Bitchy, quarrelsome New Jersey slackers

CLERKS II (2006)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia
(Originally reviewed in 2006)

Say what you will but I've been impatiently waiting for the return of Randal Graves and Dante Hicks as much as the return of the Jedi or a fully-realized version of "Lord of the Rings." Randal and Dante are, of course, the clerks from Kevin Smith's directorial debut film, "Clerks" from 1994. The movie was not a major success but it later became a cult favorite and it helped advance the career of the New Jersey Maestro of bitchy, quarrelsome slackers. Now here's "Clerks II" (originally titled "The Passion of the Clerks") and I am proud to say that this movie is hilarious from first frame to last. It is Kevin Smith's funniest and most irresistibly un-PC work to date and, for once, it is a sequel that actually delivers!

As the movie opens, Dante (Brian O'Halloran, a former UPS delivery driver by the way prior to "Clerks") is on his way to work at the Quik Stop in good old Leonardo, NJ when he finds it burning literally to the ground. What will Dante and his obnoxious best friend Randal (Jeff Anderson) do now? And how come there is no reference to RST Video? Never mind. Dante and Randal end up working at Mooby's, a hamburger joint that appears to have few patrons. The duo wear ridiculous purple uniforms, work with a spunky manager, Becky (Rosario Dawson) and a dorky employee, Elias (Trevor Ferhman) who can't wait for a live-action "Transformers" movie. Jay (Jason Mewes) and Silent Bob (Kevin Smith) are back peddling for dope outside Mooby's despite just finishing their six months rehab stint - their 12-step program is evident since they hold a miniature version of the "Holy" Bible.

Meanwhile, Dante is working on his last day at Mooby's since he's off to Florida to marry his fiance (Jennifer Schwalbach) and run a car wash (how very Dantesque!) Randal is understandably peeved and does everything to wreck Dante's new life, including bringing in a gay donkey show that is to be seen to be believed! Becky is also a little peeved since she likes Dante and has a little surprise for him. Everything that can go wrong for Dante, though, does go wrong.

"Clerks II" has lots of laughs to spare and some truly biting, even incendiary dialogue. There are Randal's riffs on racism (and ignorance of one particularly offensive term), Lord of the Rings versus Star Wars, sexism, and his affection (in a heterosexual way) for Dante whom he gives the most constructive advice he can. There is Dante and Becky dancing to the "ABC" song by the Jackson Five, the dorky Elias's nightmarishly funny account of his girlfriend's reasons why they can't have sex until they are 21 (complete with Wendy Carlos's "Shining" score to boot), Jay performing a "Silence of the Lambs" tribute which he begins by applying chapstick to his lips, and the already notorious, Joel Siegel-bashing gay donkey show that is nowhere near as tasteless as anything in "Van Wilder." There are many other howlers throughout but I wouldn't dream of giving them away.

The cast does as well as one can expect. I think we all know what to expect from Brian O'Halloran and Jeff Anderson, not to mention the always riotous Jason Mewes and Kevin Smith. The performance of note is Rosario Dawson as the charming, sexy, humorous and breathless Becky - a no-nonsense woman who doesn't believe in marriage. Every time she appears on screen, she burns it with her naturalism.

"Clerks II" is vintage Kevin Smith, exuding laughs with some deep, honest truths in equal measure. Obviously Smith made this film as a corrective to "Jersey Girl," but it also shows that his comic timing and milking almost any situation for laughs to be in ultra top form. I am glad to see Dante and Randal back (the short-lived animated series and "J & S Strike Back" were not enough for me), and kudos to Smith for not keeping his promise that Jay and Silent Bob wouldn't return. They all have and deliver a major comic bang, and an unexpectedly touching coda. Forget "Superman Returns," "Clerks II" is a super sequel.

The customer is sometimes wrong!

CLERKS. (1994)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia
(First viewed in 1994)

"Do you know what the real tragedy of all this is? I am not even supposed to be here today!" - Dante

That one line sums up Dante's life in a nutshell (well-played by Brian O'Halloran). He is a Quick Stop convenience store clerk in Leonardo, N.J. with no real ambition in life except to serve customers and whine all day long. If only he could see how farfetched that life is since he obviously possesses some potential and is generally a smart guy. It only takes his best friend, Randal (Jeff Anderson), and Dante's girlfriend, Veronica (Marilyn Ghigliotti), to make him see the light.

I am of course describing the incredibly funny debut of director Kevin Smith, known as "Clerks," a hilarious, obscene and unpredictable comedy that is something of a classic in its genre. The fact that it was independent shows where real talent for writing lies - from people like Kevin Smith, Quentin Tarantino, David O'Russell, among others. They all got their start in low-budget features and Smith's debut may be the most impressive of all since I have yet to see a film of his that rivals "Clerks" for sheer audacity and sharp humor.

The film begins at Dante's home where he is woken by his boss and told to show up for work. It's his day off and he has a hockey game in the afternoon but there is not much of a choice - Dante has a problem saying no to people. He shows up at the convenience store, opens it, discovers gum in the shutter locks, and begins his day selling various items to customers. The customers who come to the store are certainly a colorful bunch. One is a guidance counselor who peruses each and every egg in the cartons. Another complains that the video store next door is closed. There is an older man who needs to read porno magazines in the bathroom. And so on. Randal is the next-door video store clerk who shows up late and berates and curses his customers. He is the fearless leader of his domain, abusing his power as a clerk as an excuse to spit on and shout at people. Randal hardly spends much time in his store, and always walks in to Dante's store and makes his life miserable.

Dante: "You hate people!"

Randal: "But I love gatherings. Isn't that ironic?"

There are too many good scenes, almost all are side-splittingly funny and truthful. Randal is a jerk, but also an understanding and sensible jerk - he knows his life as a clerk is not much and that doesn't stop him from offending each and every customer. My favorite moment is when a customer asks about the quality of a couple of videos. Randal doesn't pay attention, makes no eye contact and points out to her that her "cunning attempt to trick him" is futile. It's funny and pointed humor, offering real-life clerks an opportunity to hear the things they would love to say.

Every scene with Dante is also brilliant, including a long scene where his girlfriend, Veronica, confesses to have had oral sex with about 37 guys. Dante's nauseousness sets in, questioning how she could not have slept with the guys like a decent person. His own manhood is tested and for the rest of the film, he whines about her oral abilities, though Veronica is a very sweet person who brings him lasagna to work.

And how can one forget the introduction of the drug dealer duo, Jay (Jason Mewes) and Silent Bob (Kevin Smith), both who find smoking weed and getting laid is all that life has to offer.

Director Kevin Smith employs a proper visual cue of stabilizing his camera, occasionally going in for a close-up shot and then cutting to a long-shot. Every scene is practically a long-take so that we take the time to invest in Randal and Dante's running monologues about irksome customers, the merits of "Return of the Jedi," ex-girlfriends, funerals, and so on. It's a technique that works and doesn't call attention to itself. The irreverence of "Clerks" shines through like a bright diamond and Smith's ear for dialogue becomes clear. This style of direction helps during the wild, unbelievably crude twist in the film that is as shockingly profane as anything Smith has done since.

"Clerks" has been hailed as a rarity for low-budget pictures for its extreme low-budget - roughly 27,000 dollars. This of course does not add to the advertising and marketing campaign, not to mention a re-recorded soundtrack. It has also been one of the few films to have reversed its initial rating of an NC-17 to an R for raw language. Yes, it is raw but also hysterical, deep and truthful. We are not talking about an onslaught of potty-mouthed words with no rhyme or reason - Smith is too good a writer to let it sink to toilet humor. Some have professed to finding "Clerks" raw and offensive. This may be true but it is a one-of-a-kind comedy that speaks the truth of its characters more so than most movies of its ilk. It's not just about vilification.

Drop the hero and give this movie a zero

COOL AS ICE (1991)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

"Cool as Ice" is not a movie, heck, it is not even "something." It is an MTV video that somebody forgot to edit down to 3 minutes. 3 minutes of this movie is too much pain, but an hour and a half is deadly. It is spine-tingling pain, and not the good kind.

Vanilla Ice was once a popular 1990's white rapper whose cameo in "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II" caused a ruckus. His rap songs were electrical Muzak samplings which liberally borrowed, I mean stole, notes from superior songs by David Bowie and Queen. He also got his sole leading role in this monotonous cartoon romance called "Cool as Ice." The movie tanked and movie roles were not forthcoming, and sales for Vanilla Ice's album sales also dropped for a while. Nobody told this fraud that he was hardly an authentic rapper but few cared enough since he had an audience.

I am hardly discussing this so-called movie because there is not much to say. Ice sings "Ice, Baby, Ice" and has the hots for a high-school honors student, Kathy (Kristin Minter) who occasionally rides a horse. The girl's parents (including an unintentionally funny Michael Gross) are in a witness protection program. There are two corrupt cops who are so clumsy that they flash their headlights outside windows while holding Kathy's impressionable brother for ransom. There is also Kathy's drunk boyfriend who disapproves of rappers wearing colorful outfits that Eminem would never be caught wearing. A female fan of this rapper's wretched music writes down her number as "555" because in some part of the United States, some phone numbers are only three digits. Ice gets some greatly idiotic lines like, "Drop the zero and get with the hero." I would prefer drop the hero and gives this movie and its pale star a zero. 

Spirited, joyous, vibrant soccer romance

BEND IT LIKE BECKHAM (2003)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

(Originally viewed in May, 2003)

I do not go to the movies to feel good or, likewise, feel bad. I go to the movies to simply watch, listen and, possibly, learn. Not all movies should have to teach since there is always the tendency of being didactic. Not all movies should sentimentalize to the point of manipulating the audience, especially when it comes to clouds of darkness that aim to present the vilest of inhuman actions without an ounce of humanity. Oh, but I digress. "Bend it Like Beckham" is not educational or intellectual, but it is one of the most rousing entertainments of the year, as spirited and joyous as "Monsoon Wedding" was a year earlier.

The comparison to "Monsoon Wedding" is noteworthy in that it deals with the sanctity of rituals and values in a family surrounded by modernist ideals. In this case, we have the teenage "Jess" (Parminder Nagra) who lives in London with her Sikh family. She loves to play soccer with her male pals and keeps a poster of her favorite British soccer player, David Beckham, in her room. One day, she is seen vigorously playing soccer by Juliette (Keira Knightley), who offers her a chance to play in a semi-pro, all-girls team. The strict Irish coach (Jonatha Rhys Meyers) agrees seeing that Jess is quite a natural on the field - they may have a chance to play in Germany. The only problem is that Jess's parents are not fond of her athletic abilities - they forbid her from playing and insist she get married and go to college (though the mother is not crazy about her travelling abroad). Juliette and the coach insist that Jess keep playing in the team, which means Jess has to keep all this a secret.

Nothing that transpires in "Bend it Like Beckham" is particularly original - this is formula filmmaking without much room for compromise. The difference is that the movie is infectious with pure joy from one frame to the next. All the actors, including the refreshingly appealing Parminder Nagra, are as vibrant and alive as one can hope. Though I am no fan of uplifting sports movies, the final soccer climax is truly uplifting. All this is due to the humanity displayed by the entire cast - never have I seen such exuberance or flair by characters who remain true to their actions. Jess will play soccer regardless of what anyone else thinks. Jess's parents will go out of their way to convince her not to play. Jess's sister persists in marrying the man she wants, despite that her in-laws-to-be think they have witnessed Jess kissing a girl. As co-written and directed by Gurinder Chadha, "Bend it Like Beckham" respects the attitudes and values of its characters without trying to sitcomify (if such a word could exist) or reduce their behaviors to one-dimensional status. Even Juliette's mother (played with delicious wit by Juliet Stevenson) could be a cartoonish rendition but her tears and surprise at the possibility that Juliette could be a lesbian feels truthful and comical - what a nice combination.

"Bend it Like Beckham" rocks with excitement and pure laughs. The final scene at an airport is handled with refreshing restraint without succumbing to sentiment. Yes, it is like a high-octane, predictable teenage comedy but its cross-cultural references and change in values and ideals raise it a notch above the "American Pie" school. A comical pleasurable delight, a lollapalooza, a real blast of cool air, "Bend it Like Beckham" is pure entertainment.

White Man's Laundry?

FALLING DOWN (1993)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

(Originally written in 1993)

Rush Limbaugh said back in 1993 that "Falling Down" was a falsity; an unrealistic depiction of the deterioration of the American Dream. I normally would not agree with Limbaugh (who was funnier and sharper in those days) but he did nail this overwrought movie down to its paranoid essence.

Michael Douglas plays a four-eyed unemployed worker for a defense contractor named William "D-FENS" Foster, who has a short haircut that seems to have stepped out of a 1950's classroom. He loses his temper in traffic, abandons his car, is armed with a shotgun and a bazooka, and walks all over the city of L.A. He is desperate to confront the very issues that bother him such as Korean convenience store owners, gays in army surplus stores, homeless people, construction crews working on repairing streets that need no repairing, trespassing on Latino gang turf, and insisting on getting breakfast at a fast-food joint. "He has a propensity for violence," says William's ex-wife (played by Barbara Hershey). William also has a propensity for walking literally hundreds of miles around L.A. without breaking a sweat - he is the Terminator who needs an attitude adjustment.

"Falling Down" is a satirical attempt to deconstruct a society that has changed from the "good old days" - a white man's paranoia tale of the withering American Dream with more right-winged fervor than even Limbaugh himself has (it is odd how this blowhard himself is no fan of this movie). The problem is that Michael Douglas gives a cartoonish performance of a wacko with no real ideology - he is simply mad as hell and is armed to the teeth. The fast-food joint sequence goes on too long (William decides he will have lunch after all after being told that breakfast hours are over), as well as the army surplus store sequence with the Nazified owner (Frederic Forrest). I never understood the point of this odyssey where the exasperated William creates more havoc than what already exists in La-La Land. The movie is so unrealistic and unintentionally funny that its rather disturbing subliminal messages about society don't register ("White Man's Laundry" signs flash on screen occasionally so that we can empathize with this crude antihero?) This movie is about an angry loon with no dimension or cunning insight into his neurosis. "Falling Down" falls before it really even starts.

I know tired black-comedy slapstick when I see it

MIXED NUTS (1994)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Christmas movies can often be pleasing to the eyes and the ears, witness exhibit A, "It's a Wonderful Life." Sometimes, we can get serial-killer Christmas movies, witness exhibit B, "Silent Night, Deadly Night" and the underrated "Black Christmas." And other times, we can get whimsical, comical Yuletide examples like "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation," "A Christmas Story" or "The Santa Clause." "Mixed Nuts" would fall in the latter category and it almost works, until it starts straining for laughs.

The setting is Venice Beach, California, which means no snowy landscapes. Just along the boardwalk is the office location of "Lifesavers," a volunteer hotline that helps suicidal, depressed or lonely callers. Steve Martin plays Philip, the manager who runs the non-profit hotline and his staff includes Mrs. Munchik (Madeleine Kahn), who deplores Philip's fruitcake gifts, and the overly sympathetic Miss Lonelyhearts character, Catherine (Rita Wilson). Unfortunately, Philip's organization will go down under unless he pays his overdue rent, thanks to an eviction notice from his landlord (Garry Shandling). Meanwhile, we have Mrs. Munchik stuck in an elevator, Catherine vying for Philip's love, an overbearing loser in a Santa suit (Anthony LaPaglia), bicyclists carrying Christmas trees, a lonely transvestite (Liev Schreiber), a pregnant, used-clothes owner (Juliette Lewis), and last, but not least, Adam Sandler as a ukelele-playing simpleton who writes for a living, that is, he writes on T-shirts. Oh, and dare I forget a walk-on performance by the very young Haley Joel Osment.

"Mixed Nuts" begins promisingly as an expose of the pros and cons of running a volunteer hotline, especially receiving calls from potential suicides (my favorite is Steven Wright, pointing a gun to his head while he stands in a phone booth). Writer-director Nora Ephron eschews the idea rather quickly by introducing too many characters, none half as interesting as Martin's Philip. The movie gets mired in unpleasantly oddball characters who may give you a migraine. One can marvel the days of Ernst Lubitsch and Billy Wilder when subtlety and nuance dictated laughs more than anything. Here, Ephron chooses a slapstick approach but it is too high-pitched to score any laughs. The whole cast, except for Rita Wilson and Adam Sandler, overact and bicker and scream endlessly. After a while, it becomes monotonous. A good example is the last twenty minutes of the film, which depend on thickly syrupy music, a corpse, and loud renditions of "Deck the Halls" - so loud in fact that you'll wish Christmas never existed. I would have preferred "Hark, the Herald Angels Sing," and at a slower, quieter pitch.

"Mixed Nuts" is just the latest example of a comedy with surefire trimmings that are severely squandered by too many bells and whistles. I am not a fan of slapstick, but I know tired black-comedy slapstick when I see it.

Most unusual hit man ever

PANIC (2000)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

William H. Macy is one of the few actors alive that can adapt himself to any role and succeed. But there is more to this master thespian - he makes us care about him. Playing a hit man is a big stretch for Macy, but he accomplishes the role with style, panache and pathos. Frankly, this is the most unusual hit man I have ever seen on screen.

Macy is Alex, a hit man who works exclusively for his father, Michael (Donald Sutherland). His father has a family business to run, mainly to kill certain clients. Alex is his dutiful son and number one killer, and has served him ever since he was a teenager. Alex is married to Martha (Tracy Ullman), has an inquisitive young son (David Dorfman), and a nice big house. His wife and his son have no clue what daddy does for a living (he runs a home mailing service as a cover). The main problem that sets the story in motion is that Alex's new assignment involves someone he knows. But Alex is getting tired of his job and is not happy - he has either lost the enthusiasm or does not want to work for his father anymore. He loves his family but he needs something more, some sort of escape. Alex sees a psychiatrist (John Ritter) and confesses to his real profession (a big mistake). Then there is the young, depressed bisexual Sarah (Neve Campbell), who is also seeing a psychiatrist. Alex wants to have an affair with Sarah but she is reluctant to being treated as some sex toy.

"Panic" unfolds as a drama with some black humor, but nothing that happens come as much of a surprise. The psychiatrist angle has been done already in "Analyze This" and in the HBO series "The Sopranos," and the last climactic act is lazily written off as a simple shootout. The biggest surprise in the film is Macy, who makes this hit man as normal as he can, without the shady glasses or any shady features for that matter. He is not remorselessly evil, just someone who has been used and abused by his father for so long that he no longer sees the purpose in his job. A professional killer may not be a credible character for Macy to play - he can pass for someone who hires a hit man to off his wife (as he did in "Fargo") than the genuine article - but he makes it work so well that I couldn't think of any other actor that could do it as convincingly.

Macy does have a nice rapport with Neve Campbell's sad Sarah, though it is resolved a little too abruptly. I also like the scenes with Donald Sutherland as the aging, aloof head of the family business who laughs at his own human depravity, and counts on his son to prolong the business (including a nifty subplot that did come as a surprise to me). Also worth noting is Barbara Bain as the hateful mother of Alex, who has been through the ups and downs of the business. John Ritter is effective if underused as the righteous psychiatrist, who is ready to call the police if he knows of any future hits (naturally, all his ethics are getting screwed up).

"Panic" is often more blackly funny than dramatic but its tragic overtones do not mix well with its comedic tones. The resolutions seem rushed, and the characters are left with situations that seem manufactured out of hasty, last-minute rewriting. But what holds it together is William H. Macy, playing Alex like a torn man who no longer knows how to keep his emotions in check. He brings a level of humanity and purpose (not to mention credibility) to a largely unbelievable character.