COOL AS ICE (1991)
Reviewed by Jerry Saravia
"Cool as Ice" is not a movie, heck, it is not even "something." It is an MTV video that somebody forgot to edit down to 3 minutes. 3 minutes of this movie is too much pain, but an hour and a half is deadly. It is spine-tingling pain, and not the good kind.
Vanilla Ice was once a popular 1990's white rapper whose cameo in "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II" caused a ruckus. His rap songs were electrical Muzak samplings which liberally borrowed, I mean stole, notes from superior songs by David Bowie and Queen. He also got his sole leading role in this monotonous cartoon romance called "Cool as Ice." The movie tanked and movie roles were not forthcoming, and sales for Vanilla Ice's album sales also dropped for a while. Nobody told this fraud that he was hardly an authentic rapper but few cared enough since he had an audience.
I am hardly discussing this so-called movie because there is not much to say. Ice sings "Ice, Baby, Ice" and has the hots for a high-school honors student, Kathy (Kristin Minter) who occasionally rides a horse. The girl's parents (including an unintentionally funny Michael Gross) are in a witness protection program. There are two corrupt cops who are so clumsy that they flash their headlights outside windows while holding Kathy's impressionable brother for ransom. There is also Kathy's drunk boyfriend who disapproves of rappers wearing colorful outfits that Eminem would never be caught wearing. A female fan of this rapper's wretched music writes down her number as "555" because in some part of the United States, some phone numbers are only three digits. Ice gets some greatly idiotic lines like, "Drop the zero and get with the hero." I would prefer drop the hero and gives this movie and its pale star a zero.
