whatever promise the original "The Prophecy" had is lost on the filmmakers with this cheap. darkly lit, quickly pasted together sequel that will make you wish the horror genre did not bounce back after the success of "Scream."

The Second War of the Angels rages on as the angel Danyael (Russell Wong) is nearly killed in a car accident by an RN named Valerie (Jennifer Beals). Danyael forgives her by impregnating her with the sole savior to be - the one who will set right from wrong in the heavens and beyond. Not unless Gabriel
(Christopher Walken) can help it, as he continues his quest of bringing "heaven back to what it was. When we mattered most." Gabriel is relentless and uses a human named Izzy (Brittany Murphy from "Clueless") as a "monkey" for his merciless killings - pulling beating hearts from eyeless angels. Izzy has the best line as Gabriel is unable to drive a car or operate a PC: "You are keeping me alive so you can use DOS?"

Walken keeps things afloat but there is precious little of him. We are subjected to countless scenes of violent beatings, pumping hearts, car crashes, and many canted angles inside churches, alleys, and abandoned factories (some scenes are so dark that it is impossible to discern what is happening). Oh, and there is one heavy sex scene of course. Did I mention the Garden of Eden is one of those abandoned factories?

Beals is purely uncharismatic and devoid of energy throughout this whole affair - she seems unaffected by all the crazy events around her. Murphy as the frazzled "monkey" has some quirky moments but not to the degree that Adam Goldberg's "monkey" had in the original. Eric Roberts also grates the nerves as
the angel Michael - what happened to the wonderful actor from" Pope of Greenwich Village" and "Star 80"?

The original "Prophecy" had humor and horror in equal spurts and had some degree of conviction and atmosphere. There was also a level of poignance as I recall with the possessed Native American child and her relationship with a good angel. This sequel is in-name only in the most literal sense - there is no
horror, no thrills, no humor, no sympathy and no real stake in anything concrete. Seen one prophecy, seen them all.

Angels not feeling God's love

THE PROPHECY (1995)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Make no mistake: "The Prophecy" is not one of the great horror films of all time nor is it on my list among the best, but it is as intelligent and hallucinatory a demon/angel horror flick as we are likely to say for some time. And it is Christopher Walken who transcends its murky storyline.

The film is set in a small Arizona community where there are no secrets, and somehow this is an existential resting area for the archangels and demons from above and beyond. There is the sweet, bearded angel Simon (Eric Stoltz) who takes the souls of humans with him by sucking their breath (a reminder of the breath-sucking gremlin in "Cat's Eye") - in this case, he has taken the soul of the most vile human corpse on earth, a general. The archangel Gabriel (Christopher Walken) is continuing the Second War of the Angels by trying to prevent Simon from continuing his soul-sucking methods - he wants the souls for himself. Somehow, this all relates to a brooding homicide detective (Elias Koteas) who almost became a priest, an elementary school teacher (Virginia Madsen), a Native American child who may or may not be possessed, and so on. We see eyeless angels, morgues, burned corpses, demons chained to rocks, visions of angels impaled in a vast horizon, war atrocities on grainy film stock, and it is all done with style to spare and never gratuitous or exploitative.

"The Prophecy" never makes much sense and I never quite understood Gabriel's intentions - does he want to rule the heavens by taking a few souls or is he just mad at God? Some of this is supposedly based on Milton's "Paradise Lost,"
but it would have been more productive if Lucifer was the one bent on vengeance against all, including God. After all, Lucifer was a former angel, "The Bringer of Light," until he was cast down in Hell after questioning God's blind faith.
The main impetus of the film is that the angels got jealous and felt God did not love them anymore when He gave humans souls but since angels are not human anyway, what do they care?

The main attraction is the tall, entertaining wonder known as Christopher Walken - his trademark tics and maneuvering of body language keeps me interested and riveted from one film to the next. His piercing eyes and offbeat humor are enough compensation and justified when playing a miffed angel like Gabriel - imagine what he could have done as the Tall Man in "Phantasm."

"The Prophecy" is a fitful blend of humor and horror and tends to be over-the-top - Viggo Mortensen overacts and undermines as Lucifer during the fiery finale. Still, it is unusual and enlightening to see a horror film concerned with so much biblical jargon and wars between angels. Milton would have been proud.

Thank God for Black and Decker

 FORCE: FIVE (1981)
Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Robert Clouse's "Force: Five" is so darn funny for the first half-hour that it is hard to say if it was meant to be "intentionally" funny. I almost thought it was a parody of karate and/or kung-fu films and I thought I was right when Master Bong Soo Han (who was beautifully cast in the parodic "The Kentucky Fried Chicken Movie" playing the same role) appeared playing a Mr. Han-type villain who masquerades as a spiritual cult leader (to the cinematically uninformed, Mr. Han was the main villain in "Enter the Dragon"). The laughs almost continued when I saw a giant bull inside a maze chasing helpless victims. Tedium set in quickly after a man is pulled apart by ropes attached to a couple of vehicles, and this type of kill was later utilized rather tastelessly in 1986's "The Hitcher." Except for a few moments of alleged humor towards the climax, "Force: Five" feels like somebody hit the snooze button.

The main sticking point with an "Enter the Dragon" clone like this is that the five martial-arts fighters are not the most charismatic group (their introductions barely elicit a specific character trait.) Joe Lewis (in his film debut role) can punch and kick like no one's business yet he doesn't hold the screen when he starts talking. Neither does Benny Urquidez who does perform a few flying kicks. What's worse is that these fights are not staged very well and the timing is sometimes off. Worst sin of all is that this movie is directed by Clouse who helmed "Enter the Dragon" - geez, even his "Golden Needles" was superior to this and had a snappier pace. We get some unexciting fight scenes on an island that looks like an unspecified camping site. Most notable is the presence of Amanda Wyss as a senator's daughter whom Force Five is trying to rescue from this island - she has a vivid personality and sticks out from the rest of this amateurish cast. "Force: Five" is fatally hampered by its own mediocrity and lack of "intentional" humor.      

You've got to have attitude

 A FORCE OF ONE (1979)

A Look Back by Jerry Saravia

It is easy to confuse nostalgia over critical thinking. "A Force of One" was the first Chuck Norris flick I ever saw in theaters and I was about 7 or 8 at the time when I saw it. My father took me to see it because he wanted me to learn karate and become a Black Belt. This movie did not inspire me but I was more than taken by Bill "Superfoot" Wallace's high kicks and spinning back kick. He stood out from the rest of the film's largely unmemorable characters. So I went to karate school and I failed miserably - I couldn't deliver a kick nor could I jump over a wooden pole. Let's just say that "A Force of One" and "Enter the Dragon" inspired my father's interest in karate (who was already a major Bruce Lee fan) more than me. 

Just the other day I decided to watch "A Force of One" for the first time in 40 plus years. My reaction: it is a standard-issue karate thriller with little to no imagination. The serial killer known as the "Karate Killer" is killing undercover cops who are getting to close to the truth regarding the sale of angel dust. Most of the movie seems like a TV police thriller with the focus on Jennifer O'Neill as one of the cops and there are reliable pros like Clu Culager and Ron O'Neal (who may be a dirty cop) but the thinner-than-loose-leaf plot is, for its time, right out of an episode of "Adam-12." Chuck Norris is not too wooden in his role but he had improved his choice of roles with later films like "Code of Silence" and "Lone Wolf McQuade." The fight scenes are adequate though there is a reliance on slow-motion during the epic fight between Bill Wallace and Chuck Norris that looks a mite silly. 

"A Force of One" is adequate enough though often boring during the police procedural segments. It is an uneven blend of karate and police thriller genres and Jennifer O'Neal and good old Chucky have little to no fireworks between them. Actually there are sparks (no pun intended) between Bill's character "Sparky" and Jennifer in one short scene. Looking back, the movie is nothing special but it holds a place in my heart for introducing me to Chuck Norris, so I can thank my father for that and for introducing my young self to karate. The karate didn't work out yet like this movie, we both tried.      

Acid-infested monster in space

 ALIEN (1979)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Ridley Scott's "Alien" is a sensationally scary and completely riveting space monster movie. It is an update of all monster alien pictures of the 1950's yet it does it with distinction, personality and some gooey special effects and an iconic monster courtesy of H.R. Giger whose mouth could cut through you with acid. Sure, it is more gooey and gory than those movies of yesteryear but it also contains a nervous energy from practically the first scene to the end.

The Nostromo spaceship houses a few distinct personalities on board including Tom Skerritt as Captain Dallas; Sigourney Weaver as the by-the-book Lieutenant Ripley; Ian Holm as Ash, a geologist and Science Officer who has an agenda that nobody had bargained for; John Hurt as an executive officer with a slight stomach problem and Veronica Cartwright as navigator of the ship. Finally there's Yaphet Kotto and Harry Dean Stanton as engineers who wonder about their financial shares. They have all been in a 10-month sleep hibernation and awaken to find that the Nostromo (which they refer to as Mother) had intercepted a signal of "unknown origin" (this ordinary phrase became the title of a 1983 monster flick). Well we know what that means - an alien signal from some distant moon. Rather than head home, they investigate what may be an alien species. Other than the slowly-developing duplicitous nature of the Science Officer, they couldn't have bargained for a moon where a massive ship exists, an interior of a human melded to a turret and some existing organism, and a cavernous underground of unhatched cocoon-like eggs! You guessed it, it is a disgusting alien form in those eggs! Pray it does not hatch.

"Alien" is still mentioned as the phenomenal sci-fi monster picture that has not been beat for sheer claustrophobic terror using the vacuum of space and an enormous ship as its settings. Though I admire some of the sequels, "Alien" did it first and did it better because its got Ridley Scott who has far more skill and imagination and works well with actors. Yet this movie is not nearly the gross-out that other sequels or its legion of imitators have managed - it has elegance in its structure and moments that make you scream or at least shake you out of your chair. The movie moves at a deliberate pace and with Jerry Goldsmith's sneaky and melodic music score that gives you goosebumps when least expected, it is elevated beyond anything that was released prior to it. 

I'd be hard-pressed to find much insight into its characters and that may be "Alien's" one minute flaw. The crew is a colorful, brash group who worry about concerns that everyone can relate to (the food quality, sexual innuendoes, fear of the unknown) and it is their strong personalities that give the film an ounce of purpose and urgency. I must mention the feeling of urgency especially in Veronica Cartwright who looks as nonplussed, exhausted and scared as she did in 1978's "Invasion of the Body Snatchers." Like any horror film, even one set in space, you have to sympathize with the characters and care about their plight or else the inevitable horror is diminished - it is sheerly amazing how often horror imitators have gotten this wrong. In "Alien," we care about this motley crew because they are human in the way they interact, joke and finally determine their own control of this perilous situation. Sigourney Weaver comes into her own as the strict Ripley who wants to follow protocol - her antagonist is the peculiar Ash. Though we think she might be killed by the alien sooner than most, she turns out to be the most sensible of the group. Well, if she weren't, she would not have been the fan favorite to have appeared in three sequels. 

Another plus is that Ridley Scott and writer Dan O'Bannon do not reveal the creature too early on - the full-sized iconic Alien itself that spews acid is only seen in glimpses towards the end. Then there's the singular moment that made film history - the chestburster moment where the baby alien growls and tears itself out of John Hurt's chest. That moment is still horrifying enough to give you nightmares. "Alien" is the true nightmare space horror film where no one can hear you scream except in a movie theater. 

Don't call 911 if you are bored

 THE AMBULANCE (1990)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

A happy-go-lucky comic-book artist, Josh (Eric Roberts), tries to pick up a brunette (Janine Turner) on the streets of New York City. She is clearly charmed and then collapses on the street because, you know, she is a diabetic and had a three-martini lunch! A creepy guy in a limo (Eric Braeden, no less calculating than his eternal role on "Young and the Restless") witnesses the event and calls someone after she is picked up by the ambulance. Of course, this is no ordinary ambulance because it travels to an unnamed hospital that is not in the yellow pages. Braeden is the top-level surgeon who tells the brunette that she will get an implant of brand new pancreas from a pig and then her diabetes will be cured. After that, he will kill her! Say what? Oh, yes, to sell the body to research centers. Okay.

Josh chases this brunette but never finds her. Of course, in due time, he discovers through a nightclub that the ambulance is bad news. In one incredibly funny scene, Josh get sick in his apartment and vomits in the hallway. Later he finds that dreaded ambulance outside of the New York Post building! This is after he has been admitted to a hospital and runs into a fellow patient (Red Buttons, who gets to swear) who was a former photo journalist, I think. Can everyone follow this movie because if you understood it, please email me.

Writer-director Larry Cohen has occasionally filmed screenplays of varying degrees of quality that sometimes made sense (His directorial debut "Bone" is still his best). There is no sense to be made from "The Ambulance" which is billed as some sort of comedy thriller and works as neither. Spirited cameos from James Earl Jones and Stan Lee makes the picture come alive temporarily. Eric Roberts tries his damnedest but comes across as some hopelessly romantic fool. Only Megan Gallagher has the right tone and attitude playing a police detective who hopes to shoot male suspects and is smitten with Josh (she also appeared as a police officer in the 1980's TV series "Hill Street Blues"). But the whole movie doesn't work as satire or comedy nor is it especially thrilling - it drags after a fairly funny half-hour. A perfunctory affair. 

No good memories can come from this

 BLADE RUNNER 2049 (2017)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

There is a wonderful concept for a sequel to one of the great visionary masterpieces of all time, the one and only 1982 sci-fi classic "Blade Runner." The idea of a replicant "blade runner" (are you happy now, Mr. Ridley Scott?) seeking the clues to a bag of human bones purported to be that of a replicant that gave birth to a child is something to ruminate on. It begs for further introspection and aims for a different set of rules and creative ideas established by the original film (and the Philip K. Dick novel). "Blade Runner 2049" unfortunately has the concept but not the delivery or execution. This colossal bore of a movie is overlong and extremely unappealing to the eyes and ears and bears little imagination. A shame because buried in this sequel is something possibly brilliant that never comes to the surface.

Ryan Gosling is Joe or more appropriately K, the stone-faced replicant blade runner, essentially no different from Harrison Ford's Rick Deckard from the original film except he really is a replicant (no footage of unicorns this time). K retires ("kills") a replicant in the astounding opening sequence where he finds a farming station and the sole tree in the barren environment held by ropes. K also finds a box buried next to the tree containing the skull and bones of Rachael (Sean Young), a female replicant who went in hiding with Deckard. It turns out she had a caesarean birth to a part-replicant child which nobody in this future world deemed possible. K also investigates his memory implant of a tree-carved dog figure he kept near a furnace in the orphanage he thought he belonged to. When K discovers the truth, I was still there for the film wondering where this might lead, and the possibility of discovering Rachel's kid. Wait, is it K? Does he think he's the replicant child? 

There are some fascinating tidbits involving K and his holographic girlfriend Joi (Ana de Armas), a hologram that we see advertised everywhere. K also flies a spinner around town and the outskirts of L.A. and eventually finds good old Rick Deckard (Harrison Ford, back and sorta, kinda there) who wants nothing to do with K or his questions. Deckard explains he and Rachael were hunted and they had to hide their child, and that is as exploratory as the film gets until we find that K is being hunted too. Getting to Deckard takes roughly 2 hours, and it is a chore to sit through this extremely slim, bare bones plot of a movie while we wait for Deckard's appearance.

The Tyrell Corporation of the original film went bankrupt and was bought by the blind Niander Wallace (Jared Leto), who is insidious in his beliefs about a whole new line of replicants he has created (He also has some pretentious ideas about human pain). One of the replicants Wallace has created is the fastidious, bodyguard replicant type named Luv (Sylvia Hoeks) who can kill someone easily just by striking at the neck area. Yet none of this resonates and Jared Leto looks like some sort of replicant cult band leader - give him a guitar and a mike and he might sing some sad bastard songs. These characters are unappealing from the start, but then so is most of the cast. Gosling seems to be sleepwalking, intentionally or not, and there is not much presence there (even when he does hand-to-hand combat, he looks like he's taking a nap). Only Ana de Armas as Joi expresses any real emotion, and she is only a hologram! (Are the filmmakers trying to deduce that holograms are more in league with their emotions than humans or even replicants?) As far as genuine emotion, I'd say I was quite moved by Dr. Ana Stelline (Carla Juri) who is auto-immune and lives in a spacious room that has its own 3-D hologram design of memory banks (this is the most stirring moment in the entire film that feels germane to the original and builds on its foundation since she creates memories for replicants). Finally, Ford himself has a few choice moments but too few to really care overall about Deckard (though his last scene is touching).

"Blade Runner 2049" is creatively designed by several art directors including Paul Inglis and it is well-made by director Denis Villeneuve yet it mostly sits there on the screen - I was never engaged by it and, after two viewings, still found it uninvolving. There is much to savor in terms of magnificent cinematography by the hellishly good DP Roger Deakins (the desert landscape of Las Vegas with sand sculptures of women is something to see) but that is all. Unless there is a close-up of practical Spinners landing, the Spinners seen flying through the air do not rivet our attention the way they did before. The music score by Hans Zimmer and Benjamin Wallfisch is a thunderous assault on the soundtrack yet hardly memorable unlike Vangelis' original score. Maybe too much time has passed between these two films or maybe too many have tried to duplicate what "Blade Runner" had accomplished far too well less than 40 years earlier. I sincerely doubt that "Blade Runner 2049" will be remembered in 2049.